It's summer, and nobody has seen or heard about Trixie for a while. But have you ever wondered why?
Chapters (12)
Night Fire
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I am interested in this story. But Zecora and Twilight shouldn’t have had to think about why they helped Trixie. She was dying! It would have been wrong NOT to help her. Is bragging and making up stories so bad that she deserves to die?
390248
I agree. They would've helped any injured pony. That's not at all like twilight or zecora.
Alright I agree with both of you but you can't deny that thee is going to be somepony who is going to question why would they help Trixie even if this is a Twixie fimfic
We love it and we are very eager for more to come.
Ohhh, Due to how quickly you posted this, I am wondering if you have this whole thing pre-written. I hope so. I am really into this chapter and would love to keep on reading.
Dude. Slow down.
And that "nightmare yelling" was kind of over-the-top. It's a little weird that she was yelling out complete sentences at all, let alone narrating all of her pathos, considering she was both asleep and scared out of her mind.
In response to Luna Eclipse, no this isn't pre written. If you read my notes in the start, I'm saying that I started out on fanficton. I use this for all my MLP stories. I was up till 1:30 A.M. writing chapter three so please give me you honest opinions. I'm just amazing like that.
Haha. I love it so far.
Okay, We only have one problem with this fic as of yet:
Spike is now with Applebloom
Other than that, We find it great still.
I'm going to say it again. Slow. Down. You're running through these plot points without giving us time to enjoy them.
And it wouldn't hurt to double-space your paragraphs.
...also: What.
I know that I am making it go a little fast, sorry. And the thing with Spike and Applebloom, well Rarity is dating Applejack so Spike knew it wasn't going to happen and Applebloom felt a bit lonely, with her sister being in a realationship, so seeing as she was friends with Spike (They are close in age) it just happened. There will be more realationships and sorry if it makes you mad.
Yeah, about that. I don't mind there being other pairings. For the sake of Twixie, I wouldn't even mind having to take the despised Appledash alongside it.
But... again, too fast. I mean, all of them at once? Really? Did they all hook up over some spiked punch at Pinkie's last party or something? Why did they all decide to tell Twilight at the same time? Why did that time just happen to be about the time Twilight hooked up with Trixie? And I guess I shouldn't ask why Rarity gave such a cursory explanation, I can imagine it's probably because she was focused on the scene in front of her. But it feels so lazy, and moreover, it reads almost like an author's note just saying "hey by the way I ship these pairs". We don't need to know who you ship unless you're going to make it part of the story, dude.
And one last thing, an error I just noticed...
Pinkamena said she was mad at Trixie for what she did to Pinkie.
...Trixie didn't do anything to Pinkie. At all.
Yeah well sorry about some of the errors and all pairings are going to be a part of the story. I didn't mean to put it like an authors note but about them all telling at the same time, it had to happen at some point. They all accidently discovered the relationships. I will explain it better in the next chapter. Also Pinkie gets sad whenever her other friends are so if Trixie screwed with her friends, pretty sure Pinkie would have been sad. Pinkinema only cares about Pinkie mainly, so even if it's for somthing dumb, pinkinema would be mad at anybody who made Pinkie sad.
First. Okay, I'm not going to comment on your pacing this time because it's a little hard for me to gauge here. But please, get an editor.
You start the chapter with a big run-on sentence with the commas in the wrong places. I've rewritten it below to be more correct. Changes are in bold. Parts that sound especially strange to me are underlined.
Seeing as [Weak, consider changing to "Since"] the easiest way to have everypony find out would be to head to a public place, they all headed to Sugarcube Corner, where everypony would be there at some point[???], and simply sat down at one of the few booths. As ponies came in they saw them sitting there, everypony cuddled with their special somepony, and in honesty [Weak and superfluous, consider deleting] just left them alone. Why ruin somepony’s happiness?
There are a lot of patches like this throughout, places where you definitely needed a proofreader more than a spellchecker..
Okay, I get the concept that Fluttershy is the dominant one in the relationship, but that doesn't really help me accept her acting out of character with the rest of her friends. Pointing it out repeatedly doesn't either, unless she's a replicant.
The cliffhanger really is weak, but that's because it's poorly written.
“I guess we will.” Said one of them.
The proper way to express an action without identifying the individual taking the action is to provide enough other details that the reader believes they have actually read something. But that line isn't something, it's nothing. An appropriate way to accomplish what you're going for would be something like...
Gradually, a hoof crept into the air, and everypony's eyes turned to its owner. There was a beat before the words came.
"We will."
Or...
To Twilight's right, there was a forceful "eh-hem". She turned quickly with an encouraging smile. "Oh yes, I've been really curious to hear this one," she said, nodding. "Go on.".
And one final thought... I really want to beg you again to doublespace your paragraphs. It makes it so much more readable.
@Little Jackie Papercut Dude, really? Okay, first off, is it your story? No. Should you tell people how to write a story that isn't yours? NO!!! Just enjoy the story and be glad it's even being written. Remember, he is new here and although he is on fanfiction.net, this site has different rules. Plus, he's busy most of the time, so he kinda doesn't have time to fix mistakes. Cut him some slack!!
Little Jakie Pappercut, I thank you for the review but like what flutterdash242 just said, Shut up about my grammer. I don't have enough time to fix everything and if I sent it to my grammer nazi friend, it would take about a week for it to be posted. I'm getting better and also I said my cliffhanger was shit and I didn't put hoof because for all you know, it could be spike. If I said hoof, that makes sure it's not spike. So either read it, or don't. I don't give a buck. I have all these bucks to give but I just can't. I'm too busy loving and tolrating, So you either deal with it, or you find somthing else.
To Flutterdash242
457809 NO I only do yaoi if it is a good one, this is not a crossover.
Sorry
460360 I wasn't yelling and I did realize it was a joke but I thought you were being an ass like the rest of the people I know with that joke. I die on the inside when fluttershy cries
I'm sorry
Crap I forgot to take it out. Surprisingly this is still getting viewed but my new one has zero views
and sorry about the author's note. I didn't think people read them
I read every update, love the story. The only thing that wireds me out is Applebloom/Spike -shudders-
Pinkie can break the fourth wall? No, It's waaaay deeper than that. At the end of the MMM cake episode, in the last seconds, I believe she ATE the fourth wall.
475273
Sorry but I changed some of the relationships when I made the final specifications a few chapters ago and to give spike some pony I figured give her to him. At least I didn't do the big mac and applebloom pairing.
436847
You don't get what the point of comments is, do you? It's not so we can mindlessly praise stuff, that's for sure. I was bringing stuff to his attention so he can improve on it, and providing some examples for him. "Cut him some slack"? I wasn't even being harsh!
439660
You ASKED for people to tell you what you were doing wrong and what you could improve on! Don't get all defensive when someone actually does! Thanks for commenting on my profile, though, I never would have seen this asinine reply if you hadn't done that. Don't count on any more help.
491874
I wasn't getting definsive, and I do greatly enjoy people telling me what I do wrong, but my point on mine was, the fact that you were telling what I should have put in the opening and the ending in one of my chapters, if you're so high and mighty and a wonderful writer then why the hay don't you have a single bucking story? When you type a good story, I listen if you give me advice on what to type. I read all comments, and practice on my grammer, but if you want good gramer then go to my new story, because my editor is pissed and I am sending him the second chapter when I type it. I wasn't being definsive, I dilibretly didn't put hoof, because I didn't want to give away anything, Spike has CLAWS not hoofs. If you wish to complain about grammer, be my guest but the content dosn't need it, I even said it was a shitty end.
492626
You should quit. Editors can't help you.
492876 Not being harsh, huh?! Dude, if you don't like how he's writing to the story, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!!!! He has four other sucessful stories on fanfiction. You don't even have a story on your page! No one is perfect! Don't talk shit to my friend! Better yet, don't even try to talk shit or tell someone how to write their story or revise it, until you have actually tried to write one!
494123
You need to pay more attention before you insult someone. My first story on this site, which I've spent quite some time writing, was approved about half an hour before your comment. I've written before for other sites too.
Good
496596
Wow, that was very creative! I'm impressed, and thanks for saying it was good.
Just some spelling errors I found, being a writer myself, I enjoy when people find mistakes in my works. So I try to do the same when reading others works:
"His cutie mark was a sanguine heart with a dagger pierced through it surrounded by electric blue fie, the dagger was ruby hilted, had a black bald"
Thats it, love the story. Please keep writing!
507850
Ah buck, I didn't see those, my bad. It's fire and blade. And if you want to see him in more action check out my other story.
Actually, your view of her childhood is "nicer" than my version lol. In mine her mother is an alcoholic and her father does things that would make someone with a weak stomach throw up.
607593
Doubtful that her father could creep me out. I watched daybreakers and ate during it and didn't lose any of my dinner.
Ok, I've been meaning to say something about this story for a while. It needs serious work. Here's a few criticisms from this chapter:
>Hello everypony I am back with this installment of my original story. Any of you that are mad about my second story, I would blame chrome, but he isn’t the problem, I am. Sorry about that but at least this is being made. So enjoy this and my third story is now up, so if you like Appledash, rejoice, if you don’t like it, I won’t try to convince you to read it but I would appreciate it if you at least tried it.
You meant either one of two things: one, the story is an original plot. If you're laying claim to that, think again. Or, you mean your 'first' story, in which case I can understand. But for the love of God, you do NOT need a bloody set of author's notes on every single chapter! When someone clicks on a story, they expect a story, not a personal greeting. Leave that for the description.
>That was a very sad sounding Rainbow Dash
The intrusive narrator... This is probably telling in its ugliest form. Try varied speaking verbs and adverbs! For example, “How are they doc?” Rainbow Dash said gloomily. makes the sentence a lot more effective.
>Ms. Sparkle
Ms. is a shortened form of Miss used on letters and such, so in speech you should change this to 'Miss'.
>That was, Big Macintosh? Alright this is confusing enough, time to open my eyes and see who all is here
Wat. Did you honestly just say that? For the love of God, stay in one perspective please!
>Luna and Night Fire strode in
Self-insertion... What was wrong with using an OC that wasn't a bloody obvious self insert?
>DREAMSCAPE
BECAUSE GRADUAL TRANSITION IS NOT EFFECTIVE!
>DON’T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!
DON'T YOU DARE USE ANGRY CAPITAL LETTERS INSTEAD OF ITALICS OR BOLD! THOSE TWO FIENDS WOULD MAKE OUR TEXT... *GASP*... LOOK PROFESSIONAL!
These are just some of the more obvious things. Seriously, you NEED a pre-reader.
674397
That last person who criticized me tried to tell me how to write my story. You on the other hand made some valid points. I didn't mean for the first perspective with Trixie, I put dreamscape because I don't really know how else to put that, and self insertion? You missed a few, Night Fire, Dark Fire, and the mention of Dark Flame. I use 4 different ocs of my own, each with a different skill set, and a different species. Obvious? Yeah. Fun to do? Completely.
674974
You mean Little Jackie Papercut's comment? Dude, he was trying to help you. I've said nothing different to what he said, and yet you take my comment in good faith?
And to be honest, my criticisms sound extremely obnoxious... They're all valid points, but made rudely. Why side with me when he was obviously a lot kinder to you?
675012 what most people call, mentally insane, and not mentally healthy. I did listen to his for a while, but when he did start to try and tell me different ways to write it, it got more insulting. I've dealt with jerks all my life, and writing is my main way of getting rid of stress. I am a fanfiction.net writer that is very successful, and when I came here, I started off fresh. The rules, and typing is different. I'm still learning, and the thing about bold and italics, I write this on a iMac, have you ever tried using their word? Nightmare.
675028
it got more insulting.
I'd honestly love to know what your standards of 'insulting' are. He seriously didn't say anything that bad!
675062
Um I'm insane, different things are insults to me than to you. I've been like this for a while and why are iMacs pieces of crap!?
Big Mac was sitting like a boss
679097
Of course. Big Mac is a boss.
Very interesting....but I agree with the rest, why would twilight and zecora have to think of a reason to help??? I would've helped anypony who's in need.
1762224
A REPLY?! OH MY GOSH!!!!!! 
THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I GOT ONE ON THIS SITE!!!!
Well it was just an honest question Zecora decided to ask. And Sorry but I have to do this.
I am liking this series, so far. I like how the relationship have seem to have started. I love how Twilight wanted to get her mind off of Spike with a marefriend, and the next story ends with Applebloom and Spike making out.
So. I'm going to stop here. But I'm going to tell you why.
The story feels uber rushed. not even 4k words in and they have admitted their love for each other.
Twilight seems to be pretty focused on the thought of having her apologize to the town instead of the large gash on her stomach and how it got there.
Also you haven't seemed to use Trixie speaking 3rd pony once.
The nightmare scene was over the top.
You only need notes at the end of the story. Having them at the top really messes things up a bit. If you really want to have them there then at least use page breaks.
The script for it ---->[ h r ]
What it looks like with out spaces and working correctly
vvvvv
I would think Twi to have a little more tact than that. I mean c'mon
It's so outta left field and so casual that it just feels weird. You don't just ask that. After seeing how Trixie was acting in her sleep I'd think she would realise the emotional pain such a question would bring about.
The part before that was really weird too. It got confusing as to who was talking (the whole forgetting things scene)
I decided to take a chance and read the next chapter too. Wow. I don't wanna be rude but. It seemed to have gotten worse.
How old is AB again? I mean "Obviously seductive tone" calling Spike hot?
you just throw all those couples out there with no build up at all. and What did Pinkamena mean by what Trixie did to pinkie? She didn't do anything to her since judging by the year these chapters were uploaded it was before magic dual.
Everyone just accepts that basically Pinkie is dating herself. I mean yeah "it's pinkie" and all that jazz but still.
So yeah. I'm done here. Do what you will with my criticism.
Have a good life.
Interesting. That was a nice little story. Now we get to know Trixie's past.
Don't horses have four legs? Or did you mean forelegs? Or did you mean hind legs? Just curious.
Whew! I am so glad you didn't kill Twilight. Is there going to be another chapter to this?
the pinkie couple kind of confuses me a little but that also brings up the thought is she the pinkamina that kills others and makes them into cupcakes or is she a different one that doesnt do that. the introduction u have at the begging and the do u like the chapter thing at the end is kind of not needed