Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Packing

Back on Earth, every so often I'd get the urge to just drop everything and leave. Hike, bike, or hitch-hike; with nothing but what was in my pockets, or my bug-out bag, or everything I owned in a trailer... something just pushed me to want to go. I'd only immediately given in to such impulses on rare occasions - which formed a couple of rather parent-worrying incidents in my youth - but had, over the years, channeled that general feeling into learning how to hike-camp. I'd even figured out how to do a sort of moving meditation, able to clear my mind fairly well after just a few kilometers.

Once Red and I were kicked out of the prison, I still had that feeling of wanting to leave, to hit the road. Not just any road - one hour I'd feel a pull to the far west, another the near north caught my attention. I kept finding myself rationalizing, looking for reasons to justify setting my target-of-the-moment as the destination for a journey, only to work on a brand-new set of just-as-attractive reasons once the place I wanted to go to shifted. Since that was obviously no way to make an actual decision, I avoided my own oddly changing biases by the simple expedient of passing the buck. As part of the agenda for seeing how far The Dairy went off the rails while I was gone, I added a note about seeking input about the first actual field trip.

It was an interesting discussion, in its way; I was able to help the staff get a better idea of The Dairy's overall mission criteria, and I was able to get some fascinating suggestions about things we could try to do - and places where a personal visit could elicit the most potential benefit.

---

Besides making some pegasus-based suggestions, Red did give me one further idea for a piece of gear to whip up before we headed out. I had my suits modified to hide not just one, but two hoof-controlled pieces of weaponry. For in addition to packing heat, I was going to be packing heat: a spray bottle filled with concentrated chili pepper extract. Having a handgun - oh, very well, hoofgun - gave me one force option, but it was a rather strong one. Pepper spray gave me another one, for those situations when I wanted to deter somepony without killing them. Would have given me a way to deal with my attackers without going to the extremes that had landed me in prison.

There was, however, one piece of gear I was completely unable to lay my hoofs on: an airship. Having one would make it a lot easier to travel, without being limited to the few existing railways. However, even with governmental backing, I only had so much in my budget - and airships were expensive enough to only be the playthings of Fancy Pants or Blueblood. I'd been focusing my pocket-empire-building efforts in the bureaucracy, and hadn't made any in-roads into high society; and while I might have nudged Blueblood into being a neutral bystander than an enemy, the de-stallioning incident had probably put me on the bad side of the rest of the local titled noble families.

Since, oddly enough, Blueblood was the closest thing I had to a contact in those circles, I made a formal-and-polite request to talk with him, and he stiffly-but-politely accepted. I entered his study, a classic Victorian brag-fest, the only thing missing being various taxidermied creatures. "Missy," he nodded to me from behind his over-sized desk.

"Blueblood," I nodded back.

"That's Prince Blueblood," he said sharply.

"Then that's Doctor Missy."

"You can't expect-" he started, then cut himself off, closed his eyes, took a breath, and opened them. Interesting. "Please accept my apologies, Doctor Missy. I was unaware of your matriculation."

"That's quite all right, Your Highness."

He placed his forehooves together on top of his desk. "Now then - what can I do for you today?"

"I could use an airship. I understand that your social circles tend to contain the ponies who own them. I was wondering whether you could help me get my hooves on one."

"I'm afraid that's quite out of the question."

"Very well, then. Thank you for your time."

Business concluded, I started rotating my bulk to head back out, when I heard a confused, "What? Wait!" I turned back to look at him, and tilted my head. He said, "You're not going to - that is, that's all you wanted to ask me?"

"It's all I'd planned to, yes."

He rubbed his head, just under his horn. "Doctor - if you have a few minutes, please sit down."

I raised an eyebrow, but was curious enough about his out-of-character behavior to want to see what happened next, so I complied. This was his show, so I didn't say a word, to see what he would do.

It took him a few moments to realize that I wasn't going to ask him anything, so he sighed, and said, "Princess Celestia has said that I would do well to give you the respect due to a foreign dignitary of uncertain rank, perhaps somewhere between Knight of the Realm and Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary."

"Hm... I think I can see why she would have said something of the sort."

He was obviously holding himself under careful control. "Perhaps if you told me more about what you needed a sky-vessel for, I might be able to do something for you."

An entirely reasonable question. "There are a number of sites which I intend to investigate, from Manehattan to Appeloosa. If I have access to an airship, I can set my itinerary up one way; without one, I need to make other, much slower plans."

He rubbed his chin. "In that case - I should probably inform you that several airships have been sent to assist with an outbreak of hydras in the south, and most of the remainder have had their schedules stretched to cover the gaps. Even new construction is being rushed, such as the largest and most luxurious vessel ever to be built, for its maiden voyage across the Ring Sea, simply to free up the construction capacity to build more."

I winced a little, and muttered to myself, "Sounds like a real Hinden-tanic."

"Hm?"

"Don't worry about it."

"Hm..." He levitated a quill and made a quick note off to the side, before returning his focus to me. "Where was I... yes. Due to the chaos, there are nearly no airships which can be directed to an arbitrary route, and those which can are dedicated to specific purposes."

I nodded. "You have been... unexpectedly informative, and I appreciate your taking the time from your busy schedule to let me know all this."

He winced as if I'd struck him. "I hope that your... experience has not given you a false impression about Equestrian nobility."

"... Let's just say that it is part of an overall pattern I recognize."

"That hardly seems likely."

"Blueblood - you need to understand one thing about me if you want to have a useful conversation. I view lying as an act of violence roughly equivalent to slashing your car...t's suspension. But unless violence is already required, or if I need to do so to save a life - I do not lie. Don't think I even bluff." I stared at him coldly, until he looked away.

He frowned, then glanced around the room, at the bookshelves and knick-nacks. "She isn't listening in and waiting to pounce again, is she?"

Curiouser and curiouser. "I didn't make any arrangements this time, but she might be listening on her own accord."

He nodded calmly. "She's more likely enjoying some of your cheesecake, at this time, then."

'My' cheeseca-? Oh, right. I fought down a blush, and slightly rattled, asked, "Why do you ask?"

"There was something else that she said about you. And me." My eyes widened in horror, and he shook his head. "No, nothing like that. She said she was... disappointed in me. That I... lacked something vital to ensuring the future of my bloodline... and that if I was smart, you might be able to help me find it."

Ah. Now I saw the direction Celestia's hoof was nudging things. But since I couldn't make Blueblood live through the same day thousands of times, or send him back to magic kindergarten, if I was going to do anything of the sort, it was going to be my way.

As I was figuring that out, Blueblood was continuing, "So perhaps if I were to locate some alternative transportation for you, you might be willing to engage in some quid pro quo...?"

I held up my hoof, frowning. "It's not... that simple. I believe I know what she was referring to; but simply telling you what it is would do you no good, as you would either not believe me, or not understand. You are missing... certain underlying information, of a sort that I don't believe I can teach you by simply talking about it. Given what I know of your life - you would have to not just listen, but do certain things you would currently find incomprehensible and pointless."

He was looking at me sharply. "So you can help me, but won't."

I snorted. "On the contrary. Maybe I'm mistaken. So let's try the fast fix - if you can let go enough to do this, then maybe... So. Go out, take the first beggar you can find, take him or her home, feed them, give them a few hundred bits, and help them find a job."

"What?"

"Right now. Chop-chop."

"But," he frowned, "the first beggar? What if he's... well... unsanitary?"

I sighed. "And time's up. Sorry - there's no easy fix for what ails you."

"But there is a fix."

"Yes."

"And you know what it is."

"I... think I do."

"And you can help me with it."

"Er. I'll put it this way - I expect that, on your own, you have maybe a one in twenty chance of figuring this out. If I agreed to try to help you... maybe a two in five chance."

Almost whispering, he said, "So little?"

"If you'd gone out when I'd said to, my estimation would be a lot higher."

"And... in your honest opinion, is this something I need to learn, to ensure that the Bluebloods continue through the fifty-third and later generations?"

"... are you sure you want to know the answer?"

"I must know."

"If I answer, what I say will likely make you furious and insulted and hurt."

"Tell me!"

"Since you've asked me three times - on your own head be it. If you don't figure this out, I don't expect your line to have another generation, and would be astonished if there were two."

He nodded firmly. "Then it's settled."

"What's settled?"

"I will take you on my airship, the Alicorn, and in return, you will do whatever you need to to educate me on this mysterious matter."

"... I thought you said all the airships were busy or tasked."

"As an Equestrian Prince, I am required to remain near rapid transportation in case of a royal emergency - and ever since that unfortunate incident near Stalliongrad, the Alicorn is tasked to remain near me."

I started shaking my head. "No. Oh, no, No way, no how, no chance, nada, uh-uh, noperino, and that's final!"

---

My hooves were hanging over the railing, and much more than my cud was on its way down (and down, and down...) to the forest ground. I groaned, "I should've tried inventing motion-sickness pills before we left..."

Comments

[Salacar]

Missy really can't catch a break

[DataPacRat]

829482
And yet - here you are, still reading about her. (And one for Missy: )

[AppleTank]

so, no Gala?

[DataPacRat]

830662
The Gala is at least a couple of months in Missy's future at this point of her story. I do have a method in mind to fast-forward her to catch up with other events, if need be, but haven't actually decided to use it yet.

[Forevermore]

Poor Missy, not just a cow but also an airsick cow.

Love where you're taking Blueblood as a character, really fits with him in both canon and fanon.

[Nathan Traveler]

The Hindentanic. I see what you did there.

[Knighthawker]

........ Ok wow. I have to say, seeing Blueblood act all snooty and then get put in his place is the best part of any HiE fic. Yet..... I seem to like this reform of his character. It doesnt seem all that sudden like in say.... Blackwing's story "Accended" (Still a good story though), and fits in nicely.

[Themaskedferret]

829502 How can we not? you've crafted such an incredible character and added so much to the world they inhabit...

[Pharaoh]

I snorted. "On the contrary. Maybe I'm mistaken. So let's try the fast fix - if you can let go enough to do this, then maybe... So. Go out, take the first beggar you can find, take him or her home, feed them, give them a few hundred bits, and help them find a job."

"Instructions unclear, the begger is pooping on the floor"