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The truth behind Equestria

Pinkie Pie says to Rainbow Dash, "What do you thinks outside of Equestria?"
This was her first mistake. Learn how Pinkie fools Celestia, and brings down a government, all in this exciting story of secrets, hate, and cruel and inhumane pranks, all in, "THE TRUTH BEHIND EQUESTRIA!"

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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Duffman18

Duffman18 #1 · Jun 15th, 2012 · · ·

I couldn't stop laughing the whole way through. Keep up the good work

behindcds

behindcds #2 · Jun 15th, 2012 · · ·

First of all, you have severe pacing problems, and you need to read this ENTIRE page: http://www.fictionfactor.com/guests/pacing.html

Next, get rid of the mentioning of you, the author.

Take a look at the formatting of the story and see what does not appeal to eyes and is not fun to read, such as too many straight lines of dialog and the giant block of text.

Finally, proofread for grammar and punctuation.

Good luck!

Yip

Yip #3 · Jun 15th, 2012 · · ·

Walls of text. I'd get some pre-readers before you post stuff, because the wall of text makes it annoying to read.

Starscream

Starscream #4 · Jun 15th, 2012 · · ·

749458 i know i should, and i understand. First story technically, i had no contacts. But ill edit the walls of text, and the next chapter will have a pre reader

Starscream