Story of a pegasus on his vacation from Cloudsdale that wrecks on his way to Ponyville.
Chapters (2)
Night Fire
Joined 13th Mar, 2012 ·
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The writing seems a bit choppy- but that might be thanks to the fact that it is in second person, and not many authors decide to go that route. Aside from that, good job so far. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
'Hunted down and killed?' I think you may be overreacting.
*Reads copyright laws*
...........You might want to go find a nice safe security bunker.
884631
It's so rare because for whatever reason, it makes the story harder to connect to
which is kinda counter-intuitive, if you think about it...
I have a feeling this is the story behind Griffin Village from Jackleapp. Hmmm.... *read later*
Okay, I did delete my first comment because I'm stupid, yup. Anyways, I liked the story, but won't be following it. The writing was pretty good, but I have a hard time reading second person, so you have my support for writing in such a difficult POV. Good luck.
885125
Well thank you very much for that.
884631
Thank you.
884669
I'll find out soon how much I'll be hated, I'm about to go message them.
885012
Best review on second person I've ever seen
885082
I look forward to your actual review
this wouldn't be related to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8VfBIXCp9U would it just a guess based on your description
885237
Close, it's based off the original version by Jackleapp.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_923791&src_vid=W8VfBIXCp9U&v=tKBw1lxS4zE&feature=iv
885284
ah well consder it read when i wake up tomarrow
885285
Ah, well this has gone over better then I expected it to.
well at first i thought this would be kind of lame, because of the short def... but its kind of good
im going to read all your stories!
Read later
watch
885316 5 likes, 0 dislikes, I think you get to live to see another day!
885428
Thank you kind sir
885487
Well I told mic and jackle so we will find out. Luna, don't let me die
885155
why thank you
based on the reviews I'm seeing, i think i'll go read some of your other fics before passing judgement
nothing personal, 2nd person just doesn't work for me
885642
I know what you mean. I've never done a second person story before this. I prefer third person. I just beg people to give them a chance.
885532 Well make sure to post or something If they end up sparing you; if we don't hear from you for a few days we'll figure the assasians caught up to you.
Oh, and good luck.
886155
Well give it about a week, if I don't do make an indication I'm alive post something, wait 2 days for response, any longer and I may have been killed or flamed big time for this and hiding from public.
Considering that I set the bar pretty high pre-read because I ADORE Jackle App... this was kinda sub-par. I don't like it nor dislike it, and I do love the concept of making a story out of a song (see Rainbow Factory) but this was done waaaayyy too choppily and in a weird second-person view, especially since the song is in first-person.
I think a revision of this and a switch to first-person would really make this fic great. Also, expand on his goings-on with Lyra and Bon Bon, don't just glaze over these adventures!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
886485
Well can you please take into account that this is my first time doing something like this, and all you're told is he crashed into a tree, and only Lyra and Bon-Bon gave him a place to stay? But I was waiting for someone to say they set the bar really high. And also I'm doing this in song order so it's going to be over a year in the story time and Rainbow Factory was a song from fanfic. Your think of want it need it.
886624
I see three other stories in your repertoire, but doing something like this is, indeed, a bit of a feat. And Rainbow Factory was not a song from a fanfic, the fanfic came from the song. Here, read the first paragraph of the page.
886772
Alright, and you see three pony stories there. To tell the truth I have a few Kung Fu Panda stories I write that a small group of bronies and my gf read along with the kfp fanbase. Three in progress, one complete, but until this, nothing at all like this.
884631>>884669>>885012>>885082>>885125>>885237>>885428>>886485
Hey all of you. I wanted to say thanks about the story, but also I needed to tell all of you, that I have taken into consideration what has been said, and the fact someone didn't' like it, and revised the first chapter, going into more detail. I hope you guys like it, and if you do that you'll tell some people about it. So check it out.
941984 well, it's a lot better!
It just still has that feeling that it's being rushed. It not that you need more of a story, you just need to write in more detail and describe more apon what is happening in the story. For example, (this is my opinion) the part of the story with the crash should enclude some sort of a backstory and it's own chapter. But you are the writer and you white what you feel like writing.
I still have an overall positive view of this story and it can still go far, so keep it up!
943530
Well thanks for the positive vote and Chrome is sending me the next time chapter so it will be up soon.