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Chapter 16,450 words
Chapter 22,585 words

Chapter 2

Twilight looked up at the imposing building in front of her. Since permanently moving to Ponyville, she’d grown used to seeing small, one- or two-story homes, maybe the occasional warehouse. She still visited Canterlot somewhat regularly, but then mostly stuck to the middle-class residential areas where the streets still had a homely feel to them. Not today though. Today, the unicorn was surrounded by the opulent and, in her opinion, decadent architecture for which Canterlot central plaza was renowned.

Her eyes slowly drifted down the alabaster front to a large sign. Is that gold? She took a moment to skim the list, looking for her destination. Almost all the way to the top of the building. Twilight rolled her eyes. Figures. She entered through the glass doors that silently slid open at her approach and, after quickly orienting herself, started up the marble stairs.

She could have simply teleported to the right floor, but not only would that have been more than a little rude, the dozen or so flights of stairs she needed to climb would hopefully give her time to calm her nerves and gather her courage.

The place was surprisingly busy; for some reason Twilight had expected to be completely alone once inside. The stairway wasn’t too wide, so she stuck to its right side and focussed on the loud, monotonous clacking of her hooves against the expensive stone. It reminded her of a clock’s oppressive ticking, and her mind wandered.

~~~

Finally, her swirling thoughts had started to calm down.

Failure. Pathetic.

What would her friends think? What would Spike think?

After having asked herself the same questions a hundred times, they seemed to have acquired the consistency of cold syrup that was slowly, lazily flowing around her consciousness.

It’s all on you. It’s your problem. You can’t tell them.

And she couldn’t. Such a simple thing, and it had broken her. She fell, and like a weak, worthless fool, couldn’t pick herself back up again.

Just walk. Get up, and walk!

But she couldn’t. There still were so many places for her to go, but she wasn’t going to see them.

What would her parents think? What would Shiny think?

She wanted that thought to make her cry, but there was nothing inside her to respond to it. Twilight knew they would miss her, but she also knew that they shouldn’t. Once again, the blade’s tip turned to point at her, but it didn’t make her heart pound anymore.

How would they react if she told them? The thought of having her self-deprecating thoughts spoken aloud by another pony, of being judged even half as strongly as she was judging herself, made her insides churn with liquid fire.

She sat there for what felt like hours, breathing heavily. Eventually, the fire extinguished, being replaced by an emptiness even deeper than before, one that reached up from her gut to envelop her heart.

Celestia. What would Celestia think? Amazing, wonderful, beautiful Celestia, to whom she’d been closer than to her own mother. Celestia, to whom she had always looked up. Celestia, who was intending to confront her today, but whom she would never see again.

Goodbye, Celestia. I’m sorry. Please forget me, because I don’t deserve to be remembered.

After the bright flash of magic faded, the room seemed even darker than before. The numbness she felt started spreading outside and into her limbs. Now it wouldn’t hurt. The knife cut deep, almost to the bone. It slid effortlessly along the inside of her foreleg, all the way from her knee joint to her fetlocks. Immediately, blood started pouring down her leg in thick rivulets and soaked the sheets, the crimson almost black in the moonlight. She watched for a moment, the edges of her vision, of her room, even, slowly growing darker. She laid the knife on the bloody sheets, the blade’s pattern catching her eye. Damascus. She smiled. What a useless thing to remember now.

~~~

Twilight glanced around the brightly lit room in mild astonishment. It didn’t fit her expectations at all. Instead of the cold stone and high ceilings the building’s interior design so far had suggested, she was greeted by the warm colors of wood, soft carpets and the smell of freshly brewed coffee. It was almost cozy. She slowly approached the receptionist’s table where a young unicorn mare with amber coat, black mane, and a rather horrible set of braces was already awaiting her.

“Twilight Sparkle, yes?”

The gentle smile was unexpectedly reassuring, and Twilight nodded.

“You’re a bit early, but the doctor will be with you soon. The waiting room is right around the corner,” the mare said and gestured over her shoulder.

Twilight took a step in the indicated direction and looked down the corridor. A handful of ponies, mostly unicorns, were standing in the hallway, quietly chatting or carrying documents from room to room. The afternoon sun was shining through a long row of windows on the left.

“Would you like a cup of tea, coffee?”

Her gaze snapped back to the receptionist. She hesitated.

“A cup of tea sounds nice, actually. Do you have chamomilla?”

The mare simply smiled.

“Take a seat in the waiting room, I’ll take care of it.”

Twilight nodded her thanks and trotted past the desk, briefly stopping at one of the windows. The sun was blinding up here, where she wasn’t enveloped in the shadows of tall buildings all around. She looked down and tried counting the ponies scuttling over the plaza like ants, but it was impossible. She smiled, and her gut clenched. Her heart started pounding in her chest. She didn’t want to be here.

It’s your problem. Hide it all.

The words still flickered through her mind every day.

Worthless. Disappointment.

But she let them pass, let them fade, until her breathing calmed again. She knew that after all had been said and done, she would be glad she had come here, and of her own volition. Confrontation - she wouldn’t hide any longer. She couldn’t. Twilight turned around and entered the empty waiting room.

~~~

Twilight stared at her trembling foreleg. For some reason, the bleeding had stopped quickly, and a horrible, burning, and wholly unexpected pain was shaking her entire body. The bloodloss made her head pound, but she was still fully lucid.

The knife suddenly lifted off the bed, enveloped in a dark glow. An icy voice cut through the pounding in her ears.

“It is not so simple when it hurts the entire way, is it?”

Twilight’s head shot up, eyes wide. The unnatural darkness in the corner of the room took shape and revealed a tall mare frowning down at her. Twilight’s mind was reeling. How was Princess Luna here, of all places? How had she known? Had she known?

Her leg throbbed terribly, and she barely suppressed a moan, or a sob, she wasn’t sure.

“I- I wasn’t- I wanted to-”

“I do not believe you need to explain your intentions, Twilight Sparkle,” the Princess sharply interrupted her stammering. Her face was slowly twisting into an ugly, furious grimace. Her gaze flicked from the gaping wound marring Twilight’s foreleg to the blood that had started dripping on the floor. “They seem quite obvious at this point.”

She just stood there. Stood there and stared at Twilight with anger, disgust, disbelief; she wasn’t sure.

It was unbearable.

Twilight finally gave into the urge to cradle the injured limb close to her body and scooted away from the alicorn, trying to get some distance between herself and those piercing, judging eyes.

“I’m sorry!” she half sobbed, half shouted.

“I was trying to tell somebody, but Spike- m-my friends- I couldn’t-”

The tears started falling, it was impossible to hold them back now that she felt so exposed, so utterly vulnerable. She fell to her side as heavy sobs started wracking her body, but didn’t try to sit back up. Her back to the Princess, Twilight curled up and made herself as small as possible, eyes firmly shut.

Her leg was on fire. She gasped, trying to breathe, to get air into her lungs. Through the agony, she heard Luna’s voice again.

“You will remember this day as your greatest failure, Twilight Sparkle, the day you gave up. But you will remember it, for you will not die today.” Hoofsteps drew closer. “Sleep now. You need to heal. You have difficult times ahead of you.”

Twilight’s vision faded to black.

~~~

Dear Princess Celestia,
I’m so sorry for not responding to any of your letters. Please believe me when I say that your kind words are much appreciated, and to be honest, sorely needed. I still find it impossibly hard to talk face to face, especially with ponies whom I know well enough to read the sadness and disappointment in their eyes every time they look at me. I’m never quite sure if it’s disappointment in themselves or in me, and I don’t know which I would find worse.
The past months felt like they’ve been the longest of my life. The first few days after my attempt seem so far away now, and if I’m honest, I can’t remember very much of what happened. It’s all a blur, but maybe that’s better. I believe what

The door opened and Twilight looked up. A steaming cup of tea floated towards her, the receptionist following shortly behind.

“There you go.”

Twilight thanked her, caught the cup in her telekinesis and took a sip of the fragrant liquid as she watched the mare leave again. The tea was good, but the taste barely registered in her mind as she skimmed the half-finished letter. What she had written wasn’t entirely true. It was somewhat of a blur, but she still remembered many things in great clarity.

~~~

The smell of disinfectant clinging to her nostrils. Hysterical voices in the hallway, and somewhere to her left, close. She felt their eyes burning through the curtain partially covering the bed she was lying on. Why wouldn't they just leave?

Rarity, muttering words of empathy and understanding, holding Fluttershy who stared through Twilight with empty eyes.

Applejack, yelling and cursing and demanding an explanation, or an apology, Twilight hadn’t been listening.

Rainbow, grinding her teeth and trying, and failing, to suppress angry tears.

Pinkie, bawling and hugging until she couldn’t take Twilight’s apathy anymore and left.

And doctors, asking her questions she couldn’t answer and didn’t want to hear.

Sleep.

Her mother, eyes full of tears and sorrow.

Her father, concern etched in his brow and fatigue carved under his eyes, consoling and reassuring and promising.

Her heart stung. Maybe she’d cried, she couldn’t remember.

Sleep.

She was right there; Twilight could see her through her door, standing in the hallway. Celestia wore a deep frown as she quietly talked to her sister. The unicorn could only see the back of Princess Luna’s head, but her mentor was facing towards her.

Their eyes met and Twilight’s heart stopped.

The gentle sound of Princess Celestia’s voice used to be the thing she craved to hear the most. Now, it made her curl up and beg. Beg to be left alone.

She did cry this time, she could remember.

~~~

surprised me the most is that everyone was still there. Everyone stuck by my side, everyone tried to help in their own way, even if I’m not sure I really got them to understand why I did what I did. It’s funny, I sometimes have trouble understanding it myself now, but that might just be hindsight. Staying with mom and dad must have done me some good, even if it made me feel like a little filly again. But just having someone around who cares, while knowing things are out in the open, while not having to hide or pretend anymore - I don’t know how many times I cried from relief.
It’s hard to explain, but I feel like I can think clearly again for the first time in ages, like I’m not just a bystander anymore while things are falling apart around me. I can get up in the morning, think about what I want to do with my day, and then just sit down and do it - in a way, it’s almost exhausting.
Even so, I still get anxious and depressed often, mostly when I have too much time to think and let my mind wander. But it doesn’t overwhelm me anymore. I always know it’ll pass. And I somehow don’t think that is going to change, that these thoughts will ever truly go away. They’re a part of me now, but I feel like I understand them, and can keep them in check. Is that the way it’s supposed to be? Or does a normal, healthy mind not have these kinds of negative thoughts?
I’m not sure, but I believe I’ll find out very soon. I’ve taken your advice; I finally feel ready. I’m there right now, actually. I’ve thought about postponing this letter and adding to it what I will learn today, but I’d much rather tell you about it in person.
I’ve missed you, Princess, despite everything I’ve said. I’d be delighted to meet you at your earliest convenience; right now, my own schedule isn’t exactly packed, as you might imagine.

Yours truly,
eagerly awaiting your reply,
Twilight Sparkle

Twilight read over her letter one more time and smiled, satisfied with how it had turned out. She’d have Spike send it later when she returned to her parents’ house. Spike… She’d make a detour and stop by the Gems’ shop. Would the old couple even be in business still? Would they remember her? At least on the latter she was sure.

“Twilight Sparkle, room eight please. Twilight Sparkle, room eight.”

The unicorn startled as the tinny voice suddenly announced her name and she hastily put away the letter, got up, and left the waiting room. As she watched the numbers on her right counting up, Twilight wondered if she should take Spike with her to make an appointment the next time. The young drake was smart, and naturally had figured out what had happened, even if everyone had seemed to try their best to keep him in the dark. She sure as Tartarus hadn’t been able to look him in the eye and say it.

Room eight. Her throat was suddenly dry. Panic tried to rise in her chest. One knock, and the door flew open. Twilight watched as the stallion stood up from his desk to approach her. He was alabaster like Shiny, and even his mane had a similar tone. This is going to be hard.

“Good afternoon, Miss Sparkle. I’m Doctor Ink Blot. Please, come in, have a seat.”

He stepped aside and Twilight entered the small office. While the doctor walked around his desk again, she tried to get comfortable on the offered cushion that was sitting on the floor.

“So.”

With all her might, Twilight stopped her fidgeting and looked into the stallion’s eyes.

“I believe you have some things on your mind that you would like to talk about.”

Her heart was racing. Worthless. You can’t change it. She almost believed it. But she had to try, and his disarming smile gave her hope.

“Yes.” Twilight swallowed.

“Yes, I do.”

Twilight had a, well, a problem. She had once given up and tried to take her own life, and now she was going to get it back.

END

Author's Note:

There's a blogpost.

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