Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

The Parent Trap

Back in Ponyville, in Cheerilee's, the two of us spent several hours talking about plans for the future - a good deal of said discussion being done while the four diamond pups were cushioned in a basket under my udder, suckling at will. We guessed about what other ponies would think of them, how hard it would be to get them into school, whether they had any built-in instincts which would make them incompatible with living amongst ponies, what changes we'd have to make to our own lifestyles, how much diapers would cost, and so on and so on.

So it was entirely natural that, sometime after late midnight, I woke up to a stranger shuffling and snuffling inside Cheerilee's house, approaching the bedroom... and when I flicked a light on with my hoof - there was a diamond dog. If I wasn't mistaken, it was the very same one who had been wearing the papoose carrying the four pups in the first place - and if I wasn't further mistaken, 'it' was a 'she'.

We looked at each other for some long moments, then she started glancing from me to the basket of pups and back, with the occasional glance at Cheerilee, who had a pillow over her head and hadn't woken up yet.

The dog leaned her staff against the wall, and made some gently downward gestures with her hands, and some soft shushing noises. It occurred to me that she might still be under the impression I was an unthinking beast. I looked at Cheerilee, gave her a silent apology, and got to my hooves, my bandaged leg twinging only slightly. I had an opportunity to learn something here - and maybe do some good.

I deliberately positioned myself so my udder was above the pups' basket, and the light and noise had woken up at least one - I thought it was Paul - enough for him to latch on. The adult dog looked mildly frustrated, but I didn't interfere as she cautiously padded into the room, carefully detached Paul, and gathered up the basket. She turned to leave as silently as she came...

... and I walked after her.

Her eyes widened - she obviously wanted to get in and out without making a fuss, without waking anypony up; and here I was, the good little wet-nurse animal being exactly the puppy-like obedient follower she'd likely wanted earlier. I followed her into the hall, down the steps, and into the living room, ignoring every silent gesture she made for me to stay put or go back.

Once we were in the kitchen, and she was approaching the back door, I judged we were far enough away to be able to make a little noise without waking Cheerilee. So I said, "Wait."

The series of expressions that flashed across her face were fascinating.

I wanted to keep control of the conversation, so I continued, "You came back for them." She started to nod, so I also mentioned, "You love them very much." Another start of a response, which I interrupted with, "You want what's best for them." Inexorably, I rolled on, "Things are changing out there. You tried moving here, but the ponies found you." I finished with, "So why do you think they'll have a better life out there than in here?"

She stared at me for a long moment, then turned back towards the door. I casually mentioned, "I can shout for the guard." She turned back to me, baring her fangs and growling. "If you wanted to kill us to get them, you already could have. You came quietly. You hoped not to be noticed." I paused, and offered, "That can still happen."

She finally spoke, the first words I'd heard from her. "What. Do. You. Want."

"The best possible future for everybody - including," I lifted a hoof to point at each pup in turn, "John, Paul, George, and Ringo here." She glared at me. "Since you left them in my care, I have named them. I have nursed them. I have a stake in their future."

"Ponies. Will. Kill. Them."

I shook my head. "Ponies might try to kill you - and they might be hurt if that happens. If you can read, I have a paper from the ponies' Alpha of Alphas, saying that all ponies should treat these four as if they were my own children... unless I find someone who can give them a better life than I can. I can raise them among ponies, so they will not be hunted - so they will not have to spend their whole lives digging gems for dragons. I can teach them to read - and, when they are grown, if they truly desire to live with a pack, I can let them go. I can offer them... opportunity. What can you offer them?"

She started shaking her head. "Words. Too many. Just. Words!"

"What can I do to prove myself?" I glanced around at Cheerilee's cheerfully cluttered mess, and amongst all the other items, saw a clipboard. "If you do leave - then at least let me give you some paper. I'll write things on it, so that any pony who reads it will know the pony Alpha of Alphas wants the pups taken care of by me - so if you ever change your mind, or if anything ever happens to you... Well. You don't have to ever use it - but just having it will mean the pups will have an opportunity they wouldn't have otherwise."

She didn't say anything, just stared at me, so I carefully made my way to that clipboard, and wrote some impromptu 'birth certificates' for the four pups. I hoofed the results to her, commenting, "One for each of them." She glanced at them, then tucked them into her vest.

I suggested, "You don't have to leave. But if you do - I can walk you out of town, and make sure no guard tries to attack you, thinking you're raiding the town."

She grinned toothily at me. "Got. In." She took a step backwards, out the door - and in a moment, wasn't there anymore.

I closed and re-locked the door, and as I went back up to bed, I tried to think of how I was going to explain all this to Cheerilee in the morning.

---

It turned out I didn't have to - the two of us were awakened by a pounding on the front door, which turned out to be a guardspony, who reported that a diamond dog had been caught inside town - but had been carrying paperwork that complicated things, and my presence was being requested in town hall.

In the middle of town hall was 'my' diamond dog, who it seemed wasn't quite as good a ninja as she'd thought she was; surrounded by a whole passel of ponies pointing various weapons, farm implements, and the occasional random object at her... and at the basket at her feet.

Mayor Mare was adjusting her glasses, looking at the papers I'd written out, which described each pup, named them, named me as their official guardian by royal appointment, and that I was granting their birth-mother temporary custody. (After all, it wasn't like I was going to have been able to stop her, short of getting her killed.) "This is all very irregular," Mare was saying to a couple of other local-governmental ponies - none of whom looked to be happy to be dragged out of bed before Celestia's sun rose.

"And don't forget all those tunnels," pointed out one of them. "Who knows how many of them are waiting right under our feet to jump out at us?"

"Oh, there you are," said Mare. "I wanted to ask you-" I interrupted by hoofing her the paperwork I'd gotten Luna to have her court sign off on - while a verbal order from a Princess counted as a royal decree as much as anything else, it was a lot easier to deal with the various bureaucracies to have such things written down. Mare adjusted her glasses to read it, finally saying, "I see."

"Is she under arrest?" I gestured at the circle of ponies

"Well - as best as I can tell, she's wanted in connection with the kidnapping of... well, you."

"There's no mens rea. Where she's from, cows can't talk and aren't people - she wasn't trying to kidnap a person, she just found a loose cow wandering around. And I'm willing to drop any charges about that, since I'm pretty sure she's not going to make the same mistake again."

"There's also the matter of questioning her in regards to the slaver diamond dogs who escaped capture."

"Do you really think that she is going to be willing to say a single word that would betray her pack?"

"At the very least, she broke curfew!"

"... Alright, I'll give you that one." Ringo started crying, which set off the other three. "Excuse me," I said, and none-too-delicately shoved my way between a pony wielding a rake and one brandishing a bowling pin. "'Scuse me," I said more delicately to the diamond dog, and positioned myself above the basket - and all four pups immediately stopped crying as they latched on, the only sounds they made now that of noisy suckling. Yes, I'd been a cow for less then two months, and I still found simply being milked as embarrassing as all get-out, let alone being directly nursed from - but, at least this one time, I took that emotion and used it, standing in place, glaring at each and every pony around me. Almost all of them coughed and shuffled their hooves and found something very interesting to look at somewhere other than anywhere near where I was, and in short order, the only equines left were the bureaucrats and the actual guardsponies.

The Mayor coughed delicately. "Miss Missy," I decided not to correct her about forgetting that I was technically 'Doctor Missy', "we can't really allow anypony with a history of enslavement to simply wander through Ponyville unchecked. And while your... dedication to your... adopted... um... family... is commendable... well..."

"You're looking at this entirely the wrong way," I declared. "Assume for a moment that there are going to be some diamond dogs passing through the area every now and then. Wouldn't it be to Ponyville's advantage if there was a pack of diamond dogs already resident in the area, if that pack didn't do any enslaving, and kept out any diamond dogs who did? Even if there was no direct economic interaction, the simple increase in security would benefit every voting pony in the area."

Mayor Mare raised an eyebrow at me, but didn't object, so I turned to look at the adult canine I'd basically shoved away from her own pups. "From what I saw, your pack traveled a great distance to get here. I'm guessing none of you are enthused about the idea of traveling further. If all you have to do to stay, without being hunted and chased by ponies, is not enslave them... wouldn't that be worth that price? You don't have to feed the maws of dragons anymore - just yourselves, and that, I think, you can do without needing pony slaves."

I turned back to the Mayor. "If I'm wrong, and you let her go - then there's already her whole pack out there, and would one more member really make all that much difference? But if I'm right..."

A certain odor began wafting from the basket. I sighed, and looked back at the diamond dog whose name I still hadn't gotten. "I will admit there's at least one thing you can do for the pups better than I can. I only have hooves, while you have hands... kinda. Fingers, at least. Spare diapers and changing stuff are in the bottom of the basket."

I got another sharp-toothed smile from her. "Go. Right. Ahead."

I sighed, and as I started trying to get at the supplies without pulling the quartet from their breakfast, I muttered to her, "I'm going to take this into account when we negotiate visiting rights..."

Comments

[devas]

and oddly enough, the most offensive thing I found about the diamond mom was that she just delegated diaper changing duties to others

[Forevermore]

Did not see that coming, kind of expected Diamond Dogs to have a pack mentality, wherein the young are raised by the group as a whole rather than individual families.

[DataPacRat]

935359
One thing I try very hard to keep in mind in my writing is that everyone thinks they're the PC, the hero of their own tale; and not the background NPC of someone else's story.
Though I am willing to occasionally bend that for a cheap laugh...

935754
I'm assuming that while their behavior is inspired by various real-world canines, the species is sapient enough that groups from different places can develop cultures to do everyday tasks in different ways.

[AppleTank]

936318
Unless, of course, Missy manages to get a school to teach ponies to cast the spell, though it works only once in their life.

[Themaskedferret]

935754 I think that could still work, If the female is designated the babysitter she would still feel responsible for the pups and want to save them, even if she's not the birthmom. Which to me was kinda suggested when she didn't nurse them herself.

[World Theory]

I have yet to meet, or hear of, a person who enjoys changing dirty diapers. But if diaper duty is the most important issue that ends up being argued over, then that would be a relief.