Would it Matter if I was Human?

by Magenta Gleam

Only Chapter

As the light outside my confectionery store began to tip below the horizon I finished packing up the displays and started to brush the floors. The broom in my mouth sweeping away the dust and dirt accumulated by customers over the course of the day. With my clean up duties for the day complete I locked up the store and climbed the stairs by the counter that lead up to my small apartment. When I reached the top I heard a knock at the door. Grumbling to myself that I would have to go down and find out who was there I walked back down the staircase.

On the other side of the door was my marefriend, a mint green unicorn with a light cyan and white mane named Lyra. Still muttering to myself I unlocked the door and gave her a slightly annoyed smile.

“Lyra, what are you doing here? I thought you were studying with Twilight tonight.” I asked.

“Ohh Bon Bon I was going to do that but then Twilight came in talking out loud about this portal that has been around in Canterlot for like forever and that maybe there were inhabitants from another world that had already come through and they would look like us, but they weren’t!” Lyra said with a rush as she walked into the store past me. “I just got so excited when she told me that the beings on the other side were humans! Can you believe that!? I’ve been talking about them and looking for information on them for years. All those experts always telling me that they were a fantasy and I should stop listening to fairy tales. But look who is right now!”

“Well Lyra, it’s great that you are so excited but-” I started to say but was cut off suddenly by my still ranting marefriend.

“Don’t you see Bon Bon? I was right all along and there could be humans living alongside us right now. I could be human or you could be, anypony we know could potentially be a human in disguise!” She looked at me with a hungry look in her eyes before continuing. “We wouldn’t even know if they are unless they told us because the portal turns you into a pony when you come through it!”

“Aren’t you taking this a little too seriously Lyra? We can’t really be sure that all those tales that Twilight and her friends tell us are even true.” I say sceptically, remembering some of the fantastical tales Rainbow Dash tells when she comes into the store.

“That’s not the important thing Bon Bon! Even if it isn’t true just think of the possibilities!” The excitable unicorn shrugged off my scepticism before suddenly becoming nervous and rubbing her forehooves together. “Umm Bon Bon, I want to ask you something.”

“What is it Lyra?” I asked with sudden concern at the rapid emotional shift.

“Well it’s just something that this new information has me thinking about.”

“You can say it sweetie, you know you can talk to me about anything.” I assured her.

“WoulditmatterifIwashuman?” She blurted out too fast to comprehend.

“Huh? What did you say? Please slow down.”

“Wou-Would i-it matter I-If I was human?” She stuttered out, nervousness making asking the question difficult to voice.

“Lyra we have been together for years, I’m sure I would know if you weren’t a pony.” I said with a slightly shocked look on my face.

“Yeah but if the portal has been there for so long, much longer than we have known each other. I could have come here as a human and picked up how to act like a pony long before you moved here and we met.”

“Please Lyra, stop talking like this. You’re worrying me.” Lyra started to cry as I said this.

“So-So if I was a human you wouldn’t feel the same way about me?”

“Ohh Lyra, I would still love you even if you were a Diamond Dog.” I assured her and held her close.

As she cried into my coat I lead her up the stairs and into my small lounge. We separated for a moment to climb up onto the couch where she quickly latched back onto me still crying her eyes out.

Why would she be asking this? She even argued why it would be possible. When she first started to tell me the story she acted like she had never heard of this pony transforming portal. If that were true she would have no reason to cry. Wait, no, she has told me about her life before we met. Long conversations into the night about her family, her loving parents and her little brother. Where did she say they lived? Manehatten? Fillydelphia? I can’t remember and they never come to visit. Come to think of it she hasn’t even told me what they look like.

“Lyra, I need you to tell me something.” I said suddenly, interrupting my crying ‘marefriend.’

“Y-yes Bon Bon? I-I’ll te-tell you anything.” She answered hesitantly, not moving her head away from my neck.

“Where were you born Lyra?” I asked.

“On the outskirts of Man-Manehatten, why do you ask Bon Bon?” She questioned back, the tears slowing as she forced the words out.

“And your family, what are their names?”

“My mother's name is Crystal Gaze and my father is Clear Song.” She answered getting more nervous and her limbs twitching as the continued to hold onto me.

“If have to ask, are you actually a human?” I finally ask, not wanting to hold the question off any more.

“Hahahahahahaha” She laughed heavily, the tears gone and nervous completely removed from her demeanour. “That’s what you thought? Wow Bon Bon, I can’t believe that’s what you were thinking. Honestly with how long you’ve known me have you ever known me to be able to keep a secret? If I was a human I bet everypony in town would have known within a week!”

She’s right, even when she buys me a present she can’t even keep it in for a single day before she tells me about it and ruins the surprise. I’m probably just tired from the long day to even think that was what she was meaning.

Bringing her head back up Lyra smiled and kissed me deeply before getting down from the couch.

“Sorry about the weird questions Bon Bon but you know how I can get when I get something stuck in my head. If I didn’t come to you with them then I might start blurting out everything to complete strangers. You remember the last time that happened.” She said with a smile on her face while we descended the stairs, then passing through the doorway before calling out to me. “Besides I have to keep your on your toes somehow.”

The door closed in my face as her last words passed through my brain.

What!?

Comments

[QueenMoriarty]

*deep sigh*

Here we go again...

[QueenMoriarty]

This is not a parody.

Every single sentence is either a sentence fragment or just feels so mechanical and detached that it feels like you didn't care when writing it. I would say you were mindlessly trying to churn this out before the original lost all relevance, but even a cursory glance at the date of publication proves that wrong, begging the question of why you would bother writing this.

The characters never sound excited, or scared, or confused, or like they're doing anything other than just repeating the script they've been given verbatim. Half of Lyra's sentences either don't have the exclamation marks they clearly were designed for or are far too long for someone so frenzied and excited.

There's also no reason, in-universe, for Lyra to ask the titular question. She's blatantly only just now heard of the mirror, and even if she's just using that as a convenient excuse to bring up the question, there's a hundred more natural ways to ask that question. Considering this is a story where her human obsession is known by Bon Bon, it would make more sense for her to just randomly spout that question at random one day. As it is, the way the question is introduced robs the story of any ambiguity, which is one of the very few good points of the original story.

Also, toes are not a human-exclusive organ. It would be a perfectly natural turn of phrase in Equestria.

Final verdict: No.

[Shocks]

7434981 Ah. Nothing like the fresh scent of a roast to wake you up in the morning.

[Southern Wing]

This was pretty funny. I like the theory that lyra is obsessed with humans.

[Cherryblossomcandy]

*sigh* I honestly enjoyed this and kingMoriarty did you know you could give constructive critisism without being a jerk . Is everything you write perfect?

[PiMan]

7434981

Also, toes are not a human-exclusive organ. It would be a perfectly natural turn of phrase in Equestria.

Toes as we know them aren't human exclusive but they aren't found on ponies, and since the language of the ponies is pony-centric, I doubt they would have picked up an idiom like that from a toed neighbour without ponifying it.

[footto]

7435098 griffins might have used the word. the variations of griffic terms are not known for mlp as not many griffin are there talking.
aaaand discord.... i think he has said toes at some point,,, mostly he says claw, but expecting him to not say something is as likely to happed as pinkie pie not throwing a party if ponyville was declared 'party town' by celestia...

[Magenta Gleam]

7435261 Even if it is known nomenclature the likelihood of a pony using it when talking to another pony is relatively low and is likely to cause the shock and further confusion it's intended for.

[PegasusMesa]

7435039

Everything he writes is actually pretty close to perfect.

[HHHGREGG]

7435261 i think we're looking too deep into this.

[1234]

7435039
Constructive criticism is constructive no matter how you spin it. Just because you don't like how it sounds doesn't mean it doesn't ring true.

I thought KingMoriarty made very good points, and even complimented the author on what little they did right. Well done on the review.
7434981

Also, to add, random does not equal funny. Forced content is bad.

[1234]

7435317

[footto]

7435616 looking too deep? if you dont look deeper than the last to, you never find anything new. seeing as i love to find new things, i can neverlook to deep lmao

[QueenMoriarty]

7435317 I think you exaggerate.