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Fo:E Short- Sunrise
By: Michael A.
[Sad]
“Oh… the sun’ll come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that… tomorrow.”
It was once a happy song; one filled with joy and cheer. A long time ago, it could he heard resonating from a singular garden in Lower Canterlot, happily sung out as the sun began to rise, and it’s golden rays began to blanket the awaiting land.
“Just thinkin' about, tomorrow… Clears away the cobwebs, and the sorrow…”
Now, it was a ghost of its former self. Every single day, at exactly the same time, the song could still be heard even after two hundred years. But, the joy in its chorus and the happiness in the singers voice slowly faded, leaving behind a phantom echo.
“When I'm stuck a day, that's gray, and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin, and say…”
I sat on my perch, head resting comfortably in my hoof as my eyes shown forwards. I didn't know why I stayed and listened even though it only brought memories of sadness, regret, and anger flowing up from deep inside of me. Maybe it had become a routine, one that I was helpless to brake like the owner of the voice. Whatever the reason; I never interrupted.
“The sun'll come out… tomorrow So ya gotta hang on, 'til tomorrow. Come what may, tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You're always a day… a… way.”
Then silence. The song would complete, and the wasteland would, once again, fall into a dreaded silence. That is, until tomorrow, when the song would start up again, replaying as if on a broken record. And, like clockwork, I would return to my spot besides the singing mare, listing to her ghostly some from her rotten vocal cords.
It was haunting, watching her go through the same motions day after day. It wasn't just the song that repeated, no, it was her. It was like watching the same day happening over, and over again, and being completely helpless to change what happened. I had tried. Tried to stop her endless cycle. But, it had ended with failure, with the song starting up at the exact same time the next morning.
Yes, the sun would come up again, but behind the veil of a cloud layer forever clouding it’s solar rays. The Wasteland would awaken, bringing with it the hell that it had become. Monsters stirred, mutated creatures would awaken, and savage beasts that had once been pony would crawl out from their blood soaked dens to continue their plague upon the Wasteland.
And, like clockwork, my Mom would rise from her bed, attempt the same breakfast from ingredients that had run dry countless years ago, then trot out the door of our small home at the edge of the purple cloud’s reach, and sing her haunted song:
“Oh… the sun’ll come out, tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that… tomorrow.”
6921510
If this is a submission, you're submitting it to the wrong place ...
6921618 Well… sorta. It was actually something that popped into my head after reading this, and not actually a response to the prompt itself. Plus, it doesn't meet the minimum requirement for either the contest or for a story itself. So… yeah, I was a little lost on where to put it at first, but I eventually said, "Screw it!" and posted it as a comment, as it is more of a reply to what I read then anything.
Figured you'd say something, but I honestly didn't know where to put the damned thing. Seriously. I thought of it, wrote it, then sat at a loss of what to do next. Le shrug.
~ Neon Lights
Well I like this one, it has a lot of wit to it. I think love this lemon frisk character, also is that an undertale reference?
6922442
You should check out 'the Daily Unlife' then. Lemon Frisk is the protagonist of that story.
6922442
Hah, not at all. Lemon Frisk is quite a lot older than Undertale. He's the protagonist of my story, The Daily Unlife. So, if you want more of him, go check it out, TDU is all about him
Hmm. This needs some work. First, there's the tense inconsistency. You jump from past to present on several occasions. Then there's the numbers. Don't use digits in text; unless they're overly complex (like, three digits or more, and all different), write them out as words. "Fifteen", not "15". And finally, a small nitpick on the quotation tags: in the classic "s/he said" construction, the actual "s/he said" part behind a quote shouldn't start with a capital letter unless it's a name. And when splitting a sentence on a comma and putting the "s/he said" in between, the second part should obviously also not have a capital letter.
One more on the tense: if you're referring to past events when already in past tense, you need past perfect: "The town’s mayor talked about an emergency escape plan a few months ago" should be "The town’s mayor [had talked] about an emergency escape plan a few months [before]".
On the story content... well. The whole first scene in italics doesn't seem to serve any purpose, story-wise, except establish that somehow they live in a completely idyllic village in the Equestrian Wastelands. The mother expresses hope that everything will be better soon, despite nothing written up to that point giving any indication that anything bad at all happens there. Only the final scene of the story, much, much later, mentions problems with caravans, but in the context of these first scenes, that "everything was going to be better soon" line makes no sense at all. The mother is also somehow a pegasus, while the very very few pegasi that live on the ground are all Enclave exiles, canonically.
Overall, the characters all come across as people who have no idea how life works in the wastelands, which is really strange if you live there. Death and attacks and risking their lives should be a daily concern to them, but instead they're shocked and horrified at the thought of having to fight to survive. As a whole, it doesn't really come across as very believable.
Are you a native English speaker? There are some really awkward sentence constructions in there, like "why you decided to this now". There is also some serious tense inconsistency in there. You switch between present and past all the time, even inside the dialogue.
On the story... well, I think they're getting a bit ahead of things if they decided that the end of the world was already the foreseen outcome of the war; sure, the megaspell threat was real, but Equestria was winning, by the end.
The main part, with the song, is pretty nice, though a lot of it is honestly just you describing the song as you listened to it. I'm also not sure how the song would be relevant to wartime Scootaloo, who had made it big all on her own and had already become a wealthy industrial magnate at that point.
The end with the Fallout 4 cryo-stable honestly felt tacked on. I see no need whatsoever to add that; in fact, this story would probably be a lot better with either a completely open ending where no one knows what happened to those two, or with someone finding that record in the ruins and wondering if DJ P0n-3 would be interested in it, implying that while they may have died, their song lived on.
This was nowhere near the 2000 word mark that was technically required for the collab...
But damn, man. This is some amazing writing. Seriously blew me away. Wow.
Hah. Lovely.
Probably that same dragon that attacked Neighvarro, but let's not mention that to the poor pegasus
There's no "they" to limit it in the first place, basically
Though kids usually get limited by the amount of food; they tend to die off pretty quickly if there's not enough.
But... NPCs aren't supposed to attack people!
If it's any consolation, she probably beat you to the expression, Cloud Hopper
Yeah. Saw that coming
Wow. This one was great. Thank you, Incendiary Lemons.
Ghoul Love. Surprisingly touching, if a bit squishy.
A couple of times, you slipped into present tense. Other than that, this was cute.
Oh, right in the feels, man. Right in the damned feels.
Thank god someone edited this from my placeholder before it got published
7024123
I aim to please... No, I just aim for the feels, actually
Rereading my own work, I see so many little things I wish I had changed.
Meh. I may post an editted standalone version in a few days. Is there any rules against that?
7024314
Not really, no. It was even said in the anthology thread to feel free to do so. I did it for my first submission, too, and will probably be adding Night of the Loving Dead to my own account soon as well.
Heck, if you do, I might just update this with your fixed version
7024296
* bows *
7028733
You need to go into the actual chapter before replying to a comment. When replying from the main index, the comment ends up on the last chapter, and the person you're replying to gets no notification if the reply is in a different chapter than the original comment
7028827
Eh. Sure about that? I get reply notifications anywhere on a story, even under the circumstances you're referring to. I remember you and Plum talking about it, and he thought it was a bug or something. It's definitely not something I've experienced, as far as I know.
6996242 Thank you. I really struggled with trying to get this one written, and as such it just fell flat on its face well short of the mark. I am glad that Interloper said it was okay to include it.
6996242 Also sorry it took so long to reply. I just saw the comment.
7028886
Are you getting a notification about this? :)
So how much later after TDU is Lemon and Misty here?
Wow..... just wow... so so sad yet uplifting in one fall swoop.
His son is waiting for Daddy
and his wife can finally move on because her love is happy once again 
Now I really want to see their eventual meeting in pony heaven.
Very cute
7044103
Sorry. Not going there. I can do ghosts, but the actual afterlife is a mystery... as it should be
Well, usually tectonics counter that
...lit? That seems like a bit unsettling. Ruins are generally of the "bring your own light" kind
Wait, they shot a shotgun into a window? Could've just knocked it out with the butt of the gun. Not to mention, glass shards absolutely everywhere, this way
Heh. The pipbuck is a "she"?
Yeah, that was about the first thing I noticed. Light usually means someone's there, so it's quite dangerous to miss that
Y'know, stuff like that can be written like a normal quoted sentence with a s/he said type construction, just with italics tags instead of quotation marks:
There is something seriously wrong with this building, much less this whole town, I think whilst walking down the stairs
Side note, "much less" is used to follow a negation, which this isn't. To affirm, something like "in fact," or "or, hell," could be used.
That's a very peculair thought for a wastelander. This sounds like it comes from a mindset that's used to them managing the weather, or at least learned about it as being the norm, while they haven't done that in literal centuries. Then again, pony wears a pipbuck, so it might be a Stable pony?
(As always, I'm hoping this'll lead to interesting revelations rather than plot holes
)
Another bizarre thought. A lot of cities had spells smuggled into them and such, and right after the attack was pure chaos, so I can't imagine anyone even being able to keep track of exactly which cities were hit. I know you're trying to set this place up as an oddity, but you do have to consider those things...
A... water-creating megaspell?
Ow. That thing came down instead of blowing up?
I assume you mean "stable" there?
Anyway, confirmed as stable pony who's been out here for years. Mkay.
Really? Before, you mentioned the "closed" sky. That generally implies knowing it's actually "closed" and not just "cloudy".
Um, they started?
Star Wars style?
...arms?
I'd be the last to be nitpicky about weapons, but umm... there's no such thing as a shotgun that fires armor piercing rounds. They don't fire "rounds" at all; they fire shells full of pellets
There's something wrong with this sentence. And I mean beyond the mixing up of "breath" and "breathe"
[edit] Oh. Should probably be "given [no] time " [/edit]
Bit too Hollywood. Technically, if the rounds penetrate, the victim barely get any force from it, since the rounds would only push against them if they don't go through. And AP rounds, by definition, are very much meant to go through stuff
Uh. Why/how does the main character even know that timer? Doesn't make much sense. You can't just do stuff like that in first person perspective.
Welp. Overall, nice idea, but the execution needs a bit more care; there are quite a lot of inconsistencies in the details.
On the technical side... some its/it's errors, a few inconsistencies in the line spacing, and you should look up the correct way to do classic "s/he said" style constructions; they needs commas. I advise looking them up in the fimfic writing guide; it's in the dropdown under "FAQ". There's also a lot of capitalized words (Balefire, Megaspell, Energy beams, Charge) which really have no reason to be capitalized. Are you German, by any chance? They got grammar rules about capitalizing nouns...
7044094
Ugh. I'd have to look it up in my notes, but... about 5-7 years I think.
7029512
Eh, no problem. Not as if you get notifications for people posting on 'your' chapters in this collab
Hmm. This one has some problems. The concept of the ghoul going feral is a nice idea to build on, but the "sunshine and rainbows" thing felt completely tacked on, and had no relevance whatsoever to any of the story, really. I also don't quite get why the son also randomly went feral at the end.
On the technical side... a couple of switches between tenses, but that's not the main offender here. This thing needs periods. Lots of periods. Preferably replacing commas. Quotes should not be connected to the rest of the sentence with commas except if that rest of the sentence is a "s/he said" type construction. This way it's just really confusing.
A few examples of grammatical oddities:
> I looked up at Raggedy Cloth, the bartender, and growled,”Your stuff is still horrible.” I said
Both "growled" and "said" are speaking verbs. This quote has two "s/he said" type expressions connected to it. Quite redundant.
> I take another swig of my drink, only to hear a stallion scream in pain,’Here we go!’ I thought
Grammatically speaking, the quoted part is connected to the sentence before it, not the one behind it, meaning this would be interpreted as someone screaming "here we go!" in pain.
D'aww. I thought this would just be a lot of melancholy, and a ghoul trying to keep himself sane by writing down their history each year, and then you actually made her show up at the end, even despite the lighthouse's lamp not working.
Very nice
On the grammar side... a few it's/its errors, but that's all
It all felt rather... pointless, actually. In fact, there's barely anything Fallout Equestria related about this besides the intro, and even that didn't make much sense; changelings all have blue eyes canonically.
7024314
Hah. 'Friend'. I see what you did there
Not sure "dropping your weapon during a fight" is the right thing to do. Especially when fighting an enemy who's completely used to that sight
Well. This was a nice collection of shorts tied together by that "meeting in different lives" premise.
Though, that premise kind of fails for the second pair; Shutter says "I don’t really keep track of time since the bombs dropped", which implies he did keep track of time before the bombs dropped... which means they were alive at the same time as Lyra and Bon Bon
On the grammar /spelling errors side: nothing too hideous; just a couple of its/it's errors, a 'hoard' instead of a 'horde', a 'laid' that should be 'lay', and I think there's a 'with' missing in "I’m done all this fighting". Oh, and there's an extra quote somewhere in the aforementioned "keep track of time" line.
7078800
Thanks for pointing out those mistakes. I'll be sure to fix those before I post the story to my page.
The dropping your weapon thing was more out of shock than anything. In my mind, if you're seeing the sun for the first time, you're going to be more than a little surprised.
As for the second pair, I'd originally meant the story to have each couple be more of a comparison than what I ended up doing. I thought I'd fixed all those little errors when I rewrote the second part.
Huh.
That was certainly... interesting. Would be nice to get some more hints what it was all about, though
7078847
Heh, I know, I was just being cynical.
It turned out all right, anyway
What is he hoping to accomplish against an air raid with a machine gun? You can't exactly shoot bombs out of the air
Ummmm. Why would they throw four nukes on one single city?
Welp. That turned quite dark
Ahh, wow. A feral ghoul companion That's a new one
(takes "senile old grandpa" to a whole new level
)
Remarks and corrections:
> Brass brought the package around and presented it to Rose, it was a small [...]
> Rose gasped when she opened it, inside were two silver necklaces, the pendants were matching halves [...]
> [...] he said, "now go, I'll come when I can."
There are a ton of comma splices in this; sentences that should be separate but are connected by commas. All of the commas in these quoted pieces should be sentence breaks. These are just a few examples; there are a lot more.
> toward the bedroom done
Not sure what the "done" is doing there.
> the happiest day of my live
should be "life".
> Might even have to preform a little
perform
> air ride sirens.
air [raid] sirens
> This is an abuse use of power!
Kinda redundant. Just "an abuse of power" without the extra "use" is enough.
> when the thundering boom of the first bailfire bomb sounded
Heh. Fairly sure that's "balefire"
> voice becoming gravely
gravelly
> to the Sable door
"the [Stable] door"
> and laid down at the foot of memorial.
"and [lay] down"
7160984
Crowd control. A machine gun might do diddly-squat against a missile, but it sure is effective at keeping ponies in line.
The zebras obviously wanted to be extra sure that the city was destroyed.
Defenintaly makes trips into town interesting, thats for sure.
"I told you last time not to bring the zombie back!" the guard called down from the top of the town wall.
"But he's tame!" Rose called back up, "He wouldn't hurt a fly!"
"He ate the last group of ponies we ran across, Rose, and you called it cute." Mac said.
"They were raiders so they don't count."
"The last one was still alive when Brass started on him. I can still hear his screams."
"Ok, fine. He won't attack unless you threaten us. Now can you please let us in?"
"The zombie stays outside or you don't come in," the guard said.
"Ugh, fine! Brass, stay, ok? We'll be back before dark. . . And don't eat anypony!"
As for the corrections, thanks. I will fix them as soon as I can.
7166749
Heehee