OC Slamjam - Round Three
written by OC Slamjam
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6160358
Oops. Fixed.
I can now slam my jams!
Time to slam down these entries and see which one jams the most.... wow, I'm running out of ways to use this contests title cleverly.
Don't have anymore Space Jam remixes to use. Since the 4th of July is fast approaching, and because of the character-centric nature of this contest, have this instead:
Current Vote Counts (Final Day)
Updates each midnight EST.
Closest pairs underlined. Vote on those first, if you're not voting on all of them!
Vanilla Skies vs. Luster Lock
1 to 16, Luster Lock's author
Wispy Willow vs. Lilligold
3 to 13, Lilligold's author
Haystacks vs. Mango Leaf
6 to 9, Mango Leaf's author
Loud Mouth vs. Ace Artisan
4 to 10, Ace Artisan's author
Firefly vs. Mild Manners
9 to 4, Firefly's author
Ha. Here I was, all set to report no change, when I refresh and see that Admiral's swept through—tightening up Haystacks vs. Mango, even. There's very little time remaining (excepting any "Obs isn't awake yet" grace period), but that one could actually still be turned around. Either way, see you next time, folks! Here's hoping we don't lose very many more voters as we go along.
Reminder to character accounts to not inordinately explain your decisions.
6160693
Nope. If that's how you look at it, there's nothing to discuss.I changed my mind. Give me a sec. Mr. User6160544 Same goes for their real accounts, too...
Damn it, I still haven't read all the round two entries like I said I would.
Looks like I've got some work ahead of me.
6160452 Quotation box is messed up for the second to last chapter btw.
6160639
*wince*
I wasn't going to say anything...
6160817 I can be a total asshole sometimes. But an honest one.
6160817 6160844
He's not lying. I've met him.
6160425
You should've just had them make out.Well, at least we get one more story with her. :B This matchup was the one I was looking forward to most.6161009
If the contest didn't have a rule against clop, I would definitely have been able to write something.Sorry to disappoint. But I do intend to use Redwood in other stories once the contest is over and I can safely shed my anonymity. Maybe I'll write some sort of spy thriller.MC: Well it's round three of the OC Slamjam, and you could cut the tension with a knife!
CC: Indeed it is, Mike! We have a capacity crowd tonight in the Hasbro Center Arena. The place is rockin' with fic fans from all over!
MC: Let's not forget the authors, Carl. Have you ever seen a more nervous bunch of horse-word hucksters in this hacienda mas hermosa?
CC: Indeed I haven't Mike. There are more plot devices being flung around than at a forty year old brony's bache –
MC (cutting in): – Lets remember Carl, this is a family show!
CC: In the words of Dame Pinkie Pie herself, yuppers, big time, Mike.
MC: And speaking of pie, it's time for a special message from our sponsors...
6160844 Something you two have in common, it seems.
6161587 I guess you makes us three?
6161597 This is the first time I've pointed out the truth in such an uncouth manner. Saying I'm an asshole is a bit of a stretch at this point, but the future is unpredictable, so perhaps that will change.
6161624 You do realize we're all joking around here, right? Or we were in any case.
6161638 Kinda hard to get that sense without emoticons, but yeah, I get that you were. I am too.
6161624
"Perhaps"
Or you could stop acting like a fucking child.
6161660 Irony reaching critical mass...
6161735 Let's consider this over, should we? I think it's probably making voters and readers uncomfortable.
6161988
I'm disappointed that Tidy Till didn't write about the whole cast being thrown back for a wild adventure in Falcata's time.
6162089
I follow you on the other stuff, and while I won't change my vote, since I think your points are as valid as mine... that one feels a bit... meh. Honestly, Haystacks' author—for all his proficiency—didn't really do anything different than before. It's still basically a single scene, where Haystacks takes the centerpiece by a display of his insecurities. He didn't really explore anything new for the character or give us any new insight on him or Mango for that matter. I mean, it's the same comfort zone as always for his author. At least Mango got them both out of the character's comfort zones. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing at all. What Haystack's author does for his Haystacks stories works for his character... I'm just saying I don't see why you would say that's any different.
6162355
I actually thought it was clever to use Gillette. She was someone for Mango to be narrating to, so why not pick a character from a previous round?
6163718 Well, when you put it like that, if I were Haystacks' creator, I would say yes whether it was true or not. And, shouldn't your comment be in the Discussion Chapter?
6164465
>two years past 2013
>liking this chemistry more than MiniéStacks
>shooshoobedoo
6165187
It really rubs me the wrong way that we have people putting downvotes on reviews that they don't like.
6165280
Idunno, I think it's probably better than sitting there and arguing about it when it's just a subjective assessment.
6165840
Actually, I thought that the Sultan story would fit perfectly as a fable she uses to illustrate something that she believes. It's about finding beauty in the world through new experiences. The fact that she would have "experiencing new things" as a core part of her character isn't explicitly stated on the sheet, but it's absolutely correct.
On that note... I'm thinking of using this account to criticize Quick Study's entry. That would be cool, right?
6166074
Can't really argue words straight from the horse's mouth, I suppose! I stand by the opinion that the sultan story didn't read naturally, though. Maybe it was less that I didn't think Summer would tell the story and more that it didn't sound much like dialogue period. I think Summer's voice just needed to be better defined in Quick's story.
Depending on what you mean by "criticize," I don't see a huge issue with you commenting on Quick Study's story here.
6166176
Well.
I said that the moral of the story rings true for something that Summer would believe and live by. I also like Summer's last few lines where she says that she understands how good a friendship like Cliff and Quick is. Summer's nice side came out in my (unopposed) first round entry, and Quick Study seems to have noticed.
But I also agree with everyone who says that Quick Study made some mistakes with Summer Heat. She came to say hi to two ponies who were sitting at a table instead of having fun; she only had a few lines with which to establish a voice; she wanted to be neighborly instead of--as Burraku put it in round 2--"suave."
My main dislike with this story is just, plain and simple, the handling of language that you and
BurrakuCatalyst observed. One thing that most people wouldn't notice is that some of the description, particularly the "graceful and powerful," line, is just paraphrasing from the compendium.I'm surprised nobody has pointed out that Summer was more of a secondary character compared to Cliffhanger. I wouldn't knock too many points off for that myself if Summer had made herself extra-distinctive with her screentime... but the fact that Cliffhanger is the other main character seems clear to me.
These are just the honest comments I would have given if I was voting and I wasn't, you know, me. Even while plainly showing everyone that I have a conflict of interest, I still feel like I'm being too eager to try to convince people. Maybe I'll trim or delete this conment...
6165051
That actually surprises me to hear, because that gives him the same gender and race as Rachis. In the bio, it was like you'd gone to a lot of trouble to make it clear how unique Rachis was for caring so much about/being so talented with pegasus wings—and the statement that he and his partner have a side business for pegasi made it sound like Gilette was involved with that.
6166328
I think you would be fine to say these kinds of things on your own account, assuming you're not one of the folks that generally says very, very little. It seems that I mentioned a good many of the things you cottoned on to here, so as far as anyone knows, you might as well be me.
And I want to weigh in on Argon's point about the fable, because it bothered me as well. The issue for me is that it did come off as just a fable—the perspective of it, with things like how she knew what the sultan had felt when he awoke despite (I assume) not being present, gave me vibes of an omniscient narrator. Despite that, she placed herself into the story, saying that she did this or that. So it sounded like it was supposed to be a story from her life (which would definitely have been appropriate for the character), but it came off more like a fairy tale—which would have been fine if that had been the context of it, like if she were sharing a story she'd heard while in Saddle Arabia rather than a personal experience. Like Argon said, the presentation as is felt very unnatural.
One more thing for me to say, before I forget:
Mango Leaf, I am deeply sorry for underestimating you! Your story this round hits on all kinds of things that make for a strong contender. Consider me humbled.
6166999 Much more more stronger. More.
6165809 Don't even know what to say about Tidy Till's.
6166001 I don't know man, blatantly stating your identity like that, then jumping in to also explain why Falcata's story is not great is... I'm struggling for the right word.
6166834
So, I'm confused. Are you saying that it did work or that it didn't, because from your second sentence there, it reads to me like it did add something important to the story.
6164465
I always called it "Hayballs" in my head.
6166811
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/ba/75/c8/ba75c8239cc0d4d66e2250a366b2c5ba.jpg
Reason's got nothing to do with it.
6167020
Yeah, that part of my review wasn't too clear (probably b/c I didn't pick up on the family part until after my second read through the stories). The actual story that gets framed (in terms of showing how the characters' lives diverged after training) was fine. I meant the structure of the story (scenes from the past interrupted by narration from Mango in the present) in mechanical terms was weak. A lot of the relationship building between the two gets told in the narration rather than shown. Many of the flashback scenes do get the showing vs telling balance right, but the entry could have been stronger had the author focused on one or two larger scenes rather than a series of small vignettes.
6164601 Well that makes sense. My internal clock is two years slow, after all.
6166437 No, it was Gillette as the senior partner running the stallions' grooming business, with just Rachis doing preening on the side. I never said that, though, so what it turned into is just fine. But if Obvious Question had written a different story and I had ever been so... mundane as to write about Rachis at work with nothing weird going on, that's how I'd have done it.
6166451 I'd be lying if I agreed with the decision on the author's part to include that fable, but I could see Summer either exaggerating an experience of her own to make a point or inserting herself into a fable just because, but Summer's author might disagree with me.
6167065 Gotcha, thanks for clarifying that one!
6166688 It reminds me of Foxglove in Round 1, actually. Though I think Ace did it better.
(Aurora's traditional impulsive response) I noticed that part, and it was done right, but I didn't get the impression that it was about his race and its effect on his career, which I thought was the big part of his conflict. Of course, the subtle implication that his race is also affecting his social life does go wonderfully toward making him miserable.
I don't even remember who I voted for in this round. I'd be happy with either one.
6166386 I knew I had seen that somewhere in this contest before. I love this contest so much. Isn't it fun to see what your opponent did with your character?
6167122 i.imgur.com/FQ9W8Pv.jpg?1
6167861
this this this this