- Member Since 27th Jan, 2017
- offline last seen April 13th
MoondustIsPoison
Ground up moonrocks are pure poison.... I am deathly ill -Cave Johnson
MoondustIsPoison
Joined 27th Jan, 2017 ·
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good story, can't wait for Celestia to scold twilight on the ethical horror she committed, and what was she looking for in a soul? someone that wouldn't freak out? why not just train a already living pony and transfer their soul over in the body?
7913443
I'll add celestia's input/rant soon
And the reason why twilight picked a soul/consciousness/whatever from another dimension will also be revealed in the same chapter
Hah! Read all the way to here. I'll save the rest for tomorrow lol
Definitely needs proofreading. Interesting concept though.
7918427
Thanks, and I am going to proofread and edit eventually
petty foal, thinking all she deserves is to be placed in kinder-garden, experimenting on another countries people would call for the torture or death. if the humans came and made note of this Celestia would have to give up twilight and likely her overly loyal friends lest she risk war
7918536 even if it needs proofreading it is much better done then ,many other stories I've read, this seems like you were actually focused on the spelling and not just spurting out your ideas onto a page, more people need to slow down like this
7918624
Thanks, and i decided to at least spell check it before publishing because so many stories suffer on it, and because my tablet keeps autocorrecting the more "unusual" words to stuff that makes no sense. BTW The only reason twilight isn't banished is because, of how the public sees her, she's a princess, and they would see her as infallible and if word got out it could cause protest and maybe violent actions, and because, another missing person report isn't much, if she for instance kidnapped a governor, or some high ranking official, she would be in deep shit.
7920260
Fixed
another nice chapter, though he seems to be taking everything too well, will he break down at some point? as in say for example the drone is keeping his emotions in check until it can arrive so he won't get himself killed but when it arrives and stops holding them back he breaks down? kinda hoping for more emotion from this guy
7921161
Something like that is inbound, but as I've hinted has just keeping himself preocupied as not to dwell on it, I won't spoil anything else
kinda hoping she lashes out, us males tend to hold in our anger and when it builds up we let it out.....or she could start acting cold to everyone, like a true soldier, no emotion, no opinions, just a soulless machine, that would hurt twilight and Celestia more then any lashing out ever could.....god i have grown sadistic
kinda hoping the griffins show more backbone then that hatch-ling, chrysalis has little to no cards to play, she requires the griffins to stay afloat, i love chyssi more then any of the others but she needs to learn what self destruction means
7924959
Sadistic is all relative, and the griffins are gonna get a rework and some more chapters eventually. And the griffins also need Chrysalis for her abilities, she wouldn't be kicked out for being salty.
7928460
Problem, Nova is essentially a chimera made of already existing creatures/ pony DNA and equestria doesn't have a close enough analog to start from and still end up vaguely human, monkeys aren't really close enough. Although good question
need to work on those conversations, no real impact to em, like they are just reading from a script instead of speaking from the heart, just some constructive criticism
7928936
Noted, I'm trying, but I'm absolute shit at dialogue, i'll try to improve dialogue in later chapters, and if I have the time I may go back and redo some of the earlier chapters, but thanks for the advice.
This is terribly written, there is little to no buildup and the speaking is far too robotic.
7941261
As I said, in my bio, Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I'm also still trying to find what works and what doesn't, and I'll probably go through this whole dang thing later and fix my atrocious grammar and bad dialogue, and I'm taking the time to at least try and add better plot development and whatnot to the newer chapters, it's called evolution, I've got to start somewhere.
i just had to stop reading, too many spelling mistakes makes it look like it was written by a drunken brawler, anyway message me when you get around to doing the re-writes
7941898
Sure, and some of them are actually intentional, others are my ocd autocorrect
I'll drop ya a line when I drop the edit bomb at the end
Dam
There's playing with fire, then there's throwing fucking napalm.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
Dispite all the bad grammar and that it appears English is not your first language, this is really good. I like all the nods and reference you make to other things. Keep up the good work.
8077860
English Is my first language, trying to type fast while using a tablet is most of the problem, another part was my autocorrect acting up, and im just not that great with grammar in the first place, although I am getting better (I hope) And thanks for the encouragement.
Great concept but a little bit confusing tho. You have peaked my interest.
8111574
Thanks!
And I know it's confusing, Ill try to fix whatever contradictions or errors I come across, although ill do that when I wrap it up.
SHES GONE PLAID!!!
Haven't started to read this yet, but couldn't resist following the instructions.
First of all, 'se' shouldn't really be there. If you meant to write 'so', it doesn't belong at the start of a sentence anyway. Conjunctions (and, but, if, so) should never start a sentence although people do it all the time, even I'm guilty of that. And if you either correct or remove it, please capitalise whatever is left at the start.
Secondly, 'ir' should be 'or'. The comma before the 'ir' is fifty-fifty on whether it should be there. You didn't need it as putting a comma before a conjunction is unnecessary because a comma is just there to put a break between separate points in a sentence. However, feel free to leave it in place as that's called an Oxford comma and is a recognised grammatical rule.
Finally, 'noticy should be 'notify'. That's everything.
Proofreading your own work is always difficult so I understand mistakes. When I first started this comment I only meant to correct those few mistakes and leave it at that. I may have gotten carried away. My apologies if this seems insulting or anything. Will read the story later and see what I think.
8123873
Ludicrous speed activated!!
(be glad that I didnt use the ship full of A-hole's gag)
8123905
I Fixed it!
That is usually what sentences look like just after I type them, then I have to go back and correct the fat fingered typing, I get as many errors as I can, then I move on, aaaand sometimes I miss a couple or just don't notice them, causing things like that to happen.
By the way I always like constructive criticism, so don't worry about sounding a bit insulting
8125322 Ok, when I read the story I'll constructively criticise anything I find. I just found the irony of correcting a sentence asking you to correct things too tempting to resist.
8126238
I will admit that it was hilarious thinking back on it, honestly im slightly sad that I corrected it.
8127967 I'd keep it and put an addendum under: 'I know that's bad, but for irony's sake I will not remove it'.
8129229
Re added to the best of my memory.
8129856 I directly quoted it, so you don't really need memory.
8130122
Oh yeah.....well it's back.
Interesting
I love destiny. About time the human show's up.
I found a couple of spelling errors in this chapter. It's good so far.
So dose Nova have a tail? And for that matter do any of the ponys have tails?
Huh I was hoping that twilight would apology to Nova when they met back up.
XD that is the best response from a doctor ever!!
Well that was interesting.
About time she had a meltdown.
This chapter could have used alot more.
Great chapter. I found spelling errors in this chapter.
She would be a warrior princess.
I found spelling errors. I'm definitely hooked on this now.