The beginning reveals the end, while the end tells of the beginning. - Anonymous
This is a multi-part story focusing on my own idea of Equestria's past. Focusing on the transition of power and the beginning of modern Equestria.
Told through his eyes, Forgeburn tells of his rise and fall, as well as the start of a story to be told through the ages.
This beginnings what happened over 2000 years ago, just after his 170th birthday.
Oh did I mention that he is an alicorn?
Or at least, he used to be...
Chapters (1)
An engaging read indeed. Some instances of I was not capitalized. Other than that, I didn't see any major grammatical errors or the like. I look forward to reading more.
There are quite a few things wrong with this description. The first, and most glaring, is that directly stating that it is about your OC breaks immersion before a reader even gets to the story. It would be better to call him by his name and actually describe what the story is about. Your readers are not stupid. They can figure out that a pony named 'ForgeBurn' is not a canon pony. They know the cast. There is no need to explicitly point out that he is an OC.
Speaking of the character himself, he already has a couple of design flaws that can be garnered just from the description. The first is his name: 'ForgeBurn'. Not only does it match your username, making this look like a self-insert fantasy, but the formatting is wrong. It should be either 'Forge Burn' or 'Forgeburn'. You can either separate the words or uncapitalise the 'b'. Leaving it the way it is is incorrect, and looks horrendous. It mightn't seem like a huge issue, but it's going to get really grating, trust me.
The second, more major issue is that he's an alicorn. Now, I can tell from looking at your short bio and the date you joined that this is your first story and you're rather new, so perhaps you don't know this, but alicorn OCs are generally frowned upon. The reason for that is that they tend to be Mary Sues—characters who are perfect, universally liked and extremely 'special'. They rarely have to earn the skills, strength or achievements that they get—everything is just handed to them. Conflict is central to a story, and a Mary Sue never lets conflict develop by virtue of being so overpowered that nothing challenges them. Alicorns do much the same thing. In canon, they are extremely rare, powerful and immortal beings—not exactly easy to challenge. They tend to suck conflict out of a story.
Think about Twilight—she had to work hard, overcome challenges, and earn her right to be an alicorn. Having your character start out as an alicorn already stacks the deck against you, because most readers will stop reading as soon as they see an alicorn OC, or even downvote without reading it and then leave. It also makes the story harder to write, because it's harder to come up with interesting and credible conflicts.
Finally, your grammar needs work. Incorrect words are used in the description, and several commas are missing. I haven't read the chapter yet, but I'll be back to read it and leave a full review later. For now, consider what I said and see what you can do to improve.
7901080
The actually content from what I saw generally pointed to it being potentially good. From what I've seen, his character was not a Mary Sue, but I see where you're getting at with the whole Alicorn deal. Might be an artistic choice to have made him an Alicorn?
Anyway, thank you for providing a contrasted review compared to mine.
7901080
Thank you for your feedback. Ill be sure to fix what I can and edit the story to fix the name.
As for the alicorn decision, I will get to how he became an alicorn, as i am familiar with the concept of a "Mary Sue". Plus I have a different non-canonical view of how alicorns are treated. I do thank you for your concern.
As for the grammar, I have to work with a program other than Microsoft Word and my Dyslexia does not help either.
Again, thank you for your concern and i look forward to your full review.
7901039
Thank you for your feedback.
As for the grammar, I have to work with a program other than Microsoft Word and my Dyslexia does not help either, so I do end up missing some "I" and other things.
7901616
I'm sure someone wouldn't mind helping you out with edits if that's the case. I didn't mention too much on the grammatical errors because you do have an interesting idea for a story.