The existance of humans is of public domain in Equestria. They learn from our cultures, read our books, watch our movies. But nopony has ever been interested in meeting a true human being. Until one day, princess Celestia decides this moment has come. Unluckily, the teleportation spell at long ranges is highly imprecise, and thus they don't know who's getting to Equestria. But that someone isn't going to regret it.
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First fanfic *ever* (AKA I've never wrote anything before that), be generous with constructive criticism. Also, English is not my first languge.
But! Don't let that make you act like sugar daddies. I'd rather read a honest comment that vehemently critiques my creation rather than a sugar-coated lie which is supposed to make me happy. Dear FIMFiction community, I trust you. Don't let me down.
I want to thank my epic friend, who gave me the bubblegum when I ran out of it, when I decide to write my fanfic. And by bubblegum I mean motivation. And moral support. And proof reading. And also the cover. If you're reading this, I <3 you!
This concept is intriguing, but the execution leaves much to be desired. Perhaps you could elaborate on how the ponies first reacted to being able to indulge in things like human movies or art or music, rather than focus on two robber fellows that the audience doesn't really get a chance to relate to or sympathize with.
Secondly, one of your major problems here is the random switch in perspective, from a third-person view to a first person. It's never a good idea to use both, so I would just stick with one as to not confuse your readers. With that in mind, you're going to need to spend a ton of time in fleshing out these people, considering how cynical your audience is going to be with them.
Don't get too dialogue heavy, or it'll look like you're rushing. Spend some time to describe what the characters are doing, like their body posture, language, ete. If you just have strands of dialogue, you'll lose interest fast.
Grammatically shouldn't it be. "A pegasus, a unicorn and I."
I swear to God if this doesn't get featured I'm killing everypony...
Bring Dorian back with reincarnation!
Oh, yeah, First
Btw I love the stimulation Celestia got! Hilarious!
For not having English as a first language, this is awesome
Although, 'an' is only used with a vowel in front, and 'a' is only for constinents- or, anything not beginning in a, e, i, o, or u.
Somebody really likes Inception.
Your rather corny jokes fit in very well, and character developement is going well, thought the ponies being that forgiving seemed rather out of place. Other than that, I would like to see where this goes.
Great job on your first attempt. I think I might even track this..
I feel like he got over killing his best friend too quickly, like it should come back and haunt him or something. When I killed my brother it took like seven years for me to get over it.
Also, some minor gramatical errors, but otherwise very good.
918531 Maybe "It shouldn't be like that"? or "it's not correct"? - Also, what about all the other fics that follow that naming scheme ("X and me") out there?
918780 Thanks for the encouragement!
I promise I'll try to make this fanfic better.
918738
In GabeN's voice: "Yes, I do!"
"Corny" doesn't seem to have a positive meaning. About the ponies who are too forgiving, I know. This issue needs to be eradicated.
918615
Ah, ah, you silly filly. It won't. Now, put that blade down. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png
He won't come back. The good ones always die first.
Nope! Third.
No one commented on these parts. Even my editor refused to make any kind of comment about them. I guess they're the secret shame of this story... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
Thank you!
The next update will (hopefully) fix grammar mistakes.
918869 No, wait a second. You did what?
Well, having killed his "brother" will torment constantly, and in a later chapter he'll arrive to the point where... I don't want to give out spoilers.
918335 You commented first, I'll reply to you last...
(smiles)
(smile fades)
This hurted.
I put the story in hiatus, and spent two days in a semidepressed state, and started hating every artist out there. I even started hating myself. I grew disgusted of this fanfic, I was about to give up, euthanize Lyra and Renato, make the world forget about this horrible story, I said horrible things about it.
Some people, though, reminded me you were just saying what I asked for. Quite literally, I'd say. You've been extremely direct. I appreciate that, even if it hurted.
The first part is easy to fix. The second isn't. If I can't get the audience to sympathize with these two robbers, then the story quickly collapses. I suppose you know they wouldn't want to be robbers because they knew no other choice. Well, I tried to put good traits in them, but according to your critique these didn't really work out.
This can be easily fixed.
"These people" who? The two main characters? Oh, good Lord.
My editor pointed that out as well. Fixing this will be tough.
One small note: this story was created for my personal enjoyment, making it a good fic wasn't first on the list of my priorities. Since I couldn't lucid dream, I wanted to write a story around my desire - having fun with some ponies. But maybe the error was publishing it here on FIMFiction...
maxcdn.fooyoh.com/files/attach/images/3004/942/905/004/heman.JPG
HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA!!!!!!
when you updating