Me and my Fleur

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Comments ( 10 )

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Speedy Silverstreak

Speedy Silverstreak #1 · Apr 29th, 2017 · 1 · ·

I was almost tempted to say this was a rape story up until the end.

Almost

jackplanet88

jackplanet88 #2 · Apr 29th, 2017 · · 1 ·

8127851 That was exactly the point lol good old bait and switch

Speedy Silverstreak

Speedy Silverstreak #3 · Apr 29th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8127863 okay then. You still got a story like from me

jackplanet88

jackplanet88 #4 · Apr 29th, 2017 · · ·

8127866 thanks I appreciate it

ScrambledCrackers

ScrambledCrackers #5 · Apr 29th, 2017 · 1 · ·

Ok, here's a word from a fellow writer that has had plenty of struggles with subtlety and implementation in the past. A never ending battle, really.

The overarching concept is fine. What wasn't fine was the detail work and methods of description utilized over the course. There was nothing hinting toward Fleur being more than an unwilling captive. Because of how it comes across until the end, you have a situation where the plot twist feels more like it ran through a grinder to appear than a smooth transition. Quite frankly, there's not much more to it as far as the main issues. It was too over the top on the harshness and lacked an underlying connection. While I know it wasn't a long story, you would greatly benefit from fleshing out sensory descriptions, giving little details, etc.

This story could be far more interesting and engaging if you gave it more quiet details. The color and texture of the bed sheets, the scent in the air, the closing conversation, and pretty much everywhere. In the lack of those details, it really feels like it's just a surface glance of the whole situation and what's missing stands out almost as much just due to that lack alone.

So really, not all bad, but you could do a ton more if you give a story the polishing aspects that really draw in most readers.

jackplanet88

jackplanet88 #6 · Apr 29th, 2017 · · ·

8128575 Thanks for the criticism and I greatly appreciate it. I'm still pretty new to this but that's the great thing about this I can learn and get better overtime.

The Crystal king