Episode 7
The Pony Variety Show!
The theatre is bustling once again, but something seems different about it today. As you pass into the foyer you see the gleam of new panelling, smooth, dull silver, like the entire theatre has had a makeover. Gone are the old fashioned wooden moldings, replaced by sleek, futuristic metals, while soft, cream colored carpets now cover the floor where ratty old red ones used to be.
Pinkie Pie and Applejack sit at the concession stand, eagerly grinning at the sight of all of you, immediately springing into action as hungry ponies and bronies rush up to place orders.
"Two chimicherrychangas please!"
"I want an apple pie!"
"Ooh, can I have a Lyracicle!?"
"Give me one of everything!"
"Now hold yer horses, y'all!" Applejack hollers, trying to get the mob under control. "We'll fill yer orders, quick as we can. Jus' get lined up proper, an' we'll get to ya as quick as a whip!"
"Who had the two chimmycherrychangas!?" Pinkie yells, immediately sending the crowd plunging back up to the stand, all fighting to be the first to get one of the delicious treats.
You finally make your way out of the busy foyer, and into the main theatre. Much like the front room, the main hall has been entirely redone. The walls are now freshly coated in burgundies. New, bigger seats replace the old, padded bucket chairs, and the carpeting is more like the new flooring you've already seen. What is most impressive, however, is the stage.
Gone are the cheap wood and floor lights, replaced with fine hardwood planks and smooth, metallic light frames. The ragged, battered old curtains have been removed as well, swapped with new, elegant ones that catch the light of the spotlights clearly and cleanly. There is some kind of new framework over the edges of the stage, which seem to be glittering with the flow of an electric blue light.
You get yourself situated, along with the whispering crowds, who's eyes are glancing about eagerly at all of the new scenery. The faint whispering going on all about you sends chills of excitement down your back as the spots come up, focusing upon the stage.
Spike emerges from behind the curtains, no longer holding a mic, but wearing some kind of funny looking earpiece that doesn't quite fit onto his scales. He tweaks at the device irritably, then turns his attention back to all of you.
"Fillies and gentlecolts, bronies of all ages! It's great to be back, and we're glad to have you all back too!" Spike gestures around the stage at all of the new renovations. "As you can see, we here at the Pony Variety Show! have been hard at work bringing up the standards for both the theatre, and the quality of production! It's been a long process, especially getting the new holoprojectors installed, but we did it, and all for you, our audience."
"And now, without further ado, I give you the best in the biz, the girls with the hooves, it's your little ponies in the Pony Variety Show!'" Spike steps aside, holding out his claw to present the singers as the curtain sweeps back, revealing an empty starscape beyond. A brilliant flash suddenly fills the stage, and the words 'My Little Pony, The Pony Variety Show!' are suddenly hanging in the air amidst the shimmering points of light. Dozens of ponies are hanging off of the letters, singing with big smiles on their faces.
"It's time for the show-show-show!
Let's get up and go-go-go!
You bronies prepare-pare-pare,
It's our time to share-share-share!
Is there a show like this anywhere?"
"Nope." Mr. Waddle answers as if on cue. "If there were another show like this, we'd be out of a job."
"Dohohohohoho!" The two old ponies laugh.
"There's no show like this anywhere-where where!
It's our time to share-share-share!
In the sky so bright, singing to the earth below,
It's the Pooonyyy Variiietyyy Shooooow!"
The applause is suddenly cut off as a loud grinding sound, followed by a resounding stellar echo fills the theatre, and the Tardis appears between the audience. Dr. Whooves jumps out of the craft, waving his forehooves frantically. "No, you must stop the show quickly! If you don't, the consequences could be disastrous! You must hurry!"
The sound begins again, and a second Tardis emerges. This time, both Dr. Whooves and Derpy emerge, both of them jumping atop the first Whooves. "What do you think you are doing!?" The second Doctor demands, pressing the first one's face to the ground.
"You don't understand… wait, you're me! Oh this is quite interesting. Why am I trying to stop myself from stopping the episode?"
"Because stopping it will only make things worse. You mustn't tamper with today's episode, or the consequences could be even more disastrous." The second Doctor explains.
"Yay, doggy pile!" Derpy cries gleefully, then jumps atop the other two.
"Oof!"
"Ouch."
"Derpy dear, could you kindly remove yourself from our collective backs before you break them?" The second Doctor asks.
"Oh, okay." She hops off, grinning.
"That's better, now I'll explain where all of these homo sapiens can't hear. Please come with me." With that' the two Doctors depart, taking their Tardis' with them.
"Are the supposed to interfere with themselves?" Spike asks, scratching his head, then he returns his attention to you. "Anyway, we've got a great show for you today, along with some fun announcements of upcoming events."
"First, the cast and crew of the Pony Variety Show! is proud to announce the first ever PVS! Singoff competition! Starting today, we'll be accepting your submissions at http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/47169 for entry into this singing of the OCs, which will run until July 18, 2012. One week after that, the episode will air for everypony to vote on their favorite OC, favorite song performed, and winner of the competition, chosen by you, the fans!"
"Second, we're about to enter open election season, with the last candidate's entry coming in on today's episode. We need you to ask the questions that will be submitted to the candidates when they discuss the issues that matter to you, our viewers! Next week's PVS! will have the official political debate amongst the runners, and we want to have a lot to ask them!"
Spike holds his arm out to the curtain as a newcomer emerges onto the stage. "Third, we would like to introduce our special guest, Donkey from Shrek!"
"Hey y'all! How's everybody doin' out there!?" The garrulous Donkey asks, showing his big, pearly white teeth. Eyeing all of the mares in the audience, his grin widens. "Now that's what I call a target rich environment, if ya get my drift! Anyway, I'll be hangin' around up in the VIP box with those crazy old guys, just in case some of you fillies wanna' come meet a real movie star." He raises his eyebrows suggestively, only to yelp in surprise as he is surrounded by a magic glow which drags him off the stage.
"Hey wait! I haven't even gotten any numbers yet!" Donkey objects from behind the curtains.
"Of course, no show is complete without us letting you know what's coming up today, so here it goes! We've got a long requested Star Trek parody coming up for act one, followed by a Lord of the Rings parody in act two, and a Terminator parody for act three! Behind the scenes today, we'll get a look into the private lives of the princesses and other ancient creatures from our world. Of course, knowing Bluenose and Yellowbelly, something embarrassing will come out of the woodwork, if you know what I mean." Spike fakes an elbow at you with a smirk.
"Well, that's it for announcements, so let's get the show started!" As the little dragon departs from the stage.
* * *
The curtains slide back as the holoprojectors hum to life, creating the elegant curves of a Galaxy-class starship's bridge upon the stage, overlaying otherwise ordinary looking props with the illusion of sophisticated technology. Sitting all about the scene are Twilight, Spike (who somehow managed to don a costume and get onto the set in the time the curtains were moving), Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie.
Twilight is clearly in command, wearing a red uniform and sitting in the captain's chair. Next to her in the first officer's seat, Spike is wearing a similarly colored outfit, doing his best to look focused. Rarity sits on Twilight's left, her uniform a deep blue. She smiles confidently, waiting for the beginning of the scene.
Rainbow Dash is standing behind the tactical console, wearing a yellow-tan uniform, has her hair tied back in a ponytail, and is wearing a silver bandolier across her body. She seems to be irritated, as she grits her teeth together impatiently. Sitting on the far side of the room, Applejack is wearing a similar uniform to Rainbow Dash, her own face adorned with some kind of freaky looking glasses.
Sitting at the helm, Pinkie Pie's outfit matches Rainbow Dash and Applejack's, but she seems to be covered in flour, and is doing her best not to smile, which is giving her eye a nervous tick. She looks like she's going to start laughing hysterically, right before she sneezes, sending white powder flying into your faces!
Twilight glances in her direction, shakes her head slightly, then begins reciting the opening lines. "Captain's log: Stardate 44535.4, the Canterprise has entered the Carebeari system on a mission of peace and friendship. Recently the Care Bears have requested our assistance in dealing with some kind of strange phenomenon that has stricken their world. It is my hope that we can end this threat quickly, but until we arrive, we won't know what we're dealing with."
"Captain, we are arriving at the Carebeari system." Pinkie announces, still trying to keep from sneezing.
"Very well, Mr. Datapie, bring us out of warp." Twilight responds. "Mr. Rorf, begin scanning the system for any signs of trouble."
"Aye, sir." Rainbow Dash answers, looking over her instruments intently.
Spike leans over to Twilight, retaining the stern look on his face. "I don't like it, Captain. Something seems very off here."
"I agree, Mr. Spiker, but we don't have anything to go on yet, so let's just wait and see what happens." Twilight responds, still staring out at all of you intently.
"We're not picking up anything, sir." Rainbow Dash announces, looking quite surprised.
"Well that's good, maybe there's nothing wrong after all." Twilight seems to relax a bit, only to tense up at Rainbow's next statement.
"No, that's not what I mean. There's nothing. The Carebeari system is completely empty. There isn't even a star." Rainbow explains, meeting the rest of the crew's surprised stares.
"That ain't possible," Applejack interjects. "There's gotta be somethin' out there."
"Our position is confirmed, Captain. We are exactly where we are supposed to be." Pinkie announces, struggling to keep from contracting her words as she delivers the lines. Her eye begins twitching even more violently.
"Impossible or not, Mr. LaJack, we don't have an explanation as to what is really going on here." Twilight breathes a heavy sigh, looking back at the flustered engineer pony.
"Wait, I sense something." Rarity speaks up, her horn glowing. "Some kind of presence, probing us. It is… laughing, capricious, but very different. It doesn't think like us, a creature with far more power than we understand."
"Muahahahahaha." An eerie laugh resounds around the crew of the Canterprise as a flash of blinding light appears off past Rarity's chair.
Twilight stands dramatically, her eyes fixing on Discord as he forms. "Q! I should have known your meddling when I seen it."
"Twi Light Sparkard, how wonderful to see you again. I believe our last encounter was when I played Qpid! That visit to Sherwood forest was quite a laugh, wasn't it! Hehehehe."
"What have you done with the Carebeari system!?" Twilight demands, glaring at the jokester.
"Oh nothing, save for condensing it into this marble." Discord answers, producing a tiny glass ball containing a fully functioning system within it.
"Put it back, Q!" Twilight demands.
"Ah ah ah! Didn't your mother ever teach you to ask nicely?" Discord teases, wagging a finger at the demanding unicorn. "Besides, what fun would it be if I just fixed it for you? If you really want the system back, you're going to have to play my game."
"We don't have time for your games, Q! Put the system back, right now!" Rainbow Dash yells, looking ready to leap over at the draconequus.
"You better make time, then. If this marble breaks, the entire system will be destroyed, along with everyone in it." Discord replies irritably as he holds up the marble. Suddenly it slips, only for him to catch it again. "Oops, I nearly dropped it."
Twilight almost jumps out to catch the precious marble, only stopping when she sees that he hasn't let it go yet. "Q please, don't hurt them. We'll make time, we'll play your game. Just don't do that."
"Mahahahaha! Morality, I love it!" Discord laughs, resting a clawed hand on his head. "Alright, I tell you what. Let's get the ball rolling. The rules of the game are simple, you just give up one of your crew to be put in the marble, and I'll set the Carebeari system free. Otherwise, I guess I'll just keep it on my mantle. I don't even know why you'd want to rescue them though. After all, they're even more annoyingly friendly than you are."
Twilight chokes up at the condition, looking about at her friends. She is about to speak when Spike voices his opinion. "I'll go."
"Mr. Spiker, I can't let you. It would be irresponsible of me to-" Twilight is cut off by Spike, who speaks up over her.
"Captain, I need to go. It would be more irresponsible to let that entire system suffer just for one individual. I know the consequences, and am willing to accept them." He looks at Discord. "Take me."
"No, it should be me." Rainbow Dash exclaims, stepping up. "Spiker's right, but not about who. Starfleet needs him, the Canterprise needs him, but it doesn't need me. It is the honorable thing to do, so I should go."
"Actually, if we are talking about giving a life, it should be mine." Pinkie stands up, still twitching nervously. "After all, you all are organic beings with a limited time of existence, while I am merely a construct designed to mimic pony behavior. If I go, it will mean nothing, a mere creation of ponies. You all have a life to live, I am not truly alive."
"Cap'n Sparkard, ah think ah speak fer every one of us when ah say we'd all rather be the one ta go in exchange fer an entire civilization. We can't leave 'em ta that fate, even if'n we wanted to. Let us do the right thing."
"Thank you, all of you, but I can't. I am not going to give any of you to this monster. Even if it means that I have to give myself up in exchange. Q, you have your answer, take me instead." Twilight stares up at the draconequus, glaring up at his frowning expression.
"Ugh, I think I've changed my mind." Discord groans. "All of this sweetness is giving me a cavity. Here, you can have your system back. I don't want it anymore."
Discord snaps, sending the marble back into space, where it apparently reforms into the Carebeari system once again. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a visit to pay on planet Vulcan. I really want to see if I can get a laugh out of those tightwads!"
With a flash, he disappears, leaving the crew of the USS Canterprise behind. The ponies all turn and bow as the curtain sweeps shut.
* * *
"Well, that story had a great moral." Geri Fore says with a grin.
"Oh, and what was that?" Donkey asks, looking over at the oldsters.
The two ponies look at each other for a moment, then face him again. This time Mr. Waddle speaks up. "We don't know, we're just sure it was pretty great!"
"Dohohohoho!"
"Man, you guys are weird." Donkey makes a face at them.
Down on the stage, Spike steps out from the right side curtain, still wearing his starfleet uniform. "Well, that one was a real thinker. Waddaya say folks, should we be doing more serious parodies, or should we stick to the comedy?" He holds out a mic, drawing several shouts from the crowd.
Looking down at the microphone, he stops. "Uh, maybe you should just leave your answer down in the comments box. We'll have to figure that one out later. For now, our first commercial is coming up!"
Spike quickly retreats from the stage again as the curtains rise.
* * *
You are greeted by a series of blinding lights and gouts of fire from flamethrowers set up on the stage as a huge metal sign with 'Iron Will 2012' riveted onto it folds down from the ceiling. A thrumming beat starts playing in the background as fog boils over the stage, through which the burly minotaur emerges, doing a series of his signature moves as he comes.
"Hello everypony, are you ready for the first, and only real candidate to set hoof on this stage!? Are you tired of pathetic runners making their promises about what they're gonna do for you!? Are you ready to take life by the horns, and hammer toss it into submission!? Then Iron Will is the candidate for you!"
He leaps down from the stage, striding right up to the seats, and grabs some hapless pony from the audience. "Iron Will is so confident that he will win this election, he will win it with the assistance of this wimpy little pony!" He holds the startled looking Bon Bon over his head as she frantically kicks, trying to release herself from his grip.
"Somepony, help!" Bon Bon stammers.
"Just look at this little pony! She's so under-confident in her abilities, she's already practically given up the race!" Iron Will yells into his mic as he strides circles around the quivering Bon Bon, who is shaking so hard that her knees are knocking together. "But Iron Will is so confident that he can transform her, he'll make her into a lean, mean, election race winning machine!"
"Uhh… Lyra… please!" Bon Bon is starting to tear up.
Iron Will grabs hold of the pony, hefting her up under his left arm as he extends his right arm dramatically towards the spotlights. "With my running companion… uh… what's your name again?" Iron Will asks the trembling pony.
"Bo-Bon Bon." She replies.
"With my running companion Bon Bon, we shall be an unstoppable team! Look out, Ponyville! Iron Will and Bon Bon are coming to town!" With that, the boastful minotaur disappears behind the curtains, still carrying the crying Bon Bon under his arm.
Lyra springs from her seat, snorting as she chases the kidnapper! "Get back here, ya big bull, er bully! Gimmie back my best friend!" She darts behind the stage, disappearing after the retreating candidate.
* * *
The curtains raise again, this time to a very different scene. A large, round bowl shaped room sits roofless before you, the leafy boughs of trees hanging overhead as sunlight fills the little area. In the very center, there sits a stone pedestal, surrounded by cushions.
All about sit a council, each watching each other silently. Sitting at the head of the council, Princess Celestia sits at the head of the group, resplendent in long, burgandy colored robes and a golden circlet.
To her left sits, Apple Bloom, who is unadorned. After her is Twilight, fully dressed in her Starswirl the Bearded costume, and leaning on a gnarled staff. Rainbow Dash is next, a gray garment clothing her. Pinkie Pie sits another seat over, unadorned save for a thick, fluffy brown beard, her body now twitching uncontrollably in her seat. Applejack is next, her own black vest adorned with silver studs. Shining Armor is to her left, and on the right of Celestia, doing his best to look downcast. Overhead, an orchestral music starts playing a low, almost mournful tune.
As the scene begins, Celestia begins intoning her lines solemnly. "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of the Dragon Mountains. Equestria stands upon the brink of destruction, none can escape it. You will be friends, or you will fall. Each friend is bound to this fate, this one doom."
"Bring forth the muffin, Frodobloom." Celestia stands slowly, gesturing to the podium with one regal hoof.
At Celestia's beckon, Apple Bloom rises from her seat, walking slowly over to the podium. She sets down a golden muffin, the sight of which makes Pinkie Pie start squirming furiously in her seat. As Apple Bloom lets it rest, there is a very audible thump, like the muffin weighs a great deal.
"So it's true." Applejack whispers, covering her mouth with one hoof.
Apple Bloom returns to her seat with a sigh, staring at the floor. She doesn't see everypony eyeing the muffin intently. Pinkie Pie is barely containing herself, while Applejack starts rising slowly from her seat. An eerie whisper seems to be echoing in your ear as if the muffin is calling out to you too.
"In a dream, ah saw that eastern sky get dark." Applejack says, walking closer to the muffin. "But in the west a li'l light was shinin'. There was voices cryin' 'bout doom bein' near. Prancildur's Bane had been found. Prancildur's Bane…"
She is about to touch the muffin when Celestia roses from her seat, calling out. "Applemir-"
Celestia too is cut off by an even louder voice, booming and resounding as Twilight stands up, the whole stage dropping into a strange, unearthly darkness. "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul. Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."
Applejack retreats back to her seat, unable to face the sound. Pinkie Pie almost goes wild. Only by clutching her cushion under her is she able to keep from bounding away from where she squirms.
"Never before has anyone uttered that tongue here, in Imladris." Celestia says, staring over at Twilight.
"I do not ask your pardon, Princess Elrondia, for the black speech of the Dragon Mountains may yet be heard in every corner of the west." Twilight replies as she paces about, fixing her eyes on each pony. "The rin-muffin is altogether evil." Twilight turns to resume her seat, choking a bit on the gritty voice she had been imitating.
"It's a gift…" Applejack whispers but is surprised when Pinkie Pie pipes up.
"A gift, but it's not even wrapped!" The pink pony objects, still twitching maniacally.
Applejack glares over at Pinkie. "Do ya mind? Ah'm tryin' ta deliver a line."
"But I'm so hungry, and I think whatever that stuff I drank was is making me bouncy…" Pinkie gasps, her energetic thrashing nearly toppling her over.
"As ah was sayin'…" Applejack clears her throat again, then begins to speak. "Long has mah brother, Big Macintosh, kept th' dragons at bay, by the sweat of our brows are your stomaches filled! Give Sweet Apple Acres the muffin of the enemy, let us eat it afore him!"
"You cannot eat it. None of us can." Shining Armor replies, looking over at Applejack. "The One Muffin is edible by the dragons alone. It has no other consumer."
"An' what woulda fighter know of this here matter?" Applejack counters.
"This is no mere fighter!" Rainbow Dash jumps from her seat, meeting Applejack's eyes. "He's Armorgorn, son of Armorthorn. Captain of the Royal Guard. You owe him your loyalty."
"Armorgorn…" Applejack says in surprise, looking back at him. "This is Prancildur's heir?"
"And heir to the Royal Guard!" Rainbow Dash exclaims. "I mean, do you understand!? He's the Wonderbolts' boss! You can't just-"
"Please, sit down, Rainbow Dash." Shining Armor asks of her, waving her down with one hoof.
"The muffin must be destroyed." Celestia says, trying to break up the fighting.
"Finally!" Pinkie Pie leaps at the muffin before anypony can stop her, trying to sink her teeth into the seemingly tasty morsel. Instead of being devoured, however, the pink pony's tooth chips against the muffin, throwing her back from it! For an instant, Chrysalis' eye flashes before all of you as if it were in your mind as well. Apple Bloom doubles over, gasping in surprise.
"You cannot eat it, Pinkamina Diane Pie. No oven, nor fire can bake this muffin enough for us to consume." Princess Celestia explains to the fallen earth pony. "It must be taken back to Sugarcube Corner, and baked in the fire from whence it came. One of you must do this."
"Muffin!" A wild scream comes from above as Derpy Whooves comes plunging onto the stage, trying to snatch the muffin.
"No Derpy! That's for the show!" Twilight objects, trying to keep the muffin away from the hungry pony. Pinkie Pie, excited by the sudden surprise, starts ricocheting off of everything like an out of control bullet. Ponies begin scrambling from their seats, each trying to stop the crazed ponies, not seeing Princess Celestia tiphoof over and start trying to munch on the muffin.
She is caught by surprise when Luna steps up to confront her. "THE MUFFIN IS MINE!" She demands in her loudest Royal Canterlot Voice.
Suddenly the entire theatre starts to fall into chaos as the audience rushes the stage, each trying to grab the muffin for themselves. Even you feel the compulsion, racing from your seat to grab hold of the treat for yourself.
Off to one side, Trixie grins, her horn losing it's glow. "The Want It, Need It spell. Works every time!"
"Leggo of me! I gotta get that muffin!" Donkey yells over the fray as he jumps from the box, heedless of the sudden drop below!
* * *
The chaos caused by Trixie's spell takes nearly an hour to sort out, but once the muffin is devoured despite tasting like a mouthful of rocks, you are freed from the magic influence. You find yourself in a most uncomfortable spot, namely with somepony's plot squishing your head.
Soon everypony manages to sort themselves out, returning to their seats in awkward silence as the cast and crew go about cleaning up the mess made by the random muffin attack. Just as you settle back in, still feeling a bit silly over the incident, music begins to play as the curtains slide back, revealing a bearded man who smiles at you almost as if his eyes were fixed squarely upon your face.
"Hi, Billy Mays here, back from the dead to bring you an amazing product! Ponies!" He holds up Lyra, who has a ribbon tied about her waist. She waves cheerfully down at the still traumatized Bon Bon. "Yes, that's right, ponies! They can do anything, and I mean anything!"
"Need cooking done!? Use the pony!" Billy Mays exclaims, still grinning. Lyra dashes over to the kitchen setup in the background and starts chopping up carrots.
"Need your floors cleaned!? Use the pony!" The energetic salesman continues as Lyra hurries up to a vacuum, flipping it on, and getting dragged about the room by the crazed machine.
"Wait, there's more! Order your pony right now, and I'll throw in a second pony, for free!" Billy Mays reaches behind the stage, pulling out Fluttershy, who doesn't seem as interested in being sold as he is in selling her. "That's right, buy one pony, get a second for free! Order now!" He gives you all a thumbs up as the commercial ends and the curtains fall.
* * *
The lights fade as the curtains open again, this time to a much more bizarre scene! It is clearly night, which make the muzzle flashes of Twilight Sparkle's submachine gun flash all the brighter. She is wearing a ragged, hole filled black jumpsuit, her manecut making her look like a bad 1980's action hero. There seem to be bits of her flesh missing, underneath which lies some kind of silver metal.
She is standing on the back of an old pickup, firing the weapon at a semi-truck pulling a trailer of liquid clouds. Inside said truck, Snowflake, the massively ripped white pegasus is riddled with bullet holes, leaving strange silver indentions in his skin.
In the cab of the pickup, Applejack is advising an excited looking Applebloom, who is driving the nearly out-of-control vehicle. The elder Apple looks back watching as Twilight jumps from the pickup to the front of the massive white truck.
"Ah knew we shoulda never trusted that darn newfangled technology! All it ever tries ta do is kill us!" Applejack exclaims, holding her hat down.
Behind them, Twilight shoves her forehoof into the cab, grabs hold of the wheel, and pulls hard. The truck swerves sharply, sending it skidding to a stop with a crash. The battered unicorn is thrown clear as the truck starts billowing clouds from it's now breached frame.
"YEEEEEAAAAAH!" Snowflake yells from the cab, the silvery looking wounds twisting and closing as if he were made of liquid metal.
"Uh, sis, whaddo ah do if there's a wall in front of me?" Applebloom asks as the truck speeds into a rainbow refinery.
"Say what now?" Applejack looks back just in time for the truck to crash into a wall. "Oof! Uh… oh mah, you okay Apple Bloom?
"Ah think so." Apple Bloom coughs out in reply.
Twilight pulls herself from the ground, moving to prevent the burly white pegasus from passing. He continues to advance, stepping into the steady stream of clouds, which start to sheen over his body with ice. Ignoring the cold, Slowflake treads forward as starts to slow. Suddenly, his hoof breaks clean off, making him stumble! He takes another step, but only manages to snap off his other hoof.
Striding closer, Twilight pulls a pistol out as she watches Snowflake go rigid under the effects of the liquid cloud. "Hasta la vista, baby." She says, firing a single shot.
The form of Snowflake shatters like glass under the bullet, leaving bits of frozen pony scattered across the ground. Apple Bloom makes her way slowly out of the truck, walking over towards Twilight. The unicorn is staring at a leak of liquid rainbow that is seeping down towards the crash, it's magical light causing the icy bits of pegasus to melt.
"We don't have much time." Twilight says, then turns back to Apple Bloom, escorting her back to the truck.
The tiny blobs start moving closer and closer together, drawing themselves back into a single silver puddle which begins to take pony shape once again.
Before the scene can go any further, the curtains sweep down, cutting you off from the dramatic ending.
* * *
Spike races out to mollify the audience. "Sorry about that everypony, but we're having some technical difficulties with Snowflake."
"YEEEEEAAAaaaAAAaAaaAA! BOOM!" The voice echoes out of the back, followed by an explosion. Apparently the props aren't working right.
Spike flinches, then glances back at the fresh holes ripped into the curtains. "And we just got those replaced too. Oh well." He sighs, then turns his attention back to you. "We are running a bit long today, so how about we move to our final segment, behind the scenes!"
As the crowd scoots closer, Spike leans forward, whispering into the mic as he grins. "Those two troublemaking changelings have really done it this time! With the aid of our very own Dr. Whooves, they have traveled back in time to get you some exclusive footage of the princesses, Discord, and Chrysalis when they weren't quite so… regal. You're in for a treat today, as we take a step into the past with our friends Bluenose and Yellowbelly!"
The two changelings come parading out to the fanfare, waving hooves in the air and grinning cheekily as the screen folds down behind them. The lights dim as the stage clears, the big screen humming to life.
* * *
The screen wobbles as it peers into a hallway, where two fillies walk along. In front, Luna tries to walk straight, a blindfold wrapped over her eyes. She is being nudged along by her pink haired big sister, Celestia.
"Come on, let me see, Tia! I wanna know what the surprise is!"
"Don't worry, Luna." Celestia chuckles with a cheeky grin on her face. "We're almost there."
The mirthful form of tiny Discord sits wrapped around a ceiling lamp overhead, giving a thumbs up to Celestia. She returns his gesture with a wink, then trots around to a closed doorway.
"It's right in here, Luna. Just take three steps forward, then you can take off the blindfold for your surprise!" Celestia opens the door into a dark room. The camera pans around, peeking after the girls. Luna takes an apprehensive step forward, then a second, and finally a third.
"What is i-eeeeee!" Plop! Luna suddenly drops like a rock, followed by a splat as chocolate pudding splashes out of the doorway from below.
"Heeheeheehee!"
"Bwhahahahahaha!"
The alicorn and draconequus fall rolling over laughing as Luna's pudding coated head pops up from the drop. "Very funny," she mopes, making a sour face at Celestia.
The older alicorn extends a wingtip, takes a dab of pudding on it, then licks it daintily off. She doesn't notice that Discord, apparently not happy enough with the game, creeping up behind her. Luna almost opens her mouth, then closes it with a smile. Celestia glances at her in surprise, but it's too late. With a hearty shove, the draconequus pushes the second filly off the edge and into the pudding room with a squeal of delight.
"Wha-aaaah!" Splat! The princess hits the pudding, throwing a fresh wave of it over Luna.
More laughing follows as the three youths start grabbing hooffulls of pudding and hurling them at each other. The merriment continues until a loudly clearing of somepony's throat is heard. The camera turns slowly over, focusing in on a tall, regal, white alicorn mare with a red mane. She does not look happy.
"What have you three been up to?" She demands, squinting at the delinquent children. She peers into the darkened room, gasps in shock then glares back at them. "What did you do to my work office!?"
Celestia thrusts a hoof at Discord. "He did it!"
"You three are in a lot of trouble! You're going to clean this mess up, without magic!" Lauren snaps, her horn glowing. A small cap appears over the fillies' horns, and a set of latex gloves over Discord's claws. The three children look despondently up at the mare.
"Aww… mom!" They all moan.
"Nope, you three want to make messes, so you three get to clean them up." She says, then looks straight at the camera. "And you two! Get out of my house!"
The camera jerks sharply as the screen goes fuzzy, then dark.
* * *
The screen lights up again, revealing a sunny, cheerful day at a little park. There's a picnic table with a colorful tablecloth over it, covered in cake and presents. Balloons hang about everywhere in dozens of cheerful colors. Happy fillies and colts dash around, laughing and playing in the warm sunlight.
Sitting at the center of attention, a tiny Chrysalis smiles cheerfully, a big blue party hat atop her head. A slightly older Princess Luna is sitting nearby, hiding beneath her own yellow and green striped hat, eyeing a colt intently. Discord can be seen zipping between balloons, imprinting his chuckling face upon them. Beneath the picnic table, a cutie marked Celestia covers her mouth with one hoof to stifle a giggle as she waits.
The regal form of Lauren Faust strides forward, a big, lovely white birthday cake floating magically next to her. She sets the delectable dessert before the changeling filly, who squeaks out the most adorable laugh of joy.
The colt Luna was eyeing starts walking over to her with a smile that makes the filly blush, and Discord drifts down from his games to share in the cake. Just as the dish is set down, a magical glow surrounds it. It begins to expand like a balloon, much to everypony's surprise. Lauren's horn glows to prevent the disaster, but it's too late. The cake bursts outward, covering the table's occupants in cake and frosting.
Little Chrysalis stares dumbfounded at the destruction of her cake, tears welling up in her eyes. Discord begins laughing uproariously, falling to the tabletop where he laughs uncontrollably, his tail thrashing about.
Luna had just been building up the nerve to speak to the colt, her mouth opening, when the wave of sugary goodness splatters across her back. The colt clenches his teeth, then bursts out laughing as well, sending the humiliated Luna running away in tears.
Beneath the table, Celestia is having her own giggle. She tries to stifle her cheer, only to have it sucked away as Lauren's face peers down at her, covered in frosting.
Peeking below the table as well, Chrysalis' eyes narrow as she whispers to herself. "I'mma get you back for this, Tia… Jus' you wait, I'mma get you back."
* * *
The lights come up as the screen darkens, retracting back up into it's home. Spike and the girls step back out onto the stage.
"Boy, I had no idea things would get that crazy! I guess we were all little like that once, huh!" Spike chuckles, looking up at Twilight.
"Yeah, even the most mature of us were kids once." Twilight replies, then smiles as she gazes towards the audience. "So how about some fanmail everypony?"
"Yeah! Alright! Woohoo! Shake that tail thang!" Donkey starts hollering from the box, whistling and howling at the ponies onstage. "Finally, some girls I can appreciate for their looks! Just don't tell the wife I said that. She can be a bit of a drag-on. Get it? Drag-on!? Hahahaha! I kill me!"
"Anyway," Rarity interrupts, squinting up at the noisy Donkey, "we received this letter from UnweptPegasus from FimFiction, who asks us what we would do if we had a million bits. Personally I can think of quite a bit to do with all of that money. Can you imagine a proper Canterlot boutique, where I would design dresses and outfits for the rich and famous!? It would be a businessmare's dream to own such a fine establishment, and to make a name for herself. That's what I would do with it."
She passes the mic over to Rainbow Dash, who snatches it up eagerly. "What would I do with a million bits!? I'd follow the Wonderbolts on tour around Equestria, getting backstage tickets to every one of their shows, maybe even get a flying session in with them! That would be so awesome!"
"Ooh, ooh! My turn! My turn!" Pinkie Pie cries delightedly, bouncing up and down energetically, apparently still under the influence of whatever she drank. She grabs the microphone, then dashes up to the front of the stage. "Okay everypony, I want you to imagine the biggest most superfantabulous party that has ever happened! If I had a million bits, it would be the best party ever! There would be balloons, cake, ice cream, cupcakes, pound cakes, and Mr. Cake and Mrs. Cake! We'd have loads and loads of fun party games, like that Mario Party game, only real! You could run around the squares, play bumper cars or tennis! We could even hop over obstacles so that we wouldn't get our bum's burned! Doesn't that sound like fun!?"
Cheers and claps greet the pink party pony, who then turns the mic over to Fluttershy. The shy pegasus stares at it for a moment, then speaks softly into the receiver. "I'd really like to make that money to help care for all of the creatures that don't get enough help all around Equestria. It's sad whenever I don't have enough room, or an animal is too big for me to keep around for long treatment, so it would be nice to make somewhere for all animals to come to."
Fluttershy hands the microphone over to Applejack amidst more raucous yelling from the private box as Donkey continues hitting on the girls. "Hey, Flutterbabe! I'm wounded! I'm wounded real bad, won't you come up here and share some of that love with me!?"
"I'm sorry, but you should see a doctor if you're actually hurt." Fluttershy responds.
"Aw man! Jus' when I was sure I was gonna score somethin'!" Donkey moans.
"Well golly, that'd be quite a bit o' money. Ah'd probably use it ta fix up the farm, an' of course take care of mah dear ol' Granny Smith! She does still need that new hip." Applejack answers with a smile. "Ah can't think of nothin' better ta do with bits then ta share 'em with mah family."
"That's quite thoughtful of you, Applejack." Twilight says as she levitates the mic over to herself. "As for me, I'd doubt anypony would just give me a million bits, so I would take them and invest them in stocks and worthwhile investments. Then with the residual from those funds, I would expand the learning base in Equestria by setting up book clubs and swapmeets for ponies who want to share their knowledge and keep reading. That way, everypony wins!"
"It's always more fun when everypony can win!" Pinkie answers.
"Yes it is, Pinkie." Spike says as he takes the mic. "Sadly, we're out of time for today. Thanks to everypony for coming by and watching the show. The cast and crew of the Pony Variety Show! would like to extend our special thanks to those Contributors who work hard to bring you the show every week! To Porcumoose and Lillyfoot15 from deviantArt, and Captain Literal, tacotel, KartalTheWriter, and TheAssumingMage from FimFiction, we want to say thank you for all of your support, writing material, and hard work! Without you guys, this show would never be possible! Last but certainly not least is you, our fans! Without the many contributions and suggestions, we'd never be able to pull this zany mess off! So from all of us to all of you, thanks! See you all next time on the Pony Variety Show!"
* * *
As you exit the theatre amidst the bustling crowd, you see new booths set up alongside the usual one. The first is done up in patriotic colors, displaying an array of buttons for the 'Ruler of Everything' campaigners.
The first one is a golden button that proclaims, 'Princess Celestia, Leadership You Can Count On'.
The second is a strange, color changing button. 'Luna and Discord, 2012. Wouldn't life be a bit more fun with us?' is inscribed upon it.
The third button shows Chrysalis, her eyes gleaming malevolently out at you. Below the creepy image, the button states, 'I'm watching you, and I'll know who you vote for!'
The fourth button displays those two lovable Flim Flam Brothers, under which the slogan of, 'Innovation and Ingenuity for a Better Tomorrow!' under their smiling faces.
The fifth is blue with starbursts upon it, stating, 'Choose the Great and Powerful Trixie and that one Darkened pony for Ruler of Everything!'
The sixth displays Iron Will giving you a thumbs up, with 'Vote for the Best, Stomp out the Rest! Iron Will is for Awesome!' inscribed under it.
After all of this, there is an 'Ask the Candidates' sheet sitting upon the table, where you can put in your questions for next week's big election debate.
Past the busy election booth, there is the Pony Variety Show! Singoff competition table, where a busy Scootaloo is taking in entries.
"Be sure to fill out your entry sheets thoroughly!" She reminds you as she hands out the sheet. "OCs sign up here!"
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/47169
* * *
After escaping the unruly array of ponies, you finally make it out to the parking lot where bronies and ponies alike chatter about their thoughts concerning the latest episode of the Pony Variety Show!
Stats
Page generated in 0.028 seconds
Total duration
977 users online
404,157 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Hahaha!! That was an awesome epsode!! Now that I don't have anypony chasing at the moment, it is time for Captain Literal's..........SUGGESTION TIME!!!!!!
1. Inglorious ponies skit
2. Derpy goes crazy with a muffin launcher.
3. Epic meal time
4. Adventure time with AJ and RD
5. Special guest: Finn and Jake
6. Cootie outbreak.
7. Smarty Pants doll IS ALIVE.
8. Wait that gives me an idea. Night of the living Smarty Pants doll
9. Captain Literal is named ruler of everything.
10. Catch me at the pony sing off!!
11.That's all for now folks Sarge what do you mean he won't fall for your trick into naming me ruler of everything?
12.I'm saying that you don't actually think you could rule everything, you couldn't even help an old lady across the street with our blowing something up.
13. Hey anythings possible!! Anyhoo, until next time Everypony!!
917597
Twilight: "Nice try, mister, but we're not naming you ruler yet. You have to get the fans to vote for you first."
Excellent chapter, as always!
I'm fond of the comedy, myself. I like that this fic doesn't take itself too seriously.
917625
Writer: "Season passes are free, just as long as you're participating! You may want to catch up on events though! There's an election going on, and a competition for all OCs at the moment!"
917639
Twilight: "Everything we do is a little tongue-in-cheek here on the PVS! I hope you'll join us for our contest and election questions!"
917606 TOLD YOU!!![\i]
Don't be such a sour puss, my man!! Look at our competition!! We got this.
*face hoofs* what ever. Not like we have anything to lose.
We have lots of stuff!! We could always lose that stuff.
That's not what I meant, nimrod!! From this is what I mean!
What ever you say boss!! Okay everypony, erm, everybody, Vote Captain Literal and Sergeant Sarcasm for ruler everything!!
The new renovations are nice, but I'm curious as to where you got the money for them.
Did you happen to get funding from Aperture Science, by chance?
917679
Twilight: "We make money by running ads for various individuals and companies during the show. It pays well, and the response has been great for both our and their businesses! So to answer your question, yes we have."
917679
If they did then they could get a great pre-recorded speech from Cave Johnson
917731
Apple Bloom: "Whaddaya mean we're not here ta greet ya? We're almost always here!"
Sweetie Belle: "I'm guessing you have a submission or request? We'd be happy to try any ideas you have!"
Scootaloo: "Don't forget fanmail, questions for the candidates, and our OC singing competition! We'd love to have you join in on the fun!"
I've ony got one parody in mind.
THE HUNGER GAMES
BEST.
MOVIE.
EVUR.
-Epicpony
Time for the official announcement!!!!
VOTE CAPTAIN LITERAL
static.fimfiction.net/images/avatars/30216_256.jpg
AND SERGEANT SARCASM FOR 2012 RULER OF EVERYTHING!! WE WILL MAKE YOUR LIVES FILLED WITH FUN, AND AWESOMENESS!!
917791 Here that River!
River: Yeah!
Go gettem you two horned wonder! and thanks for using my Want it; Need it spell idea.
Another great chapter, these are always hilarious. Personally the more serious skits could be cool, but I prefer comedy. Also: Princess Celestia for ruler of everything, because Discord would ruin chocolate milk/rain for everybody.
Some kind of Regular Show cross over, weather it be a sketch or Having Mordecai and Rigby on as guests. That would be awesome.
917832
Spike: "We've had it suggested before, but we'll add another vote for it for you. Thanks for putting in your ideas!"
918031
Writer: "You are most welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed the show, and we'll look forward to seeing you next time on the PVS!"
918046
Twilight: "Did you catch the part about the contest? If you want River to enter, all you have to do is head over to ArdanBlade's blog and enter River's information and song. Once you've gotten that done, we'll have you officially entered for the Singoff! We're glad you enjoyed the show, and thank you for the suggestion!"
918093
Twilight: "Thank you for all the input. Your ideas are helpful and we look forward to your vote during the election!"
918147
Pinkie Pie: "Thanks for the suggestion! We'd love to try that idea, so I'll just add it to the list!"
918256 Your welcome and I suppose, I'm sure my daughter has ran herself to the thing already check for yourself.
918031 BECAUSE I CAN! MWHAHAHHAHAHHA dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/discord.png
TF2 parody. 'Nuf said.
My question for all of the canidates......
WHAT IS........... The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Truely, the question no ruler can answer.
My suggestion?
Special guest: Pyro.
Skits: Punch Out!! Okami Amaterasu meets Princess Celestia. Also i vote for trixie.
918770 WAIT!! An african or a european swallow?
P.s im a canidate.
Ahhh, finally, caught up with the rest of you.
*Shoves past some bronies talking to each other, his red hoodie flowing behind him.*
Lessee...questions for the campaigners? Guess I'll write out one for each, hope that's ok...hm.
One for the Princess...since you took up rule over Equestria, what exactly has changed over this millenia? I know you're all using far more modern English, but it seems technological advancement is still stuck in the dark ages, with the exception being innovators like the FlimFlamScam brothers.
Discord and Luna, Discord mainly, I have to wonder, what do you think of your reputation currently? It seems that when you broke out of your prison last time, even if it was from a thousand or so years of imprisonment, you had quite a spat with Celestia and Equestria in general. You do know that ruling a country means more than just giving chocolate milk rain to your citizens, right? Just what does Luna plan to do with you at her side, knowing you're a source of permanent chaos? And just as a compliment, it takes a lot of power to make reality freak out like you do by simply existing.
Chrysalis, you already rule over an entire Hive of Changelings. Why do you feel you need to rule over Equestria as well, especially given how you tried to take over the capital? Though you claim to be trust-worthy, isn't a Changeling's inherent purpose deception? What do you offer to the good citizens of the kingdom, and what do you expect back?
Trixie. Trixie, Trixie, Trixie. The only question I have is if your attitude is going to change at all if you are named Ruler of Everything. It seemed you left a lot of sore ponies behind when you escaped Ponyville after the Ursa incident, so do you plan to improve citizen relations in any way?
Flim and Flam, you two already have a handle on the world of innovation, what benefit is there in getting mixed up in politics? It seems like a waste of your time, considering one of the main focuses of businesscolts such as yourselves is based around providing a product for the masses and reaping the profits, not leading a whole country. Just what do you expect to gain from this, and what do you plan to offer?
Iron Will, are you using this race to simply inflate your own ego, or do you really plan to fix things around the country? Leading everything is a FAR larger job than simply providing confidence-building workshops across the country. Do you know what you're getting in to, I wonder?
Can't go neglecting the suggestions side of things...let's see. I did enjoy that daredevil segment a few weeks ago...ah, actually, I've got a good test for Rainbow Dash on this one. Synchronized flying competition against the Wonderbolts, with Rainbow Dash as the captain!
You claim to be the best flyer in Equestria. Let's see you back that claim up against Spitfire and her ace flyers.
*Finishes off his cards and deposits each of them into the correct boxes, one of the last people to walk away from the theatre. He pulls a cupcake he bought earlier out of his pocket, sealed in a baggie, and bites a piece off of it.*
Oh, and compliments to the baker for these! Never tasted something so balanced in my life, even if it is packed with sugar...good stuff!
918344
Twilight: "Excellent! Then we'll see you both there!"
918373
Pinkie Pie: "Hmm... could be. Or it might just be a random occurrence! Heeheehee!"
918629
Twilight: "Sure, we'd be happy to have a Team Fortress 2 Parody! Thanks for the suggestion, we'll put it on the list!"
918729
Rainbow Dash: "Wow, you read fast! I mean, almost as fast as I fly! Almost..."
918770
Twilight: "Alright, your question has been logged for the candidate race. We have the Pyro on the guest list, so I'll just mark that as a vote for him. A fight between Amaterasu and Princess Celestia? I can put it down on the list. Also, voting won't be until the actual election, so just keep it in mind for when we actually do open the ballots. Thanks for your submissions, we look forward to having you back!"
919048
Twilight: "Oh wow, this is great! All of these excellent questions! I'm sure your queries will be most interesting during the debate!"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm ready to back that claim up too! Hey Twi, put that down on the list, would ya? I need to show this guy who's boss!"
Pinkie Pie: "Thanks! It's my own special recipe."
919119
Twilight: "It's always great to see you back. We're glad you enjoyed our hard work and grateful for your support. I've added your question to the candidate's list, and we look forward to seeing your OC at the competition. Thank you again for stopping by, and we'll look forward to seeing you soon!"
Awesome and hilarious, but I have one problem. Why doesn't Spike ever answer any of the questions?
919403
Spike: "Did you want me to answer questions too? It's just most of the requests are for the Mane 6, so I never thought about it. I will if you guys want me to!"
919439 You should. After all, we need a man's insight to /broclaw
919481
Spike: Broclaw. "Okay then, I'll try to answer the questions too!"
919671
Writer: "Of course you have! I always try to remember the fans who stick by me! (My memory is a bit flaky though!)
919561
Me:Goes up to Bluenose and Yellowbelly while nopony or nobody is around to eavesdrop.
"Yo Bluenose and Yellowbelly! I got something juicy that you might want to hear.There's some talk about each of the Mane 6 having an affinity for bishounen and shotacon(straight),with a few of them to the point of obsession.In case you two don't know what they mean,look them up and see why that could be some pretty juicy footage to record.So yeah,see if you're able to score footage of each of them watching either of those two things and their individual reactions to them.Sound humiliating enough to both of you?By the way make sure you guys share your footage in the next episode and if not,then try to put put the footage in the one after it.Trust me it'll sure be better than Twi watching Twilight."
I vote for captain literal becuz I......i........crap
thx Capt.I lost my train of thought....now I can't remember what I was going to say
Oh yea I vote for the Capt!
Excuse me, but the liandri corp would like to sponsor a death match tournament between you ponies. Preferably a classic death match, capture the flag or a Juggernaut mode. re-spawners in mostly working condition will be provided.(if spawned with a missing or extra features, please feel free to kill yourself until you are fixed.)
The same offer is being done by the zandronum corp and the quake arena management.
And my personal question for the day: what would you do if i stalked your mom?
920448
Bluenose: "Bisho-wazzit? Strange thing talks about funny stuff. We try to find stuff though."
Yellowbelly: Hurries up holding Bishounen/Shotacon manga. "Talkin' 'bout this stuff!"
The two changelings peer inside, twitch their heads about, the look back at you.
Bluenose: "You're funny weird thing, but okay, we'll look for it."
920657
Twilight: "Thank you for voting, but the election isn't going to be for a while. We'll let you know when it actually happens."
921387
Rainbow Dash: "That would be awesome! We could play some fights and shoot at each other! It would be totally cool!"
Twilight:
"Oh boy... Rainbow Dash, don't you remember that we're not allowed to actually kill anypony on the show intentionally? If something went wrong, we could blow up whole sections of the audience!"
Rainbow Dash: "They know the risks. It's their problem if they get unlucky."
Twilight: "No it isn't! We have to at least try to keep the show safe!" She turns to you. "We'll do our best to work in a skit for you. I can't promise it will be as dangerous, but we'll do our best."
921461
as stated, there will be re-spawners. no need to worry about death! need a closed environment? just hook up a really big TV in the baground and duke it out in another location with cameras and go kill each other! (but i still like you guys!)
921435
Me:"Oh Bluenose and Yellowbelly,I forgot one last detail.The rumors say that they especially like seeing bishounen and shoton(straight shota) as anime more than as manga.Trust me such footage will be as juicy as the footage of Twilight Sparkle watching Twilight.Good luck mis amigos!"
Sonic and Nyan Cat vs Rainbow Dash
A spell gone wrong leads to the mane 6 being trapped in a dark forest with Slender and cupcakes version Pinkie Pie
Applejack is a firin' her apple lazer
Scootaloo finds out her real parent is Spike
Also I would like you to keep the comedy skits but throw in some serious ones.
I'll take one of those ponies, and that free one!
I'd suggest... Pinkie Pie discovering Goldfish. That could be good.
921511
Twilight: "We'll see. I do have to stand by the no deaths on the show policy though."
922630
Spike: "Thanks for all the suggestions, these'll be fu- wait... you want us to say that I'm Scootaloo's dad!? But... I don't even think that's possible! I'll put it down on the list, but I'm not sure how we'll pull that one off."