Why Am I Talented?

by Stardom Freedom

Why Am I Talented?

Five young ponies, two Earth Ponies, two Unicorns, and one Alicorn sat down in the Ponyville gazebo.

One of the Earth Ponies, Buffy, said excitedly, "WHAT SONG DO YOU THINK VIOLA'S GONNA PLAY THIS TIME? MAYBE IT'LL BE THE MAREZART SONG AGAIN! OR MAYBE THE LUDWIG SONG! OR HOW ABOUT THAT..." Buffy was cut off my her Unicorn friend, Wordplay.

"Tsk, tsk, Buffy. You need to learn how to control this talking loudly thing of yours." he said.

Buffy blushed. "Sorry,"

The Alicorn, Pixel Wavelength, smiled. "It's okay, Buffy,"

Another Unicorn, Nova Blast, shrugged. "I agree with Buffy. What is Viola playing? She's played pretty much every song for us. Which one now?"

Viridian Meadows, an Earth Pony, nodded. "Yeah,"

After Viridian spoke, Viola, a purple Earth Pony, walked in front of them with her violin. She shushed her friends and began to play a beautiful tune. When she finished, her friends applauded her and she curtsied.

"WOW, VIOLA! WE NEVER HEARD THAT PIECE BEFORE!" Buffy exclaimed.

"That's because I wrote this one myself, Buffy," Viola said gloatingly. "Did you like it?"

"Of course we did, Viola! How in Equestria are you so talented?" Pixel inquired.

The others fell silent and nodded. "Yeah? How are you so talented?" The rest of them asked.

Viola flipped her curls out of her face. "Well, probably because I spend so much time with my idol, Octavia,"

Viridian scoffed. "Ha! Yeah, but Octavia couldn't have taught you all that. You just don't have the right koalafications!" The filly burst out laughing at her joke.

Viola rolled her eyes. "We weren't even talking about koalas,"

"So what?"

Viola rolled her eyes a second time. But she thought a bit more and thought that Viridian could be right. Not about the koala thing, but about her talent. Viola shook her head. "I have to go," She grabbed her violin and rushed to her house.

Viridian frowned. "Was it something I said?"

***

Viola plopped down on her plush bed and thought about what her friends said: why was she so talented? She sat up and grabbed her violin. To calm herself, she played a soothing tune and sang along to it.

The talent that lies within me

You see,

Nopony knows how to explain it

It's like a zit.

Am I really that talented?

Why is my music so zen?

Why are we even thinking about this?

Instead of enjoying the tune I make,

For you and me.

She sighed after singing. I just need to vent about this to somepony. she thought. And she knew just the pony. She ran out of her house and to the Octavia's house.

***

When Viola got to the small house, she knocked on the door. Octavia's roommate, Vinyl Scratch (her stage name was DJ Pon-3), answered the door.

"Hello, Vinyl. Is Octavia home?" Viola questioned.

Vinyl nodded and led Viola into the house. She pointed to Octavia, who was playing her cello.

"Thanks, Vinyl," Viola said.

Vinyl smiled as she went to her side of the room.

Octavia looked up. "Hello, there, Viola! Are you here for lessons?"

"Actually, no. I'm here to talk about something. Do you have a minute?"

"Of course I do!" Octavia put aside her cello and gestured for Viola to sit down on the couch. "You can talk about anything with me. Just let it out."

Viola nodded. "Okay. So, I was performing for my friends..." Viola told Octavia the whole problem and when finished, took a deep breath, and said, "Well, why do you think I'm talented?"

Octavia just stared at Viola, and then her eyes filled with tears. "I-it's my fault. It's all my fault!" She ran out of the house, crying.

Viola looked at Vinyl, and she shrugged. Viola then turned her head from the DJ and ran after Octavia.

***

Viola searched all over Ponyville for her idol. Eventually, she found her. Octavia was hiding in a bush, sobbing. The filly sat down beside her. "What's wrong, Octavia?"

Octavia wiped away her tears and sighed. "I never thought I would have to tell you. I thought I could keep it a secret forever. But I can't, and you deserve to know." Octavia began the story.

***

Octavia was a normal 15-year-old in tenth grade. She played the cello in Orchestra Club, and she was often teased about it, and had no friends. Rumors even went around that she was a lesbian. But, she just ignored them and moved on.

Then, the new colt came. He was really handsome. Even Octavia thought so. She grew to have a little crush on him.

One day, at lunch, she went to her usual table and pulled out her cello. She began to play it. When she was done, the new colt trotted to her.

"Killer tune! I love it! You could be a great player someday." He stuck out his hoof. "I'm Doric Disk,"

Octavia blushed as she shook Doric's hoof. "I'm Octavia Melody,"

Doric smiled. "Pretty name for an even prettier girl. Why are you sitting alone?"

"Oh, I usually sit alone. The popular ponies tease me for being in Orchestra Club, and spread rumors about me, like the one of me being a lesbian, so everypony just avoids me."

Doric frowned. "Well, that's rude. I'll sit with you."

"Out of pity?"

"No. Because you seem nice. And you're ravishing." Doric kissed Octavia's hoof.

Octavia blushed again and she began to eat. Doric kept their conversation going. They began hanging out on a regular basis, and eventually became stallionfriend and marefriend. Octavia had a feeling that they would be together forever. But that was all scratched when their parents trusted them enough to let them have a sleepover at Doric's house.

Doric and Octavia were watching movies and eating popcorn when Doric's parents, Corinthian Glimmer (his mother) and Ionic Blaze (his father), came into the room.

"We're going to a party tonight and we trust you two to be home alone," Corinthian explained.

"Have fun!" Doric called out.

When he heard them leave the house, Doric lunged for Octavia and started to kiss her. Octavia was surprised at first, but then sunk into the bliss. She added in her tongue, and Doric did after her. They broke apart when they had no more air.

"Well, well, well," Octavia smirked. "Let's not be naughty. But we can do more. It was pretty fun."

"Of course it was. You were kissing me." Doric said, kissing Octavia again.

They kissed a few more times until Octavia looked at the time. "It's midnight. We should go to bed." Octavia headed out of Doric's room, but Doric grabbed her hoof.

"You can stay with me," Doric offered.

"But I'm supposed to sleep in your sister's room,"

"I just want a few more kisses. Please?"

Octavia smiled. "Alright. But don't get too naughty."

The only problem? They got naughty.

*

A week after the sleepover, Octavia began to feel weird, so she went to the doctor.

After examining her, the doctor looked disgusted. "You're pregnant with a filly, unfortunately,"

Octavia couldn't believe it. She was pregnant. And she already knew who the father was.

*

"Doric!" Octavia hollered when she got to her stallionfriend's house.

"Yes, Octavia?" Doric said.

Octavia took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant with a filly. And you're the father."

Doric looked at Octavia and laughed in her face. "That was my plan all along. I do this all the time. And I'm moving to Baltimare to do it again. Sorry, Octavia. You're on your own."

Doric trotted off, leaving Octavia in tears.

*

Octavia had an even worse reputation in school now. Her Orchestra Club teacher had even kicked her out of the club once he learned about her pregnancy. Eventually, she dropped out of high school, much to her parents' dismay.

When she had her filly, she named her Viola. She loved Viola so much, but she knew she couldn't keep her. She went around her hometown, Ponyville, to see who would want her. Along the way, she met a white pony with a wild blue mane.

"Hello. Who are you?" Octavia questioned.

"I'm Vinyl Scratch, an aspiring DJ. You are?" the pony said energetically.

"Nice to meet you, Vinyl. I'm Octavia. Would you be interested in having a baby filly?"

"No way! I'm 15-years-old. Way too young."

"That's too bad. I'm 15 too, and got a teenage pregnancy and had Viola here."

Vinyl's smile turned into a frown. "And the colt didn't want to stay with you?"

"Didn't want to stay with me?! He said that he travels around Equestria making girls his age pregnant!"

Vinyl cringed. "That bites. Sorry. But I know a place that Viola can go to. And it's better than this cruel world."

Octavia looked at Vinyl in horror. "You're going to kill Viola?! Just because I can't keep her, doesn't mean I want her dead! She's my daughter!"

"I'm not going to kill her! Give her to me." Octavia reluctantly gave her daughter to the Unicorn, and she ran off. She came back without Viola.

"What did you do to her?" Octavia asked.

"I took her to Poniverse, a place better than here, trust me. Don't worry, she can come to Equestria whenever she wants to, so it's likely you'll see her again." Vinyl assured Octavia.

Octavia hugged Vinyl. "Thank you,"

***

"So... that's why. You get it from me. I'm your mother." Octavia finished the story for Viola.

Viola looked at Octavia in shock, and then hugged her. "Mom!"

Octavia hugged her daughter back. "Viola. I'll make it up to you, I promise! I'll take you to Mother-Daughter events, take you to school, go visit Poniverse with you, I'll even go find your father!"

"Mom, I don't need all of that," Viola sighed. "But I do want to find Dad. Do you think we will?"

"One day, hopefully," Octavia looked out to the horizon, wondering where her ex-stallionfriend was now. "One day,"

Author's Note:

And that's the end!

I'm thinking about making a sequel of Octavia and Viola finding Doric Disk, but I'll probably have to ask Poniverse about making it.

Also, I tried my best to stay within Viola's character line, so I hope it's satisfactory.

And, tell me if I should put in a "Sex" tag because of Octavia's backstory.

Anyway, good luck to everyone who enters the contest!

Comments

[PegaSeraph]

a "Sex" tag is not necessary
"You're pregnant with a filly, Foal
nice story

[Scootareader]

Doric lunged for Octavia and started to kiss him.

R63 Octavia confirmed.

[Stardom Freedom]

6244793
?

And thanks for pointing out that typo.

[GasmaskBrony]

Well, I came for the trade and I really seem to have my work cut out for me with this story.

This story has problems, lots of them, right from the very beginning, heck even your choice of title is a problem, a big one. "Why am I Talented?" comes off as sounding very egotistical, to the point where I have been mentally adding the word "so" into the title without even meaning to. I will be honest, I was unable to finish your story, calling it quits after Octavia's colt crush ran off. You story is full of more cliches than any I have ever encountered before, you've got half a dozen problem characters, characters acting out of character, both unnecessary exposition and summaries, and an overall lack of both characterization and descriptions for just about everything.

I'll start with one of the first problems I came across in your story, an alicorn, and not only that, but an alicorn OC. This is a problem, one that will almost always tell readers that you are both inexperienced and likely don't have a true grasp of your character. Alternate universe or not, alicorn original characters raise red flags and should never be used without very careful consideration and contemplation. When you make such a character they need to be an alicorn because they have not only a deep understanding of themselves, but a deep personal connection and understanding of one of the pillars of the world. Being an alicorn is not a medal to be worn or a race to be slapped with because you couldn't pick just one and it does nothing to let us know how great your character is. Upon reading your story as far as I have it really does seem like you made your character an alicorn to simply be "awesome". She isn't awesome in and of herself, but she makes "the protagonist look more awesome by the fact an alicorn is her friend and complementing her".

The second problem that needs to be fixed started with the second line of your story. You introduce four character along side you protagonist and one not only has the very annoying and disruptive feature of SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS. You should never SPEAK IN ALL CAPS as it is both amateurish and, as you hopefully just saw, is disruptive to the flow of what you are reading. If you need someone to shout, simply say that they are shouting, or add an exclamation point.

Aside from just the way Buffy talks, it is also what she is talking about. The first lines of spoken dialog in your story are about how talented and amazing your protagonist is. The conversation that follows feels unnatural as it is mostly about everyone wondering what wonderful piece their super talented friend will perform next. This is not how friends act and talk to one another, this seems far more reminiscent of how one would expect groupies or fans to behave around their idol of obsession. This is further reinforced by having her friends talk about how great her piece was and the wording on some their sentences sounding like she could do no wrong. Your story really does need to have more dialog to help build character, especially for Viola's friends, if they've heard her play before they should actually be able to critique her playing somewhat.

Before I move onto the fact your story has the oddest mix of summarizing what shouldn't be summarized and giving exposition where it shouldn't, I'm going to cover a mistake you made that is a little less obvious. You had a character sing an original song in a written medium, this is a stumbling block for a lot of people who want to have their characters sing as it is impossible, or nearly so, to translate to the reader the rhythm and mood of the song which makes the song sound disjointed and off to the reader. A good rule for writing is to not have your characters sing and when absolutely need to have them sing either have it based off a well known song or instead describe the tones of the song, the feeling it invokes in characters, drop hints to the song's significance, but not actually write out the words of the song.

Now as previously mentioned, you have a bad habit of both summarizing when you shouldn't and simply telling the reading things when you could be showing instead. For example, when you have viola start playing you simply say it is a beautiful tune, when what you should have done is spent several sentences going on about how smoothly she played, describing the texture, mood, pace, and story of the piece to make the reader feel like they are getting caught up in the music with the other listeners. This is only one of dozens of areas you need to expound on to help the reader form a clear picture of what is happening and where they are, most readers can't read your mind so you need to paint them a picture of sights, sounds, and smells to help them see your world.

On the grounds of your habit of exposition, you need to stop doing that. You repeatedly just come out and tell us things such as names of characters, which can easily be revealed in conversation, character emotions, and there inner thoughts. These need to be conveyed to the reader through small cues in the descriptive text such as body posture, where they are looking, expressions, and tone of voice. While at times it is okay to simply tell us something, it is largely agreed in the professional writing community that showing it to us is the better option most of the time.

Now for the last two things I'm going to cover your use of parentheses in the story and Octavia's characterization. On the subject of parentheses the fix is simple, don't, do not us parentheses in your stories, ever. As for Octavia, when she is depicted in the show she is shown as both brave, bold, and unflappable she would not simply break down in tears when her foal asked her a question and flee the scene. She has been teaching her foal for what is suggested to be years and would have buried such extreme emotions surrounding her long ago, when asked the rather egotistical question she could easily have explained it away. Even if she did decide to let Viola know that she is in fact her mother, she would likely have done so while completely composed, at most giving a sad little sigh before inviting her in to tell her the story.

Overall, I can't say this story is salvageable , it is simply to rife with cliches and its characters far to hollow and two dimensional. I would advise moving on and using this story as a learning experience to try and write a better one. I'm sorry to have to be so rough about it, but you will not be able to evolve and grow as a writer without somebody to tell you everything you are doing wrong and tearing your story to pieces.

[Stardom Freedom]

6274648
Thank you for the criticism. It was greatly appreciated.

But some parts of it, like the Alicorn OC and Buffy always speaking in caps; I included that because this fic was written for a contest, and they gave character descriptions, and Pixel was said to be an Alicorn, and Buffy speaks in caps occasions.

And, what bothered me is when you said you just stopped reading after Doric left. You just when straight for the comments, not even knowing what's going to happen, and if you would actually like the fic.

Again, thanks for the criticism. It was harsh, but appreciated.

[Batbrony]

Hello there, I'm here on behalf of the Poniverse Mascot Summerpalooza Contest (though you may hear from other judges besides myself)! First of all, I want to thank you very much for taking the time to write this fic and enter it into our contest. That said, the first thought that comes to mind after reading this fic is that it's very rough and very rushed. You have A LOT of story here, and I don't mean in terms of how much you wrote, I mean that you're fitting A LOT into a little. If it were lengthened, extended, further polished, the final product might've been better, but as is, too much happens in too little space. Most of the story isn't even directly about Viola, and while I'm not opposed to the idea of her being related to Octavia, the execution here just wasn't the best. That's not to say you can't continue using this character in a possible sequel as you mentioned in the author notes, it just most likely will not be Poniverse canon. Still, I encourage you to keep practicing and developing your writing skills; you seem to have some good ideas, they're just still very raw, and the trick for you will be learning how to execute them better. Thank you again for the entry and read, and best of luck with your writing; let me know if you have any questions for me!

[Stardom Freedom]

6311120
Thank you!

[Batbrony]

6311773
No problem!

[Taialin]

Full disclosure, here—I'm not a judge, just a fellow entrant who decided to review all the stories submitted to this contest.

Viola, the string instrument master, questioning her own talent? Sounds like a problem I'd like to have! Regardless, this is a story, so let's review it!

The overall concept of your story is sound. Personal insecurities are one of my favorite plotlines to write about, and an insecurity that first appears to be a strength makes it very original. I'd love to see this concept expanded upon beyond this story here. And given that the nucleus of a story is the most important element of one, that's an important step.

Unfortunately, as a reviewer of yours already mentioned, this story has some problems. Let me point out some of those that I saw.

I'm really bothered by Doric's characterization. He kind of reminds me of Team Rocket from Pokemon, in the way that he seems evil and manipulative for the sake of being evil an manipulative. Nowhere in the story do we see why exactly Doric behaves the way he does: why he's a womanizer, why he gets mares pregnant for whatever reason. The most powerful villains are those that have justification for being evil, regardless of how misguided those justifications are.

But perhaps the biggest flaw with this story is that it's paced far too quickly. I'm not sure if it's even possible to adequately cover the establishment of a relationship, betrayal, and birth using as few words as you did, regardless of how good you are with them. Relationships need time to flourish, problems need space to breathe, and characters need time to develop. This entire concept could be covered with more detail with fifty times the words, I would think. The ending, in particular, seems rushed: would Viola really accept a mother that she'd just discovered was hers not five minutes prior without reservation?

Anyhow, that's just me, and I'm not the judge, just a writer/reviewer. The concept is sound; the execution just needs a little work. Good luck in the mascot contest!

PS. Judging by the character you chose to focus on, I think you're up against me. Good luck!