Challenges of The Core

by ForgeBurn Writing

Where it all Began

The darkness seemed to expand as I gazed upon the land before me. A dark, red land that seemed to glow, the radiance illuminating the cavern above and below. The rock grew around me, stretching above my head, and below my hooves. The city of Brimstone was alive. I saw from my perch the black grass, growing in between the obsidian sidewalks. I saw the jade lamps as they swung from their hooks. I saw the black trees as they spread thin and tall, with desperation to reach for light, for true life. As I stood at my perch i saw the residents of the core. with dust gay skin and soft yellow eyes, they gathered to watch a show, one of great adventure from the upper realms where they walked opposite of them, where they did not know of The Core, of the lost civilization. So they lived while i watched from my perch, though they could not see me, i could watch them and provide them with light, though i would never be able to talk to them, i would never know their voices, for I am The Guardian of The Core. I am the magical link that provides this planet with warmth and provides the residents of The Core with life, and more importantly, love. I am alone.

My name is ForgeBurn. I am a Gray Stallion, formally red, with a dark blue mane, ending in bright yellow tips. My eyes glow a soft green though the hazel can still be seen underneath, with purple magic stained on my eyelids and upper cheek. My hooves and ankles permanently stained black by the ash. I live my life watching The Core and keeping it in balance. I smooth its edges and raise its peaks. I calm it in time and strengthen it with patience. I have been here for over 2000 years, watching The Core each time it starts to act. I use my life force as a dampener, as a link. For I am connected to it by force but also by my own willingness. It began so long ago, the memories have nearly faded. But I cannot forget. For when I forget, The Core remembers.

*** 2120 years earlier ***

"Star-Swirl!" I called to the white stallion ahead of me. The stallion turned toward me. His green eyes opening with relief, his short graying beard hiding the hint of a smile on his face as he greeted me.

"Why hello ForgeBurn. I see you have received my invitation?" I looked toward him after i walked up the cobble path

"Yes, indeed I have. Whats happening?" I said with an air of confusion. The smile disappeared from his face.

"Many things im afraid". Staying silent, not answering my question.

Why do i always have to drag the answer from him?

"Well start from the beginning" I stated with a slight bit of annoyance. "You'll find out soon. Follow me." So I did, slightly more annoyed than before.

As I walked, the courtyard I was previously in started to open up. My eyes trailed away from Star-Swirl so I could look at the structure rising before me. The Castle of The Divines. The clouds surrounded the structure with a soft blanket of white, almost has if the magic here was forcing it to, though it would not be a surprise. The structure was massive, though it was hidden here in the upper atmosphere of Neos-Equestria, away from the ponies below, the details hidden from all eyes. We finally reached one of the 7 limestone bridges that lead to the base of the marble structure.

"Star-Swirl why have you brought me here? If you needed to see me you could have visited me at the college." He stopped to look at me with sad eyes.

"It's not only I who need to see you." He said pausing in between each word "Now please, make haste, we will be flying to The Top."

The Top? Why in the name of all that is good would we need to go to The Top? Unless...

I continued to follow him and used some acrobatic magic to spring me into the air, only so I could spread my wings, one of the first maneuvers you learn as Alicorn at the college. Star-Swirl was floating up on a vapor cloud. The Stallion was always finding different ways to use magic so I guess this was an experiment for him. As we continued to The Top, the stars started to reveal their true brightness on the world, the sky clear of all things, the sun visible in the west, the moon to the east, and the cloud layer below us. Its good that the air near the Castle is still breathable, other wise I would be falling like a rock. It was then that I saw it. The Top, the courtroom of The Divines, The strongest source of Magic in the known world. Many would think that this room is like a large temple, with towering pillars and many other luxurious things. In actuality it is a giant glass and crystal dome, sitting on top of the Central tower of the Castle, inside were 7 Thrones. In each sat one of The Divines. The pit in my stomach grew larger as me and Star-Swirl flew through the dome, with it almost parting like water. This is going to be interesting.

The room spread around me. The floor was lined with rare gems and gold trimming. Silver bricks and bronze highlights made up the majority of the floor. I landed in the middle of the room and looked at my surroundings. What sat around me were the Seven themselves. Their names have not been spoken vocally for over five millennia, well except for Star-Swirl, whose involvement in the college requires it. There was the Unicorn Divine, Star-Swirl. The Dragon Divine, who i will call Draco. The Draconequus Divine, who i will call Concord. The Gargoyle Divine, who I will call Oberan. The Griffon Divine, who i will call MistWing. The Crystal Pony Divine, who i will call JadeBright. Finally there was the Alicorn Divine, Queen Terra. These were the ones who guided the world, who moved the Sun and Moon, who formed this world to their liking. After I was done gawking at the amount of power around me I turned to see two Alicorns sitting next to me. One was tall with white fur and a pink mane, while beside her stood a shorter alicorn, one of black fur and a blue mane. Both looked as scared as i did though what popped out to me the most was that they did not have their Marks. I was surprised as i already had one...

WHAT WAS IT

I took my eyes away from them as i turned toward each of the Divines and bowed toward each of them, holding my pose for 30 seconds each, and ended on Star-Swirl. What was weird was that the other two alicorns in the room were still as stiff as a board.

Was it me or did the room just get colder?

"Sit" Queen Terra told us. So I sat, but for some reason there was a silk pillow under my flank, it had just appeared there.

What in the world is going on?!?

"Please calm yourselves." Concord said with a large smile on her lips "Your tension could break this dome its so stiff" Her humor was not very calming. But it seems that it worked on the other two.

"If i may ask" I started, talking to all the Divines at once "but what exactly are the three of us doing here?"

It was at that moment I felt the eyes of the strongest immortal beings on my soul.

Why do I have to open my big mouth?

I waited for what was to happen next.

"Its simple ForgeBurn" JadeBright said with the sound of delight on her lips "You are here to be tested. To be shown where your power really belongs in this world"

*** To be Continued ***

Author's Note:

I've been working on this story for along time, trying to begin the lore in a way that i feel would work. Not everything is perfect, and there are still many questions to be answered. But be prepared and please give me your feedback. The next chapter will be much longer than this introduction.

Comments

[Cadiefly]

An engaging read indeed. Some instances of I was not capitalized. Other than that, I didn't see any major grammatical errors or the like. I look forward to reading more.

[JumpingShinyFrogs]

The beginning reveals the end, while the end tells of the beginning. - Anonymous

This is a multi-part story focusing on my OCs backstory and on my own idea of Equestria's past. Focusing on the transition of power and the beginning of modern Equestria.

Told through his eyes, he tells of his rise and fall, as well as the start of a story to be told through the ages.

This beginnings what happened over 2000 years ago, just after his 170th birthday.

Oh did I mention that he is an alicorn?

Or at least, he used to be...

There are quite a few things wrong with this description. The first, and most glaring, is that directly stating that it is about your OC breaks immersion before a reader even gets to the story. It would be better to call him by his name and actually describe what the story is about. Your readers are not stupid. They can figure out that a pony named 'ForgeBurn' is not a canon pony. They know the cast. There is no need to explicitly point out that he is an OC.

Speaking of the character himself, he already has a couple of design flaws that can be garnered just from the description. The first is his name: 'ForgeBurn'. Not only does it match your username, making this look like a self-insert fantasy, but the formatting is wrong. It should be either 'Forge Burn' or 'Forgeburn'. You can either separate the words or uncapitalise the 'b'. Leaving it the way it is is incorrect, and looks horrendous. It mightn't seem like a huge issue, but it's going to get really grating, trust me.

The second, more major issue is that he's an alicorn. Now, I can tell from looking at your short bio and the date you joined that this is your first story and you're rather new, so perhaps you don't know this, but alicorn OCs are generally frowned upon. The reason for that is that they tend to be Mary Sues—characters who are perfect, universally liked and extremely 'special'. They rarely have to earn the skills, strength or achievements that they get—everything is just handed to them. Conflict is central to a story, and a Mary Sue never lets conflict develop by virtue of being so overpowered that nothing challenges them. Alicorns do much the same thing. In canon, they are extremely rare, powerful and immortal beings—not exactly easy to challenge. They tend to suck conflict out of a story.

Think about Twilight—she had to work hard, overcome challenges, and earn her right to be an alicorn. Having your character start out as an alicorn already stacks the deck against you, because most readers will stop reading as soon as they see an alicorn OC, or even downvote without reading it and then leave. It also makes the story harder to write, because it's harder to come up with interesting and credible conflicts.

Finally, your grammar needs work. Incorrect words are used in the description, and several commas are missing. I haven't read the chapter yet, but I'll be back to read it and leave a full review later. For now, consider what I said and see what you can do to improve.

[Cadiefly]

7901080

The actually content from what I saw generally pointed to it being potentially good. From what I've seen, his character was not a Mary Sue, but I see where you're getting at with the whole Alicorn deal. Might be an artistic choice to have made him an Alicorn?

Anyway, thank you for providing a contrasted review compared to mine.

[ForgeBurn Writing]

7901080
Thank you for your feedback. Ill be sure to fix what I can and edit the story to fix the name.

As for the alicorn decision, I will get to how he became an alicorn, as i am familiar with the concept of a "Mary Sue". Plus I have a different non-canonical view of how alicorns are treated. I do thank you for your concern.

As for the grammar, I have to work with a program other than Microsoft Word and my Dyslexia does not help either.

Again, thank you for your concern and i look forward to your full review.

[ForgeBurn Writing]

7901039
Thank you for your feedback.

As for the grammar, I have to work with a program other than Microsoft Word and my Dyslexia does not help either, so I do end up missing some "I" and other things.

[Cadiefly]

7901616

I'm sure someone wouldn't mind helping you out with edits if that's the case. I didn't mention too much on the grammatical errors because you do have an interesting idea for a story.