Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Entrenchment

Fortunately, Ponyville's hospital was reasonably well-equipped to handle a broken leg. Unfortunately, even with magical medical assistance, I was going to be off my feet for a few days, in a wheelchair a lot like the one Twilight had when she was investigating Pinkie's Pinkie Sense. Had that happened yet? I wished I'd paid better attention to the episode lists.

While I was getting patched up, I had a doctor write and send a note for me: to have Micro send a pegasus with the packages, instead of just shipping them on the train, since I was in no shape to head back to Zecora's hut myself. I also didn't want to lose my potential advantage of knowing about Ponyville's possible future by getting events too mixed up, such as by introducing Zecora to Twilight too early. So I avoided getting any Ponyvillians involved in the Zecora business, and when he arrived, had that Canterlot outsider fly to her place, taking the things she'd asked for plus a relayed apology from me, and then bring back the potions she'd made for me... and not mention anything himself to any of the locals.

At the same time, I had another idea, and the patiently amused doctor wrote down my thoughts that if the stonifying ability of a cockatrice could be analyzed and harnessed, if it could be applied to non-living food as well as living creatures - then that could very well be exactly what we were looking for. A silo full of grain turned to stone wouldn't rot, wouldn't be eaten by parasprites, and so on. So her next task was to prep the lab for cockatrice-based experimentation, and if I wasn't back soon, to start looking for a way to get hold of a cockatrice to start experimenting with.

That night, instead of being stuck in a hospital bed, the docs wheeled me over to the barn - seemed they had some experience with insomniac lonely cattle. Since I was now trying to settle into my existence as Missy... I started paying more attention to the other cows as individuals, and not just background members of the herd. I tried learning their names, and distinguishing features - and while I was doing an extremely poor job, they let me know they appreciated the effort. I even tried paying attention to the gossip; seemed I'd missed the big story of the day while I was out in the forest, some passing griffon had made Pinkie break a Pinkie Promise, been raped by Rainbow Dash, and stolen a library book. I decided that gossip that obviously ridiculous was quite worth ignoring, and went to sleep.

---

Back in Canterlot the next day, I began setting things up for the long haul. While I worked through Twilight's learn-to-read program, I also hired an Earth pony, one Page Turner, to act as secretary, and, well, to read aloud what I couldn't read for myself yet; such as newspapers, so I could get a feel for what ordinary Equestrian society looked like, so that I might be able to tell when something actually unusual happened. I started making contacts among various of the Canterlot government agencies, ministries, secretariats, and other such departments, arranging for information to be sent to flow to my inbox. I wanted to ask Luna to give me some pointers on abacus use, since it was actually easier to slide beads on a string than to try to write with a hoof, but she was out that day - according to rumor, visiting Blueblood who was passing through Stalliongrad. I consulted with Micro Scope. I got ready to make and distribute some one-time pads, for when I knew enough Equestrian writing to be able to write them. I got filing cabinets set up for dossiers.

Put it all together, and what I was building was the nub of a core of an intelligence agency - an extremely small one, since I didn't have any idea about whether it was possible to trust any pony about my deepest reasons, and the less-deep reasons didn't let me officially justify hiring too many ponies - so I was holding out for the most trustworthy ones who could be found. The trouble there was that ponies like that were already in positions of trust. So I was having to teach myself, quickly, the political game, so I could try to find ways to convince the various local nobs that it was in their own best interests to let me have the ponies I needed...

... and then Blueblood returned.

---

To be honest, I can understand part of his reaction. I was an absolute newcomer to Canterlot society, and was in the process of forming a personal power-base that wasn't beholden to anyone below the Princesses themselves, let alone to him; and I hadn't been very quiet about the fact that I was hoping to get my hooves on some of the geographers who were part of a department he was the official head of.

On the other hoof, his reaction was entirely disproportionate to those causes - and he seemed extraordinarily offended that I was not only not a unicorn, but not any sort of pony at all.

---

It wasn't entirely obvious at first. I was still new enough to the whole backroom political process that an increase in the amount of stalling and refusal didn't register with me. But when ponies who'd happily agreed to pass along data to me, from fast-breaking updated news reports to simply adding my office's address to standard distribution lists, started clamming up... I was able to figure out that somepony was deliberately trying to shut me down. I was fortunate that Blueblood was such a complete prat - because while the bureaucrats he'd put pressure on grudgingly gave in to his demands, they also freely and cheerfully admitted to me who'd been doing the pressuring.

In fact, they were also happy to help me arrange for a personal one-on-one meeting, with promises that the two of us wouldn't be interrupted unless I wanted to be. That stallion had built up some serious ill-will among everyone he came in contact with. So I considered, and made a selection of preparations to ensure that no matter what Blueblood did, I'd be able to take the best advantage possible. That is, not to ensure that events would follow the one path to victory, but that all paths led to victory.

---

Blueblood was in the middle of his breakfast when I entered the dining room. He grunted, "Just set it on the table." I spat a folder full of papers next to his plate, and he frowned. "That's not the cream."

"No, it's not," I said, and he finally looked at me. I'd gone for my official-type outfit, the Blues Brothers suit.

"Ah. The milkmaid with delusions of grandeur."

"Really? You're starting with petty insults?"

"Nothing more or less than the truth."

"Then take this for the truth it is - it's in your own long-term self-interest to lay off."

"How could it possibly be in my interest to let someone like you divert resources from more important uses?"

"I'll try putting this in terms you understand. I'm one of those foolish people getting ready to risk my own neck to support the society which supports you. If I do what I need to do, you'll prosper; if I don't, you're making it that much more likely a disaster will impoverish both yourself and all the ponies whose backs you stand on."

"And I should just take your word for that?"

"I didn't expect you to - but I was hoping you'd be smart enough to check in with the Princesses before sabotaging one of their pet projects."

"As if they would truly take an interest in making better ice cream. Cake, perhaps interest Aunt Celestia."

I paused, and took another look at him. "Do you even know what I'm supposed to be doing?"

"Something about improving the dairy's foods." He yawned dramatically, waving his hoof in front of his mouth.

I facehoofed. "You were spending that much political capital, and you didn't even-!" I mentally chucked away three-quarters of my preparations, the ones which assumed at least a minimal modicum of intelligence on Blueblood's part. "

"Are you quite done here? I do have a hooficure appointment to get to."

"Not quite. I'll offer you a political carrot. I care more about what I'm doing than getting credit for it. Let me do my thing, the way I need to do it, and I'll be sure you get the accolades for whatever positive results come from it."

"Hm. Tempting, a bit. But I'd get even more credit if I run you out of town and take your whole department - such as it is - for myself."

My tail swished - not just angry that he was talking about taking my stuff away from me, but that he was too stupid to see how pointless and destructive this whole thing was.

"That assumes you can do anything with my group without me."

"Of course I can - I am a unicorn, bred for generations to manage the little ponies. And you - well, just look at you. You should be under the stairs at best, and even better out back eating the grass and making my cream."

I glared. "In that case, it's time to mention the stick I was hoping to avoid. Yes, I am a cow. I also know all the cows in the royal dairy - and am fast getting in touch with every herd across Equestria. If you really annoy me, do you think you will ever be able to trust any dairy-based food or drink brought to you?" A pocket in my suit contained some poison joke extract, just in case I felt the need to adulterate some of his food while I was there.

"Now that is an amusing threat - not quite amusing enough to make up for this dreadfully dull conversation, but better than nothing."

I ground my teeth - rather impressively, given their usual cud-grinding job - and grated out, "Very well, then. Don't think this is over, not by a long shot." I turned away from him, ignored his 'ta-ta', and as I took a couple of steps away from him, quietly muttered, "And here I was expecting the slavers and diamond-dogs to be my biggest problem."

Before I took another step, there was a clattering from the table, and the Prince galloped around in front of me. "Say that again," he demanded, in much shorter and sharper tones than his previous exaggerated Bahstahnian drawl.

"I said nothing I worthy of repeating. Even if I did, it was accidental, and not meant for your ears, you interfering parasite." It was his turn to grind his teeth, so I played out a little more line. "You've made it abundantly clear that you're more interested in stomping on those you consider your lessers - which puts you squarely in my crosshairs along with - well, you don't care who, now do you?"

It looked like I'd finally managed to kick enough sand out of the gears in his thick skull to get at least something resembling a thought process going. "You're not with the dairy at all, are you?"

I yanked hard to set the hook. "Well, we call ourselves The Dairy, these days, anyway." I made the capitalization very clear.

He wrinkled his nose, as if he'd bit into something sour - or come too close to a dairy's outhouse. "I need to go talk to Auntie Celestia."

Right on cue - because she'd been listening in the whole time - the Sun Princess walked in. "Good morning, my little nephew. Did I hear my name?"

I got a dirty look from Blueblood, which I accepted as the praise it indirectly was. He said, "Auntie - is she really working on something to deal with those nasty, dirty diamond dogs, like the ones who-" he glanced at me, and clammed up.

Celestia looked at him sadly. "Even if she were, this is not a good time to talk about it. I believe you have a hooficure appointment? But I will say that I would be most disappointed in you, were I to learn you had done anything at all to impede Missy's work at The Dairy." Celestia could pronounce capitals even better than I could.

Blueblood glared at me, looked at Celestia, had a whole series of expressions flash across his features, and then simply turned and left the room. I let out my held breath.

Celestia glanced at me as she lifted a spare strawberry covered with whipped cream from the table to nibble on. "Not entirely elegant - but I do not believe you will be troubled from that quarter any further."

I grimaced a little. "I could have been a lot more 'elegant' if he'd been smart enough to let me. And now that I've had practice, I should be able to be a lot subtler in the future." Especially since, in the future, I'd be able to collect even more information on the people I was dealing with; though knowing that Blueblood had recently been attacked and nearly kidnapped by diamond-dog slavers had let me get his goat.

"Tell me - would you really have carried through with your 'stick'?"

"If he pushed me far enough... the hard part would be arranging to target him and nopony else - but, yes, I'd be able to make sure he'd never be able to eat any milk-based product again without breaking out into blue spots, having his coat grow out into a floor-sweeping shag, or something even less enjoyable."

Celestia looked at the cream on her berry, and nonchalantly set it back on the table.

---

And with that hurdle out of the way, my arrangements started to go quite swimmingly again... at least, until Twilight's letter, of two days later, dropped a bombshell that scattered my whole plans to the winds.

Comments

[Cry Havoc]

As always...

nerdjunkies.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/brilliant.jpg

[DataPacRat]

802533
If you've read "Griffon the Griffon", then you should know exactly what the letter consists of.

[BlackWing]

"I even tried paying attention to the gossip; seemed I'd missed the big story of the day while I was out in the forest, some passing griffon had made Pinkie break a Pinkie Promise, been raped by Rainbow Dash, and stolen a library book. I decided that gossip that obviously ridiculous was quite worth ignoring, and went to sleep."

ALL OF MY YES!

[The Gentlemen]

okay, i'm on chapter 9, i have no business posting a comment that is not relevant to the current story line now, but wow. this i s a brilliant story, and it makes me squee because the person writing it is smart. now, when i find a story like this, it almost always only has about twenty chapters. i neglected to think about how long it was, so i got hooked, read until now, got curious how long this happy feeling would remain, and saw 85 chapters.

85 CHAPTERS!!!
YAY!!!

[DataPacRat]

1215245

[coandco]

Cake, perhaps interest Aunt Celestia."

This sentence doesn't parse. Is it supposed to be "Cake, perhaps, interests Aunt Celestia"?

[Ziper Ace]

Dang it why can’t I find any good MLP Comics of BlueBlood?
I actually want to know more about his character instead of a snobby brat!