Luke finds Rainbow Dash in a forest in northern Minnesota. She doesn't remember how she got here, but one thing is for sure; Luke has to keep her out of the governments' hands. Can they escape the law long enough to figure out a way for Rainbow to get home?
Edited by the awesomely kick-flank IceOfWaterflock
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Seems good so far, but your dialogue is somewhat grammatically incorrect. Being the Nazi I am, it reads to me like the characters never stop talking. Ever.
Throwing this a track to see where it goes.
thanks for the input. i was thinking the same thing when i was writing. i definitely need to not have as much dialogue :3
Looks good, i'll keep my eye on this
830743 No, your dialogue is pretty good. For example:
“Luke! Luke!!” his father called from inside the house, “it’s time for dinner!” “Kay dad!” he replied as he got out of the lawn chair in his yard.
Would translate to:
"Luke! Luke!" his father called from inside the house, "It's time for dinner!"
"'Kay, dad!" he replied as he got out of the lawn chair in his yard.
Particularly annoying to me was this:
As he neared the door he heard a crack and, turning around, saw a flash of light off in the distance. “What the heck-“he started saying as a massive shockwave sent him sprawling on the ground. He slowly got up as his parents came outside. “I need to check this out” he said to them as he started towards his car. “Wait a second Luke!” his mother exclaimed. “You can’t go alone! You don’t know what that could have been! For all we know that could have been some sort of nuclear test!”. “Really, mom? A nuclear test?” Luke forgot how thick his mom could be sometimes as he stepped into his car.
Which would be changed to:
As Luke neared the door, he heard a crack. Turning around, he was a flash of light off in the distance.
"What the heck," he started saying as a massive shockwave sent him flying towards the ground (this is an interesting one - either go with sent him flying or left him sprawling, in my opinion).
His parents were coming outside as he picked himself up.
"I need to check this out," he said to them, starting towards his car.
"Wait a second, Luke!" his mother exclaimed, "You can't go alone! You don't know what that could've been! For all we know, that could've been some sort of nuclear test!"
"Really, mom? A nuclear test?" Luke had forgotten how thick his mother could be.
Ducking into his car, the engine roared to life as he turned the key.
Or rather, that's how I'd put it. You are the writer, after all, so if I made any descriptive or conversational choices that you dislike, don't quote me on them.
hey i can use all the advice i can get! i was really nervous putting this up and im happy for positive feedback. constructive criticism is always appreciated and if it makes the story flow better then im going to use it
830768
Making me look bad here. You didn't even change the word starts to stars at the beginning.
FUUUUUU-
THIS IS CAPTAIN CAPS LOCK AND I WOULD LIKE TO SEE MORE OF THIS STORY.
831204 YES SIR CAPTAIN SIR
I like it so far! Keep it up, I really can't wait to read more. :) I'd gladly help you somehow, but I'm no experienced writer, so I have nothing to offer. At least, I can tell you I didn't notice anything wrong or weird neither with the story nor the way you write.
831512 if you would be another proof reader/editor/whatever/inspiration person that would be great!! i would need to add u on skype tho because that is where i talk to the people who help out :3 just send me a message with ur skype name in it and ill add u. if u want to
831542
Then we could start a group chat on skype and discuss about the latest chapter you write.
I think that would be very beneficial ^^
832308 Your cover pic is too good looking. Change it to something crappy
Nice, but are you planning a romance between them?
833199 no romance. i wouldnt even know where to start :3. But i like this picture!!!
keep going. yur doin great
833563 thanks infinite
no prob,
i always enjoy something good 
the force is strong with this one...
"Keep her out of the government's hands."? Ahem:
"Have you ever seen the alternate ending," he asked, "where E.T.'s alien buddies come back to pick him up, find out we've slaughtered him like an animal, and nuke our population centers in retaliation?"
"Um..." I scratched the back of my neck. "Was that before or after they replaced the guns with walkie-talkies?"
"Neither," he said, furrowing his brow. "It was never a part of the movie. And do you know why?"
"Because..." I hesitated. "Because it would have destroyed the film thematically?"
"Because we don't go around cutting aliens open without a damn good reason! Our policy toward extraterrestrial intelligences is and always has been to show them the same deference we would show any other official guest of the United States. That includes respecting their funerary customs, so even if one came to our world already dead, we wouldn't do an autopsy until we could confirm that their family or other basic social unit was okay with it." He leaned back in his chair. "But I'm getting off topic. You're here to discuss your experiences with Twilight Sparkle."
Quoted from another fanfic. Common sense dictates that you simply do not dissect sentient aliens. Think about it. Do you really want the people with the super weapons to think that you're a race of murderers?
The writing is semi-decent, but the story for most of these types of fanfics makes no freaking sense.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBgQezOF8kY&feature=fvwrel Just Because Title
843200 XD thats pretty good
A bit short, and it suffers from a weak cliffhanger.
If you're gonna leave us hanging, at least tell us what we've got to worry about. "Rainbow Dash in pain" is not as worrisome as "Rainbow Dash with profusely bleeding head wound".
First chapter seemed promising.
Second chapter turned it in to a full-on Spaghetti Fest.
The sheer amount of autism in this is overwhelming.
before I read anything else, HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?!?!
and; what? I have NO idear what is going on here.
(Editor replying)
990929
I believe the idea is that you don't know what's wrong.
991056
That's kind of offensive, please keep nonconstructive comments to yourself.
994809
You might want to reread now.
(New editor replies to comments formerly responded to)
830725
Grammar Nazi on the job.
830751
Thank you :3
830962
Fixed and worth a reread!
831204
WELL OKAY THEN
831512
Ta-da~
833199
833646
Thanks!
833702
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png
838815
Your headcanon, our headcanon. Agree to disagree? (Also, worth a reread)
843200
Cool dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cloudchaser_dealwithit.png
That storm came out of nowhere.
It just seems to be there for drama's sake; if there were a storm 15 minutes away, I'm sure Luke wouldn't have gone out.
*Boop!*