Cover art by BakaMeganekko on Deviantart http://bakameganekko.deviantart.com/art/Elusive-and-Barbara-392206893
When Barbara braves up to tell Elusive how she feels about him, he discovers he feels the same way. But can the mane six's friendships survive through a newfound relationship? And what happens when a certain farmer can't contain his jealousy? An r63 Sparity story.
This is one of my first multi chapter stories so please go easy on me, but constructive criticism is welcomed :)
Chapters (12)
No comments? On a complete story? Wha... Oh. Wait. It was posted today, and this is the first comment... Shit! You're ruining it Dark say something useful! Um um Looks interesting! Imma read it. Right now.
Lovely start. Just go easy on the exclams, on is enough my man.
"Began feeling" would better in place of started to develop, in this particular sentence.
Ahgoing for the old saved my life crush aye? You sly dog you.
Pacing is a bit fast, but not bad. Excited to read more.
Hmm confusing. Earlier in the story it had said that Barbara had come home to "Eat their usual supper and tell Dusk the good news" I had assumed that meant she was telling him that Elusive had asked her to the dance but I guess not... Good chapter anyways, even though I think AJ's moving a little too fast I think it makes him more in character.
Wouldn't everbody already know that Barb liked elusive? Or have the events of the show not happened?
Mm Barbara, always with a flare for the dramatic.
If Aj was giving her the silent treatment how would she know if she had been locking herself in her room for weeks? But agin even though I think Applejack would rush into asking someone he liked over with I don't think he would be so obsessively sure already.
I think stuffy would make more sense, stinking sounds more like an actual insult.
Awe, so adorable
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Flaring war? That sound bad ass... Can I have that? I really want to make acharacter called flaring war now
But... Dusk knows why Applejack's been distant, unless he assume Aj got over it and that something else is bothering him... Hmmm. Confusing.
I don't think Mares and Gentle-stallions needs to be switched... But whatever floats your boat
That was... Unexpected, and a little cliché.
So Elusive does like Barb? But used her in a way that's a little unclear... And Applejack kissed him in the middle of a fight? This has gotten really weird with a lot of things coming way out of left field.
Well. That entire gay thing, while there's nothing wrong with it, came out of no where. Though I suppose you were hinting at it by them teasing each other about it and being sensitive about it, eh sort of forced though.
The 'Elusive used Barbara' thing still confuses me a bit though. I'm just not clear on exactly how he used her.
The story was nice. I liked it. It may have chapters that could really be condensed into about four to six, a few continuity errors but aside from that it flows pretty well for a first multi-chapter story.
And also I found the use of Brony instead of pony to be endearing
6873915 Wow! I didn't expect to get comments and likes so soon! XD Thank you for giving my story an R & R.