A pony is caught and punished for commiting terrible crimes.
Chapters (1)
White Wolf
Joined 26th Apr, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- InsertAuthorHere · 28k words · 776 12 · 13k views
- One-Of-Three-Names · 21k words · 140 3 · 2.9k views
- CalebH · 73k words · 444 27 · 6.9k views
- Wolokai · 41k words · 337 21 · 11k views
- Dan_s Comments · 10k words · 1,826 69 · 46k views
- MrBackpack · 41k words · 26 0 · 556 views
- Blueball-Blitz · 11k words · 33 1 · 1.3k views
- Syke Jr · 1.2k words · 39 2 · 785 views
Featured In7
- Celestia & Luna4,439 stories ·2,706 members
Slice of Life8,172 stories ·1,464 members
Rage Reviews!1,082 stories ·1,628 members
Celestia's Library3,182 stories ·1,085 members
Plan 9 From Equestria: 22,121 stories ·270 members
- OC wonderland133 stories ·26 members
The Most of Everything978 stories ·74 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.096 seconds
Total duration
861 users online
497,422 hits today, 2,591,549 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Good Criticism is welcome. Like the story? Great.
Don't like the story? That's ok too, but please explain why in helpful manner so i can improve it.
Please avoid Bad Criticism because those will be deleted. Why? It doesn't help me or any new writer get better.
817211 And here I thought the past people pointed out some good things...
Okay, first and for most, grammar. As with basically every fiction, there are some, simply proof reading or getting a pre-reader will help with this. Also, try reading out loud when proof-reading; it'll help you catch more mistakes because you actually have to form the words where your mind can 'fill in the blanks'.
Secondly, there are a few problems one might find with the transformation. One; a member doesn't equal teats on a women, so why should it change into it? Also, the flank doesn't /need/ to get bigger for a pony to have a vulva; though that can be passed off as part of the transformation as a whole.
Thirdly, the actually plot doesn't seem that well thought out and feels rushed. The story feels like: Stallion rapes mares and colts, gets transformed into a mare and then continues on in life. For your OCs, they weren't drawn out at all; they were stale and forgettable.. I just read the story five minutes ago and I can't recall their names or characteristics. And this story seems to have some underlying conflict on women/mares since a punishment fit for rape is changing the offender's sex type.
Fourthly and finally, a big one; Show, don't tell. X happened which triggers Y that then turns into Z. The story has little detail and is easily forgettable because your telling the reader what happens instead of showing them.
819547
1) I'm looking for a Proof Reader. Hmm. Speaking out loud?Ok i'll try that. As for grammar. I'll admit, it isn't perfect, i do try.
2)Ok, i'll see if i can fix that.
3)Ok, ok. I'll admit. It still needs work.
How i long i should work on story before releasing it. A day. A week? Month?
4) Ok. so more detail.
819706 Honestly, for the time you should work on it for all depends on how good you are as an author and how big the chapter(s) are. A lot of writers feel a good frame of time is a week, though like I said, it all depends.
Ok, Week it is. Also, I just begun reading it out loud like you suggest. I was like "Why would Sunfire's attackers be view as Accomplices?" So i'm beginning to see your point.
Ok i just finished reading(Out loud) and it does feel rushed.
Also, my characters look flat to me. So it looks like i got some rewritting or expanding to do.
I'm still new at this, so i'm no Aegis Shield or Visiden Visidane, but i'm feeilng like that's what some members want me to be.
Holy crap this is just PAINFUL.
1. Sit down, read it out loud, and you will find about 90% of your errors.
2. Add in details so it doesn't read like a play, he said she said he said she said. Where are we? Is it hot, is it cold, are there bugs, what time of year is it, are there any things of note happening around us while the story is happening.
3. Explain the origins of the "crystal"
4. Why are the royal sisters out looking for a singular criminal? They have thousands of guards for that.
5. REALLY clean up your speaking lines. If you change speakers, start a new paragraph. Put quotes around places where people are talking.
This needs a LOT of work, and frankly I think you should take it down and completely overhaul it.
Well, I did read it out loud to myself. Well, it..............feels.................... Well.............. Very Flat.
I'm currently hitting stumbling block. Part of me says: Its done. I suppose that's my inexperience talkin.
826904 This group may be able to help you, they have some really good information in it: School for New Writers.
Thanks, Man. :)
826757
It is being revamped. I find your suggetion of reading out Loud very helpful, Aegis.. You too zac zac.
One tip for you. Try to give your story more depth.
Take your sweet time in writing it out and really expand detail in your environment, characters ect.
Here is good example of what I mean.
( wrong). Twilight saw the sunrise in ponyvile and it was good. She enjoyed it very much as a sun watching habit. " I love the sun." It is a good morning in pony, she thought
(Right). Twilight's eyes watched in amazement, as the sun's brilliant rays of warmth were rising in the early dawn. She smiled as the sun's gentle warm lightly toasted at her cold face and its sweet teasing caress on her tired body had reminded her of why she loved sun watching. " Ah, I love the beautiful sun rise in the morning and how it the precise timing can always be calculated down to the second." This is good morning to study the science of life and read my literature, she thought.
See the difference? Also typing from phone so hope it's not too bad
4754044 I appreciate the tip, lighting dash 13. It is very helpful.
Yeah, dialogue wise, you should be able to not even use a name and yet a reader should able to identify who is speaking.
In fact without putting a name to any of the following sentences; I am going to write a one sentence dialog for each of the mane six, see if you can correctly tell who is saying what.
"Ah swears, this here apple buckin', sure can make ya work up an appetite."
" Hmmm, what design scheme should I use in making my client's new dress?"
" The Wonderbolts are going to train me; ohmigosh, ohmygoshhhhhh,ohimygosh!"
"No, that's...okay, that is... I don't mind... um, you can go ahead of me.
"YAY, IT'S A PARTY; COME ON EVERYPONY, LETS PARTTTTTY!"
" There is nothing science can not help us understand or solve in life."
Now White Wolf ONLY. Try to guess who is saying what piece of dialog.
4755469
______________________________________________________________
That's Applejack. She bucks Trees for a living.
That's Rarity. She's a fashionista and entrepreneur who dreams of making it big in Canterlot.
Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy.
Pinkie Pie
Twilight Sparkle.
Correct.
That's my final tip for you friend.
My little secret is that instead of trying to think of what would be a good dialog for character "x", I become character " x".
It can be difficult at first, however after a while of practicing ; you will find the dialog part will just flow naturally. Just practice the fine art of " character empathy"
Also side tip, never try to force a story and let ideas come on their own accord.
Well, good luck to you and I hope this little bit of tips helps
4755832
I'll Remember that. Thanks.
Oh my... I'm so sorry.
Okay, others pointed out various wrong things with your style. I'll address a different thing: the non-punishment. How is being a female such a terrible thing? How is it a punishment at all?
Let's imagine there's a serial killer from Minnesota, who chooses to murder Canadians. He's caught, and as punishment, he's given Canadian citizenship and his American citizenship is revoked. "You kept killing Canadians - so now feel how it is to be one!"
5003585
The point of that was:let punishment fit the crime and walk in some else's shoes. The bad guy in the story was unrepentive. Looking at it now, i now see it was a rush job.