• Published 21st Jun 2012
  • 15,170 Views, 1,404 Comments

Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me - DataPacRat



Not every human in equestria gets turned into a pony.

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Sucker-punch

"It's nothing to be upset over," Doctor Fluff said reassuringly. "I will admit that impregnation while still in full leche is rather uncommon - if I were you, I would have rather sharp words with whichever unicorn induced your lactation without properly balancing your remaining hormones."

"Doc."

"Since you have an independent income, we should be able to reduce your milk output in just a few days without causing any uterine disturbance - or, if you prefer to remain on active dairy duty, I can prescribe some nutritional supplements."

"Doc!"

"I have some pamphlets here on pre-natal care-"

"Doc!"

"Yes?"

"Could you please be a little more specific about why you think I'm pregnant?"

"Ah, of course. It's fairly simple, really. As part of my initial examination of you, last week, I checked your level of innate magic, by pressing a special crystal like this one against you, to measure it's glow. Here, I'll measure mine right now - see? That's about a seven, according to this pocket chart. Your first reading was, well, extremely low - but since you weren't dead, standard practice is to round up the reading to one-half. I double-checked that crystal on myself, just to make sure it wasn't the crystal not glowing. Today, your reading was about a three. The only time I have ever seen that big a jump in innate magic levels is when there's a new life in the mix - that is, a new baby growing inside you."

I facehoofed as she continued her explanation, finally managing to interrupt her again. "Doc! This is all very fascinating - but I'm not pregnant. I haven't even done anything which could get me pregnant."

"Are you sure? I have to admit that most curriculums are sadly deficient when it comes to describing certain innate, if embarrassing, biological facts-"

"Doc!" I took a breath and let it out, mostly to give myself time to think about how to give the vet an explanation that she would accept, but didn't reveal any of the growing set of secrets I seemed to be collecting. "My magic level is... well, I wasn't expecting it to change, but I'm fairly certain that it's just a side effect of some of the research I'm doing. Shouldn't be anything to worry about. I'll add some protocols to keep track of the magic levels of anyone involved, and take into account anything and everything you can tell me about what levels are safe. Fair enough."

She stared at me and blinked a few times. "Well, if you're sure you don't want the nutritional supplements, just in case..."

"I'm not pregnant!"


"Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Pregnant? You?"

My education into Equestrian writing had progressed to the point where I could safely use a restaurant's menu; and at the moment, I was entertaining an off-duty member of the Royal Guard, a pegasus named Frozen Cloud, who had a very Rainbow-Dash-ish sense of humour.

"Don't get me wrong, but the only way you'd have a calf was if the dad glued forms all over his body and stamped 'confidential' on his forehead!"

Okay, maybe not quite like Rainbow Dash.

I tried to join in with, "I'm not that bad. As long as he stretched some abacus strings between his horns."

"Well, he would have to have some big 'uns for that - but no, Missy, you're just not interested in anything that hasn't got a full set of foot-notes and end-notes."

"Mm... maybe you're right." I picked up my glass of apple juice, enjoying my ability to perform that simple act at least as much as the beverage. "I've got a lot on my plate at work, and even if I wanted to, I just don't have the time for... anything like a relationship."

"Who said anything about a relationship? I was just talking about bucking-" I interrupted with a cough, and she continued, "- great times being had by all." While 'The Hitching Post' might be the perfect place for ribald humor, I still wanted to keep certain of my delicate sensibilities intact, if possible, or at least only let them get bruised a bit. She continued, "You know, if it's because there aren't too many bully-boys around town, I could pass your name along to a few stallions I know who aren't averse to a little cross-species-"

So much for delicate sensibilities. "Anyway!" I cut off whatever she was going to say. "Anyway," I said again in a more normal tone, "I was really hoping we could talk about more than what goes on, or doesn't, on the far side of my udder."

"Hey, whaddaya know, she admits that there is something-" I coughed again. "Okay, okay, line drawn. So what's on your mind?"

"Backups."

"Come again?"

"When Plan A fails, and Plan B fails, and Plan Q fails, eventually you need a Plan Z."

"Oh, right. Backups. What about 'em?"

"I'm making 'em, and getting ready for 'em - but I can only do so much on my own, before what I'm doing starts bumping against what the Guard does."

"That's what your liaison is for, isn't it?"

"I'm thinking a bit bigger than just getting ready for an escaped cockatrice."

She tossed back her hard cider, and gestured to the peg-legged bartender for another. "Lemme guess. This's got something to do with that Dairy project you're not keeping that much of a secret?"

"Something like that," I admitted.

"So why not just head straight to the top, and talk to Shining Armor?"

I grimaced - there was absolutely no way I would even try to explain about 'major characters' and plotlines from another dimension. Before I got chucked into Equestria, I'd only heard the barest rumors about the forthcoming episode featuring Twilight's brother's wedding - and in the name of not fiddling with the timeline if I didn't have to, I'd been avoiding him. Probably moreso than I should have been, but now I was stuck with the consequences of that. "It's... complicated. It's nothing against him as a Guard, but - I'd rather try to work this out without him, if I can."

"You're going to have to do better than that."

I sighed. "I know, I know." For a moment, I considered taking advantage of the fact we were in a bar, and discovering if liquid courage really worked. But just for a moment - then I remembered how easy it really was for me to be able to stop thinking, if I wanted, and silently re-confirmed my decision to keep my brain cells as intact as possible. "To start with - I know his sister. She introduced me to the Princesses. But some of the information I'm dealing with... doesn't show her in the best light. Nothing that reflects on her as the Element of Magic, but... trying to convince her brother that his sister isn't perfect, and to act based on that... well, it seems easier to work out the plans with other ponies and then just get him to sign off on the finished product, without bothering him with all the little details about how the plans were hashed out."

"Mm. I guess I can see that. Not saying I agree with it, but I can see it."

We made arrangements for having a more formal meeting somewhere just a teensy bit more secure than a bar, and then with the actual business out of the way, I got to listen to Frozen Cloud's estimates and inferences about every single stallion who came into eyesight - and a few that didn't.


Even without cars, I got to play designated driver. Frozen Cloud was far too drunk to fly, and almost too drunk to walk. As a pegasus, she was pretty light, so we thought about just draping her across my back; but since she insisted on going home under her own power, she just leaned against me the whole way, with nothing worse happening than her tripping over her doorstep.

After I left her tucked into bed, and started heading back to the palace... things got worse.

I heard hoofsteps following me and some muttered conversation, which I do not deign to repeat in full - one of the least objectionable snippets was "She's just another milker. Who's she going to tell?"

I sighed, and turned to stare in the direction of the group, a quartet of unicorns. I said, "You really don't want to do this."

Two of their horns lit, their magic pulling my hind-hooves wide, then holding them in place.

As they came closer, sniggering, I politely inquired, "Do your mothers know what you're up to? Last chance."

They didn't stop, and as they came nearer, I saw something was funny about their eyes; it reminded me of that 'hearts and hooves day' episode... so on the off-chance that they were being brain-washed or the like, I decided to go for the rather less lethal Plan D-2 instead of going all out with Plan B-1.


"Missy the cow, you stand here accused of disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, assault, aggravated assault, assault and battery, aggravated battery, assault with a deadly weapon, assault with a deadly pie, assault causing grievous bodily harm, mayhem, practicing medicine without a license, and littering. How do you plead?"

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