- Member Since 9th May, 2012
- offline last seen 11 hours ago
DoctorSerious
I'm very Serious, do I have anything else to say?
DoctorSerious
Joined 9th May, 2012 ·
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- NoobRising2 · 2.7k words · 26 8 · 591 views
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This is a pretty good story
901911 Thanks, although I will say that this story is very bad
google.co.uk/imgres?um=1&hl=en&sa=N&tbm=isch&tbnid=XbsCV3SP8O3ajM:&imgrefurl=http://dating.failblog.org/tag/stop-it-boner/&docid=_Hx1Diog--hZuM&imgurl=http://chzdatingfails.files.wordpress.com/2012/06/dating-fails-damn-you-kate-upton-gifs.jpg&w=497&h=467&ei=wyX_T8ecAofD0QWRy5G8Bw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=925&vpy=143&dur=521&hovh=218&hovw=232&tx=170&ty=134&sig=111384834583004913489&page=1&tbnh=144&tbnw=153&start=0&ndsp=20&ved=1t:429,r:5,s:0,i:88&biw=1366&bih=667
this was happening when i was reading this
Good story
902037 It would have a lot more emotional impact if I could see the picture you sent me, but thank you
Urgh...always happens to me: Here is it.
902159 Thats... nice, broski
902164 You too blame for that
902172 farm7.static.flickr.com/6023/6008592196_9475a4579e.jpg That's what I'm aiming for, giving people one erection at a time.
I don't want to say it was "cute"... But it was pretty cute.
901947 it has its faults. But still good 7.5/10
903069 That's something I don't hear everyday, especially for a clopfic like this one
903460 Thanks, if you have any tips for me how to improve on this, please let me know
I like what you tried to do here, it just came across as very...bland. With what little descriptors you have, the emotional relationship between the no-name pony and Fluttershy seems kind of forced, at least in my opinion. Then of course there's the fact that Fluttershy just drops every bit of character she has left for the clop scene.
What really bothers me is the blocks of text paragraphs you have here. This really needed to be formatted better
All in all though, it wasn't really bad, so I'll give you props for writing. A dislike and a comment showing that I'm not a jackass should suffice
Good luck with future writings!
You sir are a good clop writer! and me being a helpless romantic helps me love it even more!
I enjoyed this treat!
She realized that you're turned on, and now she's going to hate you?
i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/square/000/005/180/fuckthat.jpg
When's the last time that happened to as dashing as a protagonist as you, anyways? The main character always has sex in a fan-
RAGE MODE INIT- No, don't do that, brain!
BEGIN HA- Don't make shut this computer down!
HATE MODE ACTIVATED. Fine, I'll let you take over. Don't go too far...
Okay, let's dispense with the pleasantries and begin with the criticisms. The grammar is fine, as is the writing in general. HOWEVER...
One: Hiding the name, yet using first person. A cheap way of making a story second person, yet also making it seem more personified than "You".
Two: This guy must have a really weak heart from fainting due to... being nervous? He should get that checked out.
Three: You don't say you "like" someone if you're planning on having sex with them. This is sorta justified by the fact that saying "I love you" is a cliche nowadays. And him being a Socially Awkward Penguin.
Four: Erection, erection, erection. Don't you have a better name for the penis?
Five: Have you ever actually seen someone say 'I'M COMING" (Caps necessary) as they climax? I thought not. Also could use the Socially Awkward excuse again, but, really...
Six: "Private zone" Is even worse.
Seven: "Life", not "Live". You don't mess up the rival's speech right before the protagonist smacks him down, so why would you do so for the conclusion of the story?
Eight: The question I will ask every writer that includes sex in their story (The green is necessary): Ask yourself this: "If I replaced the sex scene with a duel between two characters, even if they aren't the same as the characters I was going to have in the sex scene, would everyone like it as much?" If not, you need to work on your writing. You should also ask beta readers and editors this question if you are writing a very large-scale story.
This is hot
'Live never felt better' *snickers*
good story by the way
I know You said that the story is pretty bad, but I think the story is amazing, infact, I gave it another read.
5/5!
Finally back after 2 weeks of vacation, so let's answer some comments, shall we?
905328 I would have expected people to find this kinda bland. This was just a clopfic for funzies, nothing more. But still, thanks for your reading and comment
905740 I'm very glad you enjoyed this
919775 HOLY... okay long comment short: cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/21727711.jpg
931344 I'm glad you enjoyed it
947537 *insert clever response here* Thank. You.
947537 Even more people liked it?
I really must find a way to please everyone 
"Take me to heaven"? . . . Sweet Celestia, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL!
I want whoever I first take to bed to tell me that! Really, is there no more a sweeter, more pure way to proposition someone?
OMG boner!
A few grammar issues but a good story none the less