Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

Fee, Fie, Foe, Fu-

That was the first night I hadn't just woken up wearing feathers, but had gone to sleep with them, too. I dreamed instead something about a dragon wanting to hide me from her husband, and insisting that she stuff me in an eggshell and hide me inside her so he could see her lay me with his own eyes... weird and full of dream-logic, but it was at least one notch better than the dreams I'd been having about being elbow-deep in somebody's guts and getting ever deeper while people died around me pleading for my help.

I wasn't able to sleep right next to the pups, as I'd been enjoying - they were all too likely to use me as a teething soother. But, being even smaller than they were, I could at least put my head under my wing in a blanket piled up on top of their crib's overhang, so they could see me - even if they couldn't know I was still me - and I could see them.

At least one entirely good thing about being a corvid: I wasn't near-sighted anymore. It actually felt a bit weird not to have glasses or goggles, shielding my eyes from whatever dangers the world might throw at them; but a weird I could get to like.

All of which meant that, even with the cloak de-powered and not trying to mushify everyone's brains, I was in a pretty good mood, perched on the castle's railing and chatting with Cloud Bouncer, who was on watch. Well, she was chatting and I threw in the occasional croaked syllable, but close enough. Which also meant that she and I saw the giant at the same time, as the Mikoyan's flight let us see around bits of passing landscape.

It - I guess I should say 'he' - was humanoid, roughly; but with less resemblance to a human than an elephant had to a mouse. Massively oversized legs, a green complexion that might have been natural and might have been moss, patches of long hair that seemed to serve it as well as clothes, most of a tree slung over a shoulder like a hobo's stick, and a proportionally tiny head; all added up to a figure that bore more than a passing resemblance to the hills he was walking by, in the same general direction we were going.

"Uh... do you see what I see?" Cloud asked.

"Yeh," I croaked - all vowely sounds, so that word was easy. "Hhhow... big... 's... 't?" Cloud herself was a giant to me, now; looking down from the sky, I couldn't figure out if what we were looking at was a bit bigger than a diamond dog, or bigger than the Mikoyan.

Instead of answering me, she said, "Gotta call it in," and flipped open the cover of the speaking-tube heading down to the bridge. I could probably have squirmed into the tube bodily, and slid down it; but, instead, I spread my wings, hopped down to the deck, then hopped down the stairs to join Captain Red.

She was drinking a morning coffee, and squinting into the morning sunlight ahead of us. "So - giants now?" She sighed. "I suppose better they're here than back home."

"Maybe they used to be," said Tranquil Valley, who was manning (ponying?) the main engine controls.

Red glanced at her, then back at me. "So - we going to go say 'hi'?"

"Ngah," I replied. "Lu... uk-k-ks p-p-pri, mmi, ti, iv. Big pi-ki-tu-ur."

"Suits me. Steady as she goes, Miss Valley. I'm going to add some notes to the orders of the day, to add coming up with plans for dealing with giants to our tactical training."

---

An hour later, we sighted another coastal village - this one full of the pony-like deer. The Mikoyan went down to land at their docks, and was the subject of much nervous curiosity. When Red, with me perched on her shoulders, mentioned the approaching giant, the reaction was much like that scene from the cartoon with the impending bunny stampede - lots of screaming, running around, and general excitement. Lots of the deer started gathering essentials and dumping them in their fishing boats - it looked like they wanted to make a getaway.

I whispered into Red's ear, "Hhow ah- bow -wet we dee-lay 'im ah bi-it?"

"The giant?"

"Yeh."

"Nothing dangerous to us?"

"Neh."

"I suppose we might learn something useful."

---

As the Mikoyan got closer to where the giant would have walked to, Cloud and I spotted a lone quadruped walking along a road, westerly, away from the village we'd just left and straight toward the giant. If he kept on that way, he was likely to get stepped on. So Cloud and I checked in with Red, I hopped into her mane and grabbed on tight with my claws, and rode as she glided down to land in front of him. As we got closer, we could make out more details - under his wide-brimmed, floppy hat, and cloak, he was revealed to be an aged-but-fit earth-pony stallion, wearing a patch over his left eye.

Cloud asked, "Do you understand me? I can try the local language if you don't - um, forstar du my?"

"I hear you good 'nuff."

Cloud said, "Just to let you know, there's a giant... thing walking this way. You might want to go off the path somewhere, take a break behind a tree or something, until it's gone by."

He snorted. "I'm not wasting time mit dat. Very busy."

Cloud pawed the ground. "Well - we could give you a lift; our ship's faster than walking, and we can drop you off on the other side of the giant." She turned her head to look at me. "We can, right?"

I was about to work out how to shape my throat for an answer, when the stallion tilted his head, and finally saw me hiding out in Cloud's mane.

"You!" he shouted, and my response turned into nothing more than a surprised squawk. "Do you have any idea - what are you doing wearing - argh!"

Cloud was nervously backing away, and if I could have hopped any faster than her, I would have. "Um - maybe we'll just leave you to your walking, then."

His lone eye gleamed. "Let me guess - you're stopping to save the poor defenseless village from the big nasty giant?"

Cloud and I looked at each other, then back at him. She answered for both of us, "Um... maybe?"

He snorted a laugh. "Make you a deal. If I keep the village safe for you, will you talk with me?"

Cloud and I looked at each other again, and when we looked back, he'd reached under his cloak, and pulled out a sort of glass globe. "Here, catch," he said, and lobbed the thing in an easy arc at her. Cloud reached out a hoof, and caught it perfectly - only it broke into shards anyway, releasing a nasty-looking greyish haze.

"Wha-" Cloud asked, and I was thinking much the same thing, only before either of us could do much, her eyes rolled up and she dropped to the ground - and I was conscious only long enough to hear her thud.

---

I woke up with a nasty headache, most of my belly feeling like one big bruise, which wasn't improved by the black-barred birdcage I was in being jostled around, hanging on the side of the stallion as he walked. From the angle of the sun, it was only an hour or so later - assuming it was the same day - and we were heading due north, away from the shore.

"Uh," I commented without thinking much.

The stallion didn't respond - unless the constant stream of muttering under his breath counted. I squinted up into the sky - no sign of the Mikoyan. I considered my resources - few enough; I didn't even have the opals I'd swallowed as a cow. Other than my untrained wings, the closest I had to a physical asset was my bladder. Well, maybe I could get him to open the cage, giving me a chance at escape. I turned away from him and lifted my tailfeathers...

"Try it and I'll pull your drumsticks off."

Well, it was a reaction, anyway. I turned around, and relieved myself thataway. "Way-are-" I started.

He interrupted, "Two more hills and we'll be there."

Two hills later, he'd climbed to the top, and into the middle of a circle of stones. He unhitched the cord holding up my cage, put it on the grass, then raised his head up to the sky. "Get your well-used tail down here, Lady, and pick up your trash!"

From behind the both of us came a feminine voice, with boardroom-executive iciness, "I hardly think my 'tail' is that well used."

Turning around revealed... the human-shaped lady, who I'd met once before in a circle of standing stones - the one who'd claimed to be Athena, once again wearing a toga and helmet, and leaning on a spear.

---

The stallion glared at her. "You're not the Lady I was calling."

"Then you should have been more specific, because I'm the Lady you're getting. And I would also thank you not to call my niece 'trash'."

"'Niece'?"

"Grand-niece."

He snorted. "You're mistaken. She's no more your blood-kin than any other mortal."

"By blood, there are a billion mortals who are as closely related as she is. But she's the one out of them who claimed kinship. Not understanding, not even believing I existed, she still made the claim."

"Is that why you dragged her here?"

"No - that merely drew my eye to her."

I tried to clear my throat with an, "Um," and both of them glared at me. I decided to shut up for the moment and pull my head as close into my body's feathers as I could. The two of them turned their attention back to each other.

He said, "You're awfully close to breaking the Rules, coming here like that."

"You're one to talk, wandering around in that outfit."

"It's an old tradition, well within the lines that have been set."

"And abducting a mortal piece, is that within the Rules, too?"

"She abducted herself! She's days behind schedule-"

"Your schedule."

"It should be her schedule! Of all the pieces, she, for one, seemed to understand Necessity. But she stopped for days, just to save a few useless farmers, who are going to die in an ocean storm anyhow-"

That brought me out of my nervous funk. "Hey! 'Ow do oo know-"

They glared at me, but this time I glared right back into his one eye. "Oh, so the little birdy has a backbone after all?" I felt my feathers ruffling, through no conscious intent of my own - and he laughed. "I was wondering where you were hiding your courage."

I started croaking out, "Suh-tor-um," but the words were coming so slowly my frustration boiled over, and my throat closed up tight, so that the rest of what I wanted to say was lost in meaningless cawing.

The goddess (for lack of a better word) sighed. "If you're not going to let her out - will you at least make it easier for her to talk? Either that, or you might as well put her to sleep while the grown-ups talk."

"Not going to use your own magic for it?"

"Even though I was summoned to a place of power - I choose not to intervene directly, just yet, only to talk."

He grimaced. "Fine, fine." He waved a hoof in my general direction. "There. Happy, now?"

"Um. What?" I wasn't sure how I was talking - my beak was closed. But since important things seemed to be happening, I just rolled with it for now. "The villagers - the storm. How do you know they'll die? Are you responsible?"

"And what if I am, little birdie?"

"Then once I've worked my way through my higher priorities, and get down to you - I'd do my best to hold you responsible."

"Do you have any idea who I am?"

"I'm guessing you're the one the locals call 'the Rager'. You bear... certain similarities with a figure I know by another name."

"And do you think you, milk-sop and oh so mortal, could do anything I would even notice?"

"Something I've done has caught your attention enough to drag me here. So if you're the sort to send a storm just to sink some ships - then I've got nothing to lose by trying and failing to hold you to account, and trying and succeeding would be entirely worth the effort."

His one good eye twisted in an immense scowl, but before he could burst out, the lady said, "Whether or not she has a chance to even make the attempt - it may not be necessary. You are here for your... recruitment, yes?"

He once again focused his attention on her. "The pickings in this world are slim; but a nudge here, a nudge there, and a decent battle might happen." He glanced at me. "If somebody kept to their schedule, of doing the important things they said they had to do, that is."

Athena said, "And even a good battle - here, would only net you so much. Have you considered something more... substantial?"

"What... with her? After she was willing to put the whole Game on hold for days, just for a few lives?"

"Have you not been paying attention? It's a bit jumbled - but she has the opportunity to pull a Percy, maybe even on her first try." I had extremely little idea what the two of them were talking about - was 'Percy' short for 'Perseus', the Greek monster-slayer?

Whatever she was referring to, was enough to make the Rager look what little there was to me up and down. "I don't believe it," he declared.

She smiled. "Perhaps a little... side-bet might catch your interest? How about - the use of the other's spear, for a day?"

"I don't make such foolish wagers."

"What about the time-"

"I said foolish wagers. I won that one. Besides - she can't pull it off. The consequences would pull her against her thread of fate."

"I know of at least three loopholes she could use to get around that."

"Hm... Your spear for a day, you say?"

"Or yours. But - as you say, she's already several days late; to even get her to where she would need to be, in time for that battle you were arranging..." She leaned over and whispered something in his ear.

His eyebrows raised. "She wouldn't. That would be - she wouldn't!"

Athena smiled calmly. "I can think of three loopholes. She might think of a fourth."

He harumphed. "Fine, fine. I'll even give a push to get her there on time."

"Er," I commented, "I don't suppose either of you would mind explaining to me what any of this is about?"

"No," they chorused. Then Athena added, "Sleep, now." And I once again fell unconscious.

---

I woke up, still in the cage, still on top of the hill - only the human-shaped goddess and the pony-shaped 'Rager' had been replaced by Red and Cloud Bouncer, and the Mikoyan was hovering above us.

"Is that you, Missy?" asked Red.

"As far as I know," I said.

"Hey, that's a neat trick," said Cloud. "Do that again?"

"Do what?"

"Talk without moving your beak."

Red interrupted, "So what happened? After that pony knocked out you and Cloud."

"Um," I said, trying to figure out how I was talking, without success, "I woke up in this cage, being carried by him, he brought it here, and... I guess he must have gassed me again - last thing I remember is threatening to poop on his flank, to try to get him to let me out. Any sign of him?"

Cloud commented, "Hoofprints leading up here, none leading away. Think he was hiding pegasus wings under that cloak?"

"No," I said, thinking back, "I'd have been against 'em. Um - any chance either of you could let me out of here, soon?"

"I dunno," Red said, tapping her chin with a hoof, "maybe I should just hang you up in my office like this - keep you out of trouble for a while."

"Only if you want to be my first experimental subject when I get back to work on that laxative spell..."

"Then I guess I'd better let you stay in there forever, hadn't I?"

And, keeping an eye out for any random pony bird-nappers, we traded friendly insults all the way back up to the airship...

---

(Author's Note: Missy, among other characters, makes a brief cameo in the latest chapter of Nathan Traveler's fic, Omnius' Travels: A Beast Within.)

Comments

[Rune Heart]

Well, that piece of Seriously-Do-Not-Want just happened. Interrupting and putting a game that nearly every god named or known is currently playing or has a hand in on hiatus for days? I'd say that's about as smooth as 80 grit paper against a nice oak table with a medium varnish.

So... By spear, do they mean their actual spears, Gungnir and, uh, does Athena's spear even have a name?

Anyways, their spears or the idea of their 'spears', which would be their strongest weapon/symbol/power/item?

[DataPacRat]

1384914
When the Rager said Missy put the whole Game on hold, he was more referring to Missy putting her part of the game on hold - that is, instead of pushing full-bore for magic and power and knowledge and saving whole continents, she paused to save just a few handfuls of individuals.

As far as I know, Athena is a practical sort of civilized warrior, and is more concerned about making sure her armies are well-supplied with plenty of spears than maximizing the magic of any particular spear she uses. But - her spear is still her spear, even if nameless, and if not quite up to Gungir's standards, is worth making a bet over.

[Destructorspace]

For lack of a more intelligent response: Athena is counting on Missy figuring out where she should have been, and accelerating her pace in order to get there, now that she knows she was supposed to play a pivotal role in what sounds like a major battle, which implies that it will go badly for her interests if she isn't there., right?

... And that was a lot more convoluted and run-on than I'd intended. ?

Edit: It was so long I forgot it was a question.

[DataPacRat]

1385036
I might have been a bit too subtle in the last few paragraphs - I intended to strongly imply that, as of that point, Missy's been given a memory charm, and doesn't remember most of this chapter.

[Destructorspace]

1385057
No, looking back you're fine, I just caught up in speculation. So how will Missy find out about the battle? Athena sounds pretty confident she'll learn about it with enough time left to actually exploit loopholes in reality to get there before her role would be over....

[DataPacRat]

1385072
For the answer to that and for the further thrilling adventures of our heroine: tune in next chapter, same cow-time, same cow-channel!

[I Thought I Was Toast]

YES!!!
I've been waiting for something like this to happen. The implications of Missy actually being willing to try and keep a god accountable for it's actions are going to lead to so much fun speculation on the route of the game for me. If anyone could outwit a god I'd place my bet on her, simply because she's the most likely to figure out loopholes to everything. Infinite power means nothing if you don't consider how your opponent will attack you.

The thing I'm really curious about is whether this sort of mortal rebellion could extend to the game as a whole. While Missy might be perfectly willing to take on one god, to take on and destroy the game from the inside out so it doesn't harm another universe again is a whole other category. She'd have to figure out the exact rules to find any loopholes she'd need, and the practicality aspect of taking on an uncountable number of gods is rather small, but the benefits of saving an uncountable number of lives from future games might be worth it if the costs of stopping the game doesn't harm the natural order of things in a way that is just as bad if not worse. (Killing a god for example. Does that murder the aspect they represent? Athena is wisdom. Would killing Athena murder wisdom and knowledge?) I suppose it depends on how much Missy represents hope, and your exact definition of hope. If hope is merely the desire for something greater (which I doubt in Missy's case) then she hasn't gotta chance. I however view hope more as the ability to view the impossible as possible. Everything, no matter how small, is possible, but the probability of a lot of these things is so small it might as well be zero. That's why a the possibility pump Missy talks about is so amazing and dangerous. It has the potential to spit out the most beautiful and nasty things you can imagine. Hope as I've defined it above is better than merely wanting things to get better, because it can be focused this way. A rational person or cow in Missy's case realizes that making those nearly impossible things happen is more of a matter of making a bunch of very possible actions that lead up to the nearly impossible action. An example that isn't extremely controversial might be the idea of a direct democracy where everyone votes on every issue. In order to get that to actually work you'd need to set things up so the population was educated enough to make decisions, tolerant enough to not lead to chaos and not getting things done, and communication would have to be improved for the gathering and processing of votes and propositions as fast as possible. There are a thousand other things, but the point is these smaller sub-tasks are much easier and lead to an outcome where something that is normally seemingly impossible is suddenly in the ideal situation to work. Anyways, that's probably enough babbling.

[nemryn]

She totally would, Odin.

Also, how is Missy narrating events she doesn't remember aargh

[DataPacRat]

1385470
Also, how is Missy narrating events she doesn't remember aargh

Actually, that's one question I do already have a plan to answer. Eventually.

[Blank!]

Wodan is quite a bit of a jerk. I had in mind the Sandman and Marvel versions, and this version felt rather more snippy than one'd expect.

So, what, are gods playing Dungeons And Dragons against each other, as in Discworld? I'm afraid I haven't read any works from this crossover besides this on and Echo the Diamond Dog.

[DataPacRat]

1385548
Not that it's known to Missy, but: Discord started the game with Echo. Each playing god takes a human from Earth, and use a bit of their power to drop them somewhere on the planet in a non-human, non-pony body. Whichever god wins gets all those little pieces of power, added up, for themself - and to encourage the ex-human pawns to put some effort into it, the winning pawn gets a 'rules-free wish'.

Complications have ensued; as Missy has learned, the last two such games were played in Atlantis and Mu, destroying them. Athena says she's put Missy into this Game to try to minimize the collateral damage, though she probably wouldn't mind if Missy won the thing, too.

[Blank!]

Yes, I know most of that, I have been reading the fic so far. What's the win condition, anyways?

[nemryn]

1385602
...Just how 'rules-free' is that wish, exactly? That kind of thing is going to be very dangerous for someone.

[terrycloth]

1385822 I think it's 'last pawn standing'?

[Forevermore]

1385822
1385830
1386197

That would be telling, now wouldn't it?

[AppleTank]

1386197
No one actually said. At this point, its to pretty much: go run around.
Grammar Typo check
complextoin: complexion. I think