Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Drill Baby Drill

While I was certainly willing to take Ursula's advice as inspiration, that didn't mean I had to take it the way she gave it; there are all sorts of aphorisms and adages that are actually so much applesauce. She might plan for dying any day, and so live for the moment; but while I was also planning for dying any day, I was at least aiming for the best possible outcome. (The tricky part of which was figuring out which outcomes were actually possible, to avoid wasting my efforts on the impossible ones.) Maybe it had something to do with my having been linked with the Element of Hope (though I was still rather uncomfortable with the idea that abstract principles could have such an independent existence), but I'd been trying to build the best possible future I could for some time now, and didn't see any reason to change.

So when Amethyst and I shared a bubble bath, there was absolutely nothing sexual about the event. What it was, instead, was intimate.

I probably haven't spent enough time talking about the sheer annoyances of having two immobile 'fingers', effectively single digits, on the end of every limb; pony society is built to accommodate that sort of anatomy. But simply being able to relax and let somebody I trusted with real hands, even claw-tipped ones, help scrub my hide and clean my fur - well, even the Spa Ponies would probably go out of business if the Diamond Dogs went into competition with them. And while I couldn't return the favor in exactly the same way, I was able to use the new water telekinesis spell I'd come up with for more than firefighting, and we had some fun playing with that.

By the time we were done, I, at least, was feeling much less stressed and worried. In fact, looking out at the stars, I felt relaxed enough to start humming a nice, slow song-

- which I cut off after the first two notes. I'd already had enough trouble with love magic, including song-based love magic, and I had no intention of letting the local narrative causality use music to stick me into a love polyhedron, just because that was a standard sort of story that I could be slotted into. I still didn't know how much of my feelings for Cheerilee were actually mine, and how much were created by magic - and until I either figured that out, or was able to come to terms with not knowing, I could at least try and keep whatever was going on in my head from being pushed around willy-nilly. Music had its place, and could cause problems at least as easily as it could solve them; probably easier, since it was rather unlikely that I could use music to solve the problem I'd been thinking about when Ursula came by, as there weren't any real connections between singing scales and my... wands...

...

... okay, if it was narrative causality that led me to that inspiration, then I was willing to chart up a point for it. That didn't mean I owed it any favors.

---

"All crew, and passengers!" Red called out to everyone, who was gathered up on the deck in front of the bridge. "Before we finish changing shifts, the Mikoyan's owner, Doctor Missy, has an announcement she wishes to make to all of you at once. Please pay attention." She nodded at me.

I looked at everyone looking at me expectantly. I took a breath, took a moment to imagine them all wearing underwear, which was silly enough to make me crack a grin, relieving the 'public speaking' tension. "Okay, folks. We've had an interesting couple of days - and we've found a few difficulties, especially with how we interact with the locals. I've been looking into some solutions, and have finally come up with something that should be able to solve at least one set of problems, without introducing too many others.

"This is a sleep wand." I held up a short piece of wood with a gem on the end, painted deep purple with various symbols and sigils. "I am giving each and every one of you one of these, to keep for the duration of your service, or your stay aboard the Mikoyan. Our Three Musketeers," I nodded at the golden-furred diamond dogs, "will work with you to figure out a way you can keep it with you at all times, such as in a belt, and I suggest you keep it ready to use at a moment's notice at all times.

"It is as close to a non-lethal weapon as I've been able to come up with. The target becomes overwhelmingly tired, and falls asleep - for a full eight hours or so, if left undisturbed. This can be a problem if they're holding onto a ladder, but other than that sort of thing, it can take anything short of a dragon out of a fight without causing any permanent harm.

"As should be obvious, it will work for any species, not just ones that can naturally use magic. Using it is simple - but training is still a good idea, and Captain Red is adjusting schedules to make time for both individual training, and practice with group tactics. Yes, part of the training will involve using the wands on each other. To prove how safe it is, Captain Red will demonstrate on me, while I explain how to activate the wand.

"Step one - grab hold of the wand, with your hoof, paw, or hand - not your mouth. Step two - aim it at your target. Step three - visualize your target falling asleep. And step four, say the activating musical phrase," and I sang out the notes, "Do mi re". My earlier experiments in the Dairy, about how clearly a Latin word had to be pronounced, were now paying off - for singing those three notes, with the right visualization and a charged gem, had proven to be close enough to the actual Lain word 'Dormire', meaning 'sleep', for the spell to activate. And by implying that the activation key was a set of musical notes instead of a Latin phrase, that would probably be enough to keep anyone trying to steal the idea from being able to reverse-engineer any more dangerous spells, as they chased down the blind alley of using notes from a musical scale.

As I'd talked, Red had drawn her new wand from her new uniform belt, aimed it at me, furred her brow in concentration, and after I sang the notes, she repeated "Do mi re."

I was asleep before I hit the deck.

This was, however, not the end of my speech. After I'd snored for a few seconds (or so I was later told), Red grabbed the bucket she'd put nearby, and dumped the cold water it had been full of over my head. I yelped a bit as I woke up, and took a few seconds to blink my eyes and get my bearings back. "Right. Where was I? Oh, yeah." I pulled myself back to my feet, not bothering to suppress my yawns. "As you can - ahah - see, the target can be woken up early, with - haaaaahaaa - minimal ill effect. Though I am feeling a bit fuzzy, do plan on taking a nap when we're done here." I got a few chuckles out of that. "Hm - Red, maybe we can call them 'fuzzers'. Let me know if that seems a bad name when I'm fully awake again." I turned back to the group.

"Anyway - a few last notes, and then I'll let you all go. I've had to make do with the gems we have, so each wand can be used a different number of times before it needs to be recharged. We'll be adding more gems to our shopping lists. They can be recharged by any of our unicorns. If unicorns are unavailable, there is another recharging method, which I have entrusted to Captain Red. We don't want these things falling into the hands of those who would misuse them, so try not to lose them or let them get stolen - it's important enough to try chasing after a pickpocket, but not important enough to risk your life over. When you leave the crew, or if you're a passenger, when you leave the ship, you're to return the wand to the ship's armory - if you don't, we'll assume that you've stolen it, and I'll be annoyed with you. Believe you me, you don't want me to be annoyed with you.

"I think that covers the basics. Any questions?"

Berry Blast asked, "How do they work?"

"Through principles that anyone can discover, if they choose to take the time and effort to look for them... and maybe if they have a few years' education in the right fields, first. I won't try to stop you from figuring it out, on your own time, as long as you don't damage your issued equipment or hurt anyone. I just feel no need to help you figuring it out, at least not unless you're someone I trust to be able to handle the consequences of that knowledge."

Red piped up, "To give you an idea of that standard - a noble once offered Missy a million bits to do something that, while not causing any direct harm to anypony, she didn't think was the right thing to do. She refused that offer, and did what she thought was right, instead."

I hissed at her, "Come on - it was more complicated than that, and you know it."

She whispered back, "Not the point." Back to her command voice, she said, "So that's the standard she holds herself to. She doesn't expect as much from anypony else - but those of us who've been with her for a while try to live up to her expectations anyway. We may not always succeed - but we've been making the effort, and she knows it. Next question?"

Firebough took a step forward from the protection of Ursula's bulk. 'You're really giving one to me? And her?'

"Yep," I said. "You have as much right to be able to defend yourself as anyone else - so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt, and giving you the chance to prove you can handle the responsibility. If you abuse it, then I will take it away from you - but I'm hoping you will demonstrate that my trust in you is not misplaced. Next?"

Gallant Heart inquired, "When should we use them, and when should we use our hooves, horns, claws, or whatever?"

"A very good question," I nodded, "and answering it will take some time - so I plan on doing so during the training sessions. Any other questions that can't wait until then?"

"Can we zap ourselves if we're having trouble getting to sleep?" I couldn't make out which pony called that out, and there was more chuckling.

"As long as you're able to wake up for your shift or any alarms," Red replied. "Anyone else? No? Alright - anyone who's on-shift, back to work, the rest of you, do what you will."

---

"Hello, everyone," I said to the small group, "And welcome to Fuzzer Tactics one-oh-one: Individual tactics. We'll be covering care and use of your fuzzer, go/no-go choices, and individual tactics - the latter adapted from the Equestrian Guard manual for unicorns. Later courses will cover group tactics, and, for anyone interested, further courses will go into the ethics, legality, history, psychology, and sociology of such things, potentially leading to individualized instruction. But for now, since all of you are both Equestrians and crew, I thought that we might start with this." I started passing out sheets of paper. "I've adapted it from a service you've never heard of, and I'm not fully satisfied with the translation yet, so I'm not insisting that you swear to live by it - but it offers a perspective that I think is worth thinking about. If any of you can think of improvements that can be made, let me know. In the meantime - here's my first draft of the Wandpony's Creed."

This is my wand. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

My wand is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My wand, without me, is useless. Without my wand, I am useless. I must fire my wand true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...

My wand and myself know that what counts in this war is not the charges we expend, the noise of our blast, or the flash of magic we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...

My wand is pony, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a sibling. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its symbols, its accessories, its shaft and its gem. I will keep my wand clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...

Before Celestia and Luna, I swear this creed. My wand and myself are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.

So be it, until victory is Equestria's and there is no enemy, but peace!

Cloud muttered, "I dunno about 'sibling' - it seems kind of wishy-washy..."

"I can fiddle with that," I agreed.

Gallant thought aloud, "I'm not sure I like the idea of putting so much... emphasis on one particular tool, instead of on the pony himself."

Berry was outright dismissive, "I'm a unicorn - I can use magic myself, I don't need a wand."

I'd anticipated the latter view, and had made a plan. "That's an entirely reasonable belief," I said. "It also seems reasonable to believe that wands might be more useful than unicorn horns in at least some situations. So how about we try seeing which belief actually corresponds to reality? This cargo bay is reasonably big, and the crates and barrels and so on make it interesting terrain - so how about the four of us run some quick experiments? Say, you and Gallant, without wands, on one team, and me and Cloud on a team with wands, and we play some 'capture the flag'?"

Berry blinked at that. "... really? What if you lose?"

"Then it's better I find out how easily that happens now, rather than in the middle of a real combat situation, isn't it?"

"That's... astonishingly reasonable of you."

"'Reasonable' is what I aim for. I just happen to have some scarves and sticks here to make flags out of. Dibs on blue."

---

"Do mi re!"

"Do mi re! ... okay, they're both down."

"That was fast."

"Let's grab their flag and wake 'em up."

---

"Do mi hey!" Cloud exclaimed as Berry grabbed her wand from her with his telekinesis.

Unfortunately for him, there were two of us, and with a quick "Do mi re" from me, he was out of the fight. But while I'd been doing that, Gallant had started galloping toward me, and I didn't think I had time to zap him before he got to me - so I tossed my wand up into the air for Cloud to wing over and catch. Gallant tried leaping up into the air to grab it himself, but Cloud was faster, and with three quick notes, he was out of the fight.

---

Before the next round, Cloud and I made a change - we used some of the pony equivalent of duck tape to attach our wands to our forelegs, between knee and fetlock (the part I thought of as being equivalent to our 'forearms'). Gallant and Berry made some changes, too - instead of coming straight for us, they tried keeping hidden behind the crates. I whispered to Cloud the old squirrel-hunting technique, of one hunter walking noisily around a tree, so the squirrel stayed on the far side of it, while the other just kept quiet until it was in sight. She gave me a funny look, but gamely flapped up toward the ceiling, circling to the left, while I just held still. I saw a few movements on the far side of a crate, and wasted a couple of charges before I realized I was falling for the 'hat on a stick' routine. I heard Cloud sing out, and a thud as, from the weight, presumably Gallant fell to the floor. Berry sent a few blasts in Cloud's direction, but with two against one, he wasn't able to hide from us both, and quickly fell.

Cloud started down to their flag, before I called out to her to stop. "You know," I called out, "if I were a clever guard, I might try faking being hit right about now, so I could surprise my opponent from behind. And since I'm a clever cow, that means I should probably zap my seemingly fallen opponent again, just to make sure they really are out cold. Which means I'd get to toss a bucket of cold water on him to wake him up for the next round. Do we need to go through all that?"

Gallant called out, "Okay, okay, you've got me."

Cloud said, "Maybe I should dump a bucket on him anyway..."

---

The next round, Cloud and I finally lost - when Berry not only managed to sucker us out and take our wands from us, but used them against us to knock us out.

But when I woke up, even though it was with the now-traditional dousing in cold water, I was smiling. "Looks like you won that one," I said, cheerfully, as I shook my body dry. (Well, drier.) "But the way you did it heavily implies that my proposed belief wins the overall experiment - the side with the wands won."

"Yeah, yeah."

"I actually expected it to go a bit differently - I thought we'd run out of charges first, and you'd win the round that way, letting me point out how important it is to keep a wand fully charged. Well, maybe I can use that lesson on another group. For now - will I at least have your full cooperation in developing and training with a wand-based tactical doctrine?"

"That depends - will you be using these wands against the Guard, the Princesses, or Equestria?"

"I still consider myself employed by the Princesses, and unless they've turned into tyrants by the time we get back, I fully intend to share everything we figure out with them, for them to determine how best to integrate into the Guard - or not, if that's their choice. I've already come up with one weapon they've chosen not to put into general circulation, and while I'm not sure whether I agree with their decision, I'm abiding by it, because I'm not sure they're wrong, either. Of course, sharing this information with them will involve getting into contact with them directly - even if I didn't have concrete evidence their mail's being intercepted, all this info is sufficiently sensitive not to trust to unsecured communications."

"I can deliver it for you."

"What I'm going to say may sound insulting, Berry, but is not meant so, only as a statement of facts. One of the core lessons I've learned about how to think well enough to solve important problems is 'shut up and multiply'. This includes using math, as much as possible, to quantify beliefs, and the consequences thereof. There is a low-to-moderate chance that you are more closely associated with my mysterious opponent from Canterlot than you are with the Princesses. Even if that's a very low chance, I also have to consider the scale of the negative consequences if that's so, and multiply them together - and the result is that, even if you find it offensive, I simply must not trust you to do that task for me, if I can do it myself."

"But you trust the Captain."

"More than I do you, yes. But I do keep secrets even from her."

"Is there anyone you do trust entirely?"

"I don't trust myself entirely. That's another of those important lessons. But if you're asking who I trust the most, other than yours truly... probably Princess Luna, with Princess Celestia a close second."

"... I'm not even going to ask why they're in that order. But if I could get you to them - you'd tell them about all of this?"

"That's my intention. Of course, there's one more minor complication you haven't thought of yet - by the time we get back, will the Princesses, and the ponies around them, trust me enough to let me anywhere near them? After all, I'm a stranger, a wielder of odd and unusual magics, and my behavior is unpredictable - maybe it's all part of my secret plot to overthrow the Princesses and take their place."

"... My head is starting to hurt."

"Welcome to my world. I do have one piece of good news, though. Even if I did seize the thrones for myself - I'm still just a mortal cow; at worst, I'd be a tyrant usurper for a few decades, but then the immortal Princesses would be able to take up the reins of power after I died, and get to work on fixing things."

"That's... good?"

"Of course, I wouldn't object if I found an ethical way to extend my lifespan, or even achieve immortality."

"That's... bad? Wait, is it?"

"If I could, I'd even spread knowledge of that so everypony who wanted to live longer, could."

"... if I agree to help with the tactical classes, will you stop now?"

"I can live with that."

Comments

[Umbra_the_Snivy]

Bwahahaha xD
That's just like MY lines of thought. Confusing the universe one sentence at a time. Too bad I can never actually write it down correctly, it just turns into one very, very large block of text without any sense whatsoever.

[Ceraph]

DOUBLE UPDATE? WOAH! WONDERFUL

[Forevermore]

The Wandpony's Creed was HILARIOUS

[Tay the Chemist]

Please tell me I'm not the only one who fell victim to the 'hearing, seeing or reading a yawn makes you yawn' thing.

[AppleTank]

1299272
Flabbergasted, amazed confused, som-holy shit another update!?

[AppleTank]

1299349
says you're doing right.

[Paranoid Cavalcade]

Possibly coincidentally, halfway through the last chapter, I had an utterly terrifying thought. It also involved combining the Equestrian music-effect with Latin-based magic.

Here you go.

[strangephantasm]

I don't think Missy has fully considered the consequences of her plans. A world where people don't die of old age means that Equestria quickly becomes overrun with life. Then, starvation and overcrowding. Equestria would be forced to start taking more and more territory... And then some clever pony realizes that there are other worlds than these...

Somewhere out there is a reality where Missy causes The Conversion Bureau...

[DataPacRat]

1302035
Trust me - Missy's considered the consequences. The Malthusian scenario you describe depends on at least one unstated assumption: that unaging people continue to have a reproduction rate higher than the death rate. Another assumption: gathering resources from, and sending population to, other planets is infeasible. Don't forget back during Missy's duel with Lady Kohl, what the vision Missy had of what she hopes for if all goes will, was.

[Astrochelonian]

"That's... good?"
"Of course, I wouldn't object if I found an ethical way to extend my lifespan, or even achieve immortality."
"That's... bad? Wait, is it?"

But does it come with a free frogurt?