Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me

by DataPacRat

The Dairy Job

"If," I said to Safe, "the Dairy isn't going to be officially under my personal control anymore, then before I officially surrender the authority personally granted to me by the Princesses to set it up and run it - then we're going to need to figure out how to divvy up what's mine and happens to be here, and what's the Dairy's even if it's not here. For example," I picked up the most recent piece of paper in what I still considered my inbox, which read:

Dear Missy.
Please send chapstick.
My lips are bleeding a little.
Thank!
~Ivan.

"Is my arrangement with this zebra a personal bargain between me and him, or do I hand over contact with him to my successor here?"

Safe, uncomfortable, said, "I was hoping you would remain to lend us your expertise."

"Maybe I will - maybe I'll go do something else. But even if I stay, since my relationship with the whole organization is changing, it's probably well past time to separate Missy-the-cow from Missy-the-Dairy-chief, to keep the lines of responsibility clear. If you're going to be in charge, then you are going to be in charge, and aren't going to be able to depend on me bailing you out if you get in hot water with the Princesses."

He looked even more uncomfortable - and now a tad worried. I was fine with that. He said, "That's - quite civil of you. Have you got anything in mind?"

I tapped my chin, thoughtfully. "Tell you what. Since you and Micro seem to think you know enough about the Dairy that you have surpassed your teacher - then consider this your final exam. Whatever you think you need from me for the Dairy, as long as it isn't obviously mine: ask for it, and I will give you specifically what you request."

"What if we ask for the wrong thing, or don't think of something?"

"Well, if it's something that doesn't actually exist, then of course I won' t be able to get it for you. As for the rest - your failure will be punished with true justice: instead of getting what you truly need, or even what you want, you will get what you request."

"That hardly seems fair," he frowned.

"It is exactly and precisely fair. If you don't feel you're up to such a challenge - do you really think you're up to running the entire Dairy?" I looked at him sidelong. "Safe - do you even remember why the Dairy exists at all?"

"To protect the ponies of Equestria, from threats such as slavers."

I sighed, and shook my head. "There was already the Equestrian Guard for that. And a few of the bureaucratic departments could claim to have authority to deal with such matters. But the Dairy - officially - doesn't exist. It's funded directly by the Royal treasury, not through standard government expenditures. It's not, officially, part of the same bureaucracy as the Department of Defense. I honestly never covered this with you?" At his blank look, I sighed again. "Fine. Looks like I get to give you at least one more lesson before I go."

He winced, and I suppressed a chuckle. "I suppose not having to listen to my boring philosophizing might be one reason for bucking me out of here - but since I still seem to have a few things you want, you get to put up with me a little longer." I stood up straighter and cleared my throat. "A problem. You have to make a choice to save the lives of many ponies. On the one hoof, you can save four hundred lives with absolute certainty. On the other hoof, you can save five hundred lives - but there's only a ninety percent chance this plan will work, and a ten percent chance it will fail. Which plan would you pick?" I gave him a second, then pushed, "Hurry up, you don't have all day."

"What if that ten percent chance hits, and everypony dies? How can I gamble with that many lives? The first one."

I nodded agreeably. "Most ponies choose the same. Could you call Page in here for a second?" Safe gave me a look. I looked back calmly. He sighed, then went to the door, and called her in.

I said to her, "I want to make a point to Safe by presenting you with a problem. Ponies are in danger, and you have to choose between two plans. In one plan, one hundred ponies die with certainty. In the other plan, there's a ninety percent chance nopony dies - but a ten percent chance five hundred die. Which plan do you pick?"

She frowned. "I don't want any ponies to die - and there's a pretty good chance with the second one nopony does. That one seems right to me."

I nodded, said, "Thank you, Page, that's all for now." She gave me a look, then went back out.

I fixed Safe in my gaze again. "What do you think of her choice?"

He looked uncomfortable. "It seems to make sense. But - I know you wouldn't have asked if there wasn't some catch to it."

"Of course there was. The problems I gave the two of you? Didn't you notice they were the exact same problem, just phrased differently? And that, because of how they were framed, your intuition gave you one answer for the first, and another for the second?" I glared, and barreled on. "That's just one single example demonstrating that when it comes to significant ethics, intuition gives not just wrong answers, but inconsistent answers. There's a fairly simple way to solve such an issue - the best phrasing I've heard is 'shut up and multiply' - but this entire area is just one small part of the rather larger field of decision theory. You can't even give me a wrong answer to most of those problems, because you haven't internalized one of the most important ideas about behaving rationally."

I was stepping forward to push my muzzle close to his, and he was stepping back, until he hit the wall. I didn't give him the opportunity to ask a question, just kept pushing forward, physically and verbally. "The point of rationality is get important things done. Not to think in a certain way. Not to follow procedure. Not to have everypony filed into little boxes. But to get the best answer, whatever it is. To win."

His tail bumped against the wall, and I held him there for a few long moments, before turning away dismissively. "The Guard is quite good at following orders and doing things the way they have been told to get them done." I looked over my shoulder. "I created the Dairy to find the ways to do things that the Guard can't. If you're kicking me out because I don't fit neatly into your pattern..." I gave an unamused chuckle. "Then you might as well just slap everypony here into uniforms and march them out in formation. And I'll go find some other way to do what has to be done, outside of the rules."

I glanced at the clock - it looked like I'd kept Safe distracted long enough. And who knew - maybe what I'd told him would stick, and he'd manage to do something actually useful with the Dairy's resources. But I wasn't going to count on it. So I turned back to him. "So ask me for what you want from me. When you're done, I'll gather up my personal items. And then we can discuss what sort of relationship I will continue to have with the Dairy, if any."

I fell silent. After a long pause, Safe took a step forward from the wall, glanced out the door, then back at me. "Ah. Well. To start with, there's your office safe, the one that self-destructs the contents if somepony uses the wrong combination."

I nodded, and the two of us went to take a look.

---

Some time previously...

Brick was a known quantity to the guards. They wouldn't let her into anyplace that was really secure, but when she arrived with saddlebags full of reports for Missy, and requests for further information, as well as various miscellaneous papers destined for other departments, were quite willing to wave her into Missy's office. Where, knowing where the safe was hidden and its combination, she quietly and efficiently removed certain small objects and sets of papers, left others in place, and added a few from her saddlebags. Closing the safe, she placed her reports on Missy's desk, and gave Page a cheery wave on her way out.

---

I twirled the dial, yanked the handle, and opened the door. "There you go. Let's see what I left here... mine, yours, yours, mine, mine, mine, yours, yours, mine, yours..."

Safe argued about some of the papers I claimed as 'mine', and we spent more time going back and forth about that. Eventually, we came to an agreement, and I packed my collection into some saddlebags, which I threw across my back. "Anything else?", I asked him.

"Your lab locker."

---

Not too long ago...

"Hey there." The glasses-wearing nerd looked up, and blinked at the unicorn mare who batted her eyes at him. "Your lab coat is hiding your cutie mark. I'm kind of curious what it is... why don't we go somewhere more private where you can... show it to me?" Star Chaser knew that the only chance she had at getting her stallionhood back was to distract anypony from being able to see what was happening in this particular location at this particular time - so distract this pony she would, no matter what it took.

As the lab geek gulped, and allowed himself to be led off... just underneath that lab, Amethyst the diamond dog finished digging her tunnel. She checked the timepiece she'd been given, and saw that the sticks were pointed in the right directions. She tunneled upwards, carefully - and, in moments, lowered a certain locker into her tunnel. Just as carefully, she lifted the replacement, which she'd been dragging with her, up into its place. Her part of the job done, she started dragging the still-sealed locker back to where she'd come from, for her co-mother to crack open at her leisure.

After a little while, the lab-pony wandered back to his work bench, a little flushed and with a wider smile than he'd had in years."

---

The next thing Safe asked for was, "We also seem to be missing the full list of off-site backups."

"Would you believe that I never wrote it down?"

"I would. Did you write it down?"

"Of course I did. I keep it off-site."

"Why?"

"In case the Dairy wasn't just attacked, but subverted. Good thing that hasn't happened, eh?"

"Uh-huh. Where do you keep it, then?"

"Them."

"Pardon?"

"Why would I have only one copy of an important document meant to be used in the event of an attack?"

"Where do you keep them, then?"

"You only need one, don't you?"

"I suppose."

"Is Red still living in the same place?"

"Yep - Page moved in with her."

"Then let's go see if she's home, shall we?"

---

"Hey, you're back!" Red gave me a hug. "Looking pretty good for a statue, boss."

"Glad to see you, too. Didn't you hear I was walking around again?"

"Nobody tells me anything."

I frowned at Safe, then looked back at her. "Should I ask?"

"Pretty simple - I work for you, not them. And since I was in jail and am technically on probation, I didn't pass the new background checks, so they don't want me working for them, anyway."

"How've you been making out?"

"You paid me well enough that I could sit on my duff for a while longer, but I've been splitting my time between the library and keeping my wings stretched. So, what'd you bring the tin-head here for?"

Safe grimaced a little inside his Guard helm, but didn't rise to the bait. I answered, "Giving him his parting gifts. He said he wants the list of off-site backups - so I decided to show him what's in your safe."

She blinked a few times, then her eyes gleamed in amusement. "Yeah, I guess he'd want that. Hard to run a business when you don't know where half your stuff is." My hooves clopped across the floor as I went to the wall, took down a painting, and started twiddling with the dial. "What're you planning after that?", Red asked.

"I've got a mare back in Ponyville who wants to see me - after that, I've got a few ideas about places to go, ponies to see. Probably try to convince Safe to let me keep my Inspector badge. Want to come with?"

"Mm... lemme see what packing-"

She was interrupted when a pale pegasus swooped in through a window, flared her wings, and came to a four-point landing right in front of me. "Missy!" cried Blanche in obvious pleasure. "It's so good to see you again!" She grabbed my face with her hooves and planted a nice, big kiss on my mouth. "I've been doing so many naughty things, but you haven't tried spanking me once yet! Oh, say, are these yours? Souvenirs! Score! Can you sign them?"

Safe shouted something and started running towards us. Blanche held the armful of papers she'd grabbed and flapped her wings, rising into the air, hovering near the ceiling and out of his reach. Safe came to a halt and started charging up his horn to blast her - but Red spread her wings and rose into the air, too. The two pegasi started circling the room, keeping Safe from getting a clear shot. Blanche called out, "Getting too hot in here - but I'm sure I'll see you later!" She winged out through the window she'd come in in. Red started following, but glanced back at me, and I shook my head, so she came back down to land by me and Safe.

I said to him, "You know, you've really let your security go to put while I was away."

"She's getting away! We should go after her!"

"Calm down - there's no need. Those were actually a set of decoy papers. Here, look in the safe - see, I flip this open - and there's another lock. Inside there are the papers I meant to put in there."

Safe gave me a rather funny look. "So - you not only keep important papers far away from your office, just in case your office gets blown up or taken over... but you keep fake copies in the same safe, just in case somepony tries to steal them?"

"Pretty much," I agreed.

"By Celestia's tea- uh, tail, you're a paranoid heifer."

"Looks like I was just paranoid enough. I assume you want what's in this second safe I just showed you?"

"... yeah, I suppose I do."

---

Finally, Safe couldn't think of anything more to ask me for, at least that I was willing to give him. For example, I pointed out that I had been given a license to carry Chekov by the Princesses, and nopony else had been authorized to bring firearms out of the Dairy, so even if I did agree it was the Dairy's property, which I didn't, nopony else would be able to get any use out of it, while I would. He did let me keep my badge, too, as long as I agreed to remain at least associated with the Dairy as a self-directed agent, if not a full employee.

We parted ways - and I went to the place I hoped Marble was waiting for me. To my relief, she was swimming on the surface of the reservoir right where she'd said she would.

"Did you find out where the Alicorn is?" I asked.

She shook her head. "All I can say is that it's not within a hundred miles of Canterlot. I think the Guard is doing something with it, but what, I can't say."

I grunted. "How about another airship, then?"

"I checked - and there's not one that can be begged, borrowed, or stolen. I did get us train tickets."

"'Us'?"

"You are being... interesting. I can't wait to see what you felt was worth prying out of the hooves of the ponies who betrayed you, without their knowing anything was taken at all."

I grunted again. "You're assuming I'm going to let you see. As it is, I'm glad that everypony managed to do their tasks without getting caught. I suppose I could have tried for some more complicated plans, but if they'd gone wrong... Anyway, I hope that you at least got us a private compartment..."

"Thanks to the bits you had stashed away, we've got a whole car to ourselves - all we need is a train going our way, and we can link up with it."

"Good. I'd like you to go to Star Chaser's place, and tell everypony where to board that car. I've got a few more caches to empty out before we leave."

"Won't your ex-lieutenant have already taken them, after he got your list?"

I smiled a bit. "I suppose it doesn't hurt to break compartmentalization on that bit, and let you know - the safe I opened didn't have any complete list of sites. Basically, that whole safe was a decoy - containing just enough true information to satisfy somepony who knew the general sort of things that would be stored in such a safe."

Her eyes shone. "Like I said - interesting. You just robbed the organization you yourself created blind, of all its most precious treasures."

I sighed, depressed, and shook my head. "Not even close. All I've got now are a few fragments of what I used to have. They may be very special fragments, the best that it was possible for me to get - but still just a fraction of what I had before the lab accident. I don't know who's been threatened enough by me to take everything else away - and they really have taken away my base of power. And until I can at least identify who they are, or at least how to fight back... I'm going to have to go about my work in a rather different way than I have been so far."

"While I'm dealing with the train car - where should I arrange for us to get pulled to?"

I only needed to think for a moment. "Ponyville, at least for a day or so. After that - I'll need to read some of the papers we collected, plus check a few things while we're there." I actually knew exactly where I wanted to go - but I didn't want to tell Marble that, until she had much less time to think up ways to betray me for her own benefit.

I would have been happy to be a lot less 'interesting', but I didn't exactly have much say in the matter.

Yet.

Comments

[Forevermore]

Me thinks the shit will be hitting the fan very soon

[Tay the Chemist]

You've had no real direct combat, where Missy grabs the nearest weapon and immediately knows how to use it to kill everything in the vicinity (It happens to everyone, I personally assume it's inherent to the Chess Pieces) and yet you've got so much awesome stuff, and a lot of tension and exciting things coming up. Great stuff.

[DataPacRat]

1049540
You've had no real direct combat, where Missy grabs the nearest weapon and immediately knows how to use it to kill everything in the vicinity (It happens to everyone, I personally assume it's inherent to the Chess Pieces)
This is a deliberate philosophical choice, both on my part and on Missy's, a belief that on average, other intelligent beings are capable of doing things that serve one's own best interests, even if the manner in which that might happen isn't obvious. She could easily have used lethal levels of force against her would-be rapists; but if she had, Star Chaser wouldn't still be alive and wanting to curry her favor. When the new diamond dogs moved in, she could have used her Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast technique to have them all killed - and Amethyst wouldn't have become her co-mother. She could have responded to the attempted assassination-by-duel in kind - and Marble Pillar wouldn't have been able to access her political contacts. And so on.

If memory serves, her kill count so far is one cockatrice (by accident), and several nonsentient prey animals to use to trade to a dragon.

Great stuff.
Thank you kindly.

[Tay the Chemist]

1049609 To be clear, I never meant it was a bad thing that Missy never became a powerful fighter. What I meant was, it makes the story so much better that she's done what she has without having to resort to 'kill that thing'.
Also, you're welcome.
Wait, Six Impossible Things To Do Before Breakfast? Er, what chapter was that? In case someone theoretically forgot that entire thing... by which I mean me.

[DataPacRat]

1049630
Wait, Six Impossible Things To Do Before Breakfast? Er, what chapter was that?
That would be Chapter 39, in which Missy first plays with the applications that are made possible by thoughtful application of a certain spell shown once on the cartoon.

[strangephantasm]

Damn, when you started mentioning trains I was really hoping for an FFVIII "car switch" ploy.

CURSE YOU SNAAAAAAIIIIILS!

[nemryn]

Well, I was expecting Missy to reveal that the second safe was the decoy, and Blanche took the real papers, but this works too.

Also, I may need to re-evaluate my reaction to overly-specific diction like "I assume you want what's in this second safe I just showed you"; because if Missy only does that when she's attempting to deceive, and somepony figures that fact out...

[Turtles]

I like the premise of this story. I'll give it a read.

[AliCentaur Br0ny]

1056208 DAT PLOT INDEED!

[coandco]

After a little while, the lab-pony wandered back to his work bench, a little flushed and with a wider smile than he'd had in years."

The quote mark at the end of this paragraph shouldn't be there, since there's no dialogue.

[Organized Chaos]

Bitch