Chapter One: Shock
Twilight Sparkle sat by the fire in her library reading over Starlight's latest spell. Nearby, Starlight and Spike were pretending to be characters from a book. It was just like every evening at the Friendship Castle. The ponies and dragon who lived there loved doing what they wanted everyday.
"Give up evil queen! I, Sir Spike the III will defeat you!" Spike declared.
"Not a chance poor peasant!" Starlight snarled, shooting a weak beam at Spike that tickled him. "Bow down to me and forget this battle!"
"Never! Free Lady Twilight at once! Thou should never keep a lady locked up, Queen Starlight of Starlandia!
"Guys, please! Rarity seems to be more of the lady than I am. Why couldn't you pretend she was the lady needing rescuing?"
"Halt!" Starlight called. "We can't pretend Twilight, we all have to be present!"
"It's all part of the games. But I really wish Rarity was the lady, we could've used my Rarity doll if we could've imagined!" Spike said with stars in his eyes. "Resume!" He said, facing Starlight once again.
"Uh... Okay? I really need to look into the rules of this game more, even though I'm guessing you make it up as you go along." Twilight said, clearly confused. Then, Twilight's attention focused on the book she used to communicate with Sunset. She smiled as it began to glow and vibrate. "Sunset's writing!" She said, jumping up and using her magic to teleport the book towards her.
"HALT!!!" Both Spike and Starlight giddily said, rushing towards Twilight.
"Let's see, last time we left off... Aha! Here we are! Spike, can you get me a quill please?"
After Spike gave the quill to Twilight, she replied to Sunset's message.
Hey, Twilight! I've got something news to tell you.
Great! Spike and Starlight and with me, we can't wait to hear it!
Okay, but, I'm warning you. This may be something that'll hurt you. I decided it'll be best for you to know this.
How could anything possibly hurt me? Come on, tell us!
Okay, so, it all started at Camp Everfree. I told Flash he had to get over you because he was crushing on the human Twilight who wasn't interested in him. Later, he asked me if he "waned to start over as friends" and we did. Later, we started to begin to date again. I felt kind of guilty, but how can a human and pony relationship work? I mean, I live here, I found that a little bit different. Please don't be upset, Twilight.
Wow Tavitima! So subtle!
Wha- Pinkie Pie?!
You're punching holes in your own ship! Who does that?!
Uhm... Me?
Pinkie Pie does NOT approve!
But I approve very much!
Fine, but I WILL help these two be together!
No you won't... My story, remember?
You'll feel the urge to write me in...
O... Uhm- PINKIE PIE GET OUT OF MY COMPUTER!
Twilight's face fell as she reread the sentences Sunset wrote. Spike placed his claw on his shoulder, and Starlight looked at them in confusion. Suddenly, tears fell from Twilight's eyes as she began to sob.
"T-Twilight? It's just a guy, right? Cheer up!" Starlight said, trying to calm here friend down.
"Not just any 'guy' Starlight! It's Twilight's first actual crush. Imagine how heartbreaking that could be!" Spike explained.
Starlight looked at her friend and mentor and pulled her into a hug. "Don't cry, Twilight! I know just how you feel... You'll get past it, don't worry. I mean, look at me. It took me some time, but I got over it in the end!"
"B-But St-Starlight! You, you, you don't get it! F-Flash ac-actu-actually liked me bah-ah-back!"
"Come on, Twilight! You're not acting like yourself!" Spike said, worry filling his voice.
Ooo, not acting like herself! I wonder who did that out-of-character placement!
Di-Discord?! What in the name of Celestia?! GET OUT!
Twilight stood up and shook her head. "I-I'm sorry for overreacting... I just never actually been in love before, and seeing somepony be taken away from me like that just rushed over me..." She explained, looking at the ground. "I-I should've seen it coming... Flash is a human, I'm a pony. We have different occupations, it it would've never worked out..!" She said slightly louder than she wanted it to be. Twilight's eyes watered a bit, but then she noticed Spike and Starlight looking at her with worried expressions. "I'm fine! There's no need to worry about me! I just need to think about it myself! She said too quickly for the two's liking.
"If you say so..." Spike grumbled, keeping a close eye on Twilight.
The book began to vibrate and glow again.
Twilight? Spike? Starlight? Any of you three there?
Twilight sadly sighed and took the quill.
I'm happy for you both, I really am. Tell everypony everyone that I'm so proud of you two to be together, and tell Flash that I'm glad he finally found someone worth while. And just for me to say to you, I'm proud of you to be earning your life back after the past you ran away from. Your still welcome to come to Equestria whenever you want! And don't you worry about me. I'll get over in no time, I'm sure of it. I really have to go now, so do Spike and Starlight. Make sure to update us as soon and possible and we'll do the same! Till next time, Sunset!
Bye, Twilight! And Spike and Starlight!
"Twilight..?" Spike carefully asked.
"I... I... I should've never been day dreaming. I guess that I should've been in contact with reality when I first met Flash..." She solemnly said before walking out the library and to her room.
Wonderful! That was the best thing ever! Great job, bravo, bravo!
DISCORD!!!
Cheer up, Tima! Put a smile on that face! It wasn't so bad! Discord and I can't wait until the end! Even though of course you made Twilight take the mature way of getting out of her problems!
Th-The end...? Twilight..? Hold on, GET OUT OF MY COMPUTER!!!!!
We'll get out of your computer...
... But not your head!
Ok, there are a few problems here. First what Sunset did here would have gotten her shank in face with a pen by any high school girl, if Twi was visiting the human world and saw this then I'd let it slide but this bunt explanation is... problematic.
Second: breaking the fourth wall. I'm ok with breaking fourth wall but they're either subtle jokes in most stories or the fourth wall is wrecked in comedies staring pinkie, what was done here ripped me out of your story and you don't want that. Try to keep the fourth wall breaks a little shorter in the future ok?
finally you need to double space when a new character is speaking ok?
I'm curious to see where your story goes. good writing!
Is this supporting FlashLight or doing a bad parody? I can't tell.
Ok, you are new here, as your bio page reveals. That explains a lot.
We get heaps of poorly-written fanfics all the time, almost everyday. However, you seem to be a Flashlight shipper, so you stand out to me, and I will at least try to throw you a lifesaver.
Three things you need to know:
1) Learn good pacing, spelling, and grammar.
2) Don't break the 4th wall too exaggeratedly.
3) Flashlight is a difficult ship to sell, it's not recommended that newbies try it as their first story.
Spelling, grammar, and pacing. Spelling is okay, some grammar problems, but the spacing here is pretty lacking. As the other person said, double-space is necessary when starting a new paragraph. There is no surer sign that a fic will be bad than not having proper spacing. That's a harsh truth about reader interest, not an insult to you. I recommend you get an editor. Look around, there are plenty of groups dedicated to offering writing services for newbies like you. We want to help.
Second, your fourth-wall breaking. WAY TOO MUCH. Listen, some 4th wall breaking is fun, and some even find it cute. However, having yourself talk to characters back-and-forth, in the middle of the story, is just way too out of place. It completely derails the story's progression, and it's more of an inconvenience than it is a feature. Also, again, not an insult, just a heads up, that is the kind of thing many dislike around here for being "cringy". Conversations in chapters between you and characters or using way too many emoticons (like you did in your author's note) is a big turn-off to some readers. Emoticons are nice, but use them wisely. You have to show some level of maturity, otherwise it comes off as annoying.
Last but not least, Flashlight. Listen, I ship it to the moon and back. I don't care for haters and petty "waifu stealer!!11!!1". I think that with proper writing, Flash can be made into a compelling character, one that more than deserves the purple princess' heart. But that's the thing. Flashlight stories are CONSIDERABLY DIFFICULT, and a newbie should NOT try to write them, unless they are HIGHLY prepared.
The main reason for this is Flash's character and the fandom's attitude towards him. He was introduced in an awful movie and given weak character, earning him much spite. If you're going to write a Flashlight story, expect plenty of dislikes. Also, as I said earlier, for a Flashlight story to work, you have to make Flash a compelling character. The worst part? You have almost nothing to work with. That's right, you've got to make this character who everyone hates and has no personality into an interesting pony. That is a hard task, one that requires much writing and storytelling experience.
So there you have it. At the time of me writing this, this story has 5 likes and 5 dislikes. I suspect that it will have many more dislikes when I check back on it. I'm sorry, I don't want to be harsh, but you seem to be biting off more than you can chew. Be careful what you get yourself into.
With your description like that, I'm not even going to bother reading it.
I like FlashLight, but please for the love of Luna, fix your description and get an editor.
8025543
Thanks for the feedback!
Also, just pointing out that I don't double space. I learned to write the way I did in this story. Sorry if it bothers you, but many books I read are written the way I did it.
8025741
First option...
8027732 It is? Oh...huh. I couldn't tell. I thought this was an anti-Flash story.
8025794
Weird part is that with that everything you said, I literally had a screaming argument with myself on wether or not I should write this story. Sadly, my idiotic and childish ways got the better of me and I wrote it
because of my stupid undeveloped prefrontal cord!8027011
Sorry that it bothers you!
8027741
Mhm... I guess it could kinda come off in that way.