In which Trixie can't sleep

Trixie sat before an open diary, quill grasped in the embrace of her pink magic as she stared at the blank page before her, unable to sleep. Hesitantly, she dipped the quill into an inkwell, and began to write. Slowly at first, but soon the words spilled forth onto the page with all speed.

“My name is Trixie. Trixie Lulamoon. “The Great and Powerful Trixie”. Personally I prefer the last one, but I suppose it doesn’t matter what I call myself. After all, nopony is going to read this.

All my life, I’ve been a performer. Fireworks, magic tricks, sleight of hoof, escape acts, illusions, I’ve done them all. Illusions are a personal favourite of mine, especially when using them to tell a story, because they allow the story to really come to life. Once, though, I got in trouble for using my illusions to tell a story when it turned out that my story was, let’s say, less than entirely truthful. And sure, after that, I kind of swore a personal vendetta against the pony who called me out on my lie, and only ended up making things worse. Definitely not my greatest moment, but hey, even Trixie makes mistakes.

But, ah, nopony needs to know that.

Where was I? Right, my illusions. They’re great for telling stories, especially ones with lots of characters and action that one pony by herself couldn’t possibly hope to replicate. And the best part about them is how quickly you can change them. One second you can be fighting a giant manticore, and the next you can be playing hoofball with a full team, or re-enacting a scene from a popular play with perfect likenesses of the cast members. At least, that’s what it looks like. I have lots of stories that I love to tell with my illusions, and they’re always my most popular acts whenever I perform.

Recently, though, I’ve run into a bit of a problem. See, there’s one story of mine that’s kind of become really, really popular. Normally that would be great, except it’s a story that I really don’t like to re-enact.

I’m sure by now everypony has heard of how the Changelings attempted to take over Equestria for the second time. They replaced all the princesses and a number of their closest and most powerful allies with Changeling infiltrators and thought that that would be enough. Scary thing is, they were almost right. Were it not for my good friend, my only friend, Starlight Glimmer, they might have succeeded. It’s a story that all my audiences love to hear, the thrilling tale of the common mare’s triumph against an evil that even Equestria’s princesses and mightiest defenders couldn’t stop.

I was there, you know. I was right beside Starlight every step of the way as we infiltrated the Changeling hive and helped rescue Equestria’s most important ponies. Everypony knows that, because it’s something I’m more than willing to make mention of in each and every show.

What I never mention is just how terrifying it was. Oh, sure, I may play myself up when I’m on stage as confident and all-powerful, but unless you were there you can’t imagine just how terrifying every second of that ordeal really was. Watching me perform the show on stage, as I battle with countless hordes of illusory Changelings, nopony would even think for a second that the graceful, competent mare they see before them is reliving that terror every moment she’s on stage. There are times when I wish I could just cut the story short and call it a night, but then, the show must go on.

The real story actually begins some time shortly before where my version of events does. Starlight, as she told me, received a letter from her old village asking her to attend the Sunset festival. After what she did there, she was understandably nervous about attending, and asked if I could come to provide her with moral support. Naturally, I accepted, being the good friend that I am. So, we arrive, and everything is fine. Everypony is cool with her being there and what she did, but she starts freaking out once they start asking her opinion on things. Seeing my friend in distress, I conduct an emergency evacuation and we get out as fast as we can canter. We arrive back in Ponyville some time later, and everything seemed… Different. I’ve never thought much of the ponies that Starlight associates with by way of her teacher, Princess Twilight, but even I could see that they were acting really weird. But, since it’s not my business to deal with weird friends, I shrugged it off and went about my business as usual.

Later that night, I was rudely awoken in the middle of the night by Starlight, who pressed me to provide proof that I was really me, before confiding in me that the Changelings have replaced Twilight and her friends. Understandably, I was hesitant to believe her, but the visual proof she provided had me believing in no time. Seeing one Changeling is a frightening enough experience after their ill-fated attempt at an invasion a few years ago, but to see not just seven, but eight including their queen?

Outside of the time I met a real-life Ursa Minor, I don’t think I’d ever been more terrified of anything in my life up until that point.
The rest of the story is the part everypony knows. Starlight, the chaos mage Discord, Thorax the reformed Changeling, and myself; we unlikely band of four, brought together by circumstance when nopony else could heed the call, descended into the darkness of the evil Changeling hive to defeat the queen and save Equestria.

I simplify things a little bit, leave out the parts that might bore an audience or make any of us look bad. I also leave out what it was really like infiltrating the hive. Everything was constantly changing, and every second it felt like we were being watched. Splitting apart, even for a second, meant the possibility that one of us could be captured and replaced by a Changeling. Discord was the first to get captured, actually. He used himself as a diversion to let the rest of us sneak past a detachment of guards. When ‘he’ came back, we knew he had been replaced.

The knowledge that even the single most powerful magic user in all of Equestria could get captured like that, well, that took over as the most terrifying thing in my life. If even he, with all his magic, could be captured and replaced, then the same could happen to any of us, even me. Even Starlight. I’ve never told her to her face, but the thought that she too could be captured and replaced scared me even more than knowing that the same could happen to me. Even though she’s my friend, she’s a lot more like Twilight than she is like me. They both have real magic, powerful magic, at their disposal. The best I can do is trick other ponies into thinking that I have that kind of magic.

But, you didn’t hear that from me. Trixie IS Great and Powerful, and don’t you forget it.

I leave out the part where Discord gets captured. I also leave out the part where I let myself get captured. ‘He’ was trying to lead us into a trap. I knew that of the three of us, only Starlight had the power to defeat the queen, and she needed Thorax to guide her. What she didn’t need was a showmare without any real magic, so I let myself get captured in order to give them the chance to get away.

I can’t describe what it was like being a prisoner of the Changelings. Terrifying, yes, in ways that I can’t describe, but it was so much more than just terrifying. It was like I had fallen into a deep pit of despair, where everything good was taken from me and only the bad was left behind. I was afraid, not knowing if I’d ever get out or be a free mare again, but that wasn’t what scared me the most. What scared me the most was the fear that, any second, another Changeling would come in, and with him would be a captured Starlight.

In the end, Starlight didn’t actually end up being the one to save the day. That’s another thing I’ve changed for my stage version. In actuality, it was Thorax. He did something with his magic that, well, changed the Changelings, reforming them and turning them away from the queen’s influence. The queen ran off, defeated but vowing revenge, and all of us returned to Starlight’s village to participate in the last day of the festivities.

The nightmares started soon afterwards. Even though I knew that everything was okay, in my dreams I was powerless to stop them as they rampaged across Equestria. Always, Starlight was the first pony they went after, and always, there was nothing I could do to defend her. Princess Luna has come to me several times in my dreams, since then, trying to give me advice on how to work through my problems, but just when I think I’ve beaten the nightmares, they come back. This time, she’s recommended that I write about my fears. Maybe putting words to the thoughts in my head will help me to sort them out better.

I think… I think what I’m most afraid of, isn’t the Changelings at all. Yes, being surrounded by them was a terrifying experience, but… When I think about the nightmares I’ve been having, what terrifies me most isn’t that they’re running amok through Equestria. It’s that they’ve captured and hurt Starlight, and I’m completely unable to stop them. She’s my only friend, and I don’t know what I’d do if something were to happen to her. I… I care about her, more than I think is normal for a friend to care for another friend. And I’m not sure how to go about telling her how I feel.”

Trixie set down her quill, staring wordlessly at the journal entry she had just written. She had spent the past hour pouring her feelings onto the pages of the diary, and yet didn’t feel any different, didn’t feel as if writing about her fears had done anything.

Just then there came a knocking at her wagon door. It was early, too early, and the sun had not yet risen. ‘A visitor at this hour?’ she thought, ‘Who could it be?’

As it turned out, Trixie’s visitor was none other than Starlight Glimmer. “Hey Trixie,” she said with a friendly wave of the hoof “Princess Luna said that you were having some trouble sleeping, and that I should go see if you needed anything.”

Trixie shook her head, responding with “The only thing Trixie needs right now is to go back to bed.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize I had woken you up. If you’re sure you don’t need anything, I’ll just be on my way.”

Trixie felt her heart sink as Starlight turned and walked away. “Starlight, wait!” she called out. “Um… You didn't actually wake Trixie. And, Trixie guesses she wouldn't mind our company."

“Oh, alright then.” Assuming that Trixie had tacitly given her permission, Starlight made her way into the former’s wagon, closing the door behind her as she entered. “What’s up?”

Whatever Starlight had been expecting Trixie to say or do, it wasn’t the blue mare wrapping her legs around Starlight’s barrel and nuzzling her. “Trixie is just glad that you’re safe.”

Starlight gave Trixie a quizzical look. Displays of platonic affection were not uncommon between the two, but this felt different, in a way that Starlight couldn’t quite place her hooves on. Still, something was bothering her friend, so Starlight had no qualms about returning the affection shown to her. “And, why wouldn’t I be safe? It’s been weeks since we came back from the Badlands, Trixie. The Changelings are reformed, and everything is going to be okay.”

Trixie sighed, unsure how to word what was to come next. She couldn’t afford to beat around the bush or else she’d never be able to say anything. But, if she said something and Starlight ended up rejecting her feelings, well… She detached herself from Starlight, before slowly walking over to the window. The sun was just beginning to poke above the horizon, and in those first rays of morning, Trixie must have seen something that gave her the confidence to proceed.

“When we entered the Changeling hive, Trixie was more afraid than she’d ever been in her life. She… I, didn’t know whether we were being watched, and I didn’t know if we’d ever make it out again. But, that wasn’t what scared me the most. When Discord went and got captured, I realized that none of us were safe. Any one of us could have been taken next. Even you. And, I knew that if something were to happen to you in there, that there was nothing I could do to help you. And that terrified me. At night, I have nightmares where you’re taken prisoner by the Changelings, and I’m unable to help you then, as well. I… I care about you, Starlight, probably more than somepony who’s ‘just a friend’ should. I’m terrified of the fact that if something were to happen to you, I wouldn’t be able to protect you, or rescue you. I…”

Trixie’s sudden change from third pony to first caught Starlight off guard. Her friend had just unloaded one heck of a doozy, and it was clear to her that getting that out there was more important to Trixie than maintaining her image. Approaching this would require no small measure of caution. “I understand,” she said, tenderly shushing Trixie by placing a hoof to her mouth.

“Trixie has been afraid to say anything to you, because she wasn’t sure how you would react. Trixie was afraid that if she told you how she felt, you wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore.”

“Trixie…” Now, it was Starlight’s turn to give Trixie a surprise display of affection, catching the showmare off guard with a hug of her own. “Twilight Sparkle is a wonderful teacher, you know. She has such a breadth of knowledge about friendship to draw on, and she’s more than willing to share it with me. One of the first lessons she imparted on me was to always listen to your friends when they were in need, and to never brush them aside like their concerns didn’t matter. I will never stop being your friend, and I will never, ever judge you for feeling the way you do about me.”

“You mean that? Even though Trixie...”

“I’ll admit, it’s a little strange, but I’m flattered that you feel that way about me, really. Nopony has ever confessed their feelings to me before, and… I guess it feels nice, to know that somepony appreciates me in that way.”

Trixie was the first to break away from the hug, and the contortions of her face still spoke of some lingering hesitance. “So… Where do we go from here?”

“Well… I’ve never had a special somepony before, and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure that it’s something I’m comfortable with right now. I guess I still need some time to think about what this would mean for our friendship before I could give you a definitive answer. But I want you to know that even if I decide that being your special somepony isn’t something I want, I promise you that you’ll always be my best friend.”

“Trixie accepts your promise, Starlight Glimmer.” Trixie opened the door to her wagon and exited, taking a seat on the ground outside. “Trixie also asks that you join her in watching the sunrise.”

“I’d love to.”

Starlight joined Trixie outside, taking a seat beside her on the grass to watch the sunrise. Smiling, Trixie wrapped her leg around Starlight, drawing her close before giving her a chaste kiss on the cheek. “You know, even if you decide not to be Trixie’s special somepony, Trixie will still treat you like you are.”

This elicited a quiet chuckle from Starlight. “Of course you will,” she responded, as together they sat outside, watching together in quiet awe as the sun slowly crept its way up the horizon to begin the day.

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