Hey this is a story that is likely to get me hunted down and killed if it goes over badly. I apologize for any mistakes in my grammar, and this is in second person format, so this is new to me. If Jackleapp or Micthemicrophone, or any other Brony Music Artist is reading this, PLEASE don’t kill me. The song Spring (Lyra and Bon-Bon) is owned by Jackleapp.
Pain, that’s all that you felt at the moment. You had been taking a vacation from Cloudsdale and had crashed, into a tree of all things. You had come out of the crash just a bit worse for wear. Sure you could walk, but now your wings were broken. You saw Ponyville, the town you were heading to, not too far from where you had crashed so you started to walk to it. As soon as you got to town you saw the hospital. You went in and the nice nurse mare saw your wings. She quickly put wings in slings while you were in urgent care. She then told you that even after they heal you may not be able to fly for quite a while.
“Man, this is not how I planned on spending my summer.” You say after you walk out of the hospital. You had your bag of bits in some plain green saddlebags, so you figured you needed to find somewhere to stay, but sadly every hotel had no vacancy signs. “Well this is just lovely. I can’t fly, I can’t find a single place to stay, what the buck do I do now?” You asked to no one in particular.
“Well you could stay with us.” A voice said from behind you. You turned to see a mint green unicorn and a cream colored earth pony standing behind you. The unicorn had green and white hair with a golden lyre as a cutie mark. The earth pony had purple and pink hair with three pieces of candy as her cutie mark.
“Huh?” You ask confused.
“Well you could stay with us. You said you have nowhere to go, so just come home with us, we have a spare room.” The unicorn replied.
“Well I wouldn’t want to impose upon you.” You say being the nice stallion you are.
“You won’t be, we want you to come with us.” The earth pony said. “ Oh and I’m Bon-Bon, she’s Lyra.” Bon-Bon told you while walking ahead of you with Lyra.
“But I just met you, this is a bit much for you to do to total stranger, I’ll find a place.” You tell them. As you start to walk away, you find that you suddenly can’t move. Your entire body is covered by a green glow. Your body turns and you see Lyra’s horn glowing.
“If you won’t willing come with us, we will make you come. We won’t let somepony just stay outside with no place to stay.” Lyra said walking with Bon-Bon.
As you get to their house the put you in before walking in and shrugging off their saddlebags full of their shopping. They had bought a week’s worth of food from the various vendors. As they put the bags down Lyra let you move again.
“Well this is just embarrassing!” You exclaim to them. “Kidnapped by two ponies who don’t know me, and wouldn’t let me try and find a place.”
“You didn’t go to hotels and see if they had any vacancy?” Bon-Bon asked you.
“Okay I did, but really, this is just too much! You don’t even know me.” You say trying to figure out why they would do this.
“So what?” Lyra says levitating the food to where it needed to go.
“What do you mean so what?” You ask confused.
“So what if we don’t know you?” Lyra asks finishing her job.
“We aren’t going to leave a pony with no place to stay alone if they are injured and we have a spare room.” Bon-Bon says to you.
“But I’m a complete stranger!” You say.
“Well that’s why we did it. You don’t know anyone in this town, so why not let two complete strangers show you some common courtesy and let you have place to stay. Lyra says sitting down next to Bon-Bon on the couch. But the way she was sitting was weird.
“Interesting, I’ve never seen a pony sit like that before.” You say seeing her laugh.
“That’s what lots of people tell me. I sit like this all the time.” Lyra tells you with Bon-Bon shaking her head. “It’s how humans sit.”
“I’ve heard of them before, but there is no proof showing they were real or not.” You tell her sitting to were your wings won’t hurt on another couch.
“Wow, that’s different.” Lyra and Bon-Bon say at the same time.
“Well this is a very nice gesture, I guess seeing as I can’t fly away I have to stay.” You say.
“You make it sound like a bad thing.” Bon-Bon says looking at you.
“It’s not, but don’t you think people might wonder if they see a male pony in your house?” You ask them curious.
“Nope, I see no reason why someone might find it weird.” Lyra says to you.
“You’re both female, I’m a dude. You don’t think someone might find that a bit suspicious?” You ask shocked at how fast they shrugged it off.
“Nope.” They say.
“Well wow.” You say sitting back and jumping in pain, having forgot about your wings.
“Careful now.” Lyra says to you looking worried.
“I’m fine.” You tell them. "So, which room upstairs can I sleep in?"
"First door on your left." Lyra tells you.
You head up there after telling them good night and quickly fall asleep.
You wake up the next morning as Lyra and Bon-Bon are still asleep and go downstairs and start to make some eggs and toast. As you make them you hear Lyra start coming down the stairs. She comes in to see that you are already halfway through with making breakfast.
"Wow, this is pretty nice. I mean sure me and Bon-Bon can cook, but we are not as good as you." Lyra said praising the food.
"Thanks, now where is Bon-Bon?"
"I'm right here. Good morning to the two of you." Bon-Bon said was she made her way into the kitchen.
"Ah there you are, well I'm not the best cook, but I hope I did a good job."
"This is way to good for you not to be a good cook. It's some of the best food I've ever had." Bon-Bon tells you smiling.
"I agree, this is way delicious." Lyra tells you with a smile.
"Well thanks, it's just a way of me telling you thanks for letting me stay here for a while." You tell them with a smile.
"Well heck, it wasn't anything really. We were just being kind and helping out another pony." Lyra tells you finishing off her food. You and Bon-Bon close behind.
"Here, let me clean the dishes." Bon-Bon says trying to take them, but you stop her before she can.
"I made it, so I'll clean it up." You tell her taking everything to the sink and starting to clean it.
After you finish you head into the common area and sit down on the couch where Lyra and Bon-Bon are also. So this starts them asking why you are here in the first place.
"Well the reason I'm here is because Cloudsdale gave me a vacation after how long and hard I've been working. I decided I'd come down here for a vacation, but looks like I'll be here a bit longer due to the tree." You tell them motioning to your wings.
"Well we will help in every way we can." Lyra tells you.
"No, it's enough that you two are giving me a place to stay. You don't need to help out anymore than you already are."
"Fine, well this is our day off, so how about we show you some of our skills?" Bon-Bon asks heading to the kitchen.
"Um, sure I guess."
"Well my skill is making treats, so watch this." Bon-Bon tells you quickly grabbing some ingredients and making chocolate, then quickly mold it into another shape and then have it encased in a hollow outline. She then stuck it in a fridge, telling you that in half an hour it'd be done.
"Well what about you Lyra? What's you talent?"
"Well my talent is playing a lyre." She tells you grabbing hers. She starts to play, plucking the strings and making beautiful music for half an hour your lost in the song she's playing but then she stops and Bon-Bon comes out of the kitchen where she had gone and shows you the treat she had made.
The second you see it, you are speechless. She had made the chocolate look like the cottage you are in. Then she handed you and Lyra some spoons and told you to dig in with her, and as you did, you realize that it's not hollow, the inside is well, the inside of the house.
"Bon-Bon this is amazing!" You tell her shocked at how well she did it.
"Well it's my special talent so it wasn't as hard as it would be for other ponies." She says with a shy smile.
"Well girls I'm going to leave you to finish this treat, because I need to look around town." You tell them leaving.
As you leave you quickly head for a destination that nopony is around. You head to a huge empty field off the side of town and make sure that nopony owns the land before heading to a construction office. You hand them a few hundred bits and tell them what type of house you need and they tell you it will be done in a few months.
You head back to Lyra and Bon-Bon's house to find them sitting out side with Lyra playing her music. As you approach Lyra looks up and stops playing.
"So where did you go?" She asks you looking curious.
"Oh, nowhere. I was just looking around town. After all, if I'm going to be here for a while I should get to know the town a bit better."
"Good idea. Well we all got up a bit late, and it's already close to seven. Let's go inside and have some dinner, with a special dessert." Bon-Bon says walking inside with Lyra following. You come inside and instantly smell the food cooking.
They had made some tomato soup, with a couple sandwiches along with it. You weren't sure what was for dessert, but at the moment you didn't' care, you just wolfed down your dinner. You would have been ashamed of your manners, if it wasn't for the fact your hosts were doing the exact same thing.
"Oh wow, that was amazing." You say not particularly full but satisfied.
“Well I hope you saved some room for dessert, because here it is.” Bon-Bon tells you coming out with a multi layered cake made into sections for every type of cake flavor you’ve ever heard of, with a few other’s also there.
“This is amazing Bon-Bon.” You tell her as she hands you a slice.
“Thanks, but I was a bit hasty on it, so I hope you and Lyra like it.”
“It’s amazing as always Bon-Bon.” Lyra says with a smile.
“I agree. Never had better.”
“Thanks.” Bon-Bon says blushing.
After you all are full of cake, you all head upstairs to bed. For the next few months it’s like this, you learn the town and learn most of their names, you check on your house, and you become friends with Lyra and Bon-Bon. So basically you spend an entire summer due to your broken wings, listening to Lyra’s plucking strings, and eating Bon-Bon’s amazing treats. You always feel like they were hiding something from you. And then, the day your house is done, and you fell sad that you have to leave. But you do decide to watch them and for a second you don’t believe your eyes. They had both sat on a bench and kissed. You were sad, and a bit sick seeing how much they were in love, and wished you weren’t so afraid to tell them that you’re leaving that day, but as the sun was setting you are already on your way to the new house as they realize that you have left them. All they found was your room empty, a hundred bits, and a note that said, “Thanks for everything.”
This is the first chapter of this. I hope I did a good job. PLEASE DON’T KILL ME. If it’s bad I’ll stop, but I really am hoping I have done a good job. I’ve never tried something like this, it just popped into my head. So I hope you like it. Again full right of name and idea is from JackleApp. Night Fire, away!
The writing seems a bit choppy- but that might be thanks to the fact that it is in second person, and not many authors decide to go that route. Aside from that, good job so far. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
'Hunted down and killed?' I think you may be overreacting.
*Reads copyright laws*
...........You might want to go find a nice safe security bunker.
884631
It's so rare because for whatever reason, it makes the story harder to connect to
which is kinda counter-intuitive, if you think about it...
I have a feeling this is the story behind Griffin Village from Jackleapp. Hmmm.... *read later*
Okay, I did delete my first comment because I'm stupid, yup. Anyways, I liked the story, but won't be following it. The writing was pretty good, but I have a hard time reading second person, so you have my support for writing in such a difficult POV. Good luck.
885125
Well thank you very much for that.
884631
Thank you.
884669
I'll find out soon how much I'll be hated, I'm about to go message them.
885012
Best review on second person I've ever seen
885082
I look forward to your actual review
this wouldn't be related to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8VfBIXCp9U would it just a guess based on your description
885237
Close, it's based off the original version by Jackleapp.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_923791&src_vid=W8VfBIXCp9U&v=tKBw1lxS4zE&feature=iv
885284
ah well consder it read when i wake up tomarrow
885285
Ah, well this has gone over better then I expected it to.
well at first i thought this would be kind of lame, because of the short def... but its kind of good im going to read all your stories!
Read later
watch
885316 5 likes, 0 dislikes, I think you get to live to see another day!
885428
Thank you kind sir
885487
Well I told mic and jackle so we will find out. Luna, don't let me die
885155
why thank you
based on the reviews I'm seeing, i think i'll go read some of your other fics before passing judgement
nothing personal, 2nd person just doesn't work for me
885642
I know what you mean. I've never done a second person story before this. I prefer third person. I just beg people to give them a chance.
885532 Well make sure to post or something If they end up sparing you; if we don't hear from you for a few days we'll figure the assasians caught up to you.
Oh, and good luck.
886155
Well give it about a week, if I don't do make an indication I'm alive post something, wait 2 days for response, any longer and I may have been killed or flamed big time for this and hiding from public.
Considering that I set the bar pretty high pre-read because I ADORE Jackle App... this was kinda sub-par. I don't like it nor dislike it, and I do love the concept of making a story out of a song (see Rainbow Factory) but this was done waaaayyy too choppily and in a weird second-person view, especially since the song is in first-person.
I think a revision of this and a switch to first-person would really make this fic great. Also, expand on his goings-on with Lyra and Bon Bon, don't just glaze over these adventures!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
886485
Well can you please take into account that this is my first time doing something like this, and all you're told is he crashed into a tree, and only Lyra and Bon-Bon gave him a place to stay? But I was waiting for someone to say they set the bar really high. And also I'm doing this in song order so it's going to be over a year in the story time and Rainbow Factory was a song from fanfic. Your think of want it need it.
886624
I see three other stories in your repertoire, but doing something like this is, indeed, a bit of a feat. And Rainbow Factory was not a song from a fanfic, the fanfic came from the song. Here, read the first paragraph of the page.
886772
Alright, and you see three pony stories there. To tell the truth I have a few Kung Fu Panda stories I write that a small group of bronies and my gf read along with the kfp fanbase. Three in progress, one complete, but until this, nothing at all like this.
884631>>884669>>885012>>885082>>885125>>885237>>885428>>886485
Hey all of you. I wanted to say thanks about the story, but also I needed to tell all of you, that I have taken into consideration what has been said, and the fact someone didn't' like it, and revised the first chapter, going into more detail. I hope you guys like it, and if you do that you'll tell some people about it. So check it out.
941984 well, it's a lot better!
It just still has that feeling that it's being rushed. It not that you need more of a story, you just need to write in more detail and describe more apon what is happening in the story. For example, (this is my opinion) the part of the story with the crash should enclude some sort of a backstory and it's own chapter. But you are the writer and you white what you feel like writing.
I still have an overall positive view of this story and it can still go far, so keep it up!
943530
Well thanks for the positive vote and Chrome is sending me the next time chapter so it will be up soon.