• Member Since 8th Jul, 2015
  • offline last seen Feb 14th, 2019

Verzeih Turncoat


Looking for proof reader / Bad at writting in english.

E

Plays one month after the return of Princess Luna.

Maud mets a troubled pony a tries to help her.

(Depending on the feedback Maud might have help other villains as well.)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 6 )

The idea is sound. The biggest problem for me is that Maude's diction is off. She typically speaks in straightforward sentences (short ones unless she gets excited) and when not using geology/Earth science terms, tends to use very simple vocabulary. The latter might be a result of trying to get a word in around Pinkie. Imagine a line said in her voice after you've written it, and re-write it if it doesn't sound right.

Chrysalis's dialogue is better, but might need some tweaking. The descriptions aren't terrible but there are some awkward bits. Like why Maude would know about the Tree of Harmony at this point. I suppose she might know about the elements, but then again if she doesn't know about Luna she hasn't communicated with Pinkie since the series opener.

Personally I'd recommend another draft. You've got a good idea and a good story skeleton there, but the character dialogue and description is off.

Maud helping villains is now cannon [S7E04].

I could see her breaking the ice sheet on the Frozen North that contained King Sombra back in S3E01 (to access the rocks underneat). It could have being an important part of her doctorate tesis.

Same thing with the Tartarus escape of S2E20 [either providing an alternate escape route, or just disturbing Cerberus].

8129640

Well I just wanted to be the first one to put out a fanfic on the concept of unaware Maudalina helps the villains. This was writen at 3 o´clock in the morning for me.

Considering that there is a refernce guid for the Elements of Harmony and Maud is on her way to doctor in petrology it is not completly out of the picture.

I pictured that Maud had talked with Pinkie. She knows about Luna and that she has returned. But she just don´t know how she looks like. Pinkie is not above some mistakes and might have explained how Nightmare Moon looked and not the reformed Luna.
On that premise functions the whole story.

But yes I should go back on the story board to rework this story on some angles.

8129839 I believe you mean Rocktorate. Much as I don't like that pun.


8129932 Yeah but Twilight was only peripherally aware of the Elements, and they might be out of Maude's wheelhouse. I say might because they DID appear to be made of stone previously. Still, she would likely not describe them as fruit, and the Tree of Harmony was totally unknown at the time.

There's something to being first out. I've got some reviews to edit myself before I can write from this ep, but it's now my 2nd favorite, after Amending Fences.

This is everything I've dreamed of! Delightful!

This makes an amazing story and hope to see you do more! Just imagine that Maud has help every villain in the series without thinking... Wait a sec... what if... She is a villain as well!! :pinkiegasp: :pinkiecrazy:

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