- Member Since 25th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
THEJamiboi
I write in my spare time, as a hobby and I would appriciate some feedback on any stories I write here on fimfiction.
THEJamiboi
Joined 25th Nov, 2013 ·
Offline
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THEJamiboi · 8.1k words · 64 13 · 4.7k views
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Why do I suspect hypnosis works differently for alicorns?
That was very good. I'd love to see a sequel to this.
7089064 Because they are gods!! XD
7089939 Was a request for a friend, I may do another story like this perhaps, but I don't know if there is more to explore. :) Better to leave on a cute note than ruin it.
The start of this story is really throwing me off... Over half of the sentences start with "Quinten..." and half of the rest start with "The stallion...". At least that's what it feels like. Aside from that, not a bad story.
Kinda wondering about who is in control there at the end. Was it Twilight or Quin?
Intentional or not that makes the story very intriguing at the end.
7091349 Two things: One nice picture love that blog, so funny! XD
Two; bad habit of mine I guess, I do that often, but funny thing is if I don't people complain they get confused who I'm talking about, so it's the lesser of two evils really. :)
7091509 I debated twisting it that Twilight had hypnotised him, but changed it to that, so it seemed either could be. :) Twilight is sharp enough.
7091527
Two pieces of advice then, from one author to another:
1) When it's just one character in a scene, or just one character of their gender, you can mostly replace their name with "he/she" (unless they're currently having an inner monologue about someone else they could be confused with). It's not a perfect fix, but it's just two/three letters so it's interrupting the flow a lot less than "the stallion".
2) Try rearranging a sentence so another word is at the front. You don't have to force it or obsess over it, but every three or four sentences at least. Stuff like "Walking into the bathroom..." "Picking up seven books at random..." or just "After that..."
7091721 Thanks I'll try to take this on board. :)
Did they hypnotize each other? XD
7131411 I left it intended that Twilight may or may not have in fact been in control. So... Maybe? XD
ordered and Twilight pulled
you just a silver of the wonderful
Do you mean sliver?
8248112
Yeah, where are these mistakes? I can't find them... XD
8249282
8250267
Thank you kindly I have fixed the mistake :)