Discord smiled across the wide table in front of him at Hermaeus Mora, who was glaring back at him. "So glad you chose to challenge me first," he greeted happily. "It's really going to set the theme for all these challenges...which is why everyone is here watching." He gestured to where the other Daedric Princes and the Nine Divines were gathered to watch the playout of events which would so drastically alter the balance of godly power in Aurbis.
Hermaeus Mora, for his part, simply snarled. "Let's just get on with it." He glanced over the deck of cards, the checker board, the chess set, and the bottles and glasses arranged on the table. "So what are we playing? Cards? Checkers? Chess?" He had confidence in those three areas, even if it was a game he wasn't familiar with. There were only so many combinations of rules any of them could be given.
"Oh, we'll be using all of them!" Discord countered as he filled the glasses with a brew Peryite had helped him create just for this occasion. It was specifically formulated to intoxicate Daedra. "We're playing Double Cranko!"
"...what?" Hermaeus asked uncertainly, not enjoying the fact that Talos, Clavicus, and Sanguine had all burst into laughter while Akatosh, Vivec, and Jyggorath had facepalmed. "What is...Double Cranko?"
Discord blinked. "Oh, a newbie to cranking. Alright, we'll do single Cranko for you..." He reached out to remove the checker board.
"No!" Hermaeus snapped as he heard boos and hisses from the watchers. "I will not be humiliated by being treated by an amateur! Just explain the rules to me! And make sure I can remember it all."
Discord grinned widely. "Of course! Why, I'll even do it...in song!(1)"
He quickly set out everything, speaking rhythmically. "First you lay out the cards and set up the chess pieces, using the shot glasses and cups as checkers. Rather straightforward so far but that's where that ends, because now it's time for the new stuff. Show your cards so you can see what you do."
As the cards were revealed, Discord continued singing. "Now you've got two faces, which means your hand gives me points, unless you've got a five of another suit for a helping hand. But that only applies if you're playing third edition and it's a Tuesday. Instead drop two cards and add one more, and now you've got three queens.
"With the three queens it's time to make a move with the glasses, but you weren't paying attention so you've been jumped on my turn and now you take a shot!" While he waited for Hermaeus to choke down the contents of the glass, Discord began singing.
"Cranko! Double Cranko!
A game that sounds like it was made by...Wakko!
It's so simple, so very simple,
That only a child can play it!"
As Hermaeus gasped for breath, Discord took his turn. "Now I start with gin, so I add some tonic, giving me three turns on the checker board. But we're playing Wonderland rules since we're in the Isles, but only because it's a full moon. To end my turn and collect my points I need to make the phase change, cause in the waning crescent that's rummy! Now it's your turn and the extra card, and your King's been caught with the wrong three queens which means his queen wants a divorce!"
Hermaeus Mora blinked for a time, several of his eyes whirling in different directions as he desperately tried to make sense of what he was being told. "A...divorce? What's a divorce?"
Discord patted Mora's cheek condescendingly. "Oh, you poor innocent bastard..." With that, he continued to sing the rules. "So your chess pieces split down the middle as the kids - that's the pawns - go with the Mom and the Knights with the King since he sticks with his boys, but the bishops are arguing the case over who gets the castles and if they meet in the middle they fight each other. So you've got two sides, and it's time to drink again."
Unsure what was going on anymore, Hermaeus choked down another shot, gasping for air and starting to get dizzy.
"And then it's Thursday so you flip the points on their heads, and then we switch sides and play each other's cards but not the pieces!" With a snap of his talons, Discord swapped places with Mora. "And then you roll the dice and it comes up seven so you take five more shots, and then you king me which gives me your queen since she needs twice the man for her kids. And the checkers are revolting as the second half of the game's played upside down!"
As Hermaeus slumped backwards, trying to make his brain work, Discord sung once more.
"Cranko! Double Cranko!
Where probability might as well be a...ta~co!
It's so simple...so very simple...
That only a child can play it!
Hermaeus stared groggily at the table. "I didn't understand any of that!" he gasped out.
With a wide grin, Discord pulled out the cribbage board. "In that case, I think you're ready for Triple Cranko."
Hermaeus Mora's face slumped against the table, scattering pieces and glasses. With a groan, he held up a white flag. "Please...no more...just...just stick me in a tutu or something, I give up! I can't make heads or tails of this game."
"Well that's your problem!" Discord chided encouragingly. "Coins are First Edition only. We're playing 3.5."
"Make it stop!" Hermaeus Mora bellowed despairingly. "Just let me die..."
"Oh, you don't die in this game," Discord corrected. "But you did surrender, so I'll take that oath now."
(1) The following is set to the tune of 'New Math' by Tom Lehrer.
that was glorious.
(edit:this was the first comment to show up on this chapter... cool.)
You did it.
You crazy bastard, you actually did it.
That made just about as much sense as Calvinball.
and that's how Kalvin Baul was born
Very clever. Reminds me a lot of this :
At this rate, Hermaeus Mora's going to try for a Section 8.
Playing dirty, are we? I almost felt bad for the tentacled asshole... actually no, not really.
So we have the most complicated game in existence... Yeah, truly only a child could comprehend it, unfortunately you're playing with shots and Discord would probably be chewed out if he offered Dinky a glass.
WH4T. The 8uck?
He's lucky Yakko and Dot didn't show up. It's over when dots-all, folks.
My brain blue screened because of this. moustache for you.
It was probably worth a shot to Hermaeus. Or ten. Let's just hope he doesn't feel Double Cranko when it's all said and done. Too bad he gave up before Discord could Crank it up another notch.
7842092
7842061
It's really quite simple. Just remember that every turn you happen to have seven points you have to sing ring around the rosie, and you'll be fine.
On a more serious note, it's basically Calvinball, the rules are made up as you go along.
I'm so glad I didn't try to make sense of that, my head would have exploded if I did
Then again, in a way, it could be considered cheating - it was a game which Hermaeus was not familiar with and the rules weren't concise enough to grasp.
Then again again, I don't see why Discord would care about making sense. Mora knew what he was getting into (or he should have had an inkling) so it's all is fault anyway.
thats the problem with letting discord choose the game on friday night, he likes to pick games with no actual ending state, or no actual loss conditions, or like in this case, with movable goalposts.
@,@ No more calvinball... my head.
7842085
Ah,so it IS an Animaniacs reference. I wasn't entirely sure.
I'm not gonna lie. It sounds like an RPG. An RPG played using Chess, Checkers, etc.
My logic for this is that there were dates and editions involved. Certain spells, abilities, etc, only work at certain times in RPG's, and different editions of the RPG can change how that ability/spell works and if it even exists or works at all.
It also has divorces and child custody involved. Which is deep role-play.
The drinking aspect of it is like what YouTubers do. "When you die/get scared take a shot".
There also appears to be a point system, which makes sense as its a versus game. The points could be a variety of things in an RPG game. Levels, kills, experience, etc.
I SOLVED IT!
Edit:
I named the RPG type.
it's a VCIWLRPG
A Very Confusing and Impossible to Win or Lose RPG
You guys screwed up the second Discord's terms stated that the challenged makes the contest.
Dear God! I don't know what that is, but if I know Discord, it's like Calvinball!
As you wish...
Oh boy!
I didn't follow a single bit of that. Then again, I was never able to follow the original song, which actually makes SENSE.
Or Calvin. If he were an alcoholic and a good deal older but with the same insane imagination. Or worse, both.
I'm shocked he knew what was going on in the FIRST place.
You evil bastard.
All of my fucking yes.
(A side not, I'm very glad I wasn't trying to make sense of any of that. Because much like Calvinball, it sounds like the sort of thing you come up with when you make shit up as you go along.)
Calvinball meets Discord in the most insane game of all time.
Double Cranko in action.
Man, Discord made Hermaeus Mora his bitch...
7842021 Good ol' Calvinball
OMG Dragon Poker!
7842451
When I saw the start of that video I had thought I was taught before "The New Math" started and I thought to myself "Dear god, have I honestly forgotten how to do subtraction? Really?" because it's been so long since I was in public school it's reached the point where I remember how to do things but I don't remember learning them. But then I realized the third way of doing subtraction was the one I learned in school which makes a lot more sense than the first two. And I have to point out that if you know what you're doing then by definition you SHOULD get the right answer because if you didn't get the right answer then you either made a clerical error, were taught wrong, or you DID NOT know what you were doing.
Incidentally I always loved doing questions in alternative bases in school. It was fun until we got to division, but we never did do fractions in anything other than base 10. That's probably a good thing, really. You should have seen the look on my classmates faces the first time the teacher asked us what the value of the 81s place was.
7842021
And the scary bit is: I think I understood that. I don't have enough information but I think I can see where those might make part of a coherent set of rules. Too infernally complicated to actually play the game and remember how to play the game simultaneously, so the game is rubbish, but the rules sound like they could be comprehensible.
Hermaeus Mora should've combined his chess pieces into the mega chess-a-tron by scoring a hole in one during the lightning round.
that way discord would've needed to get a hat trick to sink Mora's battle ship so he could finally upgrade his queen into a hotel and activate his trap card. it was pretty obvious when you think about it.
So... WTF just happened and why do I feel like the whole thing was a reference layered with references inside of it? I caught the DnD reference, but I must have missed all the rest. Also, poor Hermy should have partied with Saggy a bit and built up a tolerance, huh?
7842446
Yes. The Princes are supposed to challenge the current King (which Discord declared himself to be) and if they win, they get the crown. Last Prince standing with the crown is the King.
So Discord is the one being challenged.
I love Discord fast talking Mora into getting drunk by hitting him with rule after rule so fast he can't figure things out. It's Calvin Ball with alcohol!!!!
7842042 Bah, he'd give her chocolate milk. The last thing he wants is an angry Derpy out for his blood.
I wonder if Thespio would give singing this a shot?
pfffffffffffff hahaha
7843039 But that's going to work a wedge in Discord's King and Queens relationship too early! You need a couple spies, a ranger, and a future bishop with a car in play.
If you want the long game I suggest a hired gun to take out the party's clown but only before the hit man replaces him.
If the clown spikes the punch then Discord might take the lead but I doubt the dog will be house trained in time to keep the advance against him.
....it really does when you think about it..
7846428 you could always try the first fleet. All you need is the king and two bishops. Wait. That's in 7.5. Oops.
This was going through my head as I was reading this chapter.
Reminds me of fizzbin.
If you squint a bit, it actually makes sense.
Like for example, when mora's queen got a divorce, he should of told Darth Vader that the queen has the droids he's looking for, which would net him a cadre of stormtroopers, then knocked back a Dirty Wastelander for a roll on the Fluorite Octect, which, depending on the picosecond the 8th dice hits the table, will either set the edition to ver. 8.88, which turns your storm troopers into 40k storm troopers,or gives you a Weasal of Unusual Size. Now, most people give up when they get the weasel, but I have developed a strategy I like to call the Isaac method. First, stuff the weasel down the pants of your court jester(or your clown, either works) to turn him into a occult leader. Then have him cast a Curse of Greed on your king. If your lucky/unlucky he'll prock ultra greed and you'll be done with it, but my favorite alternative is stuffing his fat ass in a Chest and having your engineer build a sentry out of it, that should gerentee that all your cards turn up The Tower which gives you both the 5 of a kind AND the Black Scottish Cyclops buff! If that doesn't infect Madagascar nothing will
7862200 win..so much fucking win~~
7862200
But if they have The Zinerican Counter, they'd be able to turn the opponent's section of infected Madagascar into Zinc, which can be used to win through the iridian backspace.
7862200
Haha, he beat the daedra of memory and knowledge with that utter abomination of a game. Words fail me to express the awesome.
7862200
Unfortunately, that strategy falls apart when it's a half moon on the fourth Thursday in March, or when playing on a moon on the second Monday of November.
I wana whip this game out with my friends
Whereas I was envisioning (language warning):
Where did you found this clusterfuck of a game?
9743476
Made it up.
Actually double cranko is a real thing from the tv series M*A*S*H but the song is nice
8228012
I OBJECT! I just finished playing ALL the Pheonix Wright Games and control ALL of Australia on the Risk Board!