Silver Arrow

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Living for fourteen years on a deserted island, Josh Edwards returns to society, as the head CEO of J-Corp. Realizing that crime rates have rocketed, Josh Edwards becomes the Silver Arrow!

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 10 )

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Comment posted by Sdrawkcabsitxetsiht deleted Jul 17th, 2015

Comment posted by Blondlionezel deleted Jul 17th, 2015

Comment posted by Iz Ghast deleted Jul 17th, 2015

Comment posted by Blondlionezel deleted Jul 17th, 2015

Blaze Spectrum

Blaze Spectrum #5 · Jul 17th, 2015 · 2 · · Chapter 1 ·

6214359 Well, firstly, the writing itself is rather bland. You see, there's a thing called, 'show, don't tell'. Firstly, as a disclaimer, you shouldn't 'show' all the time, mostly just in important scenes like when Josh was dealing with the thugs, since if you 'showed' for everything you would theoretically write forever. There are far better explanations than what I'm about to provide that are only a google search away, but I'll offer a quick breakdown anyways.

When you 'tell', you're more or less summarizing something about an occurence, character trait, object, etc. Writing,"He loved taking advantage of others," is telling. 'Showing', on the other hand, is like, for the lack of a better word, 'showing' the subject matter occur as if to prove it. So instead of 'telling' that he likes taking advantage of others, you can show a scene where he actually takes advantage of somebody else. I'm not entirely sure about this and would suggest that you look it up anyways.

Secondly, there's little to no explanation about why Equestria has gone to the technologically advanced state it has then, apart from your alternate universe tag. Additionally, people don't always take all that kindly to such things to begin with, I recall reading something in a review along the lines of, "Oh, and there's an Alternate Universe tag, because following canon is too hard!" I'm not really against it but I would like more explanation.

Thirdly, Josh Edwards seems rather 'overpowered' as of now, seeming like a Gary Stu right about now, holding a level of enterprise that seems like it would more be equal to what he would be like near the end of the story when he's had more experience. It doesn't help that Josh Edwards isn't a pony name either.

Finally, the story just seems rushed. In the first two hundred words or so he's more or less already being carried off the island, which is a shame because I was legitimately interested in knowing more about it, why his rescuers have such a close relationship with him, etc. Right after reading about pony trafficking, he talks to Luna and right then she's already revealing the Silver Arrow Suit to him and with a job for him. Then there's no coverage of how he manages to track down the thugs or anything. In fact, such a plot could have been expanded to a few chapters or several thousand words, or if you made the villians more competent, you could write a whole novel about it if you were capable of such.

Blondlionezel