Twilight's tests on the lamia potion are progressing smoothly, but now she needs a subject who is more accustomed to hard work to see if there are any different effects in the transformation. Twilight, and Applejack, her newest subject, are about to learn that there is both more than one type of lamia form and one type of hypnosis.
This is the second place draw prize for: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/MightyShockwave of Applejack being turned into a rattle snake pony. Because I know him, I know he likes the black on white spirals more than rings, so I did that for him, he also prefers sfw... So, for about the first time in forever (Quit singing) I did something ANYONE can read! :D
I hope you enjoy. :)
(Also, I put it on Random tag cause... I dunno what tag this gets, it's just a hypno fic for the fun and sake of a hypno fic, no one kisses or anything and I know it isn't slice of life so yeah... Random. :)
I got a little confusing as to who was talking.
No it's standard talking, if it's a new line, as in speaking line, the speaker has changed, and since there are only two ponies present it has to be one or the other, you also cut out the previous speaking part which set up who's speaking when. Follow that and it simply goes, Applejack Twilight, Applejack, Twilight and they bounce through the argument. :)
6431289
Actually, a more "standard" version is to place the action belonging to a character on the same line as their dialogue. Because...
...the last part looks exactly like a dialogue tag if you're not careful. This line in particular works because it can be read that way, with sighing occasionally being used as a description of how someone talks.
Whereas if you had it this way...
Or, even better...
...each line now has the character's dialogue and action in the same paragraph. There is no mixing a different character's action up with the previous one's dialogue.
If you want to think of it another way, each paragraph has also a definitive subject; the dialogue and description both pertain to the same character, what they're saying as well as what they're doing. A change in paragraph then also coincides with a change in subject and gives better flow to your prose.
What makes these lines in particular stand out is that, during the second half, you actually follow the previously-stated arragement. Like so:
So why do you have one half done one way and the second half done the other?
6431855 Yeah this does look better... As for the answer of why one way is done differently, I do these over several days possible weeks, often with real life cutting in between so it can confuse me... I might change it but life is hectic right now and I dunno if I'll have time but I'll try, thanks. :)
6433072
It's fine. It might be helpful in later works, though. :) Also, you might want to watch your commas; you have a lot of run-on sentences, or sentences that look like two joined together by a comma. A comma indicates a slight pause while a period gives a sense of finality. So if you were to place a few more periods at opportune moments, you give your reader a chance to catch their breath and it flows better, too.
6433087 Yeah I get confused with grammar myself, I'm not 100% sure when it works because normally if what I'm saying continues I put it in, I was also taught that a comma between some words it something you can cut out and it'd still make sense.
6433130
So, I sent a PM detailing other things, but now let's go on with comments on the story.
First of all, woohoo! New method of snake hypnosis! Seriously, I've never seen someone use a rattlesnake/rattle before, so that is awesome and I seriously hope it becomes a thing.
I also really like how you use Applejack in this and how she really doesn't break character even when being transformed; she's still the honest, sensible pony of the show. Ditto with Twilight, a fact made funny by the line of being a "fact-dispenser" even when hypnotized.
I don't know why, but these are honestly extremely interesting to read; even though it is the same sort of thing over and over again, it is interesting to see the variations on the process gone through by all the different characters. Keep it up! :)
what i find strange just from the rating.... is this is inside a clop folder on hypnosis
Hmm interesting. well i always did enjoy Applejack/Twilight so this is pretty good.
6433297 I don't choose where it goes with that XD
6433688 Thank you, glad you like it. :)
>going through notifications
>come on to this fic
>see's add for political party leader for the federal election the country im in is having right now
......what the fuck fimfic? first off how do you know where i live (i probably specified it in my account details) , and secondly what in the actual fuck is the new democratic party doing buying add space on fimfic?????.......
6442277 (Oh my god this made me laugh so much, brilliant. XD They must know brony sites get the most traffic. XD)
Doomed.