Vita Post Mortem: Natus est Sanguis

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Aziraphael

Aziraphael #1 · Jul 7th, 2017 · 2 · · Chapter One ·

Alright, so, since you don't have any comments yet, I'll give you some critique on this. The concept itself seems interesting. Monster-hunter-turned-monster isn't exactly new, but it gets used so frequently because it works. It gives a lot of room for world building and character development. From a technical perspective, though, this story needs some work.

First, use real paragraphs. One sentence paragraphs can be used to create effect if whatever is being said needs to stand out to the reader, but that doesn't mean every paragraph in the story should be one sentence. Fixing that will also help add depth and detail to your story.

Which brings up the word count. You want to aim for somewhere between two to five thousand words per chapter (though that upper limit isn't so much of an issue anymore with the new features that got added in with the last site update). Having barely a thousand words in a chapter often means that the content is rushed and lacks depth, which is what's happened in this chapter. You've completely skipped over a lot of important details. We're given pretty much no backstory, setup, or detail about anything beyond the fact that this guy works for the secret service and is investigating some sort of crime before he suddenly gets attacked by vampires out of nowhere and the chapter ends. There's no time or reason to get attached to the character or invested in anything that's happening before it's over.

And speaking of details, a lot of the ones that are mentioned don't really make sense. Why is there a random mailmare running around outside his house in the middle of the night? Why did the guard not bring the escort with him if that's something that would be needed anyway? Why does he need an escort to begin with if he's supposed to be a professional hunter? Why does Midnight need to send a letter to Luna letting her know about the attack when her own guards are the ones that brought it to his attention in the first place? Why does the Big Bad even care about Midnight's involvement, since from all appearances he has no information at all about what's really happening?

Overall, it's an interesting concept, but it needs some polish to really shine.

Mr_Perlimpinpin

Mr_Perlimpinpin #2 · Aug 23rd, 2022 · · · Chaper Three ·

Well, this isn't so bad. I still agree with the last comment to rewrite the first chapter and maybe add a little more to the second, especially with his reunion with Princess Luna.
Notably, there is a good amount of missing details. He seems to know the princesses but nothing is really told to us. He throws a lot of new concepts around but we have no background for them. I think you should slow the pace down and make everything denser. Finally, the dialogue is kinda weird. too direct. The emotions don't have time to be conveyed.

Aside from that, It's cool. I actually love the idea so keep it up!