Haystacks vs. Mango Leaf - Winner: Mango Leaf (by Vote)
Haystacks vs. Mango Leaf - by Haystacks' Author
Haystacks pressed on through the warm night. The skitter of the occasional flagstone on his hoof was enough to mark the way forward, though he could see plenty well enough on such a moonlit evening.
Should he run? Excited was never a Haystacks kind of feeling, but it simmered like fruit moonshine in his stomach, sweet and bubbly and delicious. And nopony around here could brew it like Mango Leaf.
The mere idea of some of Mango's homebrew gave him a queer burning feeling in the back of his throat, and a sweet twinge to the back of his mouth.
No; walking would do. But trotting a little faster couldn't hurt. There was no reason to keep good company waiting any longer than was necessary, he thought. And besides, it hardly went without saying that he'd been looking forward to this evening for quite a while. Mango Leaf had been a phantasm in his life for what felt like months.
Or was it seasons by now?
The thought dogged him as he passed by the lit windows of the last row of houses in the village, the gold of their fire-lights and candles throwing shadows onto the road. His mind wove lazy beelines around the last year as he tried to remember what had been.
His birthday was the nearer side of winter. And his twenty-second birthday had been only a little while after he'd seen Mango Leaf – yes, he remembered now. Just before it got a bit too chilly for the apple trees to bear any fruit. Even then, Mango had complained bitterly about how mild winter was down here.
He took a deep breath, filling his lungs with a clear summer's night.
He was twenty-three now. That would mean he hadn't seen Mango in little over a year and a bit. And that simply made no sense. How could it ever? It felt like only yesterday that he had found himself curled up adjacent to the fire and Mango, drink in hoof, talking about life, ponies, and everything in between. Whateverso fell into his mind.
Thirteen or fourteen months, perhaps. That was long enough to go without seeing anypony just once.
The line between friend and acquaintance had blurred over the last year, but Mango was a good friend - that much was clear. And barring the reporter mare who had come to the carnival with him, he hadn't really had the heart to call somepony else a good friend in a while. In truth, he hadn't really allowed himself to get to know somepony, or in Mango Leaf's Case, to get to know him all over again.
Haystacks wondered briefly if Mango had changed. It lingered longer than he would have liked, and some small wisp of emotion stirred within him. It vanished just as quickly as he became aware of his surroundings, and he glanced up.
Barring a few lonely abodes behind him, the village had finally given way to the fertile fields that surrounded the town, most of them still not quite ready for harvest, and some fallow altogether. Those that were not waved at him as the wind swept silvery ripples across their moonlit surfaces.
Haystacks cast a cursory glance around, and the distant glimmer of the campfire caught his eye. He made a path for it.
The point where the paved stone of the township dwindled to the sprawling miles of dusty country roads was where he knew his friend would be. Despite repeated offers, Mango never chose to stay at the farm or in town. Perhaps he was more comfortable when he could see the sky. But then, that was Mango in a nutshell. Always stargazing.
As he came nearer the fire, he could make out the familiar blue wagon silhouetted against the flame, just next to the sign that marked the crossroads out to Sweet Apple Acres. It seemed like this time, Mango Leaf had been more careful about where he'd camped out.
Haystacks smiled to himself. He'd been a little curious about where the unicorn might choose to park his cart this year – and in particular, whether or not it would be on top of somepony's prize flower garden.
He took a fond moment to remember. Lily had caused such a fuss. The rhododendrons were still delicious, though, and in fairness to Mango, the patch didn't have a fence around it. He had even tried to make amends, albiet by making a rhododendron-flavoured snowcone out of some of the flowers and offering them back to her.
A smirk flitted its way across his lips. Perhaps, all things considered, it was better that he was farther out of town.
As he approached the camp proper, he took the location in. A nice, flat piece of earth just off the road, underneath a few sycamore trees. He could smell the woodsmoke of the fire now, mixed with the pleasantly familiar scent of mango chutney and vegetables. One lone figure lay prostrated by the fire, looking for all the world like the shaggy, mop-headed unicorn he fondly remembered.
“Nice place you got here,” he observed.
The figure by the fire jumped, and clambered to its hooves a little too quickly. It spun around, staring into the darkness. From the glow of the fire, Haystacks could faintly make out Mango Leaf's face, hidden amongst his thick, braided mane of mandarin and orange.
“Did ya finally decide to show up?!” he replied, his voice brashful and melodious. “Haikili save me, cousin, you like to take your sweet time, huh!?”
They took a few cantering steps forward each, meeting close enough to the light that their faces were clear to the other. He'd grown a beard since they last met, Haystacks observed. An uneasy smile spread its way across his face.
“Mango,” Haystacks murmured, proffering him a hoof.
Mango blinked. He stared at the hoof, and back. The mirth in Haystacks' chest began to spread up and away from his stomach, and now it was at the corners of his cheeks, threatening to burst. He felt like he might, and the thought didn't worry him one bit.
Mango Leaf's response, however, was a forlorn scowl.
“Haystacks,” he said, desiccating his words. “Hay-stacks. Do you mind explaining to me what in the hay is that supposed to be?” he jabbed his hoof at Haystacks' own.
The farmpony looked down at his hoof, up at Mango, and down again. Whatever smile had been there before slipped off his face like it was roped to an anchor.
“...What?” Haystacks recoiled, retracting his hoof a slight. “What do you mean, what, I –”
“Cousins don't shake hooves,” Mango Leaf replied firmly. “They hug." his voice softened. "Now come here, you big lump.”
And before Haystacks could think, the Haywaaiin took a half-step forward, reached out, and put a foreleg around his neck, pulling him into an embrace.
After a few seconds of shock, he raised his own foreleg and hugged him back tightly.
“...You missed me, then?” jibed Mango Leaf, into his left ear.
He'd often thought about how to reply to a question like that. The scene that unfolded before him was one that sometimes drifted through his mind after the evening's work was done, during those precious twilight hours where the small ponies seemed to do their best thinking.
Strange, then, that he could give no reply that felt tough or strong.
“Of course I did,” he said.
The hoof around the upper part of his back tightened sharply. For a brief second, the gentle snaps of the fire and the distant blare of cicadas was all there was to hear.
“Me too, bud.”
They separated to a hoof's length. Haystacks continued to regard the unicorn with a mixture of caution and amusement, but he couldn't help the delight that etched its way into his features.
“You... surprised me a bit, there,” he mumbled.
“Why?” The unicorn grinned foolishly, and the duo broke apart. “What, did think I'd changed horribly or something?”
“Well, so long as we're being honest with each-other, then yes.” Haystacks replied.
“And likewise, cousin. I thought you might be the one who'd changed, huh?" Mango Leaf said. "Good thing that didn't happen. You're still the ugliest son of a hydra I've ever had the chance of meeting." He turned and trotted to the fireside, leaving Haystacks to snort amusedly to himself. A wreath of emerald magic took hold of a large pot that hung just above the fireplace, removing its lid to stir slightly.
"I'm glad you're here," the unicorn added, his voice taking a fond tone as he worked.
Haystacks smiled. Spices that he hadn't thought he'd ever smell again made his mouth water.
“I wouldn't trade anything for it. Not for the world,” he replied. “I just had some work to do first.”
Now it was Mango Leaf's turn to nicker breathily. “Hah! Just like you. Keep an old friend waiting for your job? What are you, married to it?” He beckoned Haystacks over. “Come sit, so I can hear all about it. My legs are killing me.”
The earth pony took a few strides, bring himself forward to the fireside. In the light, he felt and looked less pale, less the pallid shade of dry grass and more the colour of his namesake. Warmth seeped into his hooves from the dusty earth. Whatever nerves that had dogged him vanished into the night, and as Mango Leaf placed another log on the fire, he forgot ever having had any worries at all.
“I'll trade you,” Haystacks said. “Fill me a glass of that drink you make, and we'll talk.”
Okolehao. That was what he called it. Equestrian Okolehao, 'mixed with mango juice so it didn't knock you out and send you home, cousin'. That was fine by Haystacks. The last thing he wanted to do was to fall asleep in a field next to his friend and that warm fire.
At least, that was the initial thought.
“To us again! Ōkole maluna!” Mango said cheerfully, his voice slightly slurred.
“Cheers,” he replied.
The liqueur sloshed greedily from the two tankards as they clicked together for what must have been the fourth or fifth time. Haystacks raised it to his lips and allowed the golden, fruity mixture to flow down his throat, savouring every drop.
It went nicely with the stew, a hearty mixture of rice and fresh vegetables with a mango chutney. Mango insisted he was no good with anything hot – still, after all this time, Haystacks said – but that was all fine. He helped with the cooking, and together, they made something that was more than half-edible.
The tankard was a third empty before he put it down. He continued his story as a fresh buzz of alcohol zipped its way into his stomach.
“...So I'm out in the field, with nothing on me, right? And so I had to get the damn thing unstuck, fix it, while it's raining, and I'm knee-deep in mud, and of course, as soon as I get the plough fixed again, poof.” He swept his free hoof in a fanning gesture. “Sun comes out. Beautiful weather. And here I am caked in mud and Celestia knows what else. And that's when the carriage of tourists rolls by.”
The noise Mango Leaf made was somewhere between a leaky gas pipe and a rusty axle. The tears rolling from his eyes stained his yellow coat a shade darker as he doubled over in laughter that looked almost painful.
Haystacks waited until it subsided, feeling his cheeks ache through his own barely-controlled grin, until the noise of Mango Leaf's occasional hiccuping laughs fell quiet, and nature resumed its dominance of the realms of sound and sight. He felt his head draw itself high to the heavens above, though whether the urge to do so came from the alcohol or the weariness that eked at his bones, he couldn't say.
“...I've missed this,” he whispered, barely audible above the crickets.
And there it was. More than a statement of how pleasant it was to see Mango, it tapped into that strange other, that unspoken-of area that had plagued his mind – how nice it was to not be alone for a while.
He mused about adding more to that particular thought, but decided against it. He was never so good with describing his feelings. They sat best, and most comfortably, under wraps.
“S'been a while since, huh?” Mango replied.
Haystacks blinked. The stars looked clearer tonight.
“Yeah,” he replied. “Haven't seen you in ages.”
He heard the scraping of a spoon against a bowl as somepony scooped the last of their frozen yoghurt from a wooden bowl.
“That's...” there was a pause as Mango ate more of his dessert. “'At's not what eye meen.”
Haystacks dropped his gaze. The golden pony continued to tuck into his bowl, speaking almost absent-mindedly.
“Well, what do you mean?” the farmer replied, shifting his body against the woollen rug that lay between him and the earth.
“Eye meen,” Mango said, before swallowing, “That you don't get out much.”
Haystacks nickered indignantly, but made no reply. There was nothing about Mango's attitude, laissez-faire as it was, that showed any sign of a joke. He even went so far as to size Mango Leaf up, only to find that Mango Leaf was looking at him the same way.
“And how do you figure?” he finally conceded.
Mango's head tilted, his lips locked into a contended smirk.
“I mean that the farm is all you do,” he replied.
Haystacks fell silent, watching the fire burn until the absence of a reply began to eat away at him.
“It's just work. Work is something I have to do, and that's all,” he said, taking another sip of his drink.
“So you don't like it?” came the reply.
He had to think about that one.
“I do.”
That was honest enough. The farm was one of the few things he had in this world. How could he not love it?
There was a pause.
“...When was the last time you did something like this, Hay?” Mango quipped.
Haystacks didn't have to think to give him an answer.
“I told you about the reporter mare, right?” he said. “We went to the carnival together?”
“Yeah." Mango wiped his mouth and grinned. "But was that the only time you've gotten out and about? Blown the cobwebs out, so to speak?”
Haystacks frowned.
“In how long?”
Another pause. It only took a fraction of a second for the farmer to realise that he'd said more than he'd intended to.
“Uh, I mean...” he picked his words carefully. “Technically, yes. The 'only' time.”
“And do you remember the last time before that?”
Haystacks turned his head away, gazing over the fire and into the darkness.
“It was here,” he replied. “With you.”
“So twice in a year,” Mango said flatly.
“And there was that one time I went down to the tavern and stayed a while.”
“Three times,” he repeated. "And ya folks work there. That's cheating."
“Well, I... I'm sure I'm just not remembering some of them.” he nickered, lowering his hat onto his brow a bit more. “What's your point?”
“My point is, cousin,” Mango Leaf began. Haystacks heard a shuffling, and glanced up to see that Mango was moving his things around the edge of the fire. A small mat rolled itself out beside him, and Mango Leaf lay beside him, facing the fire. They were almost touching shoulders.
“My point is... other then that, all you've done is talk about work. That's fine and all, but... do you feel like that it's all you do, though?” Mango replied. “Don't you think you're a bit... well, lifeless?”
It wasn't really an admission he had ever made to himself. Work had always kept him busy; but that was the beauty of it. Where there was work, there was never much time to do much else. Including think.
“I don't know,” he replied. For some reason, Mango was hard to look at, even though he was only a hooflength to his left. “I just do what I think is right. I don't even think about it much. I just know I have to work hard.”
A silence fell between them. The fire snapped happily, long since having been reduced to a few small branches and coals.
“I wasn't being rude, or anything, cousin.” he sounded concerned. “Maopopo I a'u. I know what you mean. You told me about you having to run the farm on your own. I was just saying that I thought you'd changed, that was all.”
A small coal, seperated from the rest of the fire by a small plain of ash, caught Haystacks' eye. It sat alone, glowing gently.
Mango Leaf would be the only pony who had really seen him before and after his life had taken a turn for the adult. He was the only pony that had snapshots of Haystacks, that went as far back as he himself could remember.
A burning sensation crept into his stomach.
“I mean, have you ever considered that you might not want to be a farmer, Hay?”
He didn't reply. He couldn't.
He wouldn't.
“...Is this about your Momma, Hay?”
A full-body shiver caught Haystacks unawares. While it was easily hidden beneath the rug draped around his shoulders, the shaking breath that accompanied it was, regrettably, left bare to the campsite and its two inhabitants, and the whole night sky.
The tankard, just short of his right hoof, never looked so appealing. He seized it, and took another drink.
It was just the alcohol, he thought. Some Haywaain plant or herb that Mango had brought with him from the far side of Equestria. Surely it was just a side effect. The tears weren't meant to be. He was a strong pony, his father's pony, the farmer.
They burned all the way down.
Nothing ever really needed to be said between them. That was the best part. Whole volumes were spoken in the slow seconds of life that washed away as they sat, watching the fire burn for just a little longer. Catharsis. There was no rush, and nothing more important than each other.
But all good things had to come to an end sometime.
“Do you remember when we first ran into eachother?” Mango said.
Haystacks nodded, though he was not able to bring his gaze to bear on the unicorn.
He had just been given frozen yoghurt from Mango. The first time was always free, Mango said. It had always seemed bizarre how much attention the cart had gotten from the villageponies, so Haystacks accepted. One bite, and he saw why.
“I was gettin' angry at the flower mare,” Mango continued.
“...Lily?” the farmpony murmured.
Mango shivered audibly at the name.
“'Ae, that nag. Terrible temper... but she has a great butt.”
Haystacks snorted with a mixture of shock and laughter. The exertion felt good, an outlet for the pressure in his chest.
“S-she was paying you out about the flower snowcone, as I recall,” he said. “The one you made from her ruined flower garden.”
Mango Leaf nickered angrily. “But the snowcone was a great idea!”
“Time and place, surely?...” Haystacks murmured.
“No.” The unicorn paused for emphasis. “That's just it, Haystacks. That's just it.”
He felt a warmth on his shoulder, and looked over to find a hoof there. He looked up.
Haystacks could never recall Mango looking so intense, so serious in all his life.
“That's the whole point,” Mango said. “Don't you see? You can't compromise on what you feel like you have to do, cousin.” He gave Haystacks a wan smile. “You can't, not even for a second. And in the long run, if you can't meet your dreams halfway, then how are you ever going to be happy?”
Haystacks bowed his head. The shadow of the hat shaded his cheeks from the heat of the campfire.
“When you...” he sniffed, and wiped away the damp at the corner of his eye. “When you have people who rely on you, things change. It all changes.”
“That's true. But I don't think, even then, that your parents would want you to have anything less then they have. That they would want you to give up on your own dreams. That's why they worked so hard in the first place, right?”
The farmpony blinked, mulling the thought over.
It seemed... right. It made sense. He had never told his parents about Minie Ball's offer, and he had never been able to work out why. Had he thought they would be angry for passing up on the chance to leave? To sell his business and just go somewhere, like Mango?
“Life throws adversity at you.” Mango continued. “But you have to find a way to carry on regardless. I spent too long trying to do things that everyone wanted me to do. Luau and firebreathing and swimming and canoeing, and sweet sun-princess knows what else. And in the end, all I wanted to do in life was just simple. I just wanted to share frozen yoghurt, what I liked the most, with everyone. Sure, it didn't stick too well with my folks at first, but at the end of the day, that's what made me happy, and they helped me with that." Mango Leaf paused a moment. "I didn't compromise on what made me happy. And you shouldn't either."
Haystacks couldn't help but chuckle, just a little. The logic, while classically Mango Leaf, was bizarrely sound. And despite the uncertainty in his heart, the thought of Mango persevering stayed with him, and the more un-knotted his stomach began to feel.
“How, though?” Haystacks said. “I've got so much to do right now, it's just –” He sighed. His shoulders felt heavy. “So much to do.”
Mango Leaf clucked his tongue. “I don't know how, cousin. I'm just a simple fro-yo vendor. But don't worry. If we think about it together, and walk the same road, then I'm sure we'll make some sense out of it. But you promise you'll chase your dreams, right?” He shoved Haystacks lightly. “No matter what happens.”
Haystacks nodded gamely, and dragged the back of his hoof across both of his eyes. The smile slipped unbidden onto his cheeks.
“Whatever they might be,” he said. “I promise.”
Mango Leaf vs. Haystacks - by Mango Leaf's Author
Gillette's wings flexed, stretching out as they reached the top of the overlook. She had to admit that she would've much preferred wing to hoof out here in the country, especially in her condition. But, Mango had been right; southern Equestria certainly was a different place from Canterlot.
The humidity, the way ponies spoke, how the days seemed so much longer and more relaxed… it’d been a wonderful vacation so far.
"There," Mango piped up, pointing a hoof at a distant farmhouse far down the other side of the hill. "That's where we're going." He gave her a slightly worried look. "How are you holding, love?"
She snorted, rubbing her belly and feeling a soft kick. "I'm fine, is that it? That little farm?" Gillette asked, popping her knees in anticipation as she glanced between the fields and Mango. "I know that you've traveled all over, but how'd you even meet a pony way down here? Were you selling froyo door-to-door or something?" She looked at the acres upon acres of cropland. She certainly couldn't imagine the margins would be very high out here in the podunks of Equestria.
Mango just chuckled, giving her a loving peck on the cheek. "Nah, I've known him for almost as long as you've known Rachis." He smiled, eyes focused on something far away—and apparently invisible as Gillette followed his gaze. "He changed my life. And I think, in some small way, I changed his too."
It all started when the Princesses decided that they needed to reform the reserve guard, just in case one of Equestria's old enemies was somehow resurrected and decided to, y’know, eradicate everypony and the regular guard was not enough. Remember how some ponies received their summons? Well, I got one. I wasn't thrilled, but as you can imagine, I took the punches with as much dignity as I could and rolled with it.
"Get your hooves off of me!" Mango Leaf shouted as he was hauled into the barracks and dumped in front of a group of similarly shorn, washed and uniformed rookies. Mango immediately whirled about, trying to flee, but the two guards that had brought him in glared him down.
"You're staying here until your training is complete!" the pegasus guard, twice the size of Mango, growled. "Do not even attempt to flee. The Drill Sergeant will be here soon."
Mango had barely a moment to open his mouth to complain before his duffle bag was heaved at him.
It didn't take long for another pony to show up, just as they had said. When I looked at him, I knew this had to be the commanding officer.
He was big and strong, standing proud at the door, looking at all of us as we each tried to stand taller in his presence. He had a buzz cut where a blond mane used to be going by the tail, as well as a wheat-colored coat visible under his uniform. He had a very intense look and carried himself with a dignity that demanded a pony follow him into battle, for glory and honor.
Of course reality had other ideas.
"Out of the way, ya filthy sun-scrubbed maggot!" a voice called from behind the stallion at the door. "What do you think you are? A curtain?"
The rookie was pushed out of the way by a short, muscular to the point of absurdity, grey-coated minotaur in uniform and a campaign hat.
He glared at the room and stomped his hoof on the floor, making it crack. "Atteeeen-hut!"
Every pony in the barrack lined up for the shorter creature, who started pacing in front of them.
"Listen up, maggots! I am Drill Sergeant Iron Hammer! I am here to turn you from the good-fer-nothin' bits of masticated barley that you are, into proper! Strong! Loyal! And capable guards!"
Turns out the guy at the door was just another rookie by the name of Haystacks, which would have been obvious if I had taken a second glance at his uniform. But Iron Hammer was a minotaur with a vision: a vision of pain… of anger and fury… and of boot camp being a Dantesque torture risen from Tartarus itself
"You call that a gallop?!" Iron Hammer roared as Mango tried and failed to run a second loop around the courtyard at any speed higher than a wheezing, dragging half-canter while his limbs scraped along the dusty ground.
"No, Sir!" Mango gasped. "I call it 'not being made for this,’ Sir!"
"Do not take that attitude with a superior officer, maggotbait! I don't care what you think you're made of! I will rip you apart atom by atom and rebuild you into a fighting machine so help me, Celestia!" Iron Hammer's face went red as he shouted, "I will make a soldier of you, rookie!" Iron Hammer growled, pointing at Haystacks. "You should follow his example, he knows to follow orders!"
Mango didn't care as his legs finally gave out, rolling onto his back and stretching, accidentally sticking a hoof in the way of Haystacks, who by now was on his third loop.
This had the misfortune of tripping him, and sending the large stallion to crash straight onto the ranting minotaur.
At least it shut him up for a bit.
Iron Hammer wasn’t happy with either of us, although I fully admit it was my fault. And who could blame me? I wasn’t made for half-hour sprints!
Anyways, he decided to punish us in the traditional manner: cleaning the restrooms with our toothbrushes.
"I'm telling you, buddy," Mango sighed, leaning against the door as his magic forced the toothbrush back and forth against a particularly resilient stain a few feet away. "There are so very few things you can't mix with froyo that don't taste delicious, you'd be surprised."
Haystacks rolled his eyes, dropping the toothbrush from his mouth to indulge the unicorn. "You don't say?"
And then, for no good reason, just because I’d “done something,” Iron Hammer would crack down on us again!
"Yep! You can start with the regular flavors, you know? Kiwi, banana, strawberry, blueberry..."
We’d have to do push-ups in the rain...
"...mango—of course—, dragon fruit, mamey, apples, cherymoya, chayote, duku..."
...sweep the courtyard during lunch...
"...jicama, sweet potatoes, lime shavings..." Mango paused, and Haystacks' ears twitched. "Orange peals..."
Haystacks' shoulders slumped and he resumed sweeping.
...stand outside all night to “secure the flag.”
Beet root, cardamom, zap apple..." Mango pondered for a moment, glancing over at Haystacks. "...and popcorn," Mango finally said before a silence stretched between the pair.
Haystacks' eyebrows rose when the silence lasted past thirty seconds and he looked to his fellow flag-watcher.
"Popcorn?" he asked, genuinely intrigued. "In froyo?"
Mango Leaf nodded. "An unusual flavor to be sure, but once the butter freezes and you eat it with yogurt, it's a bit like the food they eat in the minotaur lands. Salty and savoury twists for froyo. I'm telling you, my friend: the possibilities are endless."
Haystacks nodded, conceding the point. "I thought so too. I'm surprised you managed to list all the possible ingredients."
Mango barked out a laugh. "Nah, I didn't want to bore you with an excessively long list, you would have lost interest real quick." He sighed. "At least, getting to know... you…” He paused a moment as if asking, but before Haystacks could respond, he continued, “Anyways, I've started to hate this place less. I don't know about you, but I hate being stuck in one place. I can't wait to get out of here."
This time it was Haystacks' eyebrow that twitched.
Both of them snapped to attention, looking up at the flag as Iron Hammer marched his way up to them, and stopped, glaring at them for a moment, before snorting and walking away. The pair relaxed after a few minutes.
"No, but seriously," Mango Leaf said sincerely, "What's your name?"
Haystacks and I were inseparable from then on, given that we were assigned as battle-buddies. We were both held accountable for whatever the other messed up, no matter how uninvolved either party was.
"I'm really, really sorry, Haystacks," Mango said, looking at the roof from his mattress on the floor right next to Haystacks’, also on the floor. "I really didn't expect to be caught with Recoil Effect under the bed frame."
Haystacks was quiet for a moment. Mango could see his ears twitch, silhouette shifting as he gave a ponderous raise and lowering of a hoof.
"Mango. You know it's against the rules for mares and stallions to be in each other’s sleeping quarters," the earth pony said with his slow, deep voice. "Why would you risk that?"
Mango shrugged. "I don't know. I’m just... I'm not made for this, and... I don't want to waste an opportunity to meet somepony special, you know? Life is about taking risks, after all. If I just let chance pass me by, I'm going to be stuck in the same place forever."
Haystacks took a deep breath and let it out slowly, turning to look at Mango, barely visible in the darkness. "Rushing into things like that don't work all the time either, Mango. Sometimes ponies need to slow down and carefully consider the future and those that depend on us."
Mango sighed, hitting the mattress with his hoof, although he wasn't frustrated or upset. "Have you ever... you know, loved somepony?"
The silence stretched for so long that Mango thought for a moment that Haystacks had fallen asleep. But, just as he was about to also drift off, he heard his friend say one name:
"Minié Ball."
Haystacks didn't talk much about his ex. To be fair, I gathered it had not ended well.
Although when he showed me her picture... I'm not sure what he did wrong, but by looks alone... it was his loss.
Ouch! What was that for? It's true!
Anyway, our first week was mostly harmless shenanigans and draconian reprisals. It didn't really get better the second week, but Iron Hammer was mostly done punishing us and more interested in getting us to be "real soldiers".
"Do I make myself clear?!"
"SIR! YES SIR!"
"Mango Leaf! What did you mutter there, you sorry excuse for a fermented tropical fruit?"
"NOTHING SIR! I DID NOT MUTTER ANYTHING AT ALL!"
"Are you playing with me, Mango?!" Iron Hammer roared, standing eye to eye with Mango Leaf. "I saw your mouth move! I want to see it move again, repeating whatever imbecilic utterance at an audible level! Let all the good fillies and colts hear!"
"I MUTTERED NOTHING, SIR! NOTHING WILL MAKE ME MORE PROUD THAN TO BE A SOLDIER, SIR!"
Iron Hammer glared at Mango Leaf before turning his glare to Haystacks.
"Haystacks! Step forward and face Mango Leaf!"
Haystacks followed the order dutifully, stepping forth and turning to face his friend.
"Mango! Tell Haystacks you didn't say anything at all. Each time you lie, Haystacks will do one hundred push-ups!"
Mango's eyes widened, and he looked at his battle-buddy in shock. Haystacks, although externally calm, had a certain pleading glint to his eyes and it was clear that his body was already tensed in anticipation of the punishment.
"Mango Leaf!" Iron Hammer called again. "I thought you hadn't said anything! Why are you hesitating?"
I knew that if I admitted to saying "I'd rather sell froyo to fire elementals" there would be Tartarus to pay. In a split second, looking at those begging blue eyes, I knew what I had to do. There was no other way to deal with the situation, and with the trust Haystacks and I had built... it was no question really.
"I SAID NOTHING, SIR!"
Iron Hammer asked me three more times before he gave up. I apologized to Haystacks every day for the whole week, and although he made it seem like it was nothing, I know—deep down—he was glad to take one for the team.
"Mango Leaf!"
"Sir!"
"Did you just freeze the General's dinner?!"
"Sir! Yes Sir!"
"Why?!"
"Sir! It’ll taste better cold, sir!"
It wasn't much later that we had a chance to talk freely in the mess hall when we were put on late night cleanup duty once more. But, oddly enough, it wasn't until then that I really got to understand Haystacks. It all started with a question.
"Why did you leave Hoofululu?"
"I-What?" Mango stopped moping and looked over the kitchen counter at Haystacks, who was busy wiping the tables. "Why do you ask?"
Haystacks shrugged, moving efficiently from one table to the next, focusing on his work, but still relaxed enough to talk. "It's been bothering me, is all," he said. "We're a long way from your home. Your family, parents... friends... I just don't get how you can be so happy so far away from them."
Mango Leaf frowned. "Well, I wanted to start my own business, you know? Sell froyo. See the world." He leaned against the mop and looked at his friend. "Don't tell me you've never wanted to escape the farm? Maybe elope with Minié, see the big cities, visit Hoofululu, Canterlot, Baltimare..."
Haystacks snorted and shook his head, although constant hanging around his friend had given Mango some insight into his body language, which was at times more expressive than any words the stallion might use.
His wiping continued, but the strength from before was gone, making it a light sweep rather than a cleansing wipe as he had done with the other tables. His shoulders sagged a little bit, not too much, but enough to draw attention to those that knew what to look for, and his head lowered while his eyes grew distant.
"Haystacks? You okay, buddy?"
"It don't matter," Haystacks finally answered. "I've thought about it, but the farm's my home. My father and mother left it in my hooves and I owe it to them to keep it afloat. Ain’t no mare or no pony gonna change that."
Mango kept mopping the floor in silence for a few moments. "Did they, I mean are they—"
"No," Haystacks shook his head. "They recently left for the city. My dad’s taking care of the farm with help from some neighbors and going down again to take care of my mother while I'm here." He paused and looked over at Mango. "That's why I ask. I'm surprised you left your parents behind."
Mango nodded, having finished the kitchen floor and moving out to the lunch floor, moving through the area Haystacks had already finished. "My parents hated the cold. They moved to Haywaii to avoid it. But I love it. It was my dream to do this stuff and staying there would have..." He sighed, resting his forehead on the mop's wooden handle. "I guess they're confused as to whether they should be proud of me or terrified for my future. But they wouldn't have stopped me either way, what they wanted for me was my happiness and this travelling around and selling froyo is the life I chose. I think they respect that."
Haystacks shrugged. "I don't know if I’d have it in me to ignore my father's wishes," he said, slowly starting to wipe the tables again with a bit more pressure. "And I don't know if I’d want to. My mother and father lived their whole lives there, and I've lived there my whole life too..."
I guess by then some of Haystacks’ calmer personality had rubbed off on me and I gave it some thought.
To him, there were many excuses to stay home. His roots were just stronger than mine, and he honestly loved the farm. It made more sense to not let a good thing die than to hope the new thing might work. He loved his parents and was afraid of losing them.
It was cowardly in some ways, naive in others, and finally noble in a way I simply couldn't be and that probably was killing his mother as much as whatever it was that had landed her in the hospital. But I hoped dearly he would eventually burst out and do something with his life.
We finished cleaning in silence, neither of us wanting to broach the subject again and went to sleep soon after. We only had one week left, after all.
The bells started in the middle of the night. They were the only warning before Iron Hammer burst into the barracks at full volume.
"Wake up, ya dead-like, snoring leeches! It's the real deal!"
As everypony in the room rushed to get their armor on, Iron Hammer called out for them.
"Mango! Haystacks! You're coming with me! We're on catapult duty! The rest of you go report to Sergeant Stammers for further orders!"
Mango and Haystacks shared a look before falling into step behind the trotting minotaur.
"Now listen you two, as far as I'm concerned, are both expendable. And as much as I loathe to admit, you might be the only ones crazy enough to find a way to deal... with that!"'
Iron Hammer had hopped up onto the catapult for a better view and pointed a finger at a large approaching creature. It looked like a mixture of minotaur and pony as it snatched up struggling soldiers and sucked out their energy before moving on, towards the base.
"You want us to find a way to stop that?!" Mango asked, incredulous.
"You're the horseapple-spewing prankster that don't ever learn and he"—Iron Hoof pointed at Haystacks—"is the best cadet I've ever seen at following orders and staying put, but can't even lick the box much less think outside of it! Unlike you, he came pre-broken and maybe if I smash your heads together I'll get a competent soldier instead of a wandering vagrant and a sissy homebody! Now get to—"
I'll never know why Haystacks pulled the lever and catapulted our drill sergeant straight at Tirek or why he was grinning like that. I asked him later, but he wouldn't tell me. Or maybe he didn't know himself. For my part, I promised myself not to question him ever again on why he wouldn't leave that damn farm.
"Did that slow down Tirek?" Gillette asked as they walked on one of the long, earthen roads that separated one patch of crops from another and turned to face Haystacks home, which now was just a little distance away.
"Nah, not even close. He just caught him and sucked him dry, then us a minute later." Mango shrugged. "We were dishonorably discharged, and never heard from the army again but Haystacks and I kept in touch through letters, and well," he gave her a pained grin. "If all fails, I always know exactly where to find him."
The pair made their way to the door and stared at the sign.
Gone Fishin’
"Well," Mango corrected, arching an eyebrow, "most of the time anyway. Come on, I know where the spare key is."
"He knows we were visiting, right?"
"Of course! I sent him a letter yesterday!"
"Mango!"
"I'm joking! He knows we're coming. I would have told his wife, but he never got married."
The End
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Mango's Author
I liked how both stories handled the same theme of Haystack's aversion to leave the farm in completely different ways. Haystack's piece is pretty much spot-on when it comes to writing mechanics. I'm no editor by any means, but I like to think I'd catch some things and I didn't see a mistake at all. But it felt very, very passive.
Having said that, although less perfect mechanically, I liked the plot, interactions, dialogue and energy of the second story better. It's funny how this could be another of those "prequel-sequel" stories like it happened in the first round.
I found it funny (in a good way) how both stories echo through their setting the feeling of Mango's constant movement and Haystacks' stagnation in the farm for legitimate, but ultimately fear-fueled reasons. Haystacks' by having them both in a static moment of peace where Hay basically confirms he's remaining where he is and Mango's by having them in a constantly changing—despite the Drill Sergeant's efforts— mess. Although I loved how Haystacks was the one that shot Iron away.
Also... Pregnant Gillette Dude. Aurora Borealis is going to kill you if Rachis doesn't get to you first.
And... Minie
Okay one quick thing before I read.
Haystacks, buddy, this isn't how you open a story. The opening hook is called that because it should be engaging before the first sentence ends. I say this not despite but *because* of the fact that your writing here is good. Save this for something that isn't the first three entire paragraphs.
Mango Leaf's Author
I think the first story is better technically, but the second one was much more entertaining and I thought the callbacks to the previous stories were a nice touch that integrated smoothly into the story without sticking out.
All right, given my behavior last round, I don't really have a choice but to make these comments.
Throwing around gratuitous words from a dead language, as opposed to imitating real life local slang, worked fine for an island called Haywaii populated by talking horses. Fittingly, the one way that you take a cue from Mango is the one way you blow it: "cousin" instead of "cuz" or "braddah" is so far off that I started thinking they were actual cousins.
... you can't have known this, but... 'Okole is a cutesy schoolyard word for "butt," which means you said "ass up." I don't know how you would say "face down" in Hawaiian, but...
And on that subject, I am shocked and disappointed that you wrote this and somehow didn't realize that you made this out to be waaaaaay more than a bromance. I was looking forward to some kind of sweet or bittersweet gay sexual tension moment and you dashed my hopes.
My only other comment is that the problem with your proficient but shall we say less than kinetic style persisted for a really long time. It was fine once you got to the dialogue though.
On to the next...
Torn here. I'll come back to this decision but I'm leaning toward Mango.
At first I was sure that I was going to comment with "the gimmick of writing movie-like voiceover is annoying and just doesn't work despite everything this story does right," but the fact is that toward the end I realized that I really undeniably liked the story, its fun tone, its natural dialogue, its exploration of the characters, and such.
Very good show from Mango Leaf.
Haystacks' Author
Hey, this was nice. I liked reading it, it gave me warm feels and sad feels, and generally left a kind of bittersweet feeling in my mouth. Like, I wanted to see a lot more of these two, and maybe learn about their history.
I think Haystacks' author gains the edge because Mango Leaf's entry feels kind of disjointed. Well, I mean, it is neccessarily disjointed to show the flow of time, but exactly how disjointed it is throws the story out. It just feels like it's skipping out on too much. I want to know more. I enjoyed the interaction between the two characters, and I did like the throwbacks to previous stories in Mango Leaf's entry, but I feel like Haystacks' entry ultimately explored the two OCs a lot better than that.
It's also nice to read something different. Haystacks' author's entries have gone from Happy to Somber to Sad (I suppose this one is sad?), which shows that the author is progressing. I haven't seen anything that breaks a reasonably comfortable mould for Mango Leaf.
That, in addition to Haystacks' obligatory tick for his good use of language, gives him my vote.
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i.warosu.org/data/lit/img/0049/03/1400368786888.jpg
This guy.
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I'm telling you dude. That story was as homoerotic as fuck. The least he could have done was let Haystacks have a sad little moment of unrequited yearning.
Mango's Author
I came back to read this one again because I loved him so much last time, and I gotta say, although there's less of a show from my homeland of
HawaiiHoofwaii, it does not disappoint. Haystacks put up a good fight—and man, was it a good fight, but the battle goes to Mango.The story was simple, yet nostalgic, and it had enough hints of humor to keep me going without feeling too melancholic. And Im sorry to say, Haystacks' Author, but you caught me on the one day I didn't feel like depressing myself. Your story and Mango's were both heavy with regrets and missed opportunity in different places. Mango let several scenes contain them all. you spread yours out over the whole story. But the one thing that really hit was how Mango was able to balance it almost perfectly. His story had a lot more to cover in a shorter time, and I think that helped it. He was able to give really choice cuts that kept the story moving quickly and captivated me the entire time. And that line at the end... oh man. That really hit me. That's the kind of melancholy that really stings.
Haystacks' story was really nice, but there were key things that really stood out as kind of awkward to me.
6161178 one WAS the use of "cousin" instead of "cuz" or "braddah", as mentioned. The other was just the sheer sexual tension of the story. I was expecting them to kiss at any moment, and was actually fairly disappointed when nothing happened.
Mango's story just felt more natural, and entertained me more. Still, great job to both of you! They were both fantastic, engaging stories.
Mango Leaf's author
...Yeah?
This was a hard one, but it eventually just came down to which one I enjoyed more. I think the scenes could have been deliniated a bit better in Mango's, but aside from that, it was wonderfully creative.
He loses some points for using Gillette as a major character, though. I really am not liking how obsessed everyone seems to be this round with referencing previous stories.
For now, I think I have to abstain, but I'll come back and make a solid vote if it winds up being a close call down the line. Like Tactical, I'm also leaning towards Mango.
I had some significant problems with both entries that kept me from enjoying them.
First, both had a good deal of mechanical problems. Haystacks' author would consistently fail to punctuate/capitalize properly when shifting from dialogue to narration, and would often be inconsistent with the spelling of words/phrases (like "Haywaii" and "each other", the latter of which he or she never formatted properly despite not being internally consistent with its formatting). Mango's author's entry's issues were much more varied and one-off (though comma splices did seem to happen more consistently than other things), but they were no less distracting.
To speak on Haystacks' author's entry specifically, I'll say that there were two things in particular which bothered me, to the point of boredom in the former and almost to the point of offense in the latter.
The first is that Haystacks' author's entry was so completely, mind-numbingly ponderous. The character of Haystacks in the hands of Haystacks' author gravitates very, very readily to slow-paced, prose-heavy stories, and it worked wonderfully in round two. There, the prose was interesting—maybe it was just because it was from Minié's perspective, but it was intercut with thoughts and metaphors and observations in such a way that a modicum of energy and action was injected into the story-between-the-dialogue. But in this story, from Haystacks' perspective, it's like the author falls into his or her own trap, getting so mired in slow-talking country flavor that the entry is drawing out things that had no business being drawn out and sucking out all the things that normally make me think "I wonder what happens next?". Sometimes it can get so egregious that, once you peel back the smooth-sippin' rosey prose, it's like nothing's being said at all:
This line really hit me in that regard, because after my mental filter and taken in the context of it being Haystacks' perspective, it was essentially saying "By the fire, the figure that he damn well knows is Mango looks exactly like his friend Mango." Yeah, it also physically described Mango, but that's not what the sentence had been structured to do, in my eyes. It just feels clumsy.
The second big issue for me was the matter of Mango's characterization. Mind you, I am a firm, firm adherent to the school of thought that no author is obligated to characterize one of these characters at all like other authors (even themselves in a previous round) have—excepting things that argue with the sheet, obviously. So in that sense, I'm not outright bothered that Mango's author's Mango is really carefree and energetic/youthful as a rule while Haystacks' author's rendition of the character is so much more solemn and wise. Where I start to be bothered is where I realize that this version doesn't feel much related to even the sheet—the one consistently pushed unique trait he seemed to have that linked to the sheet was his Haywaiian speech, and that's only a secondary relation. i.e. Mango is from Haywaii, but… where's the rest of it? A little reference would be made here or there ("Mango insisted he was no good with anything hot", but the only things he's shown to make are stew and a drink of ambiguous temperature? "Mango had complained bitterly about how mild winter was down here", even though that actually goes against the sheet's claim that he hates winter for what the cold does?), but that doesn't make him feel like a full character. Right up until the end, he just feels to me like a sounding board for Haystacks' problems and/or a cure for loneliness—roles anyone could fill. But then, all the sheet stuff comes crashing to the forefront right before the story closes out. I go almost the whole story barely feeling like I'm reading about Mango only for what feels like the bulk of the contest-relevant characterization to be (desperately, my mind said) backloaded.
The one thing I'll really say for it is that the closeted sexual tension was interesting enough to keep me reading. It was a shame it wound up being so tangential. At least it was a hilarious mental undercurrent to carry over into Mango's author's entry—particularly how I took giddy notice of the line about Mango having grown a beard, and then seeing Mango's author's entry open with Mango now having Gilette for a pregnant partner.
Most of the problems I have with Mango's author's entry stem from its randomness. This is some pretty subjective territory, I realize (which is a large part of why I'm starting off by abstaining, really), but it takes a lot for me to like the kind of thing this website most often categorizes under Random, and this entry didn't use the approach to my liking. It was very disjointed, to the point that I feel like even a whole scene or two could be removed without affecting the story, and hell if the rising action/falling action/climax/any of it felt very distinct to me. There's also frequently no scene-setting to speak of, and while that tends to be in service of a joke, it made it feel less like a cohesive piece.
What I will say for Mango's author's entry is that it was a comedy and I did chuckle now and again, which in some ways made it more successful at evoking what it was trying to evoke than Haystacks' author's entry, for me personally.
"For me personally" is really the crux of this whole thing. My preference is for Mango's story, and it's based on very subjective reasoning (mostly down to relative personal enjoyment), but I'm uncomfortable basing my vote on something that tenuous until and unless we really get down to the wire here.
I vote for Haystacks' Author's Story
Haystacks' Author's Story
Pros: The flow of the story felt very true to both characters. I got a strong sense that they really were old friends who cared about each other.
Cons: The language got very flowery at times, and I was a little confused about what was going on after Haystacks started crying. Mango could have been written more closely to the character sheet.
Side note: Just kiss already!
Mango Leaf's Author's Story
Pros: Nice mix of humor and nostalgia. The storytelling method was used effectively most of the time.
Cons: The story was a bit of a whirlwind, and even told vignette-style, I found it hard to follow. I also feel like I don't know much about Haystacks by the end. There were also some weird sentences and repeated words.
Side note: I'm not really sure how I feel about the Forest Gump-style montage. I think it works better in film, but I'm not counting that against you.
Both of these stories had problems, and even though Haystacks' Author could have done a better job with Mango Leaf, I think he did a better job of telling a complete story that set the mood and focused on the two OCs. Conversely, the most memorable character from Mango Leaf's Author's story was Iron Hammer. Additionally, even though Haystacks' pacing was a touch too slow for my tastes, I prefer it to Mango Leaf's, which moved too quickly for anything important to sink in.
Mango Leaf's Author
Haystack's author's story really got into serious discussion about issues fundamental to each OC's character, but man-oh-man, what was he/she trying to do with that opening? The disjointed images and strange word choices literally had me thinking that somehow Haystack had become a severe alcoholic or suffered some kind of mental breakdown. What makes me sad is how the rest of the story evolved so well. Even the bromantic overtones added way more into the subtext. Like the initial premise for the meeting, the use of Hawaiian was not exactly spot-on, in fact it was a bit gratuitous at times. The author should stuck more closely to the core narrative: the feels, and leave off all these unfortunate distractions.
Mango Leaf's author has a less "feelsy" piece, but it has a great structure with a very good exploration of the characters and a formative experience that molded them into the stallions they are in the present. This is how life-long friendships are built! There were also great moments of humor as well, and a touching ending that showed still more about the core of each character.
If this is intentional, then it's very, very praiseworthy. I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but I could already have imagined him being gay just from the character sheet, portraying him as a quiet gentle big guy.
Guh... gah... neen... Mango Leaf's Author
There. I picked one.
This pair was so freaking close. They both did so well at using both characters to explore each other (no homo). Haystacks's entry left me speechless. I remember thinking, "This may not be the best story, but it's the best entry so far in this contest. I'm so happy someone finally made their two OC's old friends without any romantic elements (well, mostly). True to form, Haystacks's author painted a picture with those descriptions. Most of these OC's I don't really have a clear mental image of, and until now I always pictured Mango as Cheese Sandwich in my head. But with his braided and shaggy hair, beard, and raspy laugh, I can see him. Likewise, I could almost feel like I was sitting next to a campfire with an old friend under a starry night sky. Point me to your other work, author. You've got another subscriber on the way.
Mango's entry was less flawless, but it did more. Its character exploration was nearly equal with the first story, and it was also funny as heck. I really felt like Mango and Haystacks were friends, and I actually got to see why instead of coming into the picture years later with only a short reference to the first meeting. I know I said almost the exact opposite thing about Lilligold's story, but I give advice on a case-by-case basis. It would've worked here, but it didn't work so well there.
For being another two-in-one story, Mango's author does a wonderful job with structure. The introduction was just the right length and amount of information, the narrative asides were paced just right to get laughs, and the ending was the sort you see coming right before it happens, but you're happy about it just the same.
Mango's author, you've done Rachis proud with the boot camp idea. Keep the thinking-outside-the-box tradition strong! And the passing reference to Minie as Haystacks's love interest was the most perfect past-round nod I've seen so far, especially since it's understated enough to work with either Minie/Haystacks entry. Pairing Mango and Gillette almost had me rolling on the floor (though for some reason I feel a pang of jealousy. Is that weird?).
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Hahaha, that's so tr... Wait, what did he do to my Gillette?? (and why on earth am I upset? It was only ever my opponents that actually made her a character. She wasn't even a "she" when I made her, just a name)
Huh. I completely missed that. Now I really don't know how to feel.
Mango Leaf's Author
I'm gonna start by saying that I'm a huge sucker for scene-setting, and the way Haystacks's Author set the scene was masterful. I could feel the grit of the dirt, the heat of the fire—all of it was wonderful.
Sadly, that quality didn't translate well to the actual story.
The plot was just much too passive for my liking. I'll give you that that's reasonable for Haystacks as a character—all of his author's stories have had a passive, lackadaisical vibe underlying them—but here it's taken to the extreme. It's just a conversation, and not one I was all too invested in, I'm afraid. I think the character voices were right, and Mango was pretty great, but I never felt hooked. It left me waiting for something to actually happen, and it never did. So while the scene was great and the atmosphere pleasant and the characters well-composed, it never really made me care.
I'm afraid I don't have very much to say on Mango's author's story. I enjoyed the setup, the execution, and the characters were dead-on—both authors actually nailed the characterizations equally, which seems to be a rarity. Iron Hammer was great fun. And I like that you managed to touch on similar themes to Haystacks's author while keeping the tone light and vibrant. I do think the author could benefit from diversifying their storytelling a bit more, but this is a nice step in the right direction.
Oh, and the framing device was really smart, by the by. I didn't foresee Gillette of all characters returning. Kudos!
Haystacks's Author
Both stories are nice, but Mango's story felt too scattershot and unfocused, especially when placed in contrast to Haystacks' more austere approach in his story. I guess these differences in the styles of writing reflect the differences between the two characters: Haystacks' story is simple, focused and to the point, whereas Mango's story has a similar core but the story is topped with all sorts of ganache and other mix-ins, some which complement the subtle flavors of the main story and others that distract from it. Ultimately, too many of the elements of Mango's story feel extraneous: the setting of a military boot camp doesn't add to the theme of the story and serves only as a vehicle to bring the characters together, and the framing story of Mango
stealing his defeated opponent's girland Gillete traveling to visit Haystacks doesn't add much to the overall story either (compare to Firefly's story where the jumps to the flashback provide extra information to inform the present scene as well as heighten the tension). I do like the contrast the author draws at the end: despite Haystacks' and Mango's differing attitudes towards their families, Mango is the one starting his own family while Haystacks remains unmarried.Haystacks' story deals with some of the same themes and ideas, but with such a tight focus on the two characters, it allows the author to look more deeply at the two characters. Keeping a tight, third person limited perspective around Haystacks and describing the scene through his eyes really adds to the complex characterization of Haystacks that the author builds throughout the story. I loved how so much of Haystacks' characterization came from what he left unsaid both in speech and in narration. Even though the perspective keeps the author from directly conveying Mango's thoughts, the more extroverted unicorn is easier to characterize through his words and actions, and the author does a great job of this (in contrast, when the perspectives are flipped in Mango's story, it's harder for the author to paint as vivid a picture of Haystacks). This story helped me to connect with both Haystacks and Mango more than the second story.
Mango Leaf's Author
I mean, one was [Romance] and the other wasn't. Easy peasy.
But in all seriousness, I thought Mango wrote a much more enjoyable story. It was an effective comedy and did a lot for establishing why Mango and Haystack were already friends. That made it an easy choice for me.
ABSTAIN
Quite honestly, I do not care which of these wins. They're both fantastic and equally deserving. Thank you, gentlebeings, for writing such awesome characters. (Obs, if this round draws, poke this comment and I'll vote.)
Haystacks vs. Mango Leaf
Liked: The florid descriptions, the intensity of their relationship, pretty much everything.
Disliked: Uh, I guess I saw a punctuation error or something, I dunno, you should be ashamed!
Mango Leaf vs. Haystacks
Liked: Oh my god you shipped Mango and Gillette! (I am just so excited that they’re having a kid, too. I love this contest.) I love all the shipping, and how this story really captures the spirit of the contest.
Disliked: That I can’t really decide between the two.
Haystacks' Author
I'm going to cast my vote for the former story based purely on the fact that I enjoyed it more. Or rather, because I found the latter story less enjoyable. I'll admit, I'm entirely biased on this, since the thing that rubbed me the wrong way about it was the whole boot camp bit, which, speaking from experience, was rather inaccurate. I understand it was drawing more from the likes of Full Metal Jacket and Forrest Gump than reality, but nonetheless, if the aim was humor, I found it didn't go over-the-top enough with it. Instead, it just felt more cliche than anything.
Again, it's a personal thing, but in choosing between two entries as solidly-written as these, it's enough to tip the scales.
Mango Leaf's author
I think it was Burraku who described Haystacks' style as "ponderous."
That's one of the things that tips the scales for me.
Mango Leaf can't beat Haystacks at his own game of atmosphere and emotional depth, but he does accomplish something that Haystacks doesn't: he gets at the spirit of the contest with a story that's a fun, flowing, well paced story. If you just accept the whole Forrest Gump narration thing for what it is, then there's very little to complain about here.
I might've voted for Haystacks if they had made out. Just saying.
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"Okolehao is an ancient Hawaiian alcoholic spirit whose main ingredient was the root of the ti plant. Okolehao's forerunner was a fermented ti root beverage or beer. When distillation techniques were introduced by English seamen in 1790, it was distilled into a highly alcoholic spirit." The name is derived from the iron try pots that were brought ashore from sailing ships and converted into stills, and literally meant "iron butt", from Hawaiian ʻōkole (butt) + hao (iron).
One quick thing before I congratulate Mango Leaf and wish him luck in the coming round: you talk too much. Keep it to one post, and shush. People are here to read the damn story, not gather a three-post running commentary from yourself about how you think a story should be written, chief.
Now then, if I could move on, this was... really not my best offering. I tried a new idea in round 1 and - fortunately - was presented with someone who was not so familiar with their own. It gave me enough time to adjust my style for round 2, which was the one I had prepared pretty adequately for, namely because Minie Ball looked like a big hitter. I will acknowledge that I didn't think Mango Leaf would be as hard as Minie was; this round I prepared pretty much the day before submission - and it shows. And then we hopped the deadline forward - again - and I just didn't even touch it after that point aside from a few spellcheck things. Not my finest moment!
Disappointing to go out now on what I view as pretty crappy entry. I had actually considered making it a romance, but I thought to myself that it would be better if they were friends. Because nobody's 6166161 going 6161235 to 6162326 hold 6162922 that 6163278 against 6176230 me, 6163718 right?
The upshot of all this is that apparently I have a bright future in shamelessly bad romance novels.
GGWP; GL in next round Mango Leaf.
edit: Summer Heat was my next round, too? ah for fuck's sake. That would have been AWESOME. I would have really enjoyed the challenge. Even if I lost to you, it'd still be good.
Haystacks's Author.
I loved how Haystacks's Author portrays such a genuine-feeling mutual friendship. Mango's Author's entry, on the other hand, really didn't do anything for me. I mean seriously? Tirek? There's referencing the show, and then there's just forcing it.
Haystack's Author
Haystack's Author
The bit with Lily's flowers. Good. The bit about Lily's butt? Classic.
<looks for an image of Lily's butt that isn't clop>
<fails miserably>
The dialect worked well here--it felt natural. I also liked the callbacks to previous stories.
At the heart of it, this thing's a bog-standard SoL--and that's not a bad thing. This may be another place where we get into who likes what, and maybe the lateness of this comment will let me duck out without igniting a debate. I like SoL stories, and I like them about the common pony. I don't need action, I don't need a whirlwind romance or what have you. This is a nice SoL with believable characters and a believable setting, and it doesn't really need to do anything else.
Mango Leaf's Author
It seems odd to include the detail that Gillette's pregnant and then never mention it again. Who's the proud father? Mango? Haystacks? Somepony else? I kept waiting for resolution on that little plot point, and I got nothing. While I recognize how that kind of a detail can make a story pop, and imply that the characters have a life off-screen (so to speak), here it felt like you just forgot about it in the course of the story.
On the positive side, the story was funny, and I liked the callbacks to prior entries. This was the first of several which were a very close choice for me, and if I'd read it outside of the contest, I'd've given it a thumbs up and a star without a moment's hesitation. You weren't the only one to shift between the past and the present, and of all the entries, I'd say you did it the best.
Overall, this one was really a close call for me. I don't particularly like Mango Leaf as a character, but I can't deny the skill of both authors. I think this matchup is one which will largely be decided by what baggage the readers and voters bring to the table.
6187718
I don't doubt it was there for few reasons other than to demonstrate that the frame is in the indeterminately far future. Plus it also sets the tone of family and places Mango as a counterpoint to Haystacks with the final line.
What about it made you assume the father was anyone but Mango, or that it would be coming up again? And how would Haystacks be a possible father, when the dialogue at the start pretty much says the two have never met (unless you just assume Gilette is deceiving Mango for no in-story reason)?
6187953
Could have been done other ways, IMHO. It just--for me--felt like an important detail which never got mentioned again. It (again, for me) set up the expectation that it would come up later, or have some significance in the story which it didn't.
Just the way it was mentioned, I guess. Maybe i've read too many stories where who got a character pregnant or some other detail of the pregnancy is important and it just set up an expectation in my mind which was never fulfilled.
Well, I'd admit that Haystacks is a stretch. Not really in character for him. Rachis would be a better candidate.
6181083 Welcome to the losers' corner. Pull up a chair and try some of Heather Rose's beer. I haven't touched it myself, but I hear it's really good, if you like bitter. Bets are going strong, if you want to jump in on that. Someone made t-shirts a while ago in anticipation of Round 4. I think we still have some "Team Lilligold" ones left here somewhere.
Haystacks' author
Sorry, Mango - I just enjoyed this one more. That, and the amount of errors in the second story kept distracting me from my reading.