Episode 9
The Pony Variety Show!
The crowd jostles and presses as they approach the big theatre doors, struggling to get into the already choked entryway. Sitting atop the awning that leads into the building, Discord leans back, chuckling uproariously as he watches. He is holding a giant popcorn kernel, pulling paper bags out of it and eating them.
"Mahahahahaha! Wonderful! There's nothing like watching people get all worked up just to watch a show! Ooh, look at that! What do you get when two bronies get rough with Cherry Jubilee? Two kicks in the cobbler! Hehehahahaha!"
You manage to squeeze through the press of ponies and bronies, infiltrating the building after a fierce struggle against some lumbering mass of muscle that insisted today was the day he'd get to hug Fluttershy. Passing by the currently unoccupied election and suggestion booths, you get to a massive jumble of people that stand between you and the snack cart.
Delightfully delectable aromas stream sumptuously from the steaming oven, where beautifully baked goods temptingly tease your senses as they bubble and warm. The goodness of the treats seems to have a similar effect upon the rest of the hungry theatre goers, who struggle to get to the front of the line.
"Hold yer horses, ev'rypony! We're gettin' to 'em as fast as we can," Applejack hollers! She dashes from oven to crowd, delivering piping hot treats to the waiting ponies and bronies.
"Order up," Pinkie Pie calls, tossing several desserts into the audience, who scramble to grab them up! "My, the mob is hungry today!"
"Less talkin', more bakin', Pinkie! Ah can't hold 'em off forever!"
"Okie dokie!"
You finally manage to snatch some treats, then work your way down into the theatre proper, where the crowd slowly grows thinner as they find their seats amidst the dim lights of the theatre hall. Squeezing past a half-dozen seated individuals, you finally plop down wearily into an unoccupied chair.
Twilight Sparkle emerges from behind the thick, red curtains, a microphone floating along with her as she steps up. "Hello everypony! Welcome to the Pony Variety Show! Since Spike is going to be a big part of today's show, I've volunteered to fill in as host!"
Spike peers out from behind the curtain, stage whispering to you all with a claw hiding his mouth from Twilight. "She lost a bet, and now she has to do my chores for a week!"
"Ahem! Do you mind," Twilight interrupts, making more of a statement than asking a question. "For today's show, we decided to answer all of the fanmail we've been receiving, just for you! Now, let's hear a big round of applause for the PVS! Singing crew!"
The curtain sweeps aside, revealing Derpy Whooves, who is wearing a tuxedo, a top hat, and carrying a gold knobbed cane. She promptly begins doing the can-can, singing cheerfully off-key as she attempts the entire performance by herself.
"Oh welcome to the snow-snow-snow!
Let's get oars and row-row-row!
You bogeys eat a pear-pear-pear,
It's our tights to scare-scare-scare!
What's- Hey, is that a muffin!?"
Derpy abruptly breaks off in mid-song, lunging from the stage at an unfortunate, muffin-eating brony. Twilight, who was busy facehoofing, looks up in alarm as their only stage singer accosts the audience.
"Derpy Whooves! Leave that poor brony alone! You're supposed to be singing! Where are the rest of the singers, anyway," Twilight rages!?
Spike makes another return, a sheepish grin on his face. "Well, apparently you signed some kind of agreement to give them the week off. I heard it had something to do with you being half-conscious, lots of vanilla ice cream, a telephone pole, and an indoor hurricane. Don't ask me how it happened, I was napping!"
A sturdy brown earth pony comes trotting into the audience, apprehending the rogue mare, then departs, carrying her over his burly shoulder. Derpy squirms and thrashes, still reaching for the brony's muffin.
"Noooo! Muffiny goodness!"
"Aheheheh… let's just get back to the show," Twilight mumbles, her expression flushed with embarrassment.
The curtains sweep open, revealing the other girls and Spike, standing before the otherwise unadorned stage. They all step forward, with Spike carrying a fanmail bag upon his back.
"Howdy y'all! How's about them desserts," Applejack asks? She puts a hoof to her ear, grinning as the audience cheers for Pinkie Pie and her snack cart food.
"Heh, they're all a bunch of tarts," Geri Fore grumbles from his seat in the private booth.
"What? The snack food? Of course they are," Mr. Waddle replies, grinning.
"No, not the food, the audience," Geri replies!
"Dohohohohoho!"
Your attention is returned to the stage by Spike, who opens one of the letters. Coughing importantly into his hand, the little dragon begins to read. "Our first question reads, 'What would you be doing if you weren't working your usual jobs, or on the Pony Variety Show!?' Hmm… who'd care to tackle this one first?"
He looks over at the girls, who all seem lost in thought for a moment. Rainbow Dash answers first. "Even if I wasn't going for the Wonderbolts, I'd still want to be either doing stunts, or talking about them! Maybe I could even be a sports commentator! I can see it now!"
Even as Rainbow Dash speaks, the holoprojector creates a vast stadium, with the girls all standing in the commentator booth. Down below, two teams of ball players are lining up on the playing field. Rainbow Dash goes over to the mic, picking it up.
"Boy we've had a good game today! The Manehattan Mustangs have really put the heat on the Phillydelphia Prancers! That last drive has put the Mustangs two scores over the Prancers, and number forty-two, Canterburl is in top form! Wait! Hold your horses! Hailmary has just thrown a hail mary! Right Winger has the ball! He's on the thirty, the twenty, the ten! Touchdown Prancers! It looks like Right Winger has brought the Prancers back in this game, folks!"
The hologram fades as Rainbow's eyes shine, lost in her own daydream. Rarity shakes her head, a haughty expression crossing her face. "Hardly a proper occupation. Now home decor, there's a line of work a girl could get behind."
A new background floods over the stage, a high, vaulted ceiling, tall windows, and elegant furnishing. "If I had to give up my beautiful dresses, then at least I could make homes, businesses, and places of public office look absolutely dazzling! I would lace fine curtains, select furnishings to add just the right touch, and design lighting that would make the entire room look fabulous! Now that is a proper career, Rainbow Dash."
"Hey, sports are a perfectly good career! It would pay way more than your silly couches!"
"Oh, why I never! A proper settee or love seat should never be taken to such a lowly description as the common couch! You are so unsophisticated," Rarity retorts. The two ponies look like they are going to keep arguing, when they are cut off by Fluttershy, of all ponies. She steps up between them, separating the irate pair.
"Um… If you don't mind, I'd like to talk about what I'd want to do," she puts in.
"Of course, dear. Go right on ahead," Rarity replies generously.
"Meh, whatever! I'm gonna go see what's on the sports channel. Call me when you guys need me again." Rainbow Dash glides off into the back, leaving a frustrated Twilight Sparkle staring after her.
"So… as much as I like caring for my animals, I have always sort of like sewing. I wouldn't mind working with Rarity as a clothing designer, or maybe even a design consultant, where I wouldn't have to be involved, but I could still help with all of the beautiful outfits. That would be so much more wonderful than trying to be a model."
"Heehee, I think you'd be really good at that, Fluttershy," Pinkie Pie pipes up. "You know what you'd be even better at?"
"What is that, Pinkie?"
"Counseling! I mean think about it. Having ponies come to you with their problems, then helping them to make the problems go away. You'd be great at it!"
"Well… I suppose so. I do like helping ponies," Fluttershy answers.
Pinkie Pie wraps a hoof over Fluttershy's shoulders. "I know you do, and you'd be good at it! Now me, I'd really like to be a party planner, or an entertainer!"
"Uh, Pinkie, don't you already do that," Twilight asks, raising an eyebrow at her friend?
"Sure, but I don't do it as a job yet! I would love to go all over Equestria, bringing smiles and cheer to everypony! It would be the bestest best job ever!"
"I suppose it would be a good job for you," Twilight answers. "Personally, I'd like to be a teacher. Helping young ponies to find their way would be quite rewarding. How about you, Applejack?"
"Well shucks! Ah nev'r gave a lot o' thought to it. Ah suppose ah might take up baking, y'know, makin' treats an' stuff. The problem is, ah've used just about ev'ry skill ah got in the biz at some point er other. Ah'm a hard worker though, so ah suppose ah could do just about anythin' given the proper motivation."
"Thanks for the fanmail everypony! We'll talk to you again, after the break," Twilight announces with a smile!
* * *
The curtains close as stagehands bustle about to set up something behind their thick red folds. It takes just long enough for you to set out on a restroom break and return for the work to be completed. Sliding aside, the shielding curtains reveal a newsroom, complete with monitors covering the back wall, and ponies bustling about everywhere, doing their best to look officious and busy. Sitting at the news desk, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all look out at you, serious expressions on their faces.
"Welcome back to the Cutie Mark News Network, your source for the Ruler of Everything and PVS! Singoff election news," Sweetie Belle says, her expression remaining neutral.
"Today's top stories are the ongoing election debate, and the final voting for the Singoff results," Scootaloo says. She turns to Apple Bloom, a smile growing on her face. "So Applebloom, how is the big election poll going?"
Apple Bloom in turn gestures to a monitor, where the electoral parties' heads are displayed, with colored lines extending out next to them. "As ya can clearly see, the election's a close one, with Princess Luna holdin' on to a short lead over her sis at 43.4% of the votes. Celestia is a lil ways back, at 30.4%, an' the surprise upset of Cap'n Literal runnin' in third at 17.4%. Queen Chrysalis an' Iron Will trail at 4.4% each, with Trixie, Flim, an' Flam draggin' behind with no votes."
"It looks like fan favorite Princess Luna will take this election unless there's a big upset!" Sweetie Belle looks over at her fellow newscasters. "There's still three weeks left in the voting. Anything could happen!"
Scootaloo takes up the conversation next, reporting on the finals of the Singoff. "We've tallied the votes, folks, finding out which singers you said were the best of the litter, and here's the answer!" She pulls out a notecard, looking over it before glancing up, a smile on her face.
"In third place, we have Tragicom's Tragicom, singing 'I am the Very Model of a My Little Pony OC'! Way to go, you did a great job on that one!" Scootaloo grins, and up in the front row, Tragicom stands, takes a polite bow in response to the clapping ponies and bronies, then returns to his seat.
"Our second place has a tie! It seems that TheAssumingMage's Triverus Mage and Cornlover's River Water both received the same point vote! Congratulations to you both for taking second!"
Triverus Mage nods, while the usually shy two horned unicorn, River Water bounds up and down cheering gleefully. Applause thunders for the victorious pair, then dies down as a drumroll begins to play over the sound system.
"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the big winner, with nearly double the votes of anypony else… it's Ninjuto's Raining Fire, singing 'Baby Got Flank!' Congratulations Raining Fire! You're our big winner today!" Thunderous applause greets the grinning earth pony as he waves his hooves in the air victoriously.
As things finally settle down again, Sweetie Belle makes the final competition announcement. "We would also like to make an honorable mention of Captain Literal, who got more one point votes than any other pony in the competition! Thank you Captain!"
The rambunctious pegasus lifts a hoof in victory, unable to move the rest of his body, however, from the heavy casts that still encumber him from last week's disaster.
"This has been a special r'port with your hosts, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, an' Apple Bloom." The earth pony filly announces.
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER NEWSCASTERS, SIGNING OFF!"
With that, the curtain falls again.
* * *
The girls return to the stage, this time with a few other ponies in tow. The first is an off-blue unicorn stallion, his horn little more than a stub sticking up through a messy red mane. Next to him, the massive brown stallion from earlier stands as if chiseled out of stone. He has a blond mane and is marked with the scars of old battles. The last one is a tan earth pony mare with a riotous red, yellow, and brown mane. She snorts reluctantly as Rainbow Dash nudges her up with the others.
Twilight taps the mic, then introduces the newcomers. "We've decided that in the interest of sharing everypony's thoughts, and not just the ponies you know, please welcome some of our stage crew and security. First, I'd like to introduce you to Boldheart, head of backstage organization and safety."
The blue OC, clearly unaccustomed to standing onstage gives an embarrassed grin, taking a slow bow at the scattered applause. He speaks up reluctantly. "Thank you everypony. I'm glad to be here."
"Next, our very own head of security, Sergeant Ramrod," Twilight announces. The burly Guard pony nods in response, his expression entirely unchanged.
"Finally, we have our rigger and stage rope expert, Zann." Twilight gestures to the third member of the party, who squints at her slightly. She squints out at you, apparently irritated with the bright lights and attention.
"Can I go backstage yet," the mare asks?
"Ahahaha… oh don't be silly. You should at the very least answer one question," Twilight tries to encourage.
"If I have to."
"That's better. Spike, could you read the question for us?"
"Sure thing," the little reptile answers with a grin. "The question is, 'what is your zombie plan?' Huh, that's a strange one. What's a zombie plan, Twilight?"
"Hahaha! Well, I know who's dying first when the zombies come," Rainbow Dash laughs! "It's your plan for how to deal with zombies when the zombie apocalypse happens, just like in Daring Do and the Night of the Dead! Everypony should have a zombie plan!"
"Oh, were we supposed to have one? I may have forgot…" Fluttershy remarks hesitantly.
"Well, there's two casualties! Anypony else have no plan whatsoever," Rainbow Dash questions?
"If you're so smart, what's your plan?" Rarity squints at her, apparently annoyed by the teasing pegasus.
"As it just so happens, I've got a foal-proof zombie plan! Not only do I have a home that can only be reached by flying, I'm also equipped with loads of snacks, just in case I have to keep myself holed up for long periods of time! Nopony'll catch me being unprepared for zombies!"
"That is your foal-proof plan? Honestly, that hardly counts as preparing," Rarity chides.
"Oh, and your plan is so much better?"
"Actually, I don't believe in zombies. They are little more than nonsense and superstition. Of course, if they did show up and stained my dresses, I'd RIP them to SHREDS!"
The other ponies all take a step back in surprise, save for Sgt. Ramrod, who merely lifts an eyebrow at the mare's outburst.
"Uh, okay. So how about the rest of you. Does anypony else have a zombie plan," Twilight asks?
"Sure," Pinkie Pie pipes up! "I've got chainsaws stashed all over Ponyville, in case of chainsaw emergency! They're even better than normal chainsaws though, because I used napalm as lubricant. That way, I can set them on fire and cut them into little bitty bits at the same time!"
Even Sgt. Ramrod moves a little further away from Pinkie at her cheerful description of garden tool use. "That may not be the best thing to tell others, Pinkie," the Sergeant explains, his voice almost fatherly.
"Why is that? Ooh… I forgot that we're not trying to scare anypony. So, uh, no… I don't have any kind of zombie plan." Pinkie smiles, doing her best to look convincing.
"So anyways, mah zombie plan is ta hole up in our cellar at Sweet Apple Acres, with loads of apples, some guns, pitchforks, an' a whole lot o' wagons fer barricades," Applejack explains, smiling proudly at her plan.
"That's your plan, AJ? Bahahaha! You've been watching too much 'Walking Dead', haven't you!?" Rainbow Dash drops over laughing, bringing a frown to her friend's face.
"It's a whole lot better'n yours, Rainbow! All ya've got fer yerself is a lil cloud house an' some snacks. At least we got proper gear."
"Pssh! Gear is overrated." Rainbow Dash waves a hoof at her. "What do I need gear for when they can't even reach me?"
"What if they're flyin' zombies?" Applejack grins competitively.
"Uh… there's no such thing! You're just making stuff up," Rainbow Dash replies, too proud to let herself lose the argument.
"No ah'm not! There might be pegasus ponies who're zombies," Applejack replies! The two ponies go nose to nose, gritting their teeth.
"Alright, that's enough out of both of you." Sgt. Ramrod interposes himself between them. "I'll share my plan, if it gets you two to stop. If I were to deal with such an apocalypse, my recourse could be to find the most immediate secure location, such as a reinforced basement, concrete building, or other defensible structure, seal off it's entrances thoroughly, then make sorties out to collect weapons and supplies. I can not depend on being in a safe place, so I must be prepared to create one wherever the event may be."
"A well thought out plan, thank you Sergeant," Twilight Sparkle exclaims with a smile. "I likewise have a well organized plan for how to deal with the zombie apocalypse."
The lavender unicorn draws out a thick bundle of maps and a long, rolled up list that she was somehow carrying with her. "I started by mapping out all of the safest, most secure locations in Ponyville, Canterlot, Manehattan, Las Pegasus, Phillydelphia, and several minor towns as well. Then I proceeded to set up this one-thousand four-hundred and ninety-two item checklist of objectives that must be successfully procured, achieved, or targeted for the duration of the apocalypse. I also prepared an addendum for capturing zombies for study and possible reversal of whatever virus, disaster, or curse could have conceivably created the malignant malady in the first place. This way, I will not only survive the apocalypse, I very well may become it's hero!"
"Wait," Rainbow Dash interrupts. "You're actually planning on bringing zombies into your security? Well that settles that, you're a zombie bait scientist."
"Rainbow Dash, I'm sure I can handle one or two little zombies."
"That's what all the egghead science types say." Rainbow Dash shakes her head. "They're always the ones who nearly doom us all."
Twilight rolls her eyes, then turns to the two remaining ponies for their opinions. "Okay, how about you, Boldheart?"
"Well, it seems to me that we have to be a little more concerned with fixing the problem, and less about caring only for ourselves. I would probably go with somepony else who's prepared, find a way to get all of the survivors in touch with each other, then coordinate an effective effort to locate the source of the problem, and get rid of it."
"So you're one of those hopeless idealist types! I'll chalk you up to zombie food too," Rainbow Dash teases.
"Are you quite done, Rainbow?" Twilight snorts.
"Who me? Nah, I'm just getting warmed up."
"Well, if you ask me, there's only one way to deal with zombies," The quiet Zanny speaks up, baring some unnaturally sharpened fangs in a chilling grin. "I've been stocking guns, ammunition, food supplies, and other necessities for years. My home is guarded by land mines, and can be sealed off from the rest of the outside world indefinitely."
"Now that's what I call a zombie plan! Brohoof!" Rainbow Dash steps up, beating her hoof against Zanny's. The others, even more disturbed by the strange stagehand's response than the others' ideas, back up a couple of nervous paces, save for Ramrod, who nods in approval.
"Well… luckily I don't think we're gonna have to deal with any zombie apocalypses-" Twilight is interrupted by a mute, quivering Fluttershy. "What is it? What's-"
Twilight's mouth drops open in horror as her eyes fix on the source of Fluttershy's distress. From backstage, a packed crowd of stagehands stumble forward, chunks of flesh missing all over them as they moan, advancing in a relentless wave.
Reaching behind one of the curtains, Pinkie Pie pulls out a chainsaw, which she promptly ignites with a lighter. "Party time!"
* * *
One short, Discord induced zombie apocalypse later, you get back to your seat, which seems to have been cut in two and sewn back together with bubblegum. The number of audience members have thinned out, both from fake zombie infections and those who were simply too scared to return.
Up in their private box, the Mr. Waddle and Geri Fore look down over the mess, each holding a golf club.
"I think they're all gone," Mr. Waddle says.
"Is that a zombie joke," Geri asks?
"Nope, but if they were half gone it would be!"
"Dohohohohoho!"
Up on the stage, Twilight tries to reorganize the show, getting stage hands to repair rents in the curtains, plug up bullet holes in the woodwork, and wipe up all of the blood. With an exasperated sigh, she looks up at the control box. "Can we get a commercial while we try to sort this out?"
"Sure thing, boss," Somepony responds from high above.
The holoprojectors activate, covering the entire stage in an illusion as the crew toils to repair the damage.
* * *
The paired grins of Flim and Flam emerge from behind the curtains to the left, their horns glowing as they feed power to a mobile display cart, upon which rest several hoof sized containers. Each one bears the cutie mark of Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie, with matching colors to the famous ponies.
"Hello brony community! Are you familiar with deodorant? Apparently not," Flim exclaims! "In fact, judging by the smell in here, this room's a stable!"
Much of the audience starts looking around with raised eyebrows at the remark. "You do know this room is half full of ponies, right?"
"Of course we do, and it still stinks," Flam answers. "That's why we've created this very special product, just for you bronies!"
"Please allow us to introduce you to our Perspiration Pounding Pony Poignant Flim Flam Brothers Deodorant!" Flim throws out a hoof, displaying the product, which glistens and shimmers with TV-like effects. "This great deodorant is specially scented to smell like your favorite pony!"
Flam scoops up the apple marked container, and promptly imitates rubbing it under his right foreleg. "Ever wanted to spread a little Applejack Apple into that armpit?" He quickly switches containers. "Or how about rubbing some Radiant Rarity Vanilla up under those arms?"
"And who doesn't want to put Pinkie Pie Popping Pepper Bubblegum in those pits?" Flim takes up after his brother, running the pink container under his own arm.
Off to one side of the stage, Applejack and Rarity stand there, their mouths agape at the embarrassing display. Pinkie Pie, however, is having no such problems, and is lying on the floor, laughing until she snorts like a pig. Her eyes pop comically with her snorting giggle, causing several audience members to chuckle along with her.
Rarity, having had enough of the display, turns the the recently arrived Twilight Sparkle, voicing her complaint in a rather whiny manner. "Twilight, will you please stop them!? It's just revolting!"
Twilight grins awkwardly at her friends. "Well, they did pay for the time, and I gotta admit, it is kinda funn-"
She cuts herself off when Flim picks up the Twilight themed container. He pops it open, glancing at the lavender unicorn with raised eyebrows.
"What is he… no! Eww!" Twilight's distress is made clear when he licks the deodorant, which looks quite a bit like her coat, then starts rubbing it slowly up his armpit.
"Okay, that's it! Show's over." Twilight's voice hits a flat note as she lights her horn, dropping the curtain squarely upon the two salesponies.
Flim and Flam squirm and thrash as they make an undignified retreat with their new product. Flam can't resist a final comment, however, and pops his head through the curtains. "Be sure to check out our booth when you exit! We've got loads of product, just waiting for you!"
With that, the troublesome duo retreats, and the show goes onward.
* * *
Rarity and Chrysalis emerge from behind the curtains next, each with a message floating with them. The changeling Queen holds back while her snowy counterpart steps up to the mic.
"Hello everypony, as you all know, I'm Ms. Rarity, and today I've gotten a question from a fan about relationships."
Her horn glows in a soft, blue light, opening the letter. She clears her throat. "Brony Rainbow Dash came to me a while back and asked, 'What do you when you can't get the colt or filly of your dreams and you find yourself just not enough?' Today I'd like to answer that, not just for him, but for all of you out there who have struggled in relationships."
"First, you need to be confident. If all you do is stammer and stare, you're more likely to make them feel awkward than get their attention. Hold your chin up, speak clearly, and don't be afraid to just talk to them. As romantic as confessing your feelings might seem, it's often better to just have a talk."
Rarity walks the breadth of the stage continuing her explanation as she does. "Second, let him or her know how you feel, but don't make it into a scene. You should never be shy about expressing your feelings, so long as you don't let them get the better of you."
"Finally, if things don't go the way you want, just give it time. If you really love somepony, you must be willing to wait for them, and even give them up if they don't want you the same way. Relationships have a funny way of making ponies lose their heads, and sometimes, the thing you thought you loved about somepony doesn't end up being what you thought it was. Patience is not only a virtue, but a sign that you love someone enough to wait for them."
"I hope this answers your question, dear. I wish you all the best of luck in love, and will gladly talk to you more about it if you need some relationship advice." She steps back allowing Chrysalis to take the stage.
The changeling snuffs irritably. "I have only come here because I have to. Being a ruler is busy work, and I don't have time for all of this nonsense."
She flips the envelope open with an aura of green magic, then begins to read.
"Dear Chrysalis,
I bet you already know I voted for you! Don't congratulate yourself early. I've sent you this letter to tell you why I would vote for someone like you. It's because you have the most potential. You are 100% correct in the fact that changelings, donkeys, mules, and other creatures have been discriminated against by ponies. The others probably won't change that. What you can do, however, is not just give changelings and the others rights. You can give them to ponies too. Give all creatures freedom and you will do two major things. You will gan support from all races, and you will disgrace Celestia. You will show that it is possible for all races to live together in harmony, not just ponies. Just a penny for your thoughts my Queen. I wish you the best of luck, and give Pinkie my best wishes.
Your faithful servant,
DjPyro3"
Chrysalis stares at the note for several moments after reading it, her head leaning slightly to one side. "I… well this is… ahem, I think I will reserve commenting on this to myself…"
With that, the changeling Queen makes her way into the back, her quiet, plodding pace drawing a surprisingly concerned look from Rarity. She takes one look back at you all, then follows after Chrysalis, worry spreading upon her face.
* * *
Twilight returns to the stage, an unusually vengeful smile on her face. "The girls and I have been getting tired of being spied on by Bluenose and Yellowbelly, so we naturally turned the tables. Who'd like to see what we got?"
Cheers, shouts of encouragement, and applause ring out from the audience around you. Twilight's self-satisfied smile grows with the approval. She looks backstage, calling out to the others. "Okay girls, put it on for everypony!"
She steps aside as the monitor lowers down from the ceiling. As the massive display screen glows to life, Twilight smiles coldly. "Now everypony will see what's really going on with those two."
On the screen, you see the camera fixed upon the door of what appears to be a broom closet, the faintly shadowed outline of a curly mane is cast across the portal by a wan, flickering light. Two ponies can be heard whispering to each other.
"Are you sure this is the right place," the first voice asks?
"Sure I'm sure, silly. I know where everypony lives. It's part of my special talent." The loud, overt voice of Pinkie Pie sounds, making your ears ring from the sudden volume after the first speaker's quiet tone.
"Shh! Pinkie! You're gonna blow our cover," the now apparent voice of Rainbow Dash hisses!
"Oops, sorry," Pinkie Pie answers, whispering again.
A blue hoof pushes the door open slowly, revealing a room that looks significantly larger than the broom closet it first seemed to be. There is some kind of movement in the darkness further back in the gloomy chamber. The camera totters gently as it draws closer to the scene.
Out on the stage, Twilight is grinning triumphantly as she watches the secret footage. "Now you two will get humiliated for all of those times you made a joke out of us."
On the screen, the camera draws up to a good watching position next to a shelf of random items, focusing on the blanket that's squirming on the floor. Suddenly Twilight emerges, her face flushed red from some very physical activity. The blanket moves again, and Applejack's hooves come out from under it, dragging her back in with a yelp.
The camera visibly shakes as Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie start whispering to each other. "Pinkie, we need to get out of here!"
"No can do. Twilight said to stay here and record everything that happens, no matter what. I made a Pinkie Promise to do just that."
"Augh! Pinkie, I don't think Twilight would want us recording this!"
The blanket jerks more ferociously, and Rainbow Dash's head pops out. The second Dash is clearly laying on her back, her tongue lolling out of her smiling mouth.
The real Rainbow Dash's head bursts out in front of the camera, her face reddening in embarrassment. "Okay, show's over Pinkie!"
The camera jukes, trying to get around RD's body and spy in on the still thrashing blanket on the floor. The blue pegasus is in turn clearly fighting back, trying to stop her from watching the extremely suggestive scene. Suddenly the camera slips, the lens spiderwebbing as it cracks against the floor.
"Oops," Pinkie says.
"Keekeekeekeekee!" The cheerful laughter of changelings bursts out from somewhere in the dark room.
"Ooh! You two! Why I oughtta-" Rainbow's voice drops to a growl.
The camera jerks, then attempts to focus in as Pinkie's head comes into view. She looks squarely at the lens, then off to one side as a loud crash sounds.
"Kee! Runnaway!"
"Get back here, you!"
"Keeheehee! Miss me, pegasus thing!"
"You're gonna pay for tha- ouch!"
Pinkie looks back into the camera again. "Sorry about this, everypony."
The screen goes fuzzy, until nothing is visible. Twilight stares, mouth agape at the shocking tape, then she looks back out at you, her face going red.
"I'm terribly sorry everypony. I had no idea that something so vulgar was recor-" She cuts off in mid-sentence at the appearance of Applejack and Rarity, apparently sitting in the front row. The orange earth pony is leaning over, licking the creamy white horn atop her companion's head. The two ponies fix Twilight with seductive glances, then return to their foreplay.
Twilight's mouth drops open, then twists into a furious scowl. "Alright you two! That's enough! Out!"
She summons up a burst of powerful magic, blasting it into the audience, squarely at her friends! The two misbehaving ponies return to their changeling forms as they escape their seats. They barely make it, narrowly avoiding the blast that not only breaks the chairs free, but plows straight up a row of audience members, hurling them through the air, then back down upon others who are sitting up in the balconies.
Twilight hastily looks back and forth at you all, realizing her error in judgement. Cries of pain and distress mingle with Bluenose and Yellowbelly's raucous laughter at the theatre is once again thrown into disorder. Ponies and bronies dart everywhere in a random panic, off in the seats along the left wall, a fire starts randomly, and the whole room plunges into chaos.
"Oh the horror!"
"My leg!"
"I'm Batman."
"What's going on? I can't see! I'm blind!"
"Everypony, make your way to the exit doors! Please line up in an orderly fashion!"
"Shut up, I do what I want!"
"It hurts!"
"There's a chair on top of me! I don't think it's supposed to work this way!"
"This… Is… SPARTA!"
"Yaaaaaagh!"
"Where are they all coming from!?"
"Fire, fire!"
"What's going on!? I don't even understand anymore!"
You finally make your escape into the foyer, where the crowd finally begins to settle down for the second time today. Many of them decide to take this chance to buy some more treats, or visit Flim and Flam's deodorant booth. Deciding you've had enough chaos for one day, you join the throng in buying up treats and perhaps your favorite scent of pony.
Afterwards, you are pushed along towards the ballot booth, where the documents for voting sit in colorful boxes. Over the top of it, the sign reads as follows:
Rules:
Only one vote per pony or brony.
Submit the filled out form with your vote by copying and pasting the form, then submitting it via private message.
Insert it into the ballot box for validation.
Votes will be counted until August 31st. The Winner will be announced on the following Pony Variety Show!
Below that are the forms:
Name (Username):
Candidate Voted For:
The candidates are:
Princesses Celestia and Cadence
Princess Luna and Discord
Queen Chrysalis and Pinkie Pie
Flim and Flam
The Great and Powerful Trixie (and Darkened Flame)
Iron Will and Bon Bon
Captain Literal
Once done there, you see the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who eagerly await your opinions for next time's show, fanmail, and opinions about today's performance. After making any remarks or comments, you step out of the theatre.
"Y'all come back soon, ya hear!?" Apple Bloom calls after you.
The sunshine and warmth of the day greet you as you finally get away from the clustered crowds, and head off into the normal world, or whatever passes for it, once again.
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Captain Literal is a candidate?
Being serious, I'm not surprised I didn't place in the singoff.
Good to know my personal favourite act won though! 
Oh man River was jumping high! I thought she would get stuck in the ceiling!
River "Dad~"
I'm just messing around dear! But man almighty, was she happy to get second!
What place did I come in?
The wheelchair rolls forward, as its occupant, Captain Literal, some how uses his wings to move around in the the contraption. He lets out a triumphant noise as he reaches the booth. However, he misjudged the distance, so instead of stopping in front of the booth, he crashes into it. The table is forced backwards making the operators of the booth fall backwards onto the ground, with a surprised yelp.
He grins apologetically, and begins, not losing one bit of his heroic nature despite being in an almost full body cast.
-
Sorry my good ponies! I guess I forgot to stop! Now that that's over, we can begin! First I would like to say that it has been an pleasure to perform in your singoff!! I knew I couldn't lose! Cause even when I lose, I win! I would like to see first place be mentioned honorably like me! Also I see many voters actually did not believe I was a candidate until now! I will still win, despite the head start my opponents have on me! For you cannot stop a hero!
Now it is for the moment you have been waiting for........
CAPTAIN LITERAL'S SUGGESTION TIME!!!!!
1.How to train your dragon, brought to you by spike and fluttershy!
2.The dragonborn visits!
3.A visit by Jack, the pumpkin king!
4.epic airsoft war!! and I don't mean a fake one! I mean everyone in the building participates in an all-out airsofting battle! It could be either paintball, or airsofting, both work
5.vinyl scratch demonstrates her bass, dubstep, powered items! Like the wub powered vehicle! or the bass jetpack! Even the legendary BASS CANNON!
6.how it should have ended (his he) mlp! (You have seen that series right? if not, look it up on youtube, it is hilarious!)
7.Lyra goes crazy or some reason having to do with so many humans in one place
8.penguins!!!!
9.Pandas!!!
10. NINJAS!!!!
11.EXPLOSION!! (Okay this last one isn't really a suggestion.)
That's all for now folks!! Tune in next time for...
CAPTAIN LITERAL'S SUGGESTION TIME!!
Ough....i never expecting to be launch in the air by Twilight.*crack*
My suggestions for show? Hm... send this two changelings on the moon... or to Celestia bedroom to spy on her.
And you need to hire Lotus and Aloe to take care of less hurt bronies or ponies. Good massage can do wonders.
"I'm Batman."
Well, I know who the next guest should be... Bob Barker! Wait... that can't be right...
I WON!
scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2499-coolyes_animated_by_miketheuser-d4ix32f.gif
Though it may be because i voted for myself...meh
scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2483_small.jpg
Anyway, changelings are a surprisingly dirty race.
Same here, what place was I in?
ah well I didn't win oh well! at least I participated
This was fucking hilarious. MOAR.
1067226
Twilight: "He sure is!"
1067257
Rainbow Dash: "I know, I win all the time! Thanks for stopping by!"
1067335
Twilight: "Your participation is very appreciated, and we're glad you enjoyed the competition!"
Bluenose: "Keekeekee! We checked scores for Yoshi thing, an' ya got four place!"
1067371
Rarity: "You did quite well, darling. We're all happy for you!"
1067380
Twilight: "According to the official polls, you placed sixth, just after Captain Literal. Thank you very much for your participation!"
1067492
Twilight: "Be careful, Captain! Our insurance premiums are high as it is!"
Fluttershy: "Thank you for all of the suggestions, Mr. Captain Literal. We appreciate it."
1068708 Pfff! Worry not!!! Today is my last day, I can feel my strength returning already!! Also I got this awesome, new rocket booster or my wheelchair!! I will be home and safe in no time!! Is it supposed to be smok- *BOOM!!* IIIIIII'MMMMM OOOOOKKKAAAYYYYY!!!!
Zombies AIEE
1067518
Twilight: "Sorry! I really didn't mean to! It was an accident!"
Pinkie: "Thanks for the suggestions! We'll see if we can't get them in here for massage emergencies."
1067726
Twilight: "Well... actually you won by nearly double the next contestant's score. I don't think it would have mattered."
1067774
Pinkie: "I'm sorry... You only got one vote. You're still a winner in my book though." Hugs!
1067886
Rarity: "We were most happy to have you. Thank you for coming by and participating."
1067910
Pinkie Pie: "Heeheehee! Glad you liked it!"
1068122
Twilight: "Thank you for your vote! We're glad you came by, and contributed to the electoral process."
1068360
Rainbow Dash: "We'll be back soon enough! Thanks for watching me be awesome!"
1068786
Pinkie Pie: "Yep! Zombies! We had lots of fun with the zombies!"
1068538 Wait, what?
...I suddenly feel good now! Thanks! 
1068519 I thought it was Captain Liberal, not Literal.
1069154
Twilight: "You did really well, and yes, it is Captain Literal. He always take things too seriously."
1068812
*Accepts Hug* So that one guy I saw vote for me was the only one...Oh well... At least I did better than Trixie's campaign for Ruler of Everything.
Also, did you, the rest of the Mane 6, or Ardan look at the links I gave him about Touhou?
1067492
I think the How to Train your Dragon bit should be Spike and...Rarity.... ;x
I want to see Derpy in a Muffin eating contest and Gilda do some "woodshop" working with her claws.
Zombies? Really? Well, it was destined to happen... Now to play Dungeons & Dragons.
1069184
Writer: "I've taken a look and will see what I can do. It's gonna be a while before I can though, since RL is gonna keep me away from the computer next week."
1069947
Derpy: "I wanna be in a muffin eating contest! I should go set that up right now!"
1070661
Pinkie Pie: "Of course there were zombies! What else would there be?"
1070738
That's fine. I can wait.
Although Princess Cadance has my heart
, it is my sworn duty bestowed upon me by myself to help Princess Luna whatever the cost.
VOTE FOR LUNA, FOR NOPONY CAN RESIST THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE! And Discord, 'cause I guess he's cool too.
Mare vs. Wild is still on the suggestion table. Maybe with some rainbow lollipop trees and chocolate milk rivers. Because they're just scrumdiddlyumptious.
1071498
Twilight: "Don't worry, we haven't forgotten. It's just taking a while to get through all of these ideas."
1068540 I'll send my affections in the form of Brownies and my mothers Peanut Butter Cookies!
Name (Username): insightguy
Candidate Voted For: Princesses Celestia and Cadence
mortal combat on pony variety show!
ib from internet game
with white portal
"so ib say to the ponys"
"hi"
elenor from bioshock 2
"hi there ib and white"
1072126
Pinkie Pie: "Thank you! We're so super happy that you liked the show! I'll take this letter and put it right into the fanmail!"
1072526
Rarity: "Thank you, darling! I'm sure we'd love-"
Pinkie Pie and Derpy come shoving past Rarity.
Pinkie Pie: "Ooh, cookies and brownies!? Sounds scrummy!"
Derpy: "Muffins? Will there be muffins!?"
1073142 Yes Miss Whooves, Your Favoirte Rasberry/Blueberry Muffins.
1072683
Twilight: "Thanks for your vote! Mortal combat, huh. That sounds kinda dangerous."
Princess Luna: "Mortal Kombat? I love that game! WE SHALL PARTICIPATE!"
1072805
Twilight: "That's quite a guest list. We'll add your names to the list as possible guests. Also, I don't seem to have White Portal's bio on file. Could you please fill one out for us so that we can properly have them on the show?"
Name: (Full name here)
Gender: (Self-explanatory)
Breed: (Earth pony, Unicorn, or Pegasus for ponies only! Non-ponies must be reasonable for the series. Aka. Dragons, Buffalo, Donkeys, Griffons, etc... acceptable, Draconequus not so much.)
Age: (Foal, Filly/Colt, Mare/Stallion, Older)
Mane: (Style and Color. No crazy ones please!)
Tail: (Style and Color. Again with the crazy.)
Eyes: (Color)
Coat: (Color. No more than three colors unless I find it reasonable.)
Cutie Mark: (Describe mark. Nothing too crazy or inappropriate. Aka. one to three different items in the mark, none of which may refer to anything that would fall under the derogatory or sexual descriptors.)
Personality: (At least three descriptive words about the character. Personality clones are not acceptable. Aka. She's just like Rainbow Dash, only 20% cooler.)
1073152
Derpy: "Yay, muffins!" Gives you a big, happy hug!
1073177 Hey now! Dont too clingy from what I hear your already married to the Doctor and I dont want a Time Lord on my hooves haha.