Twilight Sparkle, a magical pony princess, has fallen in love with Brad Flash Sentry, a human from an alternate dimension. Huh, seems very unlikely for this to happen what with all the Brad haters who don't like him because he's stolen everyone's waifu and is portrayed as an undeveloped and boring character. Happily Sadly (For Twilight it's sad.), the princess finds out that the human Flash Sentry and her friend, Sunset Shimmer, are now dating.
Heartbroken, Twilight begins to doubt herself in being able to find love. But when the pony counterpart of Brad Flash Sentry is stationed as Twilight's new line of defense, how will she handle it, and how does Brad Flash Sentry feel about the princess and his new position even though hardly any fan of the show gives a damn?
- Member Since 20th Feb, 2017
- offline last seen Apr 1st, 2017
Tavitima
"[Tavitima], ego bigger than future!" ~[Tavitima]
Tavitima
Joined 20th Feb, 2017 ·
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Chapters (3)
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Ok, there are a few problems here. First what Sunset did here would have gotten her shank in face with a pen by any high school girl, if Twi was visiting the human world and saw this then I'd let it slide but this bunt explanation is... problematic.
Second: breaking the fourth wall. I'm ok with breaking fourth wall but they're either subtle jokes in most stories or the fourth wall is wrecked in comedies staring pinkie, what was done here ripped me out of your story and you don't want that. Try to keep the fourth wall breaks a little shorter in the future ok?
finally you need to double space when a new character is speaking ok?
I'm curious to see where your story goes. good writing!
Is this supporting FlashLight or doing a bad parody? I can't tell.
Ok, you are new here, as your bio page reveals. That explains a lot.
We get heaps of poorly-written fanfics all the time, almost everyday. However, you seem to be a Flashlight shipper, so you stand out to me, and I will at least try to throw you a lifesaver.
Three things you need to know:
1) Learn good pacing, spelling, and grammar.
2) Don't break the 4th wall too exaggeratedly.
3) Flashlight is a difficult ship to sell, it's not recommended that newbies try it as their first story.
Spelling, grammar, and pacing. Spelling is okay, some grammar problems, but the spacing here is pretty lacking. As the other person said, double-space is necessary when starting a new paragraph. There is no surer sign that a fic will be bad than not having proper spacing. That's a harsh truth about reader interest, not an insult to you. I recommend you get an editor. Look around, there are plenty of groups dedicated to offering writing services for newbies like you. We want to help.
Second, your fourth-wall breaking. WAY TOO MUCH. Listen, some 4th wall breaking is fun, and some even find it cute. However, having yourself talk to characters back-and-forth, in the middle of the story, is just way too out of place. It completely derails the story's progression, and it's more of an inconvenience than it is a feature. Also, again, not an insult, just a heads up, that is the kind of thing many dislike around here for being "cringy". Conversations in chapters between you and characters or using way too many emoticons (like you did in your author's note) is a big turn-off to some readers. Emoticons are nice, but use them wisely. You have to show some level of maturity, otherwise it comes off as annoying.
Last but not least, Flashlight. Listen, I ship it to the moon and back. I don't care for haters and petty "waifu stealer!!11!!1". I think that with proper writing, Flash can be made into a compelling character, one that more than deserves the purple princess' heart. But that's the thing. Flashlight stories are CONSIDERABLY DIFFICULT, and a newbie should NOT try to write them, unless they are HIGHLY prepared.
The main reason for this is Flash's character and the fandom's attitude towards him. He was introduced in an awful movie and given weak character, earning him much spite. If you're going to write a Flashlight story, expect plenty of dislikes. Also, as I said earlier, for a Flashlight story to work, you have to make Flash a compelling character. The worst part? You have almost nothing to work with. That's right, you've got to make this character who everyone hates and has no personality into an interesting pony. That is a hard task, one that requires much writing and storytelling experience.
So there you have it. At the time of me writing this, this story has 5 likes and 5 dislikes. I suspect that it will have many more dislikes when I check back on it. I'm sorry, I don't want to be harsh, but you seem to be biting off more than you can chew. Be careful what you get yourself into.
With your description like that, I'm not even going to bother reading it.
I like FlashLight, but please for the love of Luna, fix your description and get an editor.
8025543
Thanks for the feedback!
Also, just pointing out that I don't double space. I learned to write the way I did in this story. Sorry if it bothers you, but many books I read are written the way I did it.
8025741
First option...
8027732 It is? Oh...huh. I couldn't tell. I thought this was an anti-Flash story.
8025794
Weird part is that with that everything you said, I literally had a screaming argument with myself on wether or not I should write this story. Sadly, my idiotic and childish ways got the better of me and I wrote it
because of my stupid undeveloped prefrontal cord!8027011
Sorry that it bothers you!
8027741
Mhm... I guess it could kinda come off in that way.
MOAR