• Published 21st Jun 2012
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Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me - DataPacRat



Not every human in equestria gets turned into a pony.

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Accepting Responsibility

I stretched out on the deck chair, on the beach, my hooves behind my head; and just relaxed, listening to the waves on the beach, and watching the moon slowly setting into the distant storm-clouds. There was an old koan about a monk, a cliff, and some tigers - and I was doing my best to appreciate every aspect of the sweetness of the moment.

It had been a hectic couple of days. As soon as we'd gotten through the storm, we'd bee-lined for the first sign of civilization we saw, to start looking for who to warn about the coming invasion fleet. That had been a longhouse, a fairly standard one for the northern region, which seemed the only building attached to some rather large cattle-grazing fields. I'd volare'd myself down, with the pegasi Blanche and Cloud Bouncer as backup, to try to talk to the head of the houshold - an earth-pony - about how to get their emergency defensive procedures kick-started... but once the translation spell kicked in, all he'd seemed to care about was the fact that I'd landed in his vegetable patch, and had squashed some of his squashes. Even after getting through to him that I wasn't just a cow under a ventriloquism spell, he literally would not believe that our flying ship had come from anywhere other than the other side of the island, and kept repeating a threat to sue me.

I'd finally gotten something started by asking him "What would happen if I declined to be sued?" - he'd grumbled and started walking to talk to his chieftain. To speed things up, we gave him a lift. The chieftain directed us to a judge, who said that if the case was as serious as I said, then it would have to be handled at the quarter-court... which wouldn't meet again until next spring. And after that it would probably have to go to the all-court in the summer.

This was, needless to say, rather useless to deal with a fleet merely days behind us. One thing I did learn was that the island did have an immortal princess - of a sort. The judge called her the 'Singing Princess', because she'd been incapacitated for a number of years, and that was about all she was able to fill her days with. Naturally, that wasn't of any more help.

I finally asked what it would take to get the island's inhabitants to put together any sort of organized military response. The judge said, "Oh, someone defying the authority of the courts, instigating a full blood-feud without proper authority, and generally that sort of thing."

I'd looked at Red Pepper, and raised an eyebrow. She'd rolled her eyes, heaved a sigh, and nodded.

We'd spent most of our time during the next couple of days becoming the most-hated beings we could. The local population included some unicorns and pegasi, and after we'd started making enough of a pain of ourselves, they'd started spreading the word - and, finally, the island's inhabitants started mobilizing against us.

Unfortunately, even once we'd gotten them started, it was still going to be a slow process.

Red, I, and the other members of our round table discussed some of our strategy... and Amethyst, the Musketeers, the pups, Lord Firebough, and Ursula were dropped off inland, with all the notes I had on guerrilla warfare and organizing resistance movements. Basically, we were putting our non-combatants out of the way, the safest place we could. The rest of us took the Mikoyan back out through the storm, to find Dirk's fleet and where it was aiming for. Once we had that, I had her drop me off here on the beach, with some equipment, while she took the airship back out - to do whatever they could to slow the fleet, without getting themselves knocked out of the sky.

I hadn't said anything to Red, but I didn't actually expect them to accomplish anything significant. Odd as it may sound, I'd put them on that mission to raid hundreds of enemy ships to put them in the safest spot I could.

Over the last few weeks, as we skipped along barely ahead of the armada, I'd been doing some thinking. In particular, I'd been trying to think of what I considered the best possible outcome would be - and what it would take to bring that outcome about. I'd also been thinking about the implications of the Latin-based magic I'd been using, and the cloak I'd gotten stuck with.

And so... I'd made plans - not all of which I'd shared even with my inner circle. I'd come up with as many options as I could, and I'd laid the groundwork for as many as I had the time and resources for. As part of that... I'd spent less time on research, and more on teaching. For just one example, I'd started teaching Red, Blanche, and Micro some Earthly history, so they could learn the lessons therefrom. Economics, the civil rights movement, game theory, oligarchic takeovers, riddles, cultural referents - I'd tried pumping their brains as full as I could of everything that was most likely help them fulfill our overall mission to keep Equestria from going the way of Atlantis. "After all," I said, "I've already been petrified once - I don't want a continent to sink if that happens to me again."

And so here I sat. I picked up the Warden Whistle from around my neck, and looked at it once again, turning it from side to side; the official plan was that if the Mikoyan couldn't head off the fleet, and the local ships couldn't get here in time, then I would blow it, and summon the... undead things, to start reaving and killing and slaying the invaders.

I thought again about what the best possible outcome would be... what it would take to accomplish that... and I thought about some of the people from Earth I admired most - those who went against society to do what they felt right, and accepted the consequences of their actions.

I lifted my binoculars to my eyes, scanned the horizon again... and, this time, in the mist and the rain and the darkness - I saw a sail, a ship coming through the surprisingly-penetrable impenetrable weather. Then another - then two more.

There was no sign of the Mikoyan.

I lifted the whistle's chain from around my neck, looked at it one last time... and I dropped it in the sand next to me. And scooped some more over it, burying it.

The moon disappeared entirely behind the clouds, leaving nothing but the stars to shine down on us.

With a minor bit of vision-enhancing magic - alright, with the goggles from the Battlefield - I was able to watch ship after ship come through the rain. Each one full of ruthless warriors, who would gleefully slaughter every single individual on the island just for the joy in doing so.

Just in case they might miss me, I reached into the trunk to one side, touched a ruby, and whispered "Ignere"; the driftwood I'd piled to my left ignited into a cheery little campfire.

I waited.

After a while, over the rush of the waves, I heard the flapping of leathery wings; and Dirk Steel thudded into the sand before me. His eyes glittered red, reflecting the firelight as he thumped closer.

"Okay," he said, "I'll bite. Your crew mutinied on you, and marooned you here?"

"Not even close," I answered. "I'd like to ask you up to three things, and then - well, one way or another, I expect our conversation will be over."

"Three, hunh? What'll you do if I just kill you now?"

"Be rather annoyed for a few brief moments, I assume. My first question," I said without a pause, "is based on what you told me before, that you're using some combination of VR and self-hypnosis to 'really see' what's happening in here. If I were to cast a mind-affecting spell, not just on your character but on you, like a fall-in-love spell, then your equipment wouldn't let that really affect you, now would it?"

He snorted. "What, I should give you the satisfaction of knowing?"

"I can create such a magical effect without moving from this chair, to find out."

"Hm. It's a good question - self-hypnosis can do all sorts of things. Ever have a dream where you know things, in the dream, that you couldn't possibly know?"

"So - at least in terms of the game - you just might end up acting as if the spell really did affect you?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. Why, thinking of making me fall in love with you?"

I shook my head. "Nothing so crass." What I'd really hoped was that he'd be sure it wouldn't affect him - so that having some magic like that actually affect him would shake up his understanding of the universe. But since it seemed as if he could incorporate such an event into his current paradigm, I continued, "For my second question - I've learned that one possible end of this plotline includes the sinking of a continent, and millions of deaths. Would you be interested in helping me keep that from happening?"

"Are you asking me to help you snag the artifact that's at the end of this fetch-quest?"

"It seems very likely to be one of the more useful tools to prevent the sinking - so, yes."

"Not a chance. You want that thing, you'll have to beat me fair and square."

I sighed. "In that case - for my third question - is there a chance I could outright bribe you with the contents of this chest?"

I reached over, flipped the lid open, and picked up one of the items within... transparent, it glimmered faintly in the starlight.

Dirk leaned in and squinted. "Am I supposed to know what that is?"

"Think of it as concentrated magic."

He frowned - then his eyes widened, and he started spreading his wings.

Looked like the answer to my question was 'no'.

Before he made a single flap, I said the word, "Pax."

The piece of Ursa Major bone I held in my hoof, about the size of the shard that had set my whole lab ablaze, started glowing... along with every other Ursa bone-piece I'd brought with us all the way from Canterlot.

I managed to continue to speak, saying, "Amore," and felt the Lady's Cloak billowing around me of its own accord. I'd made my decision some time ago about mind-affecting magic being unethical and that it should be illegal. Where we were now, there was no law, none other than myself - so I was sentencing myself to suffer the full consequences of my own actions.

I hoped I'd taught the others enough to carry on the mission.

I finished the words I'd planned on saying. "Et harmonia."

The whole world turned to light.

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