Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Putting Right What Was Once Put Wrong

"Blanche."

"Milady."

"You might be happy to hear that I've been spending a lot of the last couple of days thinking about you." She shivered, which I took as agreement. "I've been thinking about a few other things, too - and I'd like to hear your opinion on something. I'm not saying that I'll do as you advise - but I'd at least like to know how you come to your thinking."

"Of course, milady!"

"It's about John, Paul, George, and Ringo," referring to the four diamond-dog pups who still nursed from me daily. "They were entrusted to my care - and I accepted that responsibility. The legal term is 'in loco parentis', acting in place of the parents. The fact that their birth mother is here... is irrelevant - she's the one who entrusted them to me, and I haven't surrendered that authority to her. So - I've tried to do what I see is in their best interests."

Blanche nodded, listening with eyes wide. "We're about to visit the Great Battlefield - one of the most dangerous sites in all Equiis, according to the books. And depending on what we find there - we might be taking the Mikoyan even further afield, into more dangers. The pups like me - not like the way you like me, but they get restless and cranky when I'm away from them very long. So what I'm trying to figure out is, should I let them stay with me and be happy, doing what they seem to want? Or do I do what I feel is in their long-term best interests, and send them off with Amethyst?"

Blanche raised an eyebrow. "This isn't really about the pups, is it?"

"Sure it is."

"Do you want me to zap you with your own truth magic, goddess?"

"Okay - it's at least partly about them."

"There's a big difference between me and some puppies - I'm an adult."

"That's true - but not necessarily relevant. The question is, are you a competent adult?"

"Of course I am! Look at me, I'm helping you fight against your enemies - how could I do that if I were incompetent?"

I winced. "That's... not the sort of 'competence' I meant. Are you able to act in your own long-term best interests?"

"As long as those interests are you, yep."

I winced again. "And there's the sticking point. Normally, I'd agree that it's the right of every pony to die for whatever, or whoever, they decide to. But it's at least arguable that that choice was taken from you."

She looked away from me, out and over the railing. "So you finally made up your mind to do it."

"Er - what? No - I'm still weighing the options; that's why I wanted to see how you felt about this sort of decision."

She turned back to me - smiling, but tears were running down her cheeks. "If I ask you for that one night with you before you do it, will you at least give me that?" I was caught flat-hooved, and could only stutter. She gave a single chuckle. "No, I see it - you're thinking of me as your daughter, and that just wouldn't... work."

I did the only thing I could think of - walked right up to her, and gave her the biggest hug I could. We rocked back and forth a bit, watching the sun setting ahead of us.

"When will you do it?"

"Dawn. Time of new beginnings - and I've got to take some hours setting everything up. But... there's no rush to get started."

We stayed there for quite some time, watching the stars come out.

---

"Are the ropes really necessary?"

"Given what happened last time anyone tried anything like this? Definitely. I hope your back's not bothering you."

"No worse than otherwise."

Blanche was hog-tied in the middle of a ritual circle I'd laid out in the middle of the Mikoyan's cargo bay. I was using at least a few parts of the ritual that had been sent with the false letter from Princess Luna - the parts where I couldn't figure out how they could hurt, and just might help. For example, the circle was a fairly standard one for powerful unicorn magics, used to create some small, artificial ley lines curving in a pattern that was, according to theory, supposed to help and support the caster. But most of what I was about to do was my own arrangements. I'd gotten Star Chaser to charge up just about every gem we had, and I planned to use as many as I could. I had those Ursa Major bone fragments nearby, in case I had to suddenly improvise with them; but given the wild and unpredictable nature of using them for Latin-gem magic, I didn't want to

My plan was, really, pretty simple. I'd been scrounging my memory for every scrap of Latin I could think of that could possibly related. I'd put together every variation of 'cancel magic' and 'heal mind' I could think of. And I was going to use the gems to case each and every one of them, hope that my intention, will, and visualization would make up for any grammatical lapses... and, if I was lucky, at least some would actually work. Red and Amethyst were watching, in case Blanche needed to be held down or pursued through the air, while Star Chaser was up in the bridge, keeping an eye on things while we we bobbed at anchor.

"Anyone have a reason not to start now?"

Blanche replied, "Lots - but none that'd persuade you."

"Alright. Let's begin." I picked up the first gem from the tray, looked at Blanche, thought careful thoughts, and carefully declared, "Abjure alchemia." (Who'd have ever thought that knowing the first edition Dungeons and Dragons schools of magic, such as 'abjuration', would ever have a practical application?) After a moment to make sure nothing visibly bad happened, I continued, "Abjure enchantation. Abjure fascination. Abjure incantation. Abjure magia. Abjure maleficium." The gem felt like it was out, so I set it aside, picked up the next, and continued with, "Abjure thaumaturgy," and continued through my alphabetical list, soon moving on to 'abrogate', 'anti', 'negate', 'nullify', 'rescind', and the rest of the latinate words I'd managed to come up with. One I ran out of those, I moved on to the healing ones - I wasn't sure how many of the words I was using were Latin or Greek, but I gave them all their shot, anyway, from 'cure' to 'medic' to 'physik' to 'sanitation'; from 'cerebrum' to 'cogitation' to 'consciousness' to 'intellect' to 'mentis' to 'rational' to 'sapience'.

Throughout all of this, Blanche just lay there quietly, breathing and blinking. Finally, I ran out of words, and fell silent.

"Are you done, then?" She asked.

"I guess. Do you feel any different?"

"I don't think so. The ropes are kind of making my back itch. Can I get them off yet?"

"I guess so. Amethyst? Your fingers are more nimble than my hooves - think you can untie them without cutting them up too much?"

In a few moments, Blanche was freed, and standing, looking around at us.

"So, um," I said, "Do you still want to spend that night with me?"

"Well - yeah, of course. But I know you're not going to, so I'd be better spending my time trying to do other things."

"I suppose... that's a start? I was hoping for something, well... a little more dramatic?"

"Sorry - you're still the most important person in the world to me. I am kind of sleepy, though - mind if I skip my shift?"

"Take all the time you need," I agreed.

She turned to the stairs heading to the barracks, spread her wings, and... hopped a step. She looked confused, frowned, and gave her wings a few more flaps. Then she started flapping as hard as she could, enough to send the bandages on her back flying, and for her wounds to start bleeding again.

"Hey! Hey, it's okay, calm down, settle down," I tried to placate her, hurrying over to her. "You're hurting yourself there."

"I can't fly. I can't fly!" Her eyes were wide, panicked.

I tried keeping my voice as calm and soothing as I could, stroking her back, gently pushing her wings back onto her sides. "Don't worry - it's just a side-effect. I guess I canceled out not just the love potion, but your natural magic, too. But I only canceled it - that's why I had to do the healing spells, to. You should be back to normal by the time you wake up. And if not - I've already thought of at least three ways to jump-start you. Just head to bed and get some rest, and come see me when you get up, okay?"

She grumbled a bit - and I cheered inside, she'd never grumbled at me before! - and tromped off.

As I stared after her, I said, "Well. That could have gone a lot worse. Red - thanks for your help, even if we didn't need it. If Blanche has any, um, pegasus problems, could you talk with her?"

"Of course," she agreed, and trotted after Blanche.

"Amethyst - before you go, we need to have a talk." I started gathering up the expended gems back into the tray. I really should have tried to make notes during the whole procedure - but one thing I'd learned from that journal of terrible transformation experiments, was that healing spells had better effect when cast right after each other, rather than waiting between them. Maybe later I'd have a chance to find out which out of all those spells I'd tried actually worked, which worked better, and so on - but that would be later. If there was a later.

As I continued cleaning up, Amethyst followed. "I'm not taking John, Paul, George, or Ringo anywhere near the Great Battlefield," I stated. "They need someone to take care of them. If it's not me - that means you. Given what I'm likely to be doing after that - even if I survive, I'm just going to head into further dangers... so, somewhere between here and Oasis, I'd like to drop you and them off, with whatever bits and equipment we can spare so you can get back to the warren by Ponyville."

As calmly as usual, she said, "No."

"I was afraid you were going to say something like that." I paused, as I was getting my hooves tangled up trying to re-coil the ropes. Amethyst, wordlessly, pulled them off of me and wound them up nice and professionally. "I am both owner and captain, you know - I could shove you over the side right here and now, and nopony would be able to say 'neigh'."

"Won't."

"Well - maybe not. But if I don't understand why you want to stick with me, and have the pups stay even if it's dangerous - then I just might up-ship in Oasis and leave you behind. I don't think one-word answers are going to cut it, today." She grimaced. "Come on, let's at least head to the side balcony to watch the fish jump while we talk.

"So," I said, leaning on the railing. "Up to saying some full sentences? Or are we going to have to spend a few hours as I try to pry each and every word out of you?"

"Alpha. Beats. Me."

"What? You mean - he hits you? Okay, so the warren's not the place for you to-"

She interrupted, shaking her head. "Alpha... More. Better. If... we... fight. I... lose." I nodded, encouraging her to continue. "Ponyville... guard. Beat Alpha. Royal guard. Beat Ponyville. Army. Beat Guard. Princess. Beat army."

She stopped there, coughed once, and spat into the river. I didn't blame her - this was probably more words than she'd said since I'd met her. "I think I see what you're saying so far," I said into her silence. "But I don't get-"

"You," she stated, "Beat Princess. Maybe... not... yet. But... later." Cough. Spit. "I go... pups... sons... of Alpha. I stay... sons... of Alpha. Of Alphas. Of Alphas."

She fell silent again. I didn't feel the need to add any words of my own just then. So we listened to the river, the wind, the birds, the bugs, the frogs, the creaking of the ship, while I thought about what she'd said, the mind that would think that way. And the various paths that could be taken from this point.

Finally, I asked, "Have you ever heard the word 'noncombatant'?" She shook her head. "Oh well. In that case - if I do let you stay anywhere near me - and I'm not saying I will - there are conditions. My job is to save the world. The pups' job is to grow up and live in that world - and, maybe, figure out how to save it themselves. If I'm to do my job - I can't spend all my time worrying about making sure the pups do theirs. So your job would be to do that - to keep them safe, to take them away from dangers even if I happen to be galloping straight for it. Even if it means they never see me again. If I do let you stay - then you have to agree that if I ever straight up tell you to leave, and take the pups with you, you will. No hesitation, no refusal - just pack and go. Do you understand?"

She not only nodded eagerly, but her grin was as wide as I'd ever seen it.

I nodded back. "Now - do you agree?"

"Yes!" I felt a thwacking on my flank - her tail was wagging hard enough to leave bruises, almost.

"Good. Then go swab some kippers or scuttle some hatches or something - I've got a take-off to manage."

Comments

[Horatiojones]

You sir, are a genius.
I have just read this whole thing in the last three days. In my humble opinion, you are quite possibly one of the most interesting writers on FimFiction.
This mainly being because, I find the theories and ideas put forth by Missy to be amusing and endearing, as well as appealing in an intellectual sense.
Please, keep up the good work.

Also, FIRST!!!!

[skyscraper123]

This is pretty awesome thank you for your time and effort in making this master piece of fiction on fiction about FICTION!!!!!

[humble]

Wow. This might just be the most interesting Chess fic I've read; how come this has so few thumbs up? Seeing a character having to spend significant amounts of time working around such a huge handicap is a breath of fresh air - I'm really surprised I can't find many that do something similar. Though it took me this long to find this fic, so maybe I'm just not looking very hard...

I find myself wondering what fate has in store for Missy and her companions, and I can rarely keep that level of interest in a character for 70 chapters straight. 70 chapters that I plowed in one sitting, no less, so thumbs up to you buddy! Now, I'mma follow this with a vengeance.

[DataPacRat]

1124264
I don't find that rude at all - and it's certainly an interesting thought.

Chapter 73 is probably the slowest one I'm going to write; with my current plot notes, it might be the last chance I'll have to do ordinary character development before the more actiony part of the plot starts kicking in.

As for losing the way you describe - this isn't the place for significant plot spoilers, but such a severe (set of) loss(es) is entirely compatible with what I have plotted out.

[drone009]

My plan was, really, pretty simple. I'd been scrounging my memory for every scrap of Latin I could think of that could possibly related. I'd put together every variation of 'cancel magic' and 'heal mind' I could think of.

Instantly I knew she would be turned human, and male. Not 100% though, as I haven't read past this yet.

EDIT: Awwww

[World Theory]

Swab some kippers? Scuttle some hatches? I am not sure if I'm parsing those correctly. Are the kippers dirty in a way that swabbing them would be effective? It sound like they would be better used as potted plant food. As for the second one... Depending on your definition, the hatches shouldn't need any scuttling, as they are already scuttles themselves. Or perhaps it would mean, to put a hole in the hatches, which might be interpreted as a kind of slang for 'open the hatches'. Though another meaning might lead one to think that the command is to make the hatches useless, as one of the uses of the word scuttle, seems to approximately mean "make one's own boat useless".

(I'm aware of the strong chance that these commands are intentional jibberish intended for humor, but I thought it would be interesting to try to interpret them as meaningful commands, to see what they would actually mean.)