- Member Since 5th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 23rd, 2020
jackplanet88
Just a simple man from TN that likes ponies and pony stories.
jackplanet88
Joined 5th Nov, 2013 ·
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7954580 Thank you again
Hm.. I have a few words.
I would start a new paragraph when a different person is speaking. Readers can get lost in the conversation if you dont.
I didnt really connect with the characters. I'm not sure what theyre like beyond one of them being a star, one a fan, and both horny.
What was the scenery like? I know the main action in the story is sex, but there's a lot you can do to set the mood up here.
Overall, this story is written decently enough, with a few errors here and there. I didnt notice any huge ones, but with my first statement, I admit I glossed over the paragraphs a little. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Ps, dont put in the description that its your first story. People would find out regardless if it is or not.
7954642 thanks for the advise I might edit it later when I have the chance and yeah I should work on my paragraphs lol
7954651
No prob! I'm still learning myself.
7954656 Yeah I have 3 more stories I plan on writing in the next few weeks.
*<>* 0-100 real quick
then straight off a cliff
thru a flock of doves
on the way down
Landing in a chaotic explosion of WTF
Dead dove do not eat x5
Discord was not driving then who was ...
P.s
How you remove pants that aren't there ?
7955252 OK I don't get what that means but I will fix that error so thanks for pointing that out.
Oh man I nearly thought I would enjoy this strange shipping and that not even for the sex, but then it had to be a bit to crazy and something happened that would probably prevent a happy sequel to happen.
7958387 Well that was my intention. Suri's role was always meant to be that of an obsessed fan who would do anything to be near her love and with the band being in her home town it was the right opportunity to finally get what she wanted. Also this story was never supposed to end happily, and if you think that's bad just wait until my next story.
7964507 lol thanks
wooow, i never expected this story to end like this, woooow now he’s a sex slave
8217146 Yep and nobody will ever find him.
8217833
twisted man, twisted
8219264 Thank you😈
8219403
lol
That ending tho!
It's too perfect!
cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/697893326417952810/706924625115873300/tenor_12.gif