The Ideal
"I apologize," said the blue earth-pony, "if the limits of my mortal mind led me to perform beneath your otherwise exemplary predictions, oh divine beauty."
"If you wish to punish any of us," said the white pegasus, "we will gladly accept whatever form of correction you deem most proper."
"I wish I could talk as fancy as they do," said the red unicorn, "but since I can't... you're just so perfect, and I'm not - we're not - and I wanna do anything I can for you, an' everything, an', an'..."
I cleared my throat - and all three of them froze in place, in positions of perfect attention. The way they were acting - well, it obviously wasn't natural. I wasn't exactly sure what the alicorn had dropped in my lap, so I'd start out by trying to collect a bit of information. Starting with the basics: "What are your names?"
The blue one expounded, "Whatever thou wishest to call us, that shall be what we shall be known as."
The white one added, "We can brand your symbol upon our flanks, to show all that we are yours."
The red one contributed, "I'm, or I was Brick, and they were Navy and Blanche. Or are. Or however it works now."
"Let's just skip over the whole idea of body-modification for now - where are you from?"
Navy, "Gallopoli was our home ere the dawning of our understanding of thy glorious nature."
From the maps I'd looked at, that was an Equestrian city near the southern border, close to where the Great Southern Rainforest merged into the Black Marsh.
"What," I asked, "led you to leave there?"
Blanche explained, "We were collecting data for my Master's of Magic thesis that certain configurations of ley-lines could cause a form of natural spell, like a unicorn's but on a much grander scale. We found a place where the magic swirled in a pattern around a pond, and were taking readings all around and over it."
Brick, "And, I, well, fell in. And I'm not much of a swimmer, so I started drowning, so they both came in to try and help me, and they fell in, too."
Navy, "After which point I am sorry that I cannot tell you that which you undoubtedly already know, for the next moment I was conscious of anything, it was beholding thy gracious beauty and bountiful form."
It sounded to me like they'd found some sort of pond full of some sort of love potion... and if the alicorn had been telling the truth, she'd rescued them to keep them from making the water undrinkable, and was now dumping them on me instead of having let them fixate on her.
"And," I cautiously probed, "the first word you said upon awakening... what led to that?"
Blanche blinked, "It's nothing but the obvious truth - you're so much more than we are, or can ever hope to be..."
I decided to give a try at a first nudge towards reducing their... religious fervor. "Other ponies don't share that opinion; in fact, given the evidence they have available to them, they might think you were, well..."
Brick piped up, "You mean, made bonkers by getting dunked in a whole lotta love potion?"
I blinked. "Wait, you know that's what happened?"
Navy, "Of course - at least, that is the sequence of events available on the mere crude, physical plane, which can be seen by the unenlightened. On a more abstract plane, such linear chains of cause-and-effect are merely the echoes allowing for the recognition of the sublime truth of your perfection, in much the same way that our entire previous existences only exist to allow us to have pasts leading up to the now."
"Ah." I tried, "And on the 'mere physical plane' - would there be a mere, physical way in which the effects of the love potion could be reversed?"
Blanche smiled. "Even if any of us wanted anything of the sort - it is highly unlikely. We did not merely take a sip of it - we were immersed in it, we inhaled it, it suffused our every part and piece. I know of no magic which would un-do our understanding of your true perfection."
That was... pretty much the opposite of what I wanted to hear. It sounded like the three of them had imprinted on me like little birds - only moreso, making me less their mother and more their Madonna. Maybe Celestia knew some trick to fix this sort of thing - but I didn't. And it would take a little while before we could get to Equestria, let alone Canterlot, meaning that we were likely stuck with these three being this way for some days... which had certain rather practical implications.
"I see." I shifted my hooves a bit. "I am not going to say I am actually any form of divine being; I will say that if I were one, it would shortly become obvious to you through my behavior that I am trying to travel incognito as just another mortal. With all the flaws and faults that are inherent to mortality, from a lack of understanding to an incipient crack that's been developing on my left hind hoof. So if I'm not able to convince you to change your hearts, I'm going to at least ask - not demand, not order, just ask - that you try to restrain your own behavior, in public, to what would be compatible with me being just another mortal."
Brick said, "I don't know if I can, but if'n that's what you want, I'll give it my best try."
Navy pronounced, "Thy merest whim is taken to our hearts to be the most stringent commandment."
Blanche brightly inquired, "Can I play the role of your mortal fillyfriend?"
I coughed lightly. "I - already have a mare who is in 'the role' of my Very Special Somepony."
Blanche smiled. "Of course you do - but surely your love is more than bounteous enough to overflow from merely a single other vessel, and is entirely capable of being the foundation for an entire herd..."
I glared at her, and her smile vanished. "Not without talking to Cheerilee about it, first." As I saw her start groveling, pressing her face into the floor, I relented - I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to find the right way to deal with these unfortunate ponies, but sending them into paroxysms of mortification (Navy's sesquipedalian loquaciousness seemed to be rubbing off on me) probably wasn't it. "In the meantime - I have a course to set. Some parts of the airship are off-limits, for security and for your own safety, and are clearly marked, and you should keep out of the way of the crew while they're working, but otherwise, you're free to move around, within reason."
"So what's the verdict?" Red asked.
I stared over the railing, down at the endless sea of trees passing beneath us. "Massive love-potion overdose - and I'm the first one they saw."
"Huh. What're you going to do about it?"
"Nothing I can do - I'm hoping Princess Celestia knows how to fix it."
"Going to take advantage in the meantime?"
"As little as I possibly can, without breaking them. For now, I'm going to double-check that the workshop's properly secured even though it's locked - I shouldn't have to remind you that our passengers are uncleared for anything sensitive, let alone CAT WHISKER - and then I'll dig out those supplies from the Ponyville spa, and see if they've got any good hoof treatments."
Ever have a hangnail? Imagine that your nail was the size of a hockey-puck, and you had to keep on walking on it anyway. I'm exaggerating, but not by much; as a cow rather than a horse, my hooves were two-toed, rather than one-toed - but that did mean there was more than twice as much chance for something to go wrong. Like a stone caught between the toes which had put pressure on the hooves for a while, which, even after the stone had been pried out, meant that there was just enough difference to potentially lead to further problems; in my case, resulting in a diagonal crack rising up from the bottom of my hoof toward the back of it. I hadn't been taking proper care of it while I'd been monomaniaing in the workshop, so there was a real risk that I'd manage to get a good chunk of it breaking off. It was my bad leg, too, the one that had been broken when I fell from a roof and then had been bitten by the bulette and gotten infected when my magic drained.
I'd made Aloe and Lotus's day a few weeks ago by buying a travel-case of close to one of everything they offered. I pulled that case out onto the deck, where the best light was, even with the spattering of rain; set up a deck-chair and parasol; and had started looking through the inventory for anything to keep my left hind-hoof's outer toenail from getting any worse.
"May I?" Blanche cautiously trotted toward me. I waved vaguely at the lower part of the chair, which I wasn't using at the moment. She sat down next to me, and shivered a moment. "I... I know you are doing things for your own reasons which I'm too far beneath you to understand, and that we're in public here, so I just want to say - thank you for taking us with you, and for... helping us, in whatever ways you decide to." She lifted one hoof, starting to reach for my left hindleg, which I had stretched out in front of me. "May I?", she repeated. Cautiously, I nodded, and she touched my leg, the part under the hock that structurally corresponded with a human foot - and she shuddered again. This was rapidly getting awkward, so I was about to cut the whole thing off, when she looked at the various jars and asked, "Are you looking for hoof oil?"
"I'm looking for hoof... anything," I admitted. "I was shown all of these once, but it was a while ago."
She dipped a hoof into the case, immediately pulling out a vial with a picture of a hoof on it. "May I... apply it for you?"
"That's not necessary," I tried to demur.
"I know - but I want to. Please, my... ma'am. You can just lean back and close your eyes, and let me take care of this for you."
I sighed a little - I wasn't really comfortable with this at all, but it didn't seem to be all that harmful, and maybe it would help get it out of her system. Or maybe that was all a rationalization. The upshot was - I honestly wasn't sure what the best answer would be. So I made my best guess at how confident I was that one answer was the best, rolled some mental dice... and said, "As you like, then."
I leaned back, put my hooves behind my head and closed my eyes. I heard her open the jar, and felt her start rubbing her hooves on mine. A few moments later, Micro's voice said, "Having fun, are we?"
I opened my eyes to look at her and say it was all a bit of harmless hoof care, saw Blanche, and blurted "Gyuh." She froze in place, lips locked around my hoof.
A little later, as I was nursing the pups, Amethyst was fiddling with the ice-box. "Bottle. Missing," she stated. I started to get an unhappy feeling, which was confirmed when she added, "Smell. Blue. Pony."
When the pups' bellies were round and they dropped off to sleep, I went hunting for Navy - and eventually found her, asleep, curled up around the empty bottle and muttering something like 'drink of her' or 'drunk on her'. With a sigh, I collected the bottle, then went to help Amethyst move the pups' supplies to a locked room.
"... the whole point," I was trying to explain to Brick, "isn't that just because I know more than past thinkers, that I'm the best that is, was, and ever can be. It's that, if I'm very, very lucky, I'm going to become a past-thinker who future thinkers will be able to surpass themselves. The people I honor most, I try to honor by taking their work and doing better with it than they were able to - and to try to become a milestone in the road of progress like them, another person others honor by doing better than I ever could. If you insist on following me, then this is a teaching I consider to be of utmost importance: that you shouldn't just try to emulate me in every way possible, you should try to outdo me."
At her blank look, I sighed. "Someone once wrote a short poem on this... let me see if I can remember it...
"I am your hero!
I am your master!
Learn my arts,
Seek my way.
Learn as I learned,
Seek as I sought.
Envy me!
Aim at me!
Rival me!
Transcend me!
Look back,
Smile,
And then—
Eyes front!
I was never your city,
Just a stretch of your road."
She still looked rather dubious about the whole concept - I was 'perfect' in her eyes, and 'better than perfect' didn't seem to be an idea that came naturally to her - but was willing to try.
I woke. I opened my eyes. In the dim light of the moon, I glared down at Navy, whose muzzle was pressed against my udder. I declared "No," with absolute and utter finality.
A commotion rose from on deck, and I quickly locked down the workshop, and hurried to see what was going on. It turned out to be Blanche and Red glaring at each other and shouting, both of them with wings raised high. "Step back, both of you," I stated, taking on the role of 'boss'. Blanche did immediately, and after a second, Red did the same. "Red, the short version."
"She said I was so lucky for you I should work for free - and used a bunch of colorful words for that - and said that if I didn't, she'd take over. She's not going to, is she?"
"Don't worry - your job requires a security clearance she doesn't have." I turned my attention to Blanche, who basked in the glow of my gaze as it settled on her. "Would you care to add anything?"
"She left out the part where I offered to do all the things for you she never could."
"I see. Perhaps I didn't make it sufficiently clear before; but this vessel is flying under the flag of Equestria, and as such, Equestrian laws and customs remain in effect aboard it, regardless of where we are. As the highest ranked official aboard, if need be, I will have you clapped in irons - or thrown over the side." I only considered the latter an option because she was a pegasus.
"What about flogging?"
"Pardon?"
"If I do something bad, but not too bad, would you... whip me?"
"... No. No, I will not." She pouted.
Brick whispered, "Ma'am? I thought you should know... Navy's been asking if I know any transformation spells. She wanted to know if I could turn her into a filly. Or into a diamond dog. Or into a male. Or all of them at once."
"... Can you?"
"No, ma'am. I'm best at dowsing, and other earth-type magics. But I thought you'd probably want to know she's looking for... well, I think she wants to be one of those pups you nurse."
"... Thank you for letting me know."
"Ma'am?"
"Yes?"
"We're all terrible disappointments to you, aren't we?"
I gazed at her, then shook my head. "No. No, you aren't."
Navy had asked if she could do some painting, and since that seemed a much healthier outlet than anything she'd done so far, I'd helped her look through the ship's stores for something approaching a surface to paint on, and suitable pigments. She'd happily ensconced herself in a spare room, not letting anyone see what she was doing... until she finally unveiled her creation for me, and waited for my reaction.
It was of me... at least technically. And in a technical sense, it was extremely well executed. The wings and halo could be taken as artistic license. The four nursing pups were accurate enough, though my rounded, obviously pregnant belly was taking the 'mother goddess' theme a bit far. But the way she'd inserted herself turned the whole thing, well, pornographic.
What would you have said?
After I caught Blanche trying to pick the lock to the workshop - fortunately, I'd (re-)invented a better lock - I decided that enough was enough, and brought all three back into the room they'd woken up in.
"I possess," I declared, "certain information that all three of you lack. Because I know these things, I have decided that my best course of action at this moment is to act as if I were an entirely ordinary mortal cow. Therefore, I must treat you the way such a mortal cow in my position would treat you, given the behavior you have exhibited. Given the pool you fell into, this also means that I must treat you as if you are not entirely in control of your own actions. While this means that no criminal charges will be filed, I must treat you as if you were potentially a danger to others, and to yourselves. Given the relatively limited resources available aboard an airship, I have relatively few options available to me - and so I am asking for your help in maintaining the appearance of your 'punishment', at least until I bring you to the Princesses. After that point - further options become available.
"Navy, the pups have an importance you are unaware of," and I was unaware of, too, but no need to belabor the details, "and need all my milk at this moment, but after the Princesses see you... there are possibilities. I do know that Princess Celestia knows a spell to change a pony's gender, so if you still desire to be male then, then that may be an option.
"Blanche - there simply isn't the right equipment aboard the Alicorn to put together a decent set of disciplinary instruments, which would allow you to be tied, whipped, flogged, tickled, pinched, pierced, and otherwise dominated not only once, but safely enough to continue such for years. Princess Celestia has an entire room dedicated to torture equipment," aka exercise machines, "which may become available for use after the Princesses see you."
"Brick," who was actually behaving fairly sanely, all things considered, "I have a reference library containing texts I think you will want to read - and, after visiting the Princesses, if you still want to learn all I have to teach, then I should have sufficient time to help you assemble an entire text based on my thoughts on metaphysics, ethics, politics, rationality, and such matters.
"In sum - my current main goal involving all three of you is to get you to the Princesses. If something happens and my plans go awry, leaving you to your own devices - you are to try to reach the Princesses on your own power.
"In the meantime - unless you wish to suggest something else, something which an ordinary mortal cow would be willing to consider, I expect to confine you to this room. Yes, Blanche, you may wear hoofcuffs. Any other questions?"
That night, I dreamed that Princess Luna told me, "You're lucky - their devotion is magically induced and might be magically curable. And there's just three of them. And you aren't actually a goddess with the power to control celestial bodies and possibly kill every living thing on the planet if you got mad enough. And you haven't had to deal with such ponies for thousands of years."
"So," I answered, "you troll ponies to try and make them think of you as less than divine?"
"Partly. Also to help stay sane. Getting all the Royal Guards into a conga line is a lot more socially acceptable than trying to create night everlasting, and relieves almost as much stress."
"I don't suppose I can get you to have Celestia meet us in Stalliongrad, to bring this whole thing to a finish that much sooner?"
Her grin became impossibly wide. "You should be glad I don't send you into Navy's dream, to play the role she has you in there."
"... Is this where I say 'thank goodness for small favors'?"
"Shall we go watch, at least?"
"If I say 'no thank you', would that in any way influence your actions?"
"Mmmmmaybe."
"Tell you what - if you can stand what I suspect Blanche is dreaming about, then we'll see about Navy's dreams."
"Spoilsport."
"If you'd prefer, we could go to Brick's dream, and I can try delivering a lecture on the ethics of spying on a pony's dreams when lives aren't at stake, with sub-lectures on how to tell whether or not a pony is competent to make a decision about whether or not to grant permission, and what the appropriate compensation might be if an unethical choice in such matters is made..."
"Oh look, I think it's time for me to lower the moon..."
"Wait, I haven't even started to mention about how to decide when to bring the breach of privacy of an ordinary pony by a head-of-state to public awareness, or the necessary prerequisites for mathematically determining the optimal-"
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Oookaaay, THAT went in a totally different direction that what I was expecting. A horrifying, disturbing direction.
(I am too disensitised by the internet to even find this chapter odd.)
WTF IS THIS SHIT... WHEN THE HELL DID THIS COME OUT... WAH... WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
824800 True dat... true dat...
dl.dropbox.com/u/12875849/reactions/1331653801309.png
A Mare after my own heart.
That. Was. Perfection!!!!
Well... they are certainly devoted if nothing else
997018
Ah, good, that's precisely the reaction I was aiming for.
997063
Hm... well, I have to admit that these days, I also have to actually work pretty hard to find something that's not just a mild variation of something I've seen before.
997205
Er?
997892
I'm assuming that if Missy weren't, Terra would have been much less likely to hand the trio over to her.
They way they: The way they
Facepalm. Well that was funny. And Brick is strangely sane about all this. Reminds me of Missy using clever mental hoops to prevent herself from falling under the Want It spell. Is there a connection?
999558
No direct connection, but at least an indirect one. I wanted each of the three to try to fulfill their religious love in a different way: the artistic earth-pony wants to become one with the object of her desire; the academic pegasus to be the focus of her goddess's attention; and the earthy unicorn to do what the perfect being wants her to do. Given the sort of commands Missy tends to give, that simply leads to the latter form of devotion to end up coming reasonably close to sane, rational behavior - at least in the short term. (With the caveat that if Missy changed her mind and told Brick to become her love-slave, she'd do that just as enthusiastically.)
> "Partly. Also to help stay sane. Getting all the Royal Guards into a conga line is a lot more socially acceptable than trying to create night everlasting, and relieves almost as much stress."
Made me literally laugh out loud for some reason, well done.
Interesting to hear Luna's perspective.
I feel a strange urge to find Princess Celestia and laugh like this due to this chapter.
The fuck Navy!