- Member Since 26th Jun, 2016
- offline last seen Saturday
Valystine
Hello! The name's Valystine! I love writing, and drawing as well. Small warning, I have the tendency to start stories and probably not finish them, but please do enjoy what I have to offer. Goodbye!
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I genuinely enjoyed everything up until the " *********** Outside of Canterlot *********** " thing.
Then this happens:
That was a LOT of filler when it could have been one sentence, maybe two. I know you have this image in your mind about how badass this character is, but lengthy descriptions of clothes and guns aren't compelling, as they don't create or advance conflict. You could argue that they demonstrate something about the character's personality, but all I'm understanding from that description is how fashion focused, shallow, and I'M-THE-MAIN-CHARACTER-SO-PAY-ATTENTION-TO-ME she is.
Sniep, who is the narrator here, focuses so fetishistically on the way she's dressed.
To me, just judging on word usage and what got focused on, I can't help but think this is a character who's going to get unearned adoration from other characters while facing easy challenges.
In my opinion, the first half before **Outside of Canterlot** was the absolute best, with characters who have a compelling mystery to solve. Have them be the main characters. Have them stress over "Is this terrorism?" "Who was the real target in all those bodies?" After having the party goers all questioned by the police, have them in lockdown where they're suspicious of one another. This can be an extremely good mystery with high stakes if you just change which characters you're focusing on.
7529300
Thanks for the feedback!
I get and understand where you're coming from, and based upon what you've said, I'm going to tweak the story a bit to make it genuinely better. But I want to say one thing, the character described isn't going to be the main character, neither of the characters in the "Outside of Canterlot" part are, but they are important to the story. I'm taking your "having the party goers all questioned by the police, have them in lock down where they're suspicious of one another" idea into consideration.
With that said, look forward to a, hopefully, better story. And again, thank you for the feedback.
7529696 Thank you as well. And, after rereading my comment, I realized how bitchy I sounded, so I'm also bashfully saying 'thank you' for not getting pissed at my harsh and unhelpful attitude.
But anyway, the first half was Very well written, excellent word choice there. The first half was fast paced, befitting the shit-just-got-real scenario of a civilian finding other people reenacting a platter of gored tomatoes on the front lawn. While the first half moved quickly, there was enough description there that readers aren't wondering where this all takes place. People's reactions all make sense and you have a variety of different reactions for the same stimulus, making it feel more real. (You have the CMC being clueless, but sensing the tension in the room. You have the older people bottling their emotions to get organized)
Your writing style is good. Much better than a lot of the stuff that's getting higher views right now.
The only thing that killed your powerful first part was when the story applied its breaks hard for that assassin and employer exchange. And I think that's why I was so pissy last time. It wasted momentum and gave away who committed the murders too early.
Oh shit. I just noticed huge alterations in the chapter. Lemme go back and see what's different, but just skimming, I can already see that Sniep and Assassin-Lady are missing.
**EDIT**
If I can make a suggestion, go back to the original first half of the story for this chapter and save what you have written here for chapter two. From the dead bodies found last time, we can infer the new person speaking is the murderer. But, starting the first chapter out with somebody thinking about their education and line of work stalls the story, and then distance is put between the reader and the events by having the gala scene relayed to us by someone eavesdropping.
The first half from last time was perfect for making the audience immediately care about the situation. That's what I was gushing about in my last comment.
However! You should still keep Celestia teleporting herself and the Main Six at the end of chapter one, and possibly change it so that all of the partygoers (assassins included) are teleported to a 'secure area,' as the audience can't quite tell what Celestia's plans are and a whole world of possible next-steps can happen from that ending point.
(Were the murders actually just to grab Celestia's attention and it was the assassins' plan all along to be taken to the Canterlot Safe Room, as the assassin knew about Celestia's emergency escape routine, but couldn't get in for some reason.)
(Maybe the hitmen intended to end up at the train station, but they got swept up in security procedures and now they must escape guard and guest scrutiny all while appearing innocent. They'd have to hide the cash they were carrying, set up false evidence against someone else, and just in general think on their feet as their plans keep going awry.)
I just want to see shit go wrong for somebody at all times, whereas successfully completing a mission and leaving without any real interference kinda wraps up the conflict, for both the assassins and the partygoers.
7532857
You're welcome. Don't worry, I understood why you sounded disappointed or whatever. I didn't like it much myself but I was pressed for time and wanted to get something done. Now that I have more time on my hands, I'm working on to improve the prologue as well as work on the first chapter. Speaking of the first chapter, it should be done within the next hour or so.
Hopefully you'll enjoy the changes I made to the prologue.
7532880 Actually, the way you had the first half before the edit was Deeply compelling, and I kinda want that version back. The narrative from the assassin's perspective would make a compelling second chapter, but what you had the first time-- with events playing out as if the reader was another clueless partygoer suddenly thrust into a lockdown situation-- was brilliant and beautiful. Please tell me you saved a copy of that version, and that you didn't just delete it.
7533037
Sorry, I didn't save a copy.
But don't worry, most of what was originally there is still there, just tweaked a bit, so I can restore it and tweak it with your idea in that edited comment (That I literally just read).
Also, thank you so much for the feedback. I greatly appreciate it, as I wanted to make this the best story I've ever made, or at least one of my best works.
7533086 Sorry,
Damn it!
Well, it's the mark of a true artist to compulsively scrap their work and start from scratch, so you're in good company.
That's good to hear. One of the things that made the original work was how the narration wasn't foreboding before the terrified mare burst into the ballroom, it sounded like any party. Then the fear the characters had was almost entirely shown through spoken dialogue and their actions, as apposed to the narrator doing all the emotional heavy lifting.
I sincerely hope you can recapture the mood and quickness of the first one because that, with no hyperbole, was novel-level writing. Apparently, you work beautifully when you're pressed for time.
7533843
I'm glad you enjoyed it, and hopefully I'll be able to restore and maybe even improve what you loved about the original. Right now I'm in the process of redoing it in another tab.
In the meantime, check out chapter one and tell me what you think.
I sincerely thank you so much for the feedback.
Okay, for future reference, I'm going to catalogue some of the things that worked so well in the first version:
-The narration simulated how the point-of-view characters felt as they felt it. When the disheveled mare broke in, the narration quickly (for one sentence) rant the gambit of the partyer's emotions: interested (using no 'to be' verbs, picking powerful verbs), annoyed at the mare (describing the mare in judgmental terms, with the description focusing first on one or two things wrong with her outfit), and then blank and logical for the very last words of the sentence. (Once the sentence got to her face, it's plainly said "in tears." The simplistic and only-the-facts description here [as apposed to the subjective stuff earlier in the sentence about her dress and hair looking bad] simulated the partyers finally noticing that something was wrong. In the very next sentence, the narration starts using "fear" words.
I wish I could give you the actual sentences you wrote, but all I remember what impressed me.
7533909
Thank you. I'll keep an extra tab open to look over the feedback you've given me so hopefully I can restore the prologue and just generally improve everything. I greatly appreciate it.
EDIT:
I tried my best to restore to what was originally there, as well as give it a bit of an extra oomph and then some. I hope you'll enjoy the changes.