Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Research Ethics

"So," I said, "with the costs of guarding, of raiding, the risk of escape and of punitive raids - is holding ponies enslaved really worth all the effort?"

Amethyst tilted her head, and replied, simply, as was her wont, "Yes."

I resisted the urge to facehoof. "Then how about this - wouldn't you be able to get a lot more work out of ponies who were happy with the job they were doing, and save a lot of costs if you didn't have to keep watch over them and constantly acquire replacements?"

"Maybe. But. Ponies. Hate. Digging."

"Ponies are willing to do a lot of things they hate, if you pay them for it."

"Pay?"

"Yes, it'll increase your costs compared to enslaving them - but it should be less than your current expenditures."

"Ponies. Hate. Dogs. Too."

"Most dogs, yes - but a lot of ponies are willing to change their minds about individuals. And your pack, with its peace agreement, has the unique opportunity to convince ponies to like you more than before."

She finished gathering up the quartet from my udder. "Will. Talk. To. Alpha."

"Please do." I'd hoped for a bit of a stronger positive response, but this was about the best I could realistically have expected - after all, she was from a culture in which slavery had been a successful adaptation for, as best I could tell, centuries, while I was proposing what was, to them, an untried, untested, and generally risky new way of doing things. The fact that they'd been willing to relocate in search of better opportunities, and that they'd been sane enough to not fight to the death against a mass of Guard ponies, was what gave me any hope at all - but it was still going to be a long upward struggle to pull the birth-mother of my semi-adopted pups into the Enlightenment.

---

In the new digs under the Sweet Apple Acres barn, in the securest location outside of Canterlot, hopefully proof even against CMC Ninjas, I'd gathered the newly-promoted Safe Guard along with Micro Scope.

"Now that the two of you are cleared," I said, "either or both of you are now able to take over this level of the Dairy's operations in case I become incapacitated. Which means that I don't have to treat my life as being the most important thing in Equestria, and can take reasonable risks, when the chance and scale of reward is sufficient."

Safe, "You're not planning on doing anything foolish, I trust?"

I shook my head. "Nothing of the sort - but if an opportunity arises in which I can be the best Dairy agent to investigate something, I just might be willing to head out and do more than be the spider lurking in the middle of my web."

Micro, "Nothing wrong with that - arachnids are some of the loveliest creatures around, when you can get up close to look at them."

"I'm sure they are - but they're not the topic of today's meeting, unless you've got some sort of species slaver-killing super-spider to unleash...?"

Micro, "Nothing so dramatic."

"Alrighty, then. After poring through as much of the information collected by the Dairy as I can, there seem to be two items which might be worth my while to personally investigate. One of them is somewhat broad and general - something's stirring up the diamond dogs, enough so that our new neighbors decided that a long journey across half of Equestria, into an unknown location, was preferable to staying where they were. Something that can make them that unhappy is something it could be useful to have explicitly on our side."

At their nods, I continued, "Secondly - after examining the ancient castle of the royal pony sisters, and checking various geographical references, I've found what seems to be an unknown and unusual geographic location, in the middle of the Great Southern Rainforest - a site which may have some sort of connection to the Elements of Harmony, the most powerful magic in Equestria. The more that we know about the Elements, the better they can be applied, making them more useful even if not any more powerful. So my playing Daring Do might also be a sufficiently valuable use of my time."

Micro, "Why not hire Daring Do herself? She's supposed to be somewhere in that forest. And if not her, there are plenty of pony archaeologists who wouldn't mind taking a crack at it."

"Because of this." I took out a locked wooden box, twisted a key, pressed on certain secret points to engage one set of latches rather than another - and opened it to reveal the necklace. "This may very well be linked to the known Elements of Harmony - and the way I discovered it implies that it might be as connected to me as any of the Elements are to their Bearers. So to have the best chance of figuring out more about the Elements - this, and I, should be part of any such investigation."

Safe, "Are you asking us to help you pick which one to go look at?"

I grimaced. "Not... exactly. Before I even think about investigating either item, there's another piece of fundamental information I need to get a hold of - and depending on what it is, I might not be able to do either." I sighed. "Equestrian cattle are as smart as ponies. Extra-equestrian cattle are as almost as dumb as rocks. Since there's probably been some migration of cows either way over the centuries, this suggests that whatever the difference is, it could easily affect existing beings. That is, there is a small, but very non-zero chance that if I ever leave Equestria, I will instantly lose all sapience - becoming nothing more than a mindless animal, all that makes me 'me' ceasing to be."

Safe frowned. "That doesn't seem very likely."

"Say that there was a one-in-a-hundred chance that if you crossed a certain bridge, your head would get chopped off. Would you be happy to trot across it?"

Safe, "I suppose I take your point. So are we here to be prepared if you go mindless?"

"I... hope not. I'm actually here to get your advice on an ethical question."

Micro, "'Ethical'?"

"When the potential negative side-effects include the possible extinction of self, is it ethical to use sapient research subjects, even if they are fully-informed, voluntary, and being extremely well-paid?"

Micro: "Surely somebody's tried looking into this before."

"If they have, I haven't been able to dig up the results."

Safe, "If such information isn't in the libraries or archives - perhaps you could ask one of the Princesses?"

"I think they've been a little put out with me since I pulled off my impossible day - ask me later and I'll explain why - so I've been trying to fly under their radar lately."

Safe: "What's 'radar'?"

"Uh... beneath their notice, then."

Safe: "So - on the one hoof, you have a possible experiment which may risk lives; and on the other, you might be able to avoid having to do the experiment at all by being uncomfortable when you ask some questions. I think it's pretty clear what the ethical choice is."

"... I can't think of a single reason you're wrong."

---

"Hi, Spike!"

"Hey, Missy." While Ponyville's library didn't have any of the secret or esoteric texts from the Royal Archives, or the Pillar family collection, it still had plenty of general references that helped fill in background information on Equestria for me. So since Twilight had seen fit to leave the little dragon behind when she went off looking for Griffin, I'd ended up becoming one of his biggest customers. "Ready for that history book on Pegasopolis yet?"

"I'm still digesting the one on Unicornia. Actually, I was wondering if you might be willing to take a letter..."

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am thinking of running some errands outside of Equestria's borders. However, I have heard that that might not be the best for my mental health. Do you think that learning new things is worth the stress and risk?

Hopefully,
Missy

In merely a few minutes, during which I was trying to untangle how the various noble titles of ancient Unicornia had evolved from actual descriptions of jobs to various iterations of ranked hierarchies, Spike belched out a reply.

Dear Missy,

New knowledge is almost always worth a little trouble. Still, why don't you come for a visit before you go very far?

P.S.: You can let Spike know that my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, and her friends, are now on their way back to Ponyville.

Your friend,
Celestia

When I read the second line, I got a rather loud cheer from the baby dragon - who immediately started panicking about all the chores he'd been leaving undone, and dove into a pile of checklists to find one he could use. I discreetly made my retreat.

---

It seemed like Princess Celestia would be willing to provide the information, so I didn't worry about getting any of her memory charms removed, and kept the conversation focused on the slavery-fighting level of the Dairy. I was also rather hesitant to talk about the possible seventh Element, so decided not to bring it up just now, and instead talked about possibly investigating the disruptions to extra-Equestrian diamond dog packs as my motivation.

"... and so I'd rather work to outfit a non-bovine expedition than go myself, if I wouldn't actually be able to contribute anything useful."

"My little cow," she said, a phrase that sounded rather odd on the ears even in her gentle tones, "you need not worry quite so much about this. The reason the information you seek is not in the public libraries is to help protect bulls and cows such as yourself. Unlike most Children of the Alicorn, you live best when swimming in the sea of ambient magic, but you are quite capable of living without it. An Equestrian cow who becomes gravid outside of Equestria's magic may not have sufficient magic in her body's meridians for the baby's brain to grow into full personhood; but a cow who comes into Equestria from outside will soon have more than enough magic flowing within her for any calves she bears to be as intelligent as any other Equestrian cattle."

"... It must be a bit odd, to grow up as an intelligent cow with a non-intelligent mother. Still, I'm not planning on having any family any time soon, if ever, so I shouldn't need to worry about that, right?"

"Your mind does not depend on magic, merely on your brain, so leaving Equestria does not mean that you will instantly lose your intelligence. However - your brain's good health does depend on a certain level of magical flow running through it... but, fortunately, all cattle are very good at storing a great deal of magical power within your meridians, and so you can spend weeks at a time outside of Equestria's borders without even noticing the slightest decrease in that flow - which would happen long before such reduced flow harms the functioning of your brain. Still - I would recommend that you return to Equestria as soon as your business outside it is complete. And that you not breathe a word of this to anypony else, and think very hard about even telling other cows."

I wasn't sure whether I bought the idea of magical 'meridians' flowing through my body, but given the existence of magic at all, I wasn't willing to rule it out, especially if it made useful predictions, such as how to keep my brain and mind in good working order.

I also didn't want to bring up the fact that, not too long ago, I really had exhausted all my magic in just a few moments... so I was going to have to make my own arrangements to deal with such a situation. Maybe I could do something with the crystals - if I could use my horns to pump magic into them, maybe I could find a way to drain the magic back out to refill my 'meridians'. Failing that... maybe I could find an excuse to bring a few willing cows along, so that if my own magic reserves were emptied, we could all form a quick circle to replenish them.

Or some other solution - now that I had at least a general idea of at least a rough theory, I had enough leverage to explore all the options available... and I didn't even have to ask for volunteers to serve as experimental test subjects for investigations of unknown levels of lethality.

Hopefully, I never would.

And in the meantime - Onwards, For Science!

Comments

[Forevermore]

At some point Missy is going to say "Do it for science!" and I'm just going to fall off my chair laughing

[AppleTank]

We do what we must. Why? Because we can, for those who are still alive to benefit.

[JadeCriminal]

Is ti my turn to mention cake and perseverance?

Heniways

Nice chapter. Good point selling non-slavery to Diamond Dogs.

And hey! Look! independent research into magic storing capability of gems!

[RealityDowngrade]

"For Science!" nothing can go wrong now (because whatever happens after a phrase like that will only act as information to be sorted through afterwards)
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/286/7/2/for_great_science_by_gladosy-d4cro0l.jpg

[Jane]

All this talk of circles reminds me of Full Metal Alchemist.

[Knighthawker]

Science isnt about "WHY"! Its about "WHY NOT?!"

Infact, why not invent yourself a special safety door that won't hit you inthe plot on the way out because YOU ARE FIRED!

Not you Micro, your doing fine.

Yes you, box, your stuff, out the front door, parking lot, carriage, goodbye.

[World Theory]

Has Missy forgotten to mention the crystal and wire thing to Granny Loco? I thought that I remember reading that she had decided to ask Granny about that.