A Night With The Queen

A queen visits an unsuspecting citizen.

Submitted for an OC x OC contest. Did not win, but I consider it one of my best stories.

Yay! A reading!

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Comments ( 3 )

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Scorch215

Scorch215 #1 · May 11th, 2016 · 1 · ·

Well.....for wanting to be seen as a normal citizen she sure didn't hesitate to tell him who she was.

Also intjink she would say citizen and not civilian As civilian sound more of what some one with a military background would say and not the ruler of a country.

Also the sudden relationship seems a bit forced.

I'm not trying to put down the story I am just giving my thoughts on it. Overall it seems like an OK story and a possible good starting point for something but it could standnto be slowed down a bit and have the reactions tweeked.

Such as after he was sober I don't think anyone would nornaly be oke with a total stranger having just entered their home like she did and believing said random person when they say they are royality unless you have seen said royality, is a bit hard to believe.

In would recommend giving this a bit of a rewrite but that's just my thoughts on the matter.

And a I said I am not trying to put down the story or anything. These are purely my own thoughts and there will probabaky be people you disagree with me and you also have the right to ignore everything I said as it is your own story and you should write it how you want.

Good luck to yourself.

Dark Chocolate