Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Gesundheit

This is probably supposed to be the part where I jump to some mundane scene after we're all safe, and then go back to talking about how we escaped our impending doom. Or, perhaps, take a few moments to describe how I was focusing on accomplishing the task rather than feeling scared. Or lower the tension with some meta-fictional discussion about how these stories are put together before going back to the action scene, with danger and excitement and twists and turns and fantastic aerial maneuvers that would require either an immense special effects budget for modeling, or any recentish computer with a flight simulator.

Welp, I'm afraid that I'm going to disappoint you all.

I was pushing my side against the Mikoyan's bridges back doors to hold them shut against the flame, and was wondering if the warmth I was feeling was from the exertion or the burning hull. I was trying to figure out why none of the spells I'd tried on Stortrut had done anything. Then I smacked my brain upside the head as I realized that I was concluding too much from the data I had - the spells had only not had the effects I'd expected, which didn't necessarily mean they had no effect at all. The very fact that she was able to stay in the air with her massively undersized wings, compared to a non-magical aircraft, meant that at least some sorts of magic were affecting her. Which led to an idea for a new approach to keep ourselves from getting torn to shreds. Unfortunately, I'd only accomplished that trick once before, in calm and controlled conditions, and mostly by accident - and there was the minor matter of the balcony being on fire. I didn't have a decent fire-extinguishing charm worked out - though I made a mental note to work on one - so in order to get a good view of the dragon coming after us, I had to leave the door, gallop through the bridge and try not to bang into anyone doing the important work of keeping us in the air, call out to Red in passing to keep us at full speed, head out front, climb the stairs, stand underneath the rear airflow-sails which were rapidly being burnt away, and peer through the flames and smoke for the dragon.

And hope that this worked; I only had a half-dozen more backup plans if this one didn't work.

I didn't bother fiddling with the wands, just focused half my attention on the gems pressed into my hide by the harness; and the other half on the winged reptilian killer who could easily cut short any hope I had of making further improvements to Equestria... in particular, on whatever that fire-breather was doing to keep my magics from having their intended effect, and on enhancing and magnifying that whatever to apply to her own magic. I shouted out the words: "Nullus magicae!", followed by the various similar terms I'd tried out, in case any of them would help.

Nothing obvious seemed to happen - except that we started pulling ahead of the dragon. The deck also started tilting - the Mikoyan's nose was rising a few degrees, sending us into a climb, further away from Stortrut.

Red's voice came from the speaking tube. "Missy, we've got a problem!"

"Another one?"

"We're becoming rear-heavy. I'm sending crew to shift cargo forward - but even if we keep our balance, I'm not sure how long we can stay in the air."

I glanced up at the half-not-there horizontal sails over the stern, which normally acted like a bird's tail to keep us level; glanced down at the deck made of timbers enchanted to reduce their weight, which were now burning; and recalled my recent anti-magic spells. "I suggest you get us as far ahead of the dragon as you can, while you can... and when we're balanced, either get some firefighting crew up here, or skim the ocean so I can try some water magic."

Red didn't do quite as I suggested - which was fine, and why I'd made her captain. Our rear end was still dragging, even as crewponies shoved crates and boxes and barrels forward in the cargo hold; but Red started us descending anyway, to where our keel seemed to be occasionally slapping the wavetops.

I still didn't remember whether 'Hydro' was Latin and 'Aqua' was Greek, or the reverse. Aquarius was the 'water bearer', and while the constellations were from Greek myth, the names of a lot of them were in Latin - so I picked that one. I'd try 'hydro' if it didn't work. And 'extinguish' was a nice French type word, and I'd been using '-ere' to good success as the suffix for Latin commands; and 'igneous rocks' and 'ignition' suggested the Latin word for 'fire' was 'igni' something. So I tried putting together one of the more complicated Latin sentences I'd yet cobbled together from scratch: "Aqua: volare, et extinguere ignem!"

Blobs of water rose from the ocean, splattering against the Mikoyan's burning planks, sending up hisses of steam and smoke - and though it probably drained half of my gems, the ship ceased to be burning - smoldering and smoking, sure, but we weren't quite in danger of becoming pot-roasts.

And I'd done that myself, by using a magic spell.

I let myself take a moment to think, "Holy moly, that was freaking cool!" But, since I was still able to see Stortrut still gamely winging her way in our direction, I pulled on the speaking tube, letting Red know, "Fire's out - go for any altitude you want."

We started climbing again, and I walked toward the rear railing, careful about the hot wood under my hooves, to stare at the red-scaled dragon, and think. My normal magic spells hadn't affected her - or she was simply physically strong enough to overpower them. But the counter-magic spell had slowed her down some - so she wasn't simply immune to it. Maybe instead of trying to use magic directly on her, I could try magicing her environment, maybe create a distraction? Unfortunately, up here in the air, I didn't have much to work with but air... which, of course, offered the obvious possibility of fiddling with my recent scent-creation spell. Well, I did happen to remember the botanical names of a few interesting plants, so I tried one of the classics first:

"Fiat odore piper nigrum!"

I was guessing that since detecting scents involved detecting chemicals in the air, the 'let there be the scent of whatever' spell was creating (or rearranging local molecules, or teleporting; the details didn't happen to matter at the moment) those actual physical chemicals. And since visualization played a part in how these spells seemed to work, I was imagining the creation of a cloud of particles, instead of, say, an invisible cloud of individual molecules, or the appearance of full peppercorns.

To my delight, all those hours I'd spent watching black-and-white lowbrow comedy films now paid off in full... for Stortrut slowed further, as her regular wingbeats were interrupted as she sneezed, repeatedly.

Unfortunately, that only lasted a few dozen sneezes, before she cleared her sinuses and was back to her regular chase again. So it looked like that was only a proof of principle - I hadn't been able to cast spells on things I couldn't see, so it wouldn't be enough to let us pull out of her sight. What we really needed was a way to get her to stop wanting to come and kill us all. Unfortunately, there weren't too many ways to use scent to make a creature want to do something - and even fewer that I had any ideas of a Latin term for.

... except for one.

I wasn't sure I wanted to try it at all; there were all sorts of possible complications and side-effects. But given the choice between an untested spell and having my quest end by becoming a dragon's lunch... well, all's fair in love and war.

"Fiat odore oestrum!" And for good measure, I tried enchanting her directly with "Oestrus maximus!"

... and she shuddered, and turned away from us, toward the shore. She dove to the water, and rose from it carrying the wiggling shape of a panicked dolphin, which she carried with her off into the distance.

I hoped she planned to eat it.

I realized that I was going to have to come up with some rather creative spin on this, if I ever wanted to be able to tell the tale of how I defeated a dragon without slaying it - at least, without having a stroke from all the blood that would be rushing to my head from the embarrassment.

---

Since there was no guarantee about how long Stortrut would stay distracted, we decided to skip spending any time in her territory at all, and just kept flying along the coast toward her border. I told both Red and Blanche the details, but everyone else just got a mysterious silent smile when they asked how I'd done it. (A couple of the crew started up a betting pool, but when I explained that the actual reason involved classified information that we shouldn't let any potential opponents be aware of, they agreed to take it back down.)

The crew put up a replacement rear sail, which helped with our balance issues some, but didn't solve them entirely. Micro and I spent some time closely examining the ship, in particular its timbers. I was mildly relieved when she informed me that it was the fire that had eaten away at their lift-enchantment, not my spells; and quite unhappy when she pointed out that we didn't have the right trees, tools, magicians, or ship-wrights to build more magically lightened lumber. Given that we'd have to make the most of what we had, I pulled out my earlier notes for the spells I'd used to heal Blanche and the Musketeers, I tried applying some of them to the ship itself, pouring all the magic that our crew's unicorns could pump into the gems into the ship itself... and oddly enough, 'reparere' seemed to do some good. It didn't add any mass to burned timbers - but with the right visualizations, it did seem to help turn charred wood back into proper load-bearing beams again, after which some further fiddling let us pour gem-magic into the wood to revitalize the lift spells therein. There were some planks that were unrecoverable; we had to replace them with ordinary wood, and so the ship's center of mass was permanently moved back a few inches. But since the Mikoyan had been built so that the pilot and loadmaster could handle the masses of the crew wandering back and forth, the change was well within the ship's capacity to handle - though it did mean we'd permanently eaten up a bit of that capacity.

If we let this sort of thing happen too often, we'd lose more and more of the ship, which would make it that much easier to lose more the next time, until we were shipless and stuck here.

---

I was at the bow of the ship, leaning on the railing - I could have spread my arms and shouted "I'm queen of the world!", but then I'd have had to shoot myself in the name of good taste. I was rolling my latest wand from one hoof to another, and trying to think, when I heard the sound of clawed feet on the wooden deck. Turning just enough to see who it was, I said, "Hey, Ursula. Moe-shed?", meaning, 'Hey, Ursula. What's up?'.

"Guten sover," she said, and tried translating her own words, "Brat sleeps." Back in her native tongue, she commented, "Ya har endlig fi let teed fer mieg selv."

I sighed, pulled out the translation wand and invoked it. "I really need to find someone who speaks both languages to be a teacher - or even a full-time translator."

'You seem to be doing alright with what you have.'

"'Seem' being the operative word. We came a lot closer to destruction than we should have. If what finally worked, hadn't, I still had a few tricks up my sleeves - but they all come at higher and higher costs. And as I'm trying to think of what we can do to deal with similar situations in the future... well, there are costs to that, too, and I'm trying to figure out if they're worth paying."

She leaned back against the rail comfortably, and asked 'What sort of costs are you talking about?'

"Well... here's an example." I held up the wand I'd been looking at; it was pink, and the mildest sigil I'd painted onto it was a heart. "With a bit of instruction, you could use this wand as well as I. With further instruction, you could build your own wands, and sell them - or even give them away, so that anyone or everyone could cast this magic on another."

'It looks like it makes some sort of love spell.'

"Similar, but a lot cruder. I'll put it this way - if I was interested in cash, I could arrange to sell this to wealthy older gentlemen whose spirit is willing, but flesh is weak, and make myself a fortune. I'm imagining teenage boys getting hold of this - or outright criminals. This one wand alone could reshape entire, fundamental aspects of society... and not necessarily for the better."

'Then the answer is simple.' She reached for the wand, and I let her take it from my hoof... and with a slight twitch, she tossed it over the side.

I sighed, pulled out a different wand, and said "Volare." As the wand floated back up to us, I said, "No need for that - I can destroy the wand and use the gem for other purposes."

'Then do that.'

"If things were that simple - I would. But doing that has a cost, too. I have a task before me, which, if I succeed, will save countless lives - and if I do succeed, the benefits from doing that will far outweigh whatever disruption this wand can create. But that doesn't mean the disruption won't exist - and if there is some way to minimize it, or even prevent it from happening, that's worth trying for, too. If I was smarter - if I was really the genius I play to impress everyone, instead of just someone who's had the good fortune to have the opportunity to learn certain things - then I should be able to figure all this out in a moment. But part of playing the genius tomorrow means spending tonight coming up with as many answers as I can, so I've got them ready when I need them."

'You are a very silly talking cow. Or a very silly whatever it is you are.'

"I don't doubt it. Anything in particular you have in mind?"

'You have just defeated a dragon, even if it is just a temporary defeat. You should not be spending your time moping about and thinking sadly about the things you cannot think of. Tomorrow you will die. Or maybe I will. There are no bulls aboard, but you should go pick a stallion, of whatever species is available, and enjoy them. Or a mare, if you prefer. If they are uncertain, use your magic on them."

"No magic. I've been caught up in too many love spells already. ... and if that's such a good idea, why aren't you doing it yourself?"

'What makes you think I'm not?'

"Oh. ... Er..."

Instead of saying anything, she put one massive, clawed hand behind my head, and pulled my muzzle towards hers, giving me a fast kiss.

When she broke it, I blinked, and she sighed. 'So much for that idea.'

"Well - you're a very nice-looking bear and everything, but..."

'Stop overthinking. If you will not use magic, and if there is no spark, there is no spark. You were my first choice - but there are some nice-looking stallions. I will go find one now. And you - if not me, then find somebody who can keep your brain too distracted from turning in useless circles.'

"There is somepony - she's just back home."

'Then find some'pony' here.' She stood back up, and wandered back inside the ship. I wondered which of the crew she'd aim for - and whether they'd let her succeed. I saluted her with the wand, wishing her luck.

---

After some further thought, though on rather different tracks then before... including remembering a rather embarrassing incident with a certain princess.

"Say, Amethyst? I've had a busy day, with lots of soot and smoke and so on... and your hands are a lot more dextrous than my hooves... if I were to manage to put together a bubble bath, would you want to join me?"

Comments

[Tay the Chemist]

Hold on, I want to be absolutely sure of this. Did Missy just get rid of a dragon by making it horny/ go into heat?
Imagine what she could do if she drank dragon blood, like Griffin did.

[devas]

dun dun DUN!

if this were a teenage shipping story, this new development would be were the shit hits the fan (and the dragon would be a footnote).
As it stands....well, thank goodness people are slightly more realistic

[DataPacRat]

1295864
Due to my attempt to keep from crossing the line into Mature territory, I'm afraid that any positive answer I give would be taken amiss, so I won't be doing so.

On another note, the word 'oestrus' comes from the Latin for 'gadfly', and metaphorically for being stung into, depending on your dictionary a 'frenzy', 'mad impulse', or the like.

Imagine what she could do if she drank dragon blood, like Griffin did.
I do plan on Missy pushing her magical limits further than they've yet been explored, in this arc.

1295878
The two of them live in what's effectively a nudist's colony, and kinda-sorta-in-a-weird-way share offspring, and have gone through several adventures together. How implausible is it that when Missy asks for help scrubbing her back, she means it completely literally?

[devas]

1295892

According to storytelling tropes, the plausibility of that is nil :-P

According to...well, how people actually behave in the real world....who knows?

[terrycloth]

1295902 Of course, Equestria runs on storytelling tropes.

[I Thought I Was Toast]

a rather awkward method of beating a dragon, but it never ceases to amaze how passive yet effective Missy's methods are...

[Destructorspace]

I didn't have a decide fire-extinguishing charm worked out

Decent, I presume?

Also, I pity that poor dolphin more if it isn't getting eaten, something which is kinda rare - fate worse than death. Although it would probably die fairly quickly in that usage... I need to distract myself from these horrible thoughts. Ummm. Yeah, I'll just stop talking instead, and go read something else now.

[Doctor Whooves]

I sincerly hope that dolphins aren't sentient in this area.

[AppleTank]

Speechless.
I have no idea why I typed this.

[DataPacRat]

1298723
But... Are you a good speechless or a bad speechless?

[Corona Blaze]

1296773 if it ISN'T being eaten..well, it's a good way to go....

[lamphobic]

1295864>>1295892
Sorta technically didn't she drink cockatrice blood which sorta technically counts as a type of dragons blood?

[DataPacRat]

1395326
Sortatechnically, I suppose. But if you want to get sortatechnical about it, I'm presuming that the cockatrice has drifted far enough from the standard dragon phenotype that, while it's blood can be long-term poisonous to those who drink it, when prepared properly - such as, say, by a skilled Zebra shamaness - the mana doesn't get dumped straight into the user's meridians, but is instead kept focused and channeled to maintain the cockatrice's usual aspect to that mana, only awaiting the appropriate trigger to activate. Which, if you've read this far, you got to see happen.

[_CheckMate_]

>> Urala Alaha >> DataPacRat
Sorta technically didn't she drink cockatrice blood which sorta technically counts as a type of dragons blood?

well technically the cockatrice was dead and since dead dragon blood does not have the same effect, i would assume that the results would be nil to none

[ANTIcarrot]

8I hoped she planned to eat it.
What a horribly nasty minded ... cow. Unless I'm missing something important here...
Whether or not Dolphins can talk, and whether or not they can think (the two are not canon inclusive) then wishing painful death on any living feeling creature is a vile thing to think, especially when the alternative is simply (at worst) embarassed confusion followed by being dumped back in the sea.

I like rationalist fiction, but this thought, and the thinking that presumably underline it, appear to be deeply irrational.

[mrturbodk]

i applaud your choice of language used by the ursula and other s from there. specially when it's one's own native language.