Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Hidden Agenda

Safe Guard was none too pleased when I tracked him down and told him about my 'duels'.

He was even less pleased when I told him what I planned to do next.

---

The problem-space I had to deal with was initially large, but I had enough conclusions to narrow it down considerably.

First, the simple act of hiring 'Mutt and Jeff' indicated a certain minimal amount of competence by the hirer - and given the terms they'd been hired with, of ruthlessness. If the explosion on the Alicorn was related, then an even greater ruthlessness was indicated.

Second, there were only so many things I had done which, to a pony (or person) of that minimal competence, would warrant a response of that level. A mere passing insult to some noble boffin wasn't enough - with the chance that the Amazing Duo might not succeed, there had to be some definite and concrete gain that would have accrued by my having had holes poked into me. Something bigger than mere bureaucratic empire-building - Blueblood had already shown me the level ponies played at for those stakes, and this was something else entirely.

Assuming that the memory-charms the Princesses had been using had kept well, and assuming that I'd been able to keep my own secrets secret, I was only able to think of two motivations that could fit. One, revenge; most likely related to my near-rape and the de-stallioning; and two, profit, in that something I had done, or was doing, threatened to take a significant amount of bits away from somepony.

What Rudolfo told me, if it was true, not only narrowed down the motivation, but also pointed to the specific ponies. Of course, it would be rather foolish for me to take the unicorn's word at face value, so my plans not only had to deal with the ponies, but also confirm they were really the ones I had to worry about.

---

My first step was to talk to The Dairy's equivalent of Q section, to see if they could put together some Earth-inspired pieces of kit for me by morning.

My second was to write certain letters, and get them sent off - including a couple of 'in the event of my death' ones I really hoped wouldn't be needed.

My third was to hunt down Blueblood for a quick chat, which went something like this: "Blueblood, you know how your rooms on the Alicorn were blown up? I have a lead on how that happened, and am willing to investigate it, at no risk to yourself - but in exchange, I want to have dibs on it for when I need to travel fast."

My fourth was to get a good night's sleep... but since I didn't want to put the other cows in the royal dairy at any further risk, and since I still hadn't figured out how to fall asleep when on my own, I made a reluctant sort of proposal to Safe Guard, which included the words, "and I really mean sleep". With a roll of his eyes, he accepted, and the two of us spent the night in a Guard officer's quarters.

---

The next morning...

When I got up, I realized I'd neglected to make preparations to be milked. I thought about the milking machines waiting in the dairy - and I thought about the explosion on the Alicorn - and I reluctantly came to the conclusion that it would be safest if I avoided any pieces of machinery I was known to often use. Which meant that if I didn't want to spend the day with pain in my over-filled mammary glands distracting me, I'd have to make other arrangements. One option was to drink my own milk - but that idea still felt weird to me. So I made another carefully-phrased, cautious inquiry of Safe Guard, and got another eye-roll of agreement.

Telekinetic milking tickled.

Once that was done, and once I was able to look him in the face again without blushing, it was time to move on. I hit The Dairy to collect the kit, my traveling suit, and my new badge indicating I was a Royal Inspector. (The backside mentioned something about 'of Dairies, foodstuffs, and sundries', but I didn't have to show the backside if I didn't feel like it.) I thought about bringing along Red, or Page, or any of the other ponies I'd been collecting... but reluctantly concluded that if my plan worked out, I wouldn't need them; and if it didn't, then there'd be little they could do to help, and they'd be put in danger unnecessarily. So it was going to be just Safe Guard and me.

Or so I thought - as the two of us left The Dairy, we found the Terrific Paul and Great Rudolfo waiting for us in the dairy. Rudolfo explained, "I had a feeling you might try something like this. And since it's what I told you that made you do it - I'd hardly be able to say that I'd saved your life if you get yourself killed from it, now could I?"

Paul added, "What he said."

Safe Guard and I glanced at each other, and I decided that we wouldn't be in much more danger with these two along than without them - and at the least, I could modify my plan slightly so that they could help open a few doors. So our little party doubled in size...

... but Safe Guard insisted they walk in front of us, not behind.

---

It turned out that Rudolfo not only opened doors, but his word that I 'wanted to talk' sped us through layers of security it would have taken Safe Guard and I hours, at least, to push through - all the secretaries and assistants and bladder-flappers who take it as their job to prevent random strangers from interrupting the higher-ups they guard.

Eventually, we made it to the top - or, at least as close as we were going to get. With carefully muted fanfare, we were ushered into the presence of the eldest daughter of Her Grace, Alabaster Pillar, the Duchess of Roan (on the border with Gem Fido), who was a Viscountess in her own right. Marble Pillar was relaxing on a couch in her private garden, taking her breakfast, enjoying the crisp early morning sky marred by only a single cloud, with household guards discreetly in the background and multiple servants not-so-discreetly everywhere else. I refused various offers for foods and drinks - no need to tempt fate - as the quartet of us approached and stood before her.

"So," said Marble, languidly, "what might I possibly be able to do for the good Doctor and her friends today, that you went to such troubles to see me?"

I examined her pale white coat, white main, white horn, and near-invisible white cutie mark of a piece of classical architecture, and said, "While they may not have done what you asked," nodding at the two duelists, "I did get the message that you are unhappy with me. I don't feel like having to watch over my shoulder - so what would it take to prevent any more 'incidents'?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you-"

I held up a hoof with a sigh. "Please. We are both women of the world - and we both have other things we want to be spending our time on."

Marble turned her head to one of her guards, a unicorn who stepped forward. His horn glowed, ran over Safe Guard and me, and he stated, "No weapons, magic items or spells on any of them. A few obscure enchantments, but nothing that seems to be relevant."

He backed off, and Marble turned back to us with a rather sharper gleam in her eyes. "Since you seem to prefer a proletariat level of bluntness, I shall oblige. I know all about your secret group inside the dairy, and what it is for. I know why you are doing it, so I know I won't be able to convince you to stop. All I want is for you to put the whole thing under the direction of the part of the Equestrian Guard that is already tasked with looking into such matters."

Safe Guard stiffened, so I tried to distract from his reaction by saying, "I have several projects going on inside the dairy - which one are you referring to?"

Marble sniffed. "Don't be obtuse. Simply combine your investigations into raiding, the gem trade, slavery, and such with those in the Guard who already have expertise in such matters - and I am sure there will be no further 'incidents'."

Safe glanced at me, I nodded at him, then back at Marble. "I believe we are done here, then?", and started turning around.

"Not quite. Remove it." Several of her guards quickly approached, surrounding me; one reached inside my clothing, to which I strenuously objected - and removed the wire-recorder I had taped just in front of my udder. After a quick examination, this was passed to Marble. "Clever - a completely non-magical sound recording device, I believe?" I simply glared at her. "Astonishingly smaller than a phonograph - I could probably make quite a bit of money from examining it to determine how it works, and selling my own. But since I prefer not to risk this conversation becoming public..." Her horn glowed, and the aura crunched the kit-bashed piece of machinery into scrap, then small pieces, then powder. "There, that should suffice. Now we are done."

Safe Guard and I were escorted rather firmly out of the Viscountess's presence, and I commented to him, "I'm going to have to run a better background check on my techs."

---

Elsewhere...

Red bowed to Princess Luna. "Your Highness - this is something called a 'parabolic microphone', and this is a 'wire recorder'. I received them along with a letter from Missy, to fly to a certain location and use them to record a conversation..."

---

Shortly...

In Luna's presence myself, I continued explaining, "... are some of the largest importers of gems from the diamond dogs in the north. If The Dairy does manage to curtail the dogs' slave raids, that would at the least reduce the rate of production - and due to the fine balance of power with the dragons, may even lead to a complete stoppage. If - and this is still a conjecture, but it fits all the evidence - if Roam has used her gem-gained wealth to arrange payments, so that the portion of the Guard tasked with stopping such raiding is... ineffective, then The Dairy's existence as an independent entity is a threat to that income stream."

Luna was... very unhappy. "I find it difficult to believe that any of my little ponies would have so little love in their hearts that they would be willing to do anything of the sort."

"I know. I wish I had been able to get a more concrete confession - but I wish a lot of things. With the evidence we do have - do you at least agree that even if we can't simply convict the Duchess and Viscountess of treason, we at least have sufficient justification to... keep an eye on them, and to work to minimize how much they can interfere with The Dairy?"

"I believe I can accept that much. But what will you do about the Viscountess's demand?"

I smiled. "An experiment."

---

That evening, the Alicorn, repaired to functional order even if the royal bedchamber was still a blackened mess, gently glided through the air as its engines were tested. As it happened, its path took it directly above the Canterlot mansion of the Roamish noble family, who were having a private dinner to discuss extremely private matters. I double-checked the wind, our altitude, and the machinery... and pulled a handle.

Down from the airship drifted a fine mist, invisible, odorless, and generally undetectable - and consisting primarily of extract of poison joke, gently spritzing every pony there, as well as coating most of the plants and surfaces of the garden area.

I'd sent a letter to them, to be delivered in the middle of the night: "I am afraid that I must decline your suggested merger. Since this response would mean that you would likely escalate, I have taken the liberty of doing so first. A cure exists, I possess it, and I am willing to share it with you should you ask me politely for it. I will point out that I came up with this plan on less than a day's notice, without using any significant resources. Should you consider escalating further from this point, I will also point out that I am a completely mother-bucking crazy bitch who is entirely willing to kill you and your entire family should you press me and keep me from wiping the scum of slavery from Equestria - and that I have others ready to do so for me, should something mysteriously happen to me. Sincerely, Anonymous."

Comments

[Forevermore]

Bwahahahahahahaahahah that was bucking brilliant !

[DataPacRat]

866120
Not every chapter has to end with Missy in some new form of trouble.

[Sesquame]

...chemical warfare? Didn't know you had it in ya.

[AppleTank]

you didn't hit the random ponies out in the streets, did you? That would be mean of you not to consider the collateral damage.

Somewhere in the back alleys, with trash cans/bins

A bored looking trash pony, (grey-ish, broom for a cutie mark) with a bag of burnt wood chips from the Alicorn wandered in. He carefully looked around for any prying eyes, then transformed into a bored, somewhat scruffy human. He drags a random trash bin over, unsheathes his broom, dumps the wood chips in, then proceeds to mash the wood chips inside with his broom until they became brown goop and compost. He dumps the goop back into the bag, transforms back into a pony, opens a portal with his broom, and popped out behind a small store. He sealed the bag of compost shut by melting the opening and scrawls the word "The Janitor's brand Fertilizer" on the bag with a black marker. He goes into the store to sell the bag to the garden supplies store.

[DataPacRat]

866965
you didn't hit the random ponies out in the streets, did you? That would be mean of you not to consider the collateral damage.
That was why she was checking the wind - to ensure that her cargo would land within the bounds of her target area, and wasn't going to drift outside of it. (Feel free to assume that she did some off-screen testing and calculating beforehand to get the details right.)

a bag of burnt wood chips from the Alicorn
Hm... would this be an implication that unless she invents a whole lot more forensics, Missy is probably not going to be learning any more about the blast on the Alicorn?

[AppleTank]

867366
It was mostly discarded pieces that fell off, and wood chips from rebuilding parts of the ship

This guy was an idea I had, but didn't want to write it. I have a synopsis in the Comment thread I made.

[RealityDowngrade]

And with this installment you have officially made me believe you have, at least in part been influenced by this. Specifically when he visits the land of sand, where he has none of his powers but wit. This scares me, and for that I thank you, I do not feel fear very often, it is a wonderful emotion.

[DataPacRat]

1037824
I have read that, and do remember a number of details, from that particular sequence to the protagonist's final choice to fly into the infinite void; but I don't recall specifically thinking about any of it while writing this chapter. My initial draft was, in fact, going to be a dinner - then I had a forehead-slap moment as I realized that there was no way Missy would trust the food not to be poisoned, so I adjusted things until I came up with what you see here.

[Knighthawker]

Should you consider escalating further from this point, I will also point out that I am a completely mother-bucking crazy bitch who is entirely willing to kill you and your entire family should you press me and keep me from wiping the scum of slavery from Equestria - and that I have others ready to do so for me, should something mysteriously happen to me.

... Note to self, never go cow tipping.

[musicluvr1974]

1250590

... Note to self, never go cow tipping.

Not in Equestria, at any rate...!

[InMyMind]

I examined her pale white coat, white main, white horn, and near-invisible white cutie mark of a piece of classical architecture

Mane*, you mean?

Still love the story, still enjoy the interesting thought patterns employed by Missy.