The Pony Variety Show!
The energy in the theatre is almost electric as ponies and bronies squeeze through the doors, pushing past the new popcorn and snack stands to get into the showroom! Pinkie Pie smiles eagerly at you from the stand, then proceeds to dash about grabbing various snacks for hungry customers as they flood up to buy her treats!
"C'mon y'all! Let me through! Ya can get yerself a tart once ah get's ta the stand!" Applejack calls, trying to push her way through the concession stand goers, carrying a tray of freshly baked batch of apple tarts on her head. She is forced to nimbly dodge as greedy hands and mouths take shots at her baking, while others shove bills and bits at Pinkie, who attempts to keep up with their purchases.
After acquiring any treats that you feel the urge to dare the crowd for, you make your way down the dark, light studded aisle to the seats. It takes a bit to squeeze through and find yourself a spot, but soon enough you manage. As the crowd begins to settle down, you start hearing a commotion from somewhere behind the stage.
"Derpy, don't touch those! They could be-" Twilight Sparkle's warning is cut short by a sound like a hundred balloons deflating simultaneously.
The curtains are roughly displaced along the bottom edge by a flood of sky blue flowers, from which Derpy's head pops out. Something is curiously wrong with the usually silly looking grey pony. Her eyes are correctly aligned, her messy blond mane is not only straight, but tidy, and she doesn't look even the slightest bit awkward.
"I say, sorry about that ol' chap!" She calls backstage, emerging from the massive pile of Poison Joke flowers. "I really didn't mean to. Not quite sure what went wrong there."
Twilgiht Sparkle… uh… I mean Dusk Shine, emerges from behind the curtain in a rush! "Oh no no no no! Not now! Not right as the audience is… Gah! The audience! Quickly Der- I mean Dapper, we need to get this fixed! The show is about to start, and-"
The curtains sweep back, revealing the singers appear, all covered in sequin lined disco suits. They promptly begin singing the opening theme as Dusk Shine dashes about, trying to shove them all backstage.
"It's time for the show-show-show!
Let's get up and go-go-go!
You bronies prepare-pare-pare,
It's our time to share-share-share!
Hey weren't you just a mare?"
Dusk Shine groans exasperatedly. "Yes I was a ma- I mean, I am a mare! I'm just messed up right now! Stop singing! Go on, get backstage! We need to fix this before we can run the show! I can't be a colt right now!"
A flash of light appears next to you, right where the vast form of Discord now sits. He tilts his head down, whispering to you out of the corner of his mouth. "The Poison Joke was my idea! Priceless, isn't it!?"
With as second flash, the draconequus disappears, leaving you to enjoy the show.
"Oh he was a mare-mare-mare!
It's our time to share-share-share!
We fly high and dance low, we're getting in the flow,
It's the Pooonyyy Variiietyyy Shooooow!"
"No! We're not doing this right now! Get in there! Get in there all of you!" Dusk Shine screams, pushing the dancing ponies back behind the falling curtain as the show begins.
"Oh my!" The sensual, oddly familiar voice echoes over the audience, drawing eyes up to the booth, where George Takei sits alongside Mr. Waddle and Geri Fore in the private box. "That was a truly enlightening line, Mr. Shine. I think I will look forward to watching you perform."
"Hey there everybody!" Mr. Waddle hollers to you all. "Please welcome the helmsman of the Enterprise, outspoken rights activist, and our special guest, George Takei!"
Applause spreads through the theatre for the celebrity guest. A spotlight turns to the booth as he stands up, smiling for you all. "Thank you for having me on your show. I must say it is a wonderful experience being here, and I must say, this looks to be an interesting episode."
"Uuugh, this is all wrong! We weren't supposed to introduce the special guest yet!" Dusk complains as he trots over to the curtain. "Spike! Get out here! You're supposed to be making the announcements!"
"Uh, Twi- ah mean, Dusk, we got ourselves a bit of a problem here." Applejack enters the stage, a balloon tied about her body. Floating above her, Spike floats, puffed up until he's almost a ball with a muzzle, tail, and clawtips.
"Sorry Dusk, I'm not sure I can announce today." Spike squeaks, sounding like he just swallowed a whole lot of helium.
"Gaaaah!" Dusk shouts, "Can anything else go wrong today!?"
Music begins to play as the curtain sweeps open, revealing the first act. Several OCs are caught trotting about, trying to get the stage set, but to no avail. A pair of unicorn stallions sit in the middle of what was probably supposed to be a garden, kissing each other passionately.
The male of the two, a white pony with a blue and green mane styled in a mohawk, peeks his eye open, and seeing the chaos, pulls his lips from the other. "Uhh, Wind Whistler… I think something's wrong."
He looks over at his kissing companion, a white maned, purple pony. "Wait!? You… you're a colt!"
The purple stallion looks down at himself in surprise, then squeals in surprise. "What happened to me!? What about our love song, Caramel!? Where did Fluttershy go!?"
They both look about, but the only sign of the yellow mare is a tall, slender yew tree holding a microphone. Unable to sit with this, Wind Whistler races from the stage, crying. Caramel, apparently the white pony, sits back on his haunches, looking about awkwardly. His eyes are suddenly caught by the more slender, though still burly form of Big Macintosh, who has also apparently suffered from the genderbending effects of this particular Poison Joke.
"Oh hey, you got it too, huh?" Caramel asks.
"Eeyup."
Caramel starts eyeing the red mare, seemingly growing a bit enamored. His eyes droop, and his voice grows sultry. "So, do you want to hang out?"
Big Mac's eyes shrink in alarm. "Nnope!"
"Oh my!" George calls out as the large, red mare makes a break for it, pursued by the colt! "i didn't realize this was that kind of show. Is it always this way?"
"Nope." Geri Fore answers. "Usually someone in the audience has gotten hurt by now!"
"Dohohohoho!"
The curtains fall on the antics as a commercial break ensues, giving poor Dusk Shine a little time to sort out the mess!
* * *
A burst of magical cloud floods over the stage. Confetti cannons fire off on either side as Trixie is carried out onto the stage atop a platform carried by Snips and Snails, who are huffing and puffing under the weight of their favorite unicorn. A shimmering, deep blue banner unrolls, proclaiming 'The Great and Powerful Trixie, 2012!' behind the blue unicorn as she struts up to the front of the stage.
"Welcome to the amazing brilliance of The Great and Powerful Trixie! I have chosen to participate in these Ruler of Everything elections, which of course I will win." She pats herself on the chest, showing her teeth as she smiles proudly.
"First, let Trixie ask you, why does one such as I need a running partner? Unlike these others, Trixie needs no other pony to win, and will clearly demonstrate her mastery of the electoral system by triumphing without the aid of an assistant!"
"Second, The Great and Powerful Trixie has listened to the feeble arguments of the other candidates, and she feels most confident that she will deliver far better than any so-called royalty, lies from non-ponies, and ridiculous contraptions that get up and walk away from their masters."
"Finally, Trixie will bedazzle and amaze her new subjects and enemies alike. None will dare test her incredible, indescribable magical powers once Trixie is done demonstrating her full potential!"
Suddenly another OC bursts onto the scene, nearly knocking Trixie over as he flies by on white wings. He lands in a dramatic pose, his red and purple mane blowing in a nonexistent wind.
"Have no fear! Captain Literal is here!" He declares loudly, puffing out his chest.
Snorting angrily at the upstaging OC, Trixie steps down from her erstwhile podium, getting right into Captain Literal's face. "The Great and Powerful Trixie did not demand a heroic feat of any kind, you nimrod!"
Captain Literal responds by pushing Trixie gently aside, he quickly usurps the limelight, causing Trixie to turn a very unladylike shade of red. "Do not worry, my good mare! I'll save this commercial interruption by making it better!"
Trixie's eyes drooped irritably. "You mean that you are going to flesh it out."
"Commercials don't need flesh, my silly little filly! They need action!" Captain Literal launches into the air, creating a whirlwind upon the stage! Snips and Snails are promptly sucked into the growing storm, followed by a very unwilling Trixie.
"StooOOoooOOoooOOoop IT you fOOooaAAl!" Trixie squeals.
"Very well then!" Captain Literal promptly ceases creating the tornado, causing the three hapless ponies into the audience like projectiles! Snips comes skidding to a stop under your chair, his eyes spinning.
"Woooh… Let's not go on that ride again, mommy…" He mumbles as he wobbles to his feet.
"Once again, the day is saved! Captain Literal, away!" With that, the OC whips off over the audience's heads, disappearing through the door.
* * *
Dapper Whooves emerges from the right side of the stage, looking slightly bothered. "Ahem, due to the consequential nature of having our good and dear friend Spike incapacitated at this very moment, Mr. Shine has requested that I fill in for him. As such, here is our next act, one Battlefriends: Baked Bads 2."
As the now snobbish stallion steps aside, he gestures to the curtains, which slide open. "We find our heroes recovering some kind of classified intelligence from where it was lost, high in the mountain strongholds of the griffons."
You feel an incredibly chilly wind flood into the room, followed by snowflakes as you stare out onto a mountainside road along a cliff. Tall pines fill in the rolling crags, and a truck seems to be racing towards you, the loud chatter of gunfire emitting from it. Two more vehicles are tearing along in it's wake, filled with angry griffins carrying AK-47s.
As the first truck near, you see Dusk Shine leaning out the passenger side window, firing his own AK back at the angry griffons. In the driver's seat, Pinkie Pie is doing her best to control the speeding vehicle, biting her tongue as she scowls out the half shattered front window. Applejack is sitting in the back, handling some kind of grenade launcher, while Rainbow Dash takes potshots with a rifle.
"What in the hay did you bake into those muffins, Private Sugarwater!?" Dusk Shine yells over at Pinkie, aka Pvt. Sugarwater. The pink pony turns the wheel hard, slewing the truck around a tight bend, throwing the girls in the back over.
"Oh, nothing important! Just the intel that we were supposed to pick up, Sergeant Twiford." Pinkie replies with a smile. The angry Dusk Shine, aka Sgt. Twiford, doesn't look amused.
Applejack fires off the grenade launcher with a thump, slamming one of the explosive rounds into the hood of the lead pursuit vehicle. "What the buck, Sugarwater!? Ya tryin' ta get us all killed!?"
"No, but that cliff ahead might." Pinkie answers, swerving the truck again. The cargo hauler nearly rolls as it skids around yet another narrow corner, giving their vehcle a little leeway from the griffons.
Back behind them, Gilda is doing her best to hold on while leveling a submachine gun on the ponies from the back of her own vehicle. "It's time for some payback! I'll teach you lame-os a thing or two for stealing from us!"
Her gun chatters, throwing bullets against the tail end of the lead truck. Applejack and Rainbow Dash duck behind the heavy, steel tailgate as the deadly projectiles ricochet off of it.
"Not cool!" Ranbow snaps, raising her rifle to take another shot at her former friend.
Suddenly the military truck's engine coughs, cutting out. "What the hay you doin' up there, Sugar!?" Applejack asks, looking up towards the cab.
"Get us moving, they're almost on top of us!" Dusk Shine yells, looking over at the struggling pink pony.
"Oh buck, oh buck, oh buck, oh buck, oh buck!" Applejack panics, her eyes growing wide as Gilda's truck comes barreling in towards them.
"Gotcha now, dweebs!" Gilda laughs triumphantly, brandishing a rocket launcher.
"Got it!" Ranbow calls as her rifle cracks a report. There doesn't seem to be any damage to the racing vehicle or it's occupants.
"Ya missed, Marlowe! How could ya buckin' miss!?" Applejack demands, staring incredulously over at the grinning Rainbow Dash.
In the driver's seat, Pinkie starts bouncing as her tail twitches spastically. "Hey, my tail's a-twitchin'! Something's gonna fall!"
There's a roar as the second, still burning truck swerves over, it's driver slumped against the wheel. Gilda only has enough time to look over at the other truck, screeching an eagle's cry in panic as it careens into her own vehicle! The impact throws both trucks over the edge, leaving the girls free of pursuit, even as Pinkie manages to get the engine fired up again.
"Whew, that was close." Pinkie says calmly. Dusk Shine looks on the verge of a panic attack, then lets out an exasperated sigh and slumps his head.
"Just get us out of here, Sugarwater…"
"You got it, mister ma'am, sir!" Pinkie salutes, driving the truck off as the curtains sweep to a close.
* * *
Stepping out onto the stage, a sleazy looking brown pegasus with a wicked grey combover mane smiles at all of you in that familiar, car salesman way that makes you cringe. The big screen slowly slides down, projecting an old, 1974 Cadillac commercial as the pony begins his introduction.
"Famine in Ethiopia? Hahaha! No, I've got something much more important to tell you about, cars! Hi, I'm Fleetwood Eldorado Brougham, the owner of Ponyville's only Cadillac-Buick-Chevorlet dealership, selling the finest vintage cars this side of Manehattan, and have I got a deal for you! Today we're featuring this rare 1978 Cadillac Seville Opera Coupe! She's the lap of luxury, folks, with full, leather interior, in perfect shape, and ready for a test drive, all at Ponyville Cadillac-Buick-Chevorlet! Now do I have any questions?"
Fluttertree raises her hoof… er… branch. "I… um… I have a question… Mr. Brougham sir… How environmentally friendly are your cars?" You're really not sure how she's talking, but right at the moment, it seems kind of beside the point.
Fleetwood blinks, then answers promptly. "Buck you, now moving on! Any more questions from the audience!?"
Several others raise their hands and hooves. The salespony looks about, finally settling on Dusk Shine, who looks rather annoyed. "Miss… er… Mr. Shine, how about you?"
"How good is the gas mileage on these cars?"
"Buck you too! Okay, anypony got a question that's not related to how practical they are?" Fleetwood seems to be getting irritated by the questions. Most of the audience seems to agree, as hands and hooves lower in droves.
"Ah… Alright then. How about you. Miss Rarity, was it?" He points his hoof dramatically over to the fashionista, who seems to have a bit of a bone to pick.
"Mr. Brougham, you strike me as a determined salespony, but all things considered, I could simply stroll out right now, buy myself a brand-new BMW with all of the luxury of one of your cars, plus excellent gas mileage. What makes your cars so special?" Rarity asks.
"Are you kidding me!?" Mr. Brougham gasps in mock shock. An adventurous western beat starts playing over the speakers as he passionately answers the question.
"The Cadillac is the best that has ever been produced! These are the cars that world leaders drive! If you want yourself a BMW, sure you'll get a nice car, but that's all it is, a hunk of metal that you drive and nothing more. A Cadillac, oh, that's a way of life sister! You see my cutie mark?" Fleetwood gestures to the black landau iron marking his rump.
"Oh my!" George Takei's voice calls from the balcony, eliciting chuckles from the audience.
"Moving on." Fleetwood grumbles, then returns promptly back into his sales pitch. "I got this when I was a little colt, the first time I saw a Cadillac for myself. I knew from that day forward, that this company was my destiny! It can be yours too, Ponyville!"
"Cadillac is an elegant, sophisticated automobile for elegant, sophisticated socialites like yourselves. You drive one, I promise, no I guarantee that everypony will love you to death. Ponies will take their hats off when you drive past. You'll be having dinner with Canterlot's elite! You'll earn the unwavering respect of everypony you meet!"
Finally winded by his spiel, Fleetwood gasps for breath, leaving the room nearly silent. A clatter of hooves breaks the quiet as Trixie, fresh from cleaning herself up, rushes onto the stage. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has been sold! I'll take your top-of-the-line model, Mr. Brougham!"
"Thank you, Miss Trixie. You have just invested in your new way of life!"
"Perfect, soon the Great and Powerful Trixie will have a car to match her status as Ruler of Everything!" She laughs to herself as Fleetwood Brougham walks her from the stage.
"Heh heh, sucker…"
"That was quite a sales pitch." Mr. Waddle comments.
"Yeah, too bad he hit a screwball." Geri Fore replies.
"Dohohohohoho!"
* * *
The curtains sweep dramatically aside, revealing a finely appointed shop, filled with glass cases displaying exquisite pieces of fine china. The simple, yet beautifully decorated plates, cups, and bowls each holding a certain charm.
As the theatre's lights fade away, spotlights focus in on the stage. The rhythms of 'Ride of the Valkyries' begins to play as Iron Will, Dapper Whooves, and Rainbow Dash tiptoe into the spotlights from the left side of the stage, each wearing an off-white, frill skirted leotard.
Despite the tight garment, Dapper Whooves seems right at home, tiphoofing across the shop with the ease of a master. The same could not be said of Iron Will or Rainbow Dash, who both struggled along each pace. The large minotaur struggled along, his body not built for the delicate motions of ballet. Rainbow Dash was fighting a very different struggle, for the garment seemed to have an enmity to settle with the tomboyish pegasus. With each step, she squirmed in the leotard, nearly losing her balance.
As the music began rising, so to did the dancers begin to flourish upon their moves. A pirouette by Iron Will sent him stumbling, smashing headfirst into a cabinet. Dozens of plates shattered under the blow, and as he drew back from the wall, he pulled the cabinet along with him upon his horns! With a mighty crash, the entire compliment of dishes came pouring out, busting upon the ground as he tried to rid himself of the busted furnishing!
A flailing hoof from the larger creature narrowly missed Rainbow Dash, who was barely managing her own twist. With a yelp of surprise, she leaned further than she could hold, lost her footing, and slammed into a shelf. Grabbing the wood with her hooves, she caught a shelf cloth with her teeth. Neither arrested her progress, and she went crashing to the floor. The unfortunate shelf and all of the fine teacups sitting upon the cloth fell right along with her.
Dapper swept past both of the others, still caught up in the same moment that had dropped the other two. He came to a graceful bow, then rises to continue dancing, narrowly being missed by Iron Will, who falls backwards off the stage. The minotaur comes crashing backwards into the crowd, squashing at least one of the audience members under his bulk.
Rainbow Dash managed to push herself back to her feet and continue the dance, but she stepped on a stray plate, sending her tumbling into the shelf on the opposite side. Looking up as it tottered towards her, Rainbow jerked hard, tearing out the back of the leotard, spreading her wings, and dodging from under the heavy cabinet. She only barely squeezed out in time, followed by the loud shattering of expensive plates and cups!
As the song came to an end, Dapper took a long, elegant bow, surrounded by the devastated china. The entire shop was in ruins, a handful of audience members sore from Iron Will's stumble. Rainbow Dash's wings got entangled with the ripped leotard only a moment after she took off, which sent her plunging into some poor brony, who had now captured her and was promising to never let the powder blue pegasus go, to which she was objecting fiercely.
"Lemme go! I need to get out of this thing! Somepony help me! I've caught a fanboy!" Rainbow yelled, squirming to escape the obsessive grip of her captor.
Rubbing his head, Iron Will pushed himself off of his unfortunate acquaintances. "Why did Iron Will agree to this again?"
"Well, at least that disaster came to an end." Dusk Shine whispered, staring in horror at the utter destruction wrought upon the stage. "At least it can't get any worse."
At that moment, something sparked. Within moments, the entire china shop was ablaze. The curtains fell closed as the crew went to work trying to control the blaze. Dapper stepped up, seemingly oblivious to the crisis behind the curtains.
"We shall endeavor to deal with this most unfortunate turn of events, and be with you again in a moment."
* * *
For a while, you wonder if they're going to get the fire out, but finally the smoke has ceased billowing from behind the curtains. There's still some commotion, but it seems to have died down. From somewhere in the back, you hear Flim and Flam discussing the floor repairs, Dusk Shine trying to get the crew back in order, and Pinkie Pie babbling constantly about caffeine. Apparently the party pony has had a little too much, and is ricocheting off of the walls!
From the left side of the stage, a light blue pony with a red mane steps, looking a little embarrassed. He clears his throat, then speaks into the mic he's holding. "Sorry about the delay folks. It took a bit, but we have the fire under control, so no need to worry. It's about time for our peek behind the scenes here on the Pony Variety Show!, so sit back, relax, and let's see what those two jokesters, Bluenose and Yellowbelly have for us today."
Upon hearing their names, the pranksters shoot out from behind the curtains, holding their forehooves up to take in the audience's cheers. "Keekeekeekee! We gotcha good stuff today! Good, good stuffs! The Twilight pony will never stop hearing these jokes! Keekeekeekeekee!" Yellowbelly giggles.
"Wait, what!? Didn't you two do enough damage the last time!?" Dusk Shine bursts onto the stage from through the curtains, murder in his eyes. "Why are you going after me again!?"
"Because, keekeekeekee, you so easy ta make fun of!" Bluenose manages before bursting out laughing.
"Uugh! You to better not have… you know what, I'm not saying anything else!" Dusk snaps.
"Ooh, you have more secrets for us!? Let's go!" Yellowbelly laughs as the two pranksters zip off.
"Boldheart, are you going to let them get away with this!?" Dusk demands, looking squarely at the other pony on stage.
"What do you want me to do? It's your contract, Twilight." Boldheart answers, looking sorry for the mare turned stallion.
With a long, heavy sigh, Dusk Shine plods off of the stage, bemoaning her circumstances. "Sure, blame it on the contract! As if my day can't get any harder, now they're putting up another video of me!"
The screen slides down as the lights dim. The show begins.
* * *
The view begins to light up, but only enough for you to see the vague outline of somepony. The unknown figure seems to have a large, round head, crested with some kind of fins. The body of the figure seems to be little more than a ball set underneath it, attached by a very short neck. The creature appears to have clawed arms, but no more is visible in the dark.
"Keekeekee! You say you're close to the Twilight pony?" You hear one of the changelings ask, chuckling at his own question.
The voice that answers is clearly modified to be very deep, keeping their identity securely hidden. "Yes, I'm very close, if you know what I mean."
"So tell us, thing you are. Tell us about Twilight pony's secrets! Keekeekeekee!"
"Sure, Twilight has lots of secrets she doesn't think I know about, but I'm pretty sharp for a… friend… yeah, that's it." The figure answers, apparently nervous about giving too much of it's identity away. "First, I'll tell you all about her naughty books. As everypony knows, Twilight reads everything, and I mean everything these days! There was a time she might overlook a book, but now she's gotten even worse. Like, she even reads those cheesy fliers that you get at airports and travel agencies, you know? But this, oho, this is a doozie. Some of her favorite books are hidden in her room near the bed. They're some kind of love books, the sort that she'll read late at night, rolling around on her bed and making funny noises to. Sometimes, she even gets up in front of the mirror, and reenacts them to herself. I know, I've caught her doing it twice!"
"Keekeekeekeekeekee!" The interviewer bursts out laughing at the description, only recovering to ask yet another question. "Does the Twilight pony know that you know about this?"
"Heh, not a chance. I'd never hear the end of it if she did! Nope, ol' Spi- uh… Spiderman has all kinds of secrets… yeah that's it, I'm Spiderman! But yeah, I've got all kinds of secrets hidden everywhere in the library, and Twilight has no idea!"
"Keekeekee! So tell us more about the Twilight pony, Spiderman." The troublemaking changeling says.
"Let's see, oh, there was the time that Twilight started having her special times." The figure lifts a clawed hand.
"Special times? What special times?" The interviewer asks.
"Like the times when mares start acting funny and getting blood everywhere. Well, Twilight's first time was not only a mess, but of course she wanted to share it with the Princess. She wanted to share it so much, that she burst into a council meeting, ran straight up to Princess Celestia, and started crying against her coat, right in front of the stag dignitaries! I heard they almost declared war over the offense! Can you believe it!?"
"Keekeekeekee! Sparklebutt almost started a war because she's a filly! Keekeekeekee!" Now it becomes clear that two changelings are doing the interviewing, as both fall over laughing. One of them finally recovers, setting the camera straight. "So why was the Twilight pony so upset? Did somepony make her that way?"
"Oh yeah, totally! She had been hit so bad that day, that she started getting all crazy. She doesn't like to talk about it, but Guard ponies actually make her… um… yeah. There was this one pegasus stallion named Lightning Blitz, she liked that one a lot! Of course, he was a full grown stallion, and she was just a filly, ya know!? She followed him around all day, rubbing her side against his leg, asking him awkward questions, and doing her little 'Sunshine' dance in front of him!"
"Oh my!" The sound of George Takei's voice sends a ripple of laughter through the audience around you.
"The whole situation was made even more awkward by the fact that he was already married. He didn't want to send Twilight away for fear she'd tell the Princess on him, but all of the other Guard ponies started joking about it. During dinner that evening, when Twilight popped up under his seat at the dining table, he finally lost it, screamed in front of the entire Royal Guard, and threw himself out of a stained glass window. He was in therapy for weeks! Huhahahahaha!"
Unable to contain itself any longer, the shadow dropped over, laughing hysterically at the memory. The changelings were equally amused, laughing uproariously, bumping the camera again in their humor. It took a few minutes for them to recover.
"Keekeekee… ah huh… okay, okay… tell us more about Twilight pony." One of the interviewer asks.
"Have you ever heard of Twilight Sparkle cooking?" The so-called 'Spiderman' replies with their own question, then answers anyway. "Everypony knows that Twilight doesn't cook, but the real reason is because of what happens when she tries! One time, we were at Sweet Apple Acres with our friends, and I had made a fruit salad. Well, I figured that since we'd be in an apple orchard, we'd just pick some and add them to the salad once we were there. Little did I know that Twilight wanted to be the one to add them. She insisted that she was finally ready, despite other instances of attempting to cook, so we let her."
"Nearly a dozen apple trees burned to the ground in the fire, and several more had limbs so badly scorched that we had to cut them away. We didn't get our picnic lunch, and Twilight hasn't been let near a knife since." The figure finished, eliciting more chuckles from the changelings.
"Keekeekee! So tell us, what is the most embarrassing thing you have learned about the Twilight pony? The thing that her friends will say it, and she will turn all red and run away!" One of the pranksters asked gleefully.
"Well, there was the secret of Smarty Pants." The outlined figure said, eliciting a gasp from Dusk Shine, who emerged moments before at the mention.
"What about the Smarty one!?" The changelings sounded almost ecstatic to hear the tale.
"She would only get him out late at night, when she thought nopony was around. She would take the little doll up to her bed, and-" There is a brilliant burst of magic as Dusk Shine, panicked by the unveiling of the story, blasts the screen with an enormous bolt of energy. The large electrical apparatus is ripped apart by the energy, sending razor sharp shrapnel flying into the heavy red curtains behind them!
* * *
"I'm sorry everypony." Dusk Shine mumbles before the audience and half a dozen stage crew caught by the debris. "I shouldn't have been so hasty."
"It's okay, Twi… uh… Dusk." Applejack replies, ignoring the cast now around her left foreleg. "We all get embarrassed sometimes. Besides, whoever that fella was, he was spoutin' some right nonsense about ya."
"Ahehehe… nonsense… right." Dusk replies, lowering his head as his cheeks flare red.
"Ooh, ooh! Guess what it's time for!? Fan mail!" Pinkie squeals gleefully, holding an envelope. "Can I read it, can I!?"
Smiling at the incorrigible pony, Dusk Shine nods. "Of course you can, Pinkie."
"Alrighty then!" Pinkie reads the letterhead, then rips off the envelope, her eyes darting over the contents. She looks up at me with irritation. "Mr. Writer, did you lose the name of the pony who asked this question?"
"Uh… yes? Look, I tried to find the comment, but it's been a while, and I can't remember everything!" From somewhere outside of the computer this story was written on, I answer sheepishly.
"Way to go, big shot!" Pinkie yells back, then proceeds with the letter. "If you happen to be the pony who asked this question, please let the big goofy goofball know so that he can credit you for it. Anyway, the question is what are our favorite snacks. Oh boy, I have lots of those! I like cupcakes and wedding cakes and pound cakes! There's frosting and gelatin and ewwie goowie taffy! Oh, and I love pies! Pies are delicious! So are doughnuts and sugar coated-"
"Pinkie." Dusk grumbles.
"Yes Dusk?" Pinkie looks over at the stallion.
"Shouldn't you give somepony else a turn?" He asks.
"Oh, you're right. I just got so excited, I got carried away! Who wants to go next?"
"Me!" Rainbow Dash interjects, then rubs her hoof against her chin. "My favorite snack? Hmm… I do like snacks, but my favorite has to be those Skittle candies you shared with me that one time, Pinkie."
"I remember that! From that 'Dash Eats Some Skittles' story! It was fun watching you!" Pinkie giggles.
"Well if you ask me, the best treats are not only delicious, but elegant as well." Rarity coos, lowering her eyelids seductively. "I've always fancied those Canterlot Chocolate Company truffles, like the ones that were served at the wedding. Such finery is almost too much, but they are just so good."
"Mmmm! Sounds tasty, Rarity!" Pinkie grins. "How about you, Applejack?"
"Ah prefer good ol' crackerjacks with apple slices." Applejack answers cheerfully. "It's jus' a little down home goodness with popcorn an' caramel ta add just the right touch. Ah could eat that stuff all day."
"Yeah, that's one of my favorites too! Oh, Fluttershy, what's your favorite tasty treat?" Pinkie turns, looking up at the tree still waiting to be turned back into a pony.
"Um… well, I do like some kinds of desserts, but my favorite is… um… well it's a little strange…" The tree answers softly.
"Go on, sugarcube. We ain't judgin' ya or nothin'." Applejack reassures the arboreal pony.
"Well, um… you see… I like… raw onions." The tree mumbles, embarrassed by her choice in snacks. For a moment, the girls stand there, looking up at their friend's leafy boughs in confusion.
"Don't worry about it, Fluttershy. Everypony has something interesting they like!" Dusk explains with a smile.
"Um… okay." The tree answers.
"Despite somepony deciding to share my life's story, they clearly didn't know what my favorite treat was." Dusk smiles proudly. "A long time ago, Princess Celestia was having some guests from a distant land over, and she invited me to sit with them while they talked. That day, I got to try my favorite snack ever! They were strawberries dipped in cream, then coated in a hard chocolate shell made from an exotic kind of cocoa bean. It was so delicious, I had to push the bowl away to keep from eating them all."
"Mmmmm!" The others chorus at the mention of the delicious sounding treat.
"I hope that answers your question, mister person who asked it!" Pinkie smiles, then goes into the closing words. "We here at the Pony Variety Show! would like to thank all of our wonderful cast members, Lani, the Writer's fiancée for keeping him sane! Zannpony from deviantArt for her support and constant suggestions. Captain Literal of fimfiction, who is always there and gives 110% to every episode. KartalTheWriter of fimfiction, who shared Caramel and Wind Whistler, as well as contributed to the show. Tacotel of fimfiction, another contributor who has helped us out, and TheAssumingMage of fimfiction, for working on improving The List."
"We would also like to thank Fleetwood Eldorado Brougham from the story 'Last Ditch' on fimfiction for that hilarious commercial, Trials of fimfiction for making the author laugh at the Skittles story, and George Takei for coming by and having a laugh with us! Lastly, but certainly not worstly, we want to thank all of you for being our fans, and coming by to see us! We'll see you next time on the Pony Variety Show!"
Pinkie starts waving at you all. "Be sure to leave us a comment about what you want us to do next time, send some more fan mail, commercials for advertisements, and other fun stuff! We'd love to hear from you!"
* * *
Everypony makes their way slowly out of the theatre, packing back into the lobby. Somehow, Pinkie Pie has already beaten you here, and is dishing out snacks and desserts to hungry customers. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are sitting at their own booth, waiting eagerly for you all to come share your comments, let them know what new stuff you'd like to see on the PVS!, share some fan mail, or even make a commercial offer!
After giving your remarks to the CMC, chatting it up with your friends, and possibly getting one of Pinkie Pie's famous chimicherrychangas, you make your way from the theatre, back to normal life.
Have them interview a lemon
Psst!! Hey, Trixe isn't around is she? *looks around nervously* She kinda is really pissed off at me. I don't want to be in the middle of my Suggestion spiel and have her show up.
Well I'll be damned mighty fine work Twi-er Dusk-er WHATEVER! Twilight read those naughty books, I dont blame her, think about it she's cooped up in the library all the time so when you think about she had "Free time"
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Sweetie Belle: "A lemon? Well, okay I suppose. I'll just put that on the list."
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Twilight: "I think you're safe for now. She's still buying that car." Rolls her eyes.
877088
Twilight: "H-hey! Don't go talking about that in the comments! I don't want other ponies making a big deal about it too!" Blushes.
877113 Dont worry! Between you and me I find River with those too
here are my suggestions 1.)a Willy Wonka parody. 2.) a Billy Mays commercial and 3.) an invasion of previous mlp generations. oh and by the way.....FIRST!!!!!!!
877105 Whew!! Yea being repeatedly zapped by lightning bolts is definitely not fun.
Okay, time for Captain Literal's.............SUGGESTION TIME!!
1. Iron Will join's the campaign!! His thing, If he can train ponies, he can run everything!
2. Rarity decides to beautify the audience
3. As an idea for someone pranking the pranksters, it could be Discord
4. The Terminator Pony!!
5. Zombies skit
6.Fluttershy's pet training program, but something goes terribly wrong
7. Wildlife time with Fluttershy, First episode: How much wood could a wood chuck, chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck wood? Lets find out!!
8.SWEET CELESTIA!!! IS THAT A BUCKIN MONSTER TRUCK!!
9. Trixie: YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU COULD ESCAPE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE, DID YOU? Even if you are hands- erm, I mean Talented, you are no match for the great and powerful Trixie!!!!
10.*Shoots away, with Trixie in pursuit, who is blushing furiously at what she almost said"
11.CRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sergeant Sarcasm: I guess that ends this episode of suggestion time, brought to you by my nimrod best friend.
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Rarity: "Let me see, you want us to bring in the last few generations. I think we can do that. Raise Billy Mays from the dead so that he can do a commercial. Well, death hasn't stopped us before. Oh, I'm sorry darling, but some other ponies got here first. I will add your suggestions to the list. Thank you for watching the show, and sharing your ideas."
877165
Twilight: "Somehow, I got the idea that kharma would catch up with him. Let your friend know that we're grateful for the suggestions, and that we'll look forward to seeing you both next time."
877208 Sergeant Sarcasm: You are welcome. Don't worry he'll be okay, he gets in trouble like this all the time. You should have seen the time when he got chased across town by a band of angry drunks because he "saved" them from getting fatter, by throwing away their food and telling them that is it best for their health to lose some weight. He never means any harm, he is just incredibly......... stupid.
877191Thank You!!
877097
Make It a combustible lemon. Better yet, just have Cave Johnson on as the special guest!
PERSONAL PARODY STATUS LIST:
Hokuto No Ken, also know as Fist of The North Star(Or should I say "Hoof of the North Star"?) Woth Big Mack as Kenshiro and Bloomberg as the villian!: ON HOLD
Marevel(Marvel) Universe parody (Mainly X-MEN as X-PONIES) ON HOLD
Tactical Action Espionage
METAL GEAR SOLID 3:
Alfalfa Eater: ON HOLD
New Mobile Report Gundam Wing: Enless Waltz: ON HOLD
Call of Cutie: Blank OPS staring with the Cutie Mark Crusaders: ON HOLD
Battlefirend: Baked Bad Company 1and/or 2 DONE AS: BATTLEFRIENDS: BAKED BAD 2 SKETCH
I am pleased to see that you used my battlefield sugestion for this chapter, YOU'VE GOT MY YAY's!
I would like to add to the list:
My Little Ace Combat: Magic Assault Horizon(Ace Combat: Assault Horizon) Colonel Rainbow Dash, Leader of the 108th Taskforce: Spectum have a disturbing nightmare about her incoming death over the skies of Canterlot
Rider: San Prancisco(Driver: San Francisco): EBI Agent Twilight is Uncouncious after freak carriage accident during a chase and she dreams she can possess ponies that are driving their carriages to crime fighting to the point hat every criminal is now scared of being followed by any car because no it looks that there a cop in every car on the city, that and recapture Discord who highjacked his prision transport
TRANSFORMARES: ponyrobots in disguise; Celestia Prime's Ponybots(Mane Six, Shining Armor, Big Mackintosh, Luna and Cadance) Vs. Crysalitron´s Deceptilings(Incluiding Gilda, Trixie, Screwball)
G.I.BOLT: A Real Equesrian Hero; The Bolts(Mane Six, The Wonderbolts Shining Armor(As General ARMOR), Big Mac as Heavy Duty, all of them as a G.I.JOE Unit) Vs. NIGHTMARE(Luna as Nightmare Commander, with Cadance as The Baroness, Flim and Flam as Tomax and Xamot, Discord as Destro, Trixie as Firefly(The Cobra Terrorist, not the pony that Rainbow Dash was Bsed upon)Gilda as Major Bludd, and Derpy as Storm Shadow)
I will be looking forward for the next chapter!
((Walks by comments booth, without posting once again.)) Interesting episode a great night for a walk if I might add to myself. That poison joke bit was go-... ((Turns and bolts for the comments booth, arrives.)) Hey, CMC, are they ever going to fix that poison joke problem? It wasn't resolved so I can only assume they'll seek help after the show? Maybe? Oh, and add "A great job, once again."
I would like to suggest that....darn....i just love this show so much!
I am going to ask this mane 6: If you weren't working where you are now, what would you be doing? EX: Pinkie at Sugercube Cornor, Rarity at the Boutiuqe, ect.
Thank you and keep this going!!!!
I have a question
if you evered watch tv what is your favorite tv show?
I desire some form of crossover with The Lord of the Rings in some way, somehow in some place. That wasn't too vague was it?
You had me then you lost me, but good show in the end.
(no seriously, I'm still trying to figure this one out)
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Applejack: "Hoo yeah! Ah love ta mud wrestle! We'll get that on the list, lickety split!"
Time for UnweptPegasus's comment of the day..er...episode! Well, I've already put forth my Left 4 Dead parody, and my "million bits" question still stands, so I wonder what I can suggest this time? Since Discord is changing people up, how 'bout this. Twilight (and whatever other ponies you feel like) get transformed into wittle fillies. Why? Cause I need mah adorable fillies!
But don't tell Twilight/Dusk about it. This one goes straight to Discord. *wink*
877545
Spike: "Woah, that's a lot of suggestions! I'll get them on the list! Though just to be fair, we are sorry that it takes so long to get some of these done. After all, there's been a lot of contributions, and we hate to leave anypony out. Thanks for sharing though! We'll see what we can do for you."
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Apple Bloom: "Ah think Zecora is tryin' ta get a batch of her special brew up, but a lot of ponies got caught, so it might be a while. If ya think ya can help, we'd be grateful!"
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Pinkie Pie: "Yay, more fan mail! Thanks for the letter, we're always happy to see more of them! Oh, and you're very welcome! The show is a lot of fun for us, and we're glad to see you happy!"
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Rarity: "Are you asking us right now, or do you want to put that as fan mail for the show?"
878108
Writer: "As a Contributor, you're definitely given the pick of the litter as a suggestion. I'll make sure it gets on the list, and if you really want to push for it, we'll see if we can make it work for next week. Just be sure to remind me when the messages go out next Wednesday, so that I don't forget."
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Rarity: "You want me to work with him!? Why would you ever want that!?" Whines.
Twilight: "Remember your contract, Rarity."
Rarity: "Yes yes, I know. I'll add it to the list. Thank you for your contribution. But next time, come up with a better one!"
Twilight: Glares at Rarity, "Sorry about that. Someponies don't always want to get along."
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Twilight: "You would not believe how much I agree with that! The whole episode went crazy on us! Honestly, the Writer better not do that to me again, or else!"
878613
Discord: I'm pretty sure your million bits question will be next week's fan letter. Of course, I'd love the opportunity to change the girls around a bit again! Thank you for the interesting suggestion! Muahahahahaha!" Poofs away.
878822
Applejack: "We're glad ya enjoyed the show! Be sure ta check out all six episodes, an' let us know what kinda stuff y'all wanna see next time!"
Here's a question for the cast!
Do you play any instruments? And if not, what are your favorites?
Keep up the amazing work!
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Twilight: "I'll put it in the fan mail! Thanks for your contribution, and we'll see you next time!"
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River: I know your busy but when am I going on? not that i want to rush you, I'm just anxious
878659
Yea I'm basically asking this for the fan mail segment
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Twilight: "Well, we have to find you a good time to come on, and it has to be worthwhile for the audience. If you were taking part in an act with some of the others that would look good for the show, I'm sure we could get you in during the next couple of episodes. As it is, there aren't too many requests for musical numbers, and most of those are for ponies everypony knows about. I'd like to get you in sooner, but getting your own solo might take a bit."
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Rarity: "Very well, I will put it on the list, post haste! Thank you very much for the contribution, and we are happy to see you enjoying the show!"
879172
Thanks you rock
879167
River: Oh, ok.
There, there you'll get a shot
River: *sniffs* O.k.
She emotional too...I'll get the ice cream scoop
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Rarity: "Aww, sweetie. You'll get your chance. Come on, chin up. We'll set up a group number or a contest, and you can be the first entry, okay?"
879219
She'll be ok she's asleep poor girl I'll tell you if she feels better K?
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Rarity: "Very well. I'm sorry that things have been so rough. Tell her we're going to find a spot for her, okay?"
What the hay where dead space to make it up to me make a bioshock character preferably big daddy come to the show
879296 Alright. Awww she's dreaming
Hush and Shush it will be alright...
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Twilight: "Uh, what are you asking?"
Ghost Recon: Equine Soldier! With whatever characters you see fit, but pinkie pie HAS to be the demolition expert.
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Pinkie Pie: "I've played that game before! I can totally be a demolition expert!"
Awesome work
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Fluttershy: "We're all very glad that you liked it. Thank you for coming."
881205
Yea you should have a WHOLE show where the sexes are reversed