My sister left the fridge open again, so I now have to go down to the store to buy new milk and shit. I get there just fine and start filling my shopping basket when a guy with a gun enters and starts demanding money...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I have barely started and I already love it.
7398743 You too?
This is great!
I have gotten through the first chapter, and already, you've lost me.
To be completely fair, half of this is just me. I have a huge stick up my ass about what's good and what's bad, and my criteria for judging that is reliant on a difficult-to-describe gut feeling of "Am I immersed in this world?"
From what I've seen, you make a whole lot of decisions that inevitably turn me towards answering "no" to that question.
First off, punctuation around quotation marks. Most of the grammar in the rest of the chapter was passable save for a slew of run-on sentences, but I've seen waaaay too many writers who do not know how to use commas and periods around quotes. If you're using something along the lines of "I say" right after the quote, use a comma. Otherwise, use a period.
Next, what's the point of the first scene? What's stopping you from starting the story with "Wow, I just got shot"? If anything, it'd probably be a much more interesting start to a story than this weak attempt at introducing a few insignificant characters.
So, he gets a few lines with some family members and then he is shuttled directly to the next place with a single paragraph. He goes from talking to Mel to getting shot only six sentences later without a scene break. If you think about the chapter itself, he has spoken with his family, goes to the store, gets shot, makes a pact with a demon, and then meets Dark Desire in the span of only two thousand words. It's a dizzying pace, and it ends up feeling like a whole bunch of plot points linked together with silly string rather than a cohesive story. The world doesn't feel organic, and the way you describe your events just emphasizes how railroaded this fic feels. Even your style of writing feels like you're just trying to get down the "what" of your story, leaving little consideration for how you present it. This paragraph here:
There's little cadence to this. The flow is weak, and the fact that the magic miraculously gives him clothing to look like a generic badass is stretching the limits of my belief. While I won't get rid of the ridiculously convenient clothing, I would rather word that paragraph as something like this:
I have basically just restated what you have said with different words and added a few descriptors, but I would like to think that it just sounds better to read aloud than the version you have.
Of course, I could also just be a silly person trying to make fics conform to my own style of writing. I haven't been writing long, and I only have one measly incomplete story out, so you can decide whether I'm full of shit or not. Stick with your own style if you want, but those are some of the reasons I will not be reading the rest of this fic.
do succuponies have high libidos, 'cause i'm pretty sure they do, and is it a bad thing if I want some that action
I, for the most part, agree with 7401997, though I'm far more lenient with grammar. The pacing is way, way too fast, and there's nothing to draw the reader in. To add to what he said, though, it would help if you spent a little time setting the scene. Instead if him just waking up to a succubus already waiting for him as if she were told beforehand he would be there, have him walk around, taking in the sights.
All we know about your version of Tartarus is it's an ashen wasteland, but what kind? Is it ashen hills, mountains, plains, are there any other features like large rocks or lakes of magma?
Also, so far the protagonist is just so generic with no personality and a bland, tired, cliche wardrobe.
Remember, the first chapter is the most important. It's what hooks the reader and makes them want to read on. If you rush it, even if it's to 'get to the good stuff', people won't care to continue.
Find a couple prereaders. However, don't, and I repeat, DON'T , just get someone that talks about how great the story is. That kind of person won't help you. Find someone who will tell you exactly what's wrong with your story and won't sugar coat it.
I know hearing criticism isn't fun, believe me, but it's your best tool for improving your writing (or anything else, really). Criticism shows you exactly what you need to work on and improve. After all, you can't fix what you don't know is broken.
I'm sorry, but I won't be reading further at this time. If you find a couple prereaders and editors and fix this first chapter, drop me a PM and I'll give it another try. Until then, good luck, and I hope to see you improve.
I like it
7403605
I'm fairly sure Succubi kill the person after having sex with them.
not two minutes in hell and hes all ready got a girl chasing him
wish i had that power
Everything 7401997 and 7435803 is good advice and I recommend paying close attention.
To add on to it, I'd like to draw attention to this paragraph:
There are two things that throw me off on this. First is that this is an infodump. Very few readers will retain more than this is a red anthro pony with horns. Some may remember the wings. All the rest is wasted information and overwhelmes the reader, making them gloss over things that you may feel are important. I suggest slimming down these dumps to between two and four points. If you have more that you want shared, work the information in through the perceptions of the narrator.
The second one is what really annoys me. "I can only describe". That is you describing yourself describing something. It comes off as you trying to sound clever, or trying to sound confused. But mostly trying. And when it sounds like you are trying, it degrades what you are actually trying to get across.
And she's a suck-u-pony? I know this fandom revolves around pony puns, but this is just painful.
In the words of a Wise man
"Pics or it didn't happen"
You really couldn't make it TWO words with out screwing up? XD
Not even 5 minutes in hell and he runs into a succubus! I like it already!!
I think twenty dollars is bit less than he needs.
fuck u dude
8751035
You talking to me or the clerk?
8751623
I think he's talking about the robber
Ezpiza bien, aver cómo sigue.
Oh the irony
Hooves for feet doesn't make sense, and I assume you were referring to her hair at one point.
That aside, I do like the way this story started.
oh
hhehehehhehehehehehehehhehehehehheee
I love this story already
8751623
Both
Man I forgot about this story and it's got more chapters. Sweet I can't wait to dive nose deep in this story.
Bwhahahahah! That's funny! Because you just made it worse dumbass!!! Never run dude! Never run!😂🤣🤣
What a day huh?
10456369
Girls are scary, dude
A chapter in and he's already died, been in limbo, made a deal with a demon lord, and is now on the run from a succubus....... please, continue, I am loving this hahaha
Sounds like me mom
So the void then
Or the howling