Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Peace Negotiations

After a short bit of work, the Mikoyan was set at a stable, upside-down hover, and everypony aboard was gathered in the bridge - specifically, around the main, circular skylight. To my right were Captain Red, Blanche, Amethyst, and Star; opposite me was Safe, and to his right were Micro (her right foreleg now in a sling), the earth-pony guard I'd glued to the floor, and an unfamiliar pegasus and unicorn in guard uniforms.

"Now that we're all here," I said, "I should probably explain a few things. I've offered Safe Guard my conditional surrender - and we're here to negotiate the conditions. Both he and I have agreed that if anyone starts fighting while we're having these talks, both of us will cooperate to kick them off the ship."

Safe nodded, and glanced at his ponies. "If both she and I don't agree to let you back on - you'll have to walk home."

"I feel," I said, "that I should also point out that if we fail to come to an agreement, one of the top options I'm considering is magically gluing you all to the floor - er, the ceiling - and," I glanced at the pegasus, "your wings to your sides... while the rest of us get on with our work."

Safe didn't seem exactly happy as he added, "But she seems to think that if she did that, I'd just come after her another day. So - here we are."

"Now then," I said, "before we get to the meat of the talks - as a purely practical matter, I think Red should check the Mikoyan over, to make sure there isn't anything leaking, or otherwise needs to be attended to immediately."

Red said, "I'd like to take somepony with me."

I said, "I'd like to keep Blanche here - would Amethyst be good?"

Safe said, "Not that I don't trust you - but how about I send a guard with each of them, to help out?"

Red, "I can live with that."

And so our round-table of ten was quickly shrunk to six.

To Safe, I said, "I'm going to hazard a guess that a lot of our disagreement is going to come down to trust - which of us trusts the other about what, and how much. For example, I believe that I have good reason not to trust unencrypted letters sent through the mail; you believe you have good reason to trust anything with one of the Princess's seals. Does that sound about right?"

"I suppose - except I don't just believe I have good reason, I do have good reason to believe the Princesses keep their official seals safe."

"How could you tell the difference from the inside?"

"Pardon?"

"Sorry - bad phrasing. When you believe anything that isn't true, how can you tell that that belief is false, compared to all of your true beliefs? Do false beliefs feel different from true ones?"

Micro finally piped up, "I think we're straying from the point."

I sighed. "Only if you don't want to give me a chance to offer the evidence in support of my beliefs."

Safe glared. "Evidence or no evidence doesn't matter. I have a lawful order to bring you to Canterlot, and that is what I intend to do."

"I see. Well then - in that case, can we at least agree that both of us want me to remain alive and no more insane than I am right now, as of, say, a week from now?"

Safe's brow furrowed. "That goes without saying."

"I think it needs to be said. Did anyone inform you that on the train I took out of Canterlot, an attempt was made on my life?"

"That's preposterous."

"Safe - Safe, Safe, Safe. Word's certainly gotten around by now, at least in certain circles, that the Dairy is working against the slave trade - don't you think that that could lead to powerful enemies?"

"I've seen nothing of the sort."

"Well - whether you wish to believe it or not, the fact remains that I believe that my life would be in danger were I to return to Canterlot at the moment. And I intend to act based on that belief. So - if you disagree, are you willing to put your money where your mouth is? If I do just so happen to die while in your custody, would you be willing to promise to, say, resign, give all your wealth to the poor, and spend the rest of your life begging for alms?"

"That's never going to happen!"

"Then why not make such a promise?"

"That's... extremely unlikely to happen."

"Ah - then you think there's enough of a chance that you're uncomfortable just losing all your wealth? Then why should I be any more comfortable with the exact same odds of losing my whole life?" Safe glared at me, so I continued. "And I'm guessing you'd be even less likely to be willing, if you actually trusted me to be honest about, well, anything related. Since you seem to think my correspondence with Luna was faked or something - how about Blanche? It's got to be a lot harder to fake a cure than to write some fake letters, right?"

"She loves you - she'd be willing to fake being cured if you asked her to."

"Hey!", Blanche objected.

"She might be willing - but would she be able? Blanche - whatever orders I've given you about faking things are rescinded. Would you like to come and kiss my hoof?" I extended my foreleg invitingly.

"Pass," Blanche stated.

"See?" I looked at Safe hopefully.

"That's not proof of anything," he grumbled.

"I'm not saying it is. I'm not looking for 'proof'. I'm trying to offer evidence - lots of little pieces of evidence, none sufficient in themselves, but which, when added together, form a considerable sum."

"Whatever evidence you'd be willing to provide - I'm sure you've had an opportunity to fake."

"... I suppose that's one way a reputation for being able to do anything can come back to bite me on the - er, tail."

"And," Safe said, "since you've got a plan for everything, I'm sure you've got a plan in mind right now. So why don't we just cut to the chase?"

"Well - I'd really like you to agree because I was able to convince you that it was a good idea in and of itself, too..."

"Spill it."

"Alright, alright. Since we disagree about whether I'll live or die when I get to Canterlot - then we can try putting that to the test, without actually putting my life at risk."

"How?"

"You bring Missy the cow to Canterlot - just a different Missy the cow."

"What - some innocent member of a local herd painted up to look like you?"

"And put their life in danger instead of mine? That hardly seems fair, now does it?"

"So... you've got some sort of shape-changing magic to turn something else into a cow?"

"No. Well, sort of, but it's untested, and it's not what I have in mind. We're right on the border of Equestria - and outside it, the local cows aren't any more people than a dog is. We grab one of them, paint it up to look like me, and you try taking it to Canterlot, keep it in the sort of protective custody you have in mind for me - and we see which of the two of us is right. If I'm right, then the two of you, as heads of the Dairy... say, with both of you here, who's running the show?"

Micro shrugged, "Page Turner."

"Hm. Well, it's your call, I suppose. Anyway - if I'm right, then the two of you will know Equestria's got some internal problems as well as external slavers. And if that happens - then wouldn't you agree I have every right in refusing a royal summons?"

Micro, "I suppose."

Safe glared. "No. The Princesses are the source of all law - if they summon you to Canterlot, it's your obligation to go."

"Even if doing so puts my life at extreme risk?"

"If they write the summons - then I'm sure that they know more good will come from it than any danger to you."

"Ah." I looked down through the window, at the bottom of the horizontal sail, and around the edges of that at the ground. "Safe, do you remember when I asked, if you had to make a choice between the Princesses and innocent lives?"

"... I guess?"

"I think I just found out the answer. Micro, you've been pretty quiet - if we were to try this plan, and the cow ended up with a dozen knives in its back... do you think I should still go to Canterlot?"

"I think," she said, "that if that happened - the Princesses would be willing to make alternate arrangements."

"And if you got a letter, with a royal seal, saying otherwise?"

"Then I would understand if you chose to disobey a royal order."

"Micro!" Safe looked outraged.

Micro glared back. "I might or might not agree with it - but come on. Just because you promised to put your life on the line for the Princesses doesn't mean everypony has to."

"They should - it's an honor to."

I cleared my throat. "As an aside - the attempt on my life used some mental magic, including an attempt to drive me outright insane. And I've learned of the existence of more... subtle mind-affecting magics. When I cured Blanche, the first half of the procedure was to cancel any and all active spells that were still affecting her thinking. I'm not saying that because I think you'll let me do the same-" Safe harrumphed. "But because I would suggest, the next time you see a Princess personally, that you ask her to do something like that. Safe - in case you haven't been paying attention, I haven't said word one about doing something either of the Princesses wouldn't want me to do. I've been saying someone's been tampering with their mail and impersonating them. The evidence I have may not be conclusive - but maybe it's at least enough to spur an investigation, if for no other reason than to prove me wrong?"

Safe frowned. "That's not exactly within our jurisdiction..."

I tilted my head. "Did you revise the Dairy's charter while I was petrified?"

"We have a charter?"

"I'll take that as a 'no'. You may be entertained to find out that when I got the Dairy founded, no specific limits were placed on the its jurisdiction - it's a purely Royal project, with the full faith and confidence of the Princesses. So if you want investigating mail fraud to be within your purview, it is."

Micro, "That's all well and good for the future - but back to the present?"

Safe, "Even if I did take a test cow... what would you be doing in the meantime?"

I shrugged. "I've got a world to try to keep from being destroyed - a week's delay may make all the difference."

Safe frowned and glared at me. "It hardly seems like you'll have 'surrendered' at all, if nothing changes for you. I want to keep you under guard, at least. Micro, how about you keep an eye on her?"

I interrupted, "If you had captured me - wouldn't both you and she be taking me back to Canterlot?"

Safe said, "I suppose?"

I sighed. "Then if she didn't go back with you, wouldn't that be a rather significant clue that all was not as it appeared, thus rendering the whole experiment pointless?"

Star Chaser piped up, "If Micro has to be in two places at once - I could get a dye job and pretend to be her."

I grimaced a little. "It seems a bit over-complicated - but I don't have any objections to some more warm bodies around the place, if that's what Safe wants. Red's the captain, so you'd probably want to consult with her about details - who's under whose authority, and so on."

Micro, "That assumes I even want to stay here, instead of getting back to the labs in Canterlot."

I shrugged yet again. "I don't know the details of how the two of you share responsibility, so that's up to the two of you."

Safe and Micro stared at each other. Safe said, "If she tried to escape custody, the two of us are the only ones who've got a chance at stopping her."

Micro raised an eyebrow. "I don't even know the magic she used to attach Gallant to the deck - and that's just one of the new bits of spellcraft she's shown herself to be capable of. What do you expect me to do if she does do something, check her gut flora for unusual pathogens?"

Safe sighed. "No, I expect you to talk to her, and try to persuade her to come in peacefully."

Micro blinked. "Oh."

Star piped up again, "So - how long would I have to pretend to be her, before I could show one of the Princesses my letter?"

Safe, "What letter? Who are you, anyway?"

I said, "Ah - please forgive me for skipping introductions. Safe Guard, this is Star Chaser, who you might remember as one of the participants in the trial leading to my imprisonment. She was one of the stallions who assaulted me." I couldn't help but enjoy the expressions on both Safe's and Micro's faces. "She has expressed regret for her actions, has been trying to make amends, and has been trying to improve herself to avoid repeating her mistake. I have offered my forgiveness - and given her a letter, to give to one of the Princesses, saying so. She might not get her title back - but she may be able to get her original gender restored. If the Princess she sees is in a good mood at the time. And my good word hasn't been completely blackened by the time she does so."

Micro eyed Star curiously. "If you're going to be me - we need to have a talk." She turned to Safe. "And if I'm staying here - how about the Guards you borrowed from the Oasis detachment?"

Safe shook his head, but not in negation. "Why do I even try to pretend I'm actually in charge of anything? Sure, do what you want with 'em."

Micro nodded. "Star - I don't think we're needed here anymore, so let's go find somewhere private to talk." And the two of them headed out, leaving four.

"So," I said brightly to Safe, "if we're done here, want to go let Red know she can flip the ship back over?"

"If I say 'no', would you be doing that anyway?"

"Mmmmaybe."

Blanche piped up, "If you're doing that, I'll go with you, so she knows you're not just saying that."

And the two of them left, reducing the bridge's population to two.

I looked up and down at the earth-pony stallion curiously. "So - Gallant, was it?"

"Gallant Heart, ma'am."

"'Missy' will do fine; I'm not in your line of command."

"Yes, ma'am. May I ask a question?"

"Always."

"Is it just me, or is everypony on this boat crazy?"

Comments

[ObsidianOrangutan]

I'm continuously impressed by how fast you post these. How long does each chapter take to write? This muat eb a pretty big time commitment.

[DataPacRat]

1157764
I try to hike for exercise at least an hour a day, for the past few months of which I often spend the time thinking about what to write. (I've cut down on the number of podcasts I listen to to free up the time.) I spend, say, an hour a day at the keyboard focused specifically on writing for "Myou've", about half of which is actually typing up the current chapter, the other half is making notes on ideas for future chapters. (Some notes pan out and get used, others don't.)

Pro life tip: learn to touch-type, and keep learning until you can hit 100 wpm when you try. That way you can save all the time you would have spent typing, and spend it on thinking on what you should type.

[JadeCriminal]

Good protip. Now just find a way to for me to defeat the overwhelming resistance of my mind towards doing anything productive...

Yes I can be classified as lazy.

So how would a rationalist who felt like not doing anything (outside amusing themselves) motivate them self to get of their ass and enact plans/ideas that are productive?

Oh yeah: Good chapter. Ending made me chuckle.

[DataPacRat]

1158431
So how would a rationalist who felt like not doing anything (outside amusing themselves) motivate them self to get of their ass and enact plans/ideas that are productive?
The problem is well-known, under the term 'akrasia'. Workable solutions are less well-known. Missy happens to have found one - dose the target with a love potion, and have the person who is the focus of that love tell them to do something productive. For those of us without magical mind alteration handy, this is probably one of the best places to start reading up on the topic, and on ways people have tried dealing with it, and what their results were.

[FormNalvoid]

missy. needs. robo. pony oh and its getting old when every 5 chapters someone tries to kill or capture missy allbeit in creative way it loses its unpredictably.

[DataPacRat]

1159349
I've been trying pretty hard to vary the threats being launched against Missy - in addition to the direct threats, her main power-base was taken, she faced down a sociopath to try to get what she wanted (and only succeeded at a cost), had her communications network partially compromised, had her reputation blackened by rumors of insanity... if I may ask, what sort of variance are you thinking of, that you'd prefer?

[FormNalvoid]

1160794 No you misunderstood i said it was becomeing predictable. You know every 5 chapters she is going to be attacked BUT in creative and fun ways just a minor complainant.

[DataPacRat]

1160813
Ah, I misunderstood - my apologies.
Let's check the data - say, her four most recent faceoffs. In chapter 56 was the subpoena, chapter 60 was the duel, chapter 67 was her face-off with the sociopath, and 77 was dealing with the capture attempt... Differences of 4, 7, and 10 chapters between them.

[FormNalvoid]

1160847 Ah yes but i have this twich in the back of my mind that reminds me that a fight or battle will probably happen soon thus becomeing predictable your story is still enjoyable just not as supriseing just had to get that out.

[DataPacRat]

1160870
How about this - given the nature of the overall CGotG universe, you might consider yourself lucky that I don't throw in a battle every chapter.

[FormNalvoid]

1160895 Hahaha True that true that.......

[ObsidianOrangutan]

1157847 I've tried to learn touch typing before with little success, what method do you reccomend?

[DataPacRat]

1161309
Ah - hm. That's a good question. I'm not sure what the best method would be, as I doubt you could learn the way I did. Until I was in grade 8, I was a classic hunt-and-peck typist. Then I took a summer, half-credit high-school course on typing - on actual typewriters, where I didn't have a 'backspace' key, so a single wrong keystroke could ruin a whole sheet of paper. That's where I got the basics - after that, I just kept on typing more and more, getting faster and faster.

One thing that might be helpful, is that I remember doing some of my practicing on an early version of "Mavis Beacon". It looks like there's still a version of that being made, so it might be worthwhile to give it a try.

[strangephantasm]

Oh jeeze, I've been touch typing for so long the very concept of not doing it is... irritating. Watching someone hunt and peck on the keyboard is like pulling teeth.

Anyways. I've been saving this comment for a while now. There's really only one thing that I don't like about this story, and that's Star Chaser.
I just can't accept saying "I'm sorry and I feel bad about it and I'll never do it again." for attempted rape. My feelings about rapists are pretty much a mirror of Marty's feelings for slavers. And while I get that Missy is able to put off any feelings of revulsion about being around him/her by using Star Chaser for her own ends it still kind of seems like something that would be hard to get past. After all, it isn't so much the crime that's the problem... it's that Star Chaser was capable of committing it. We have a word that describes the class of being capable of forcing themselves on another: Monster.

[DataPacRat]

1162328
... have you been reading my draft for the next chapter?