A piece of humanity: part two
Chapter one : Fuerza de Azul.
She woke up from dreaming, put on her shoes.
Alois had a weird dream again!
Antrigalya... Is not in Equestria
she said to herself.
And now she remembered! Antrigalya is in the demon demension.
Alois was a pony defender and in the barracks of the royal guard.
Sent on a mission to eliminate the demons from Fuerza de Azul, the demon demension.
She was wondering why she was captured during this disasterous mission.
Maybe someone was against the royal guard ? against all humanity ? nah...
Her wings started working again, and she tried to fly from ledge to ledge, and in no time she got her old speed back.
She flew as fast as she can, and arrived at the portal to Fuerza de Azul
Where the gatekeeper was waiting on her.
''Let me give thy a rhyme oh mysterious one' the gatekeeper said.
I'll do my best to solve it, gatekeeper.
''What is worth more money than all keepings in the world, and is only to be found in other ponies?''
Friendship and a good heart, gatekeeper.
And alois passed through.
Chapter two : Not good enough.
Struggling against the intense heat of the flames, alois entered.
But what she found was not a demon, nor something evil.
All her companions had been sliced, murdered,decapitated and ripped apart.
Alois screamed in anger and agony, not knowing what to do.
Alois, whose heart was broken and enraged, turned black.
Dust swirling around her and an armor of evil, blackness wrapped on her body.
Nobody hurts my friends, alois screamed.
With red eyes and flaming hoofs Alois ran to the demon king
And approached him calmly.
Is this your doing, demon ?
''Oh please. Call me grelur, and yes. Those puny ponies had been left to their fate by their friend.''
Well then, it's time for you to suffer grelur.
Chapter 3 : the final fight
Alois flew at the speed of light, with flaming hoofs, which she slammed onto the demon everytime she passed.
The demon laughed and said :'' Alois are you serious? Is this all?''
Alois laughed back and said : No, you haven't seen anything yet.
Grelur grinned and said : '' give me all you've got.''
Alois her skin bursted, a lava like substance was pouring out, creating a rocklike armor, with spikes and fire.
And as she screamed, a blue light which grelur didn't know , poured out of her body and wrapped around her hoofs, Soulforge weapons.... alois whispered.
And alois slowly approached grelur , whom's face expression had changed to scared.
Alois screamed : Grelur, you shall pay for what you have done to my dear friends.
Now, You shall pay double the price.
She waved her hoof and lightblue fire circled around Grelur
Grelur laughed. What is this ? some kind of spell ?
Alois's face was still dead serious: Yes, it's called demon cleaver.
Grelur knew he was in trouble. But he couldn't move because if he touched the blue fire he would be sliced and diced !
''now die.'' The blue flames morphed to swords, thousand of them slashed through grelur and after the smoke was cleared
There was no grelur left. Just a bit pile of demon meat.
Chapter four : goodbye forever.
alois slowly approached all her dead friends.
''Why, Why would you do this to me ?'' alois cried.
''my time has come, I shall stay with my friends, up there.''
And alois jumped into the fire.
End.
You see grimm and gramm were cave exploring, when they found the portal to fuerza de Azul.
And there they entered the portal and found Alois's journal.
They kept it secret, until now.
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Hmm....this "story" seems quite jagged. You seem to be going into short stories, which aren't that hard to write. The problem with doing stories like these, is that the Grimm brothers had a certain style. Now, that does include some fancy words, which you have used. It should include a smooth plot, that is pretty cut and dry.
It seems that you have the right idea, but your approach to it seems...off. The main problem is that it seems more like prose or poetry in some parts, but goes into a story shortly afterwords. I don't want to go into lengthy details on how you could improve this story. The main thing you need, is consistency, in every part of this story.
Whether you have tried your hardest to make this, I don't know. The main thing, is that you either need an editor, or practice in story writing. Try to emulate a certain style or author, before tackling any story. Through that, is where you can develop your own style.
Hopefully, this piece of advice is taken to heart. In the end, it's your story, not mine.
787579 I agree.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1vytx4nA81r3gdku.gif
This is the first time I have to honestly ask. HOW THE HELL did this pass moderation. There is only one mention of Equestria.
I cant even tell if this is a troll fic or serious attempt. If this is a serious attempt then I have only one piece of advice. READ A BOOK! Take notes on how the story and writing is structured.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/216/939/Spike_Twilight_wtf_is_this_shit-(n1295811473322).jpg
These are stories? Exactly how long did you spend in the making of this?
787675 Apparently not long; as supported by the author's lack of a writing ability.
Ow! My brain!
It seems like your trying to mash together Finnigan's Wake, the weird stories in the margins of House of Leaves, Hunting of the Snark, and throwing a chopped up pony at a page and seeing what comes up. Like others have said "What the balls did I just read?!?!"
Oh, and just for sanity's sake, is this a trollfic? Please tell me this is a damn trollfic.
This story was so bad, youtube's uploader crashed on me when I tried to do a reading of it.
4771330
The way it is spelt makes it not a word. (Is that worded right?)
Disparity: a great difference.
As of December/20/2014 at 8:28 PM US Pacific time. This story is the least most popular story on the site.
*Slow clap* Amazing.
Truly amazing. This gentleman/madame deserves the bad fic equivalent to the medal of honor. You gotta try real hard to be the least most popular fic on this site. No likes and thirty something dislikes. I need to take a break from the internet.
Is this a trollfic or did you write something to intentionally get this many downvotes. Sorry but they don't give out awards for the most downvotes.